At last.
Sidney woke up with a start, fully dressed, alone, his hand in his breeches, and his spent member in his grip. He’d spilled in his pants like a green boy, lusting over the woman he thought he would never hold.
But one day, once he returned with the special license, she would be his in truth. So why did he feel so terrible about it? Why did he feel as if he had betrayed the very people who had accepted him as one of their own?
The memory of her face in the dark hall as he told her they’d marry.
Tragic. She’d been stunned, pale, and then she’d bolted away.
He’d never felt more puzzled or worthless. She wanted to kiss him but nothing more?
Would he be able to make her happy, or would he drag her into his loneliness? Would she resent him, come to hate him? There was a time when he thought she might harbor a girlish infatuation, but then she’d gone to London and dazzled the masses. She grew sophisticated and alluring but still managed to remind him of the spirited girl she was before.
She was incomparable.
She was his.
Did he deserve her? He’d never considered that. But it didn’t matter—no it did. To him. He had a respectable reputation, wealth, a title, but this had happened the wrong way.
He needed his cousin’s direction more than ever. Calvin would know what to do, what Sidney should say to ease Cassie into this new future. But until then, Sidney would have to try. He’d tread carefully, secure the license, and return in due haste.
He didn’t want to take her from her family, but perhaps going to Star Frost might offer them a fresh perspective. A place to begin again as they should go on. Together. He hoped in time, she’d forgive him, and then maybe he could forgive himself.
He still couldn’t figure out how he didn’t recognize her. Much like Tristan, he’d put her on a pedestal. He’d made her out of his reach, but then she was right in front of him, as if plucked from his very fantasies.
He’d lost control. Something he’d never done. But with Cassie, his self-restraint had been eroding. That was why he’d needed Star Frost. He needed to get away from the temptation before he did something stupid and wholly unlike himself. But it was too late. The moment had come upon him without warning, and he was powerless to stop himself. Now he’d tarnished the trust of the people he cared most about, including Cassie.
He didn’t know how to forgive himself for letting his baser needs get the better of him and ruining her. He hadn’t deflowered her, but she didn’t deserve to be reduced to a nameless tryst at a ball.
He cared more for her than that, much more. But she didn’t know it. He’d kept his feelings to himself for the purpose of protecting her, but instead, he’d only hurt her. Somehow, he had to make it up to her, and to her family. To prove that he was good enough to make her happy for the rest of her days, to show her that he wasn’t just some rake who took advantage of an easy target.
He would have to bear his true feelings to her and hope he didn’t make a difficult situation worse. Though…she had wanted to kiss him. He remembered her begging for it. What had that meant?
She’d sent a note, arranging the whole encounter…for a kiss? Christ, he was confused. What had the kiss meant to her? He knew her to be an adventurous, impulsive girl who wanted to prove herself just as capable as her older brother. She took any challenge thrown her way.
So, what was the kiss to her? Was he just a…means to an end? The subject of an experiment?
When put that way, her reaction to their marriage made sense. His stomach knotted. He rose from the bed and summoned for his bath. Unlike Lady Delilah, who had resorted to trickery to bind him in marriage, Cassie had simply concocted a crazy plan for a kiss. No doubt with him because she thought she could trust him.
And here they were, now bound together. He, the rogue who couldn’t control his desires, and she, a curious naïve girl who thought she knew him. He was right back where he started when he set out this morning.
The bastard who ruined his best friend’s sister. It no longer mattered how he felt about her, secretly or not.
In the morning, he’d collect the special license and return to her. How she’d receive him, how she’d stand there beside him as the vows bound them, he had no idea. But he would do everything in his power to change her heart and her mind about him. It was too late to change the past, but the future still waited.
Chapter 8
It was raining the day he returned, soaked to the bone, purple bruises under his eyes. Cassie’s heart leapt to her throat, but she did not move from the window as she watched the groom take the horse, and Sidney trudge up the portico steps. She heard the door open, the voice of the butler welcome him, and take his coat and hat. And then nothing. Her ears felt thick on the inside. She pinched her lobe and shook her ear as if she’d find cotton in there or something else obstructing her hearing.
She stealthily moved toward the open drawing-room door, but when she peeked in the hall, Sidney was not there. A footman remained, sopping up water from the tile floor.
Cassie swallowed. “Has Lord Reardon returned?”
“He has, ma’am. He went straight to his room to change and warm up.”
Cassie nodded. “He must have been riding all morning in this weather,” she murmured. She went to her own room and sat on the bench before her window, watching the rivulets of water stream down. The rain had started at first light. She remembered hearing the taps on her window. He shouldn’t have ridden in such weather, but he was being true to his word. These past several days, she’d thought a lot about that night in the hall outside her father’s study.
His resolve was clear. He was not the type of man to try to slip out of a responsibility. She didn’t want to be a responsibility. Somehow, even with the intimacies they shared that night, she felt further from him than ever before. Like she didn’t know him at all.
Had she imagined the man she had come to love? Was she foolishly blind? But he was doing exactly as she would have predicted.
Being honorable, being the perfect gentleman, even if his kisses could steal her wits.
She didn’t want to marry a stranger. She wanted Sidney. She wanted the truth, to know what was real and what was not, even if it hurt her. She’d thought a lot about what her mother had said. If he cared for someone else, she could never allow him to marry her. She didn’t care how much it hurt her or her reputation.
She cared too much for him to take that away from him. Love was so rare. Most of the couples she knew married for practical reasons. She didn’t want that. She knew love existed, she felt it inside herself. It was the greatest emotion she’d ever felt, greater than any physical pain she’d ever endured.
And she knew pain.
Most would assume that as the daughter of a lord, she knew very little strife, but that wasn’t so. Pain was like a scream in the body. Silent to others, but deafening inside one’s self. Every time she remembered the flipping of the cart, she heard it. She could feel her own broken bone long after it healed. A memory of pain. The shock and fear as Old Bill was shot. All those things still lived inside her. But the pain of knowing Sidney loved someone else, but was forced to be with her, would be too much to bear for a lifetime.
She couldn’t do it. Cassie had to speak to him. Alone, before this went any further. She bolted to her feet and then froze. What did she expect, to go to his room now? She was doing it again. She’d chided herself endlessly for her rash behavior, and yet, here she was. Being irrationally impulsive. She’d had many stilted encounters with her family, and while her mother was supportive and gentle, her brother wouldn’t speak to her, and her father would start lectures and then become too frustrated to finish them. Immaturity was his favorite word to use.
And if her reaction just now was any indication, he was right. Her actions were immature and had caused a lot of hurt. Her family acted as if she’d hurt Sidney. Did he feel the same?
She had to know, but she couldn’t run off with her
barrels half-cocked. Or her trousers about her ankles, as her father liked to say.
There was a knock on her door. “Enter.”
Cassie nearly choked on her surprise as her brother walked in. He left the door half closed and took the chair by her hearth, rubbing his thumbs over his fingertips as he was wont to do when he had something difficult to confess.
Cassie took a deep breath, preparing for the unpleasant conversation that would come next. “Get on with it if you must.”
“Sidney is back.”
“I have heard.”
“He’s got the license.”
“You’ve spoken to him?”
“I’ve drawn sides, and I’m not on yours.”
An idea struck her. Her brother was clearly in Sidney’s favor, even if he did fatten his lip. Perhaps he would know if Sidney was in love with another woman.
“That’s fair.”
“You’re my sister. I don’t feel good about any of this, but you put me in a difficult spot, and frankly, of the two of you, your actions are more chaotic than his most days.”
Cassie sat at the foot of her bed. “How angry is he?”
“He isn’t angry at all.”
Cassie sucked in a breath. “He’s not?”
“He acts more like a whipped dog. I told him I forgave him, and I’d support him not marrying you if he chose to abandon you.”
Cassie rolled her eyes, though her brother couldn’t see it. “So, I’m the villain.”
“You orchestrated it all. A man is a man.”
She couldn’t help baiting him now. “Simple and easily manipulated, you mean.”
He twisted in his chair to face her. “Was that your plan? You were never so callous. Did a season change your heart to one of black stone?”
Guilt stabbed at her. “No. I didn’t intend for any of this to happen, and if he truly doesn’t want to marry me, I won’t hold him to it. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden. In fact, will you tell me something?”
“It depends.”
“Is he…in love with another?”
“What?”
“I won’t stand in his way if he is. I’d rather be ruined.”
Her brother’s angry expression softened. “No. I wouldn’t let you if he was. He has no permanent affiliation with anyone that I know of.”
“Would he keep that from you?”
He stroked his chin. “No. He wouldn’t have…continued to do the things we do if he had. I know that. But there is Lady Delilah.”
Cassie tensed. “She’s the one who tried to trick him.”
“She’s been pursuing him for some time. He doesn’t reciprocate her feelings, but her father is powerful, and Sidney’s been treading lightly with her.”
“What are you telling me, exactly?”
“I don’t know. Forget I mentioned it. Lady Delilah has been pushing the rumors. It’s no secret you two will marry now. It would look very bad if the two of you don’t.
“You’re being aggravatingly obtuse. Should I or should I not marry him? I’m trying to do the right thing!”
“That makes two of you. The right thing is…not easy. By society’s standards, you must marry. But by my standards…I don’t want to see either of you unhappy. I just want things to be the way they were. He’s like a brother to me, Cass. You’re my sister. This could turn badly in so many ways. I don’t want things to change, do you?”
Cassie held her fist to her heart. “Yes. I needed him to know how I felt.”
Tristan pushed to his feet. “And what is it exactly you are feeling?”
“I…I love him. Is there any man you would honestly think better for me? If there is, I certainly haven’t met him yet. My heart sighs for Sidney. I know you and Mother and Father think me stupid for concocting such a plan, but I had to see if he could feel anything for me before he left. Time was running out.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Christ, he isn’t dying. He’s only going to Star Frost for a visit.”
“A long visit and anything can happen between now and then. I had to know. I’m done waiting.”
“You truly think you love him?”
“I know it. I’ve known it for some time. You don’t think I haven’t questioned myself over and over? I went into the season, hoping I might feel something else, for someone else who would respond in kind, but all I learned is that no man compares to him. I can’t turn off how I’m feeling any more than you can stop the sun from rising. What do I do?”
He pivoted and started pacing before the fire. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before, and I must have been blind not to see your patent interest in him. I thought we all got along like siblings.”
“He’s not my sibling.”
“Clearly. You both should be spies, you hide your motives so well. I don’t know how he feels about you anymore than I knew how you felt about him. All I do know is that he is good through and through. He won’t turn his back on you unless you ask him to. His honor is everything to him. His word is his bond.”
“I know.”
“Then what will you do? Speak to him?”
“I have to say something,” Cassie said. “Apologize for the very least for all the trouble I’ve caused everyone.”
“That’s one way to begin. I need a drink.” He looked around her room.
“I don’t keep spirits in here. I’m only allowed a half glass of wine with dinner.”
“Clearly. I’m so glad I was born a man.”
Cassie snorted. “Lucky you.”
Tristan left her and still Cassie didn’t know how to approach Sidney. She could send him a note, she supposed, asking to meet again. It seemed silly, but also poetic. She went to her writing desk and did just that.
Chapter 9
Sidney sunk into the bath up to his chin. Not an easy feat for a man his size, but if he sacrificed his knees, his chest would be warm. His hands were still numb from the ride as he reached for the soap, promptly dropping it into the steamy water. He cursed and dug around for it just as a footman entered with a tray. He lifted the lid.
Not again. Sidney sighed half expecting to see a note, but instead it was a card.
“The Marquess of Fenley has requested a meeting with you.”
Lady Delilah’s father? Bloody hell, this couldn’t be a pleasant reason. Or an apology for his daughter’s attempted marriage trap. He’d heard all the gossip in London during his brief stay. He’d sat in White’s for approximately fifteen minutes trying to enjoy a good scotch when the bets and innuendo became too much. Lady Delilah had spared no detail of her discovery of him and Cassie from the papers, and how she was meant to be caught with him, oblivious to the mockery being made of her own name.
“I’ll be down in a moment,” Sidney replied reluctantly.
He couldn’t refuse the summons and part of him was curious about what the marquess had to say.
He dragged himself out the tub, dried off, and then dressed. He was only slightly warmer than when he arrived, but at least he was dry. He didn’t know what had driven him to keep pushing on against his better judgment, other than the feeling that every second that passed was taking Cassie further away from him somehow.
They hadn’t left on good terms, or any terms at all other than they were getting married, and neither of them had been particularly happy about it. He’d been stunned and full of self-loathing, while she must have been shocked and upset. He needed to know why. He had to find a way to speak to her and make it right. They had been friends before, they had shared a special moment down by Old Bill’s grave. He knew her pains; he knew her joys. He could make her happy.
Heading back downstairs to the drawing room, the footman Daniel intercepted him again, this time with a folded note. Sidney almost laughed.
“Thank you, Daniel,” he said, taking the note and pausing to read it. His heart skipped a beat.
Meet me in the conservatory. It’s time we talked.
Cassandra.
Sidney si
ghed. He’d have to leave one of them waiting. He didn’t want it to be Cassie, but she deserved more of his attention. He planned to get rid of the marquess as soon as possible.
“Please inform Lady Cassandra that I will join her shortly, but first I have to meet with the marquess.”
“Yes, sir.”
Sidney continued on to the drawing room, now anxious and impatient to be rid of the marquess. He halted before entering and cleared his throat not to surprise the marquess. What stunned Sidney, though he didn’t show it, was Lady Delilah’s presence. She was buttoned up to her chin in black brocade as if in mourning, and tears pooled in her eyes as she turned toward him with a trembling pout.
Very pretty and patently false.
“My lord, Lady Delilah, to what do I owe this visit?”
Sidney waved for her to sit. She appeared ready to bolt into his arms.
“Let us not waste any time with frivolous talk. Lord Reardon, I’ve come to offer you my daughter’s hand.”
“She appears in mourning. Are condolences in order?”
“My lord, I am in great sorrow that our singular chance at happiness has been stolen,” Lady Delilah pleaded. “Please listen to what my father has to say, and we can salvage a rosier future.”
She took a step toward him, and Sidney sidestepped her to stand behind a chair, resting his arm on the back. “I recollect no theft of any sort. Of what do you refer?”
Her pointed chin lifted, and her pale blond brows rose in indignation. She blinked away the tears in her watery blue eyes and huffed. “While I admit my plan for a Mistletoe reunion were misguided and driven by the longing of a woman in love, I cannot let this slight go unchallenged. My heart won’t let me.”
“My dear, as heartfelt as your motives are, I know Lord Reardon to be a man of reason. This unpleasantness can be made right with no sacrifice on your part.” He focused on Sidney. “With a donation to Lady Cassandra’s dowry, a suitable replacement groom can be found. She’s a comely girl, and no permanent damage was done, so I’ve heard.”
Sidney bristled. “No damage was done. Lady Cassandra and I have an agreement and will be married shortly. I apologize for any confusion, but at no time did I intent to unite with your daughter. Lady Delilah, consider it a stroke of fortuitous fate that we did not meet that night at the ball. You can have any man of your choosing who is agreeable.”
Have Yourself a Merry Little Scandal: a Christmas collection of Historical Romance (Have Yourself a Merry Little... Book 1) Page 101
