Seeing her daughter as a middle-aged woman was endlessly fascinating to Jane. It was as if she was looking into a fountain of youth mirror, not her own daughter. Jane felt that way to a degree about all her kids, but more so with Prairie because they were so alike.
“I will,” Prairie answered, “but first I want to know when you and Pops are going to retire. You guys are almost…” Prairie quickly did the math in her head. “Seventy!” Prairie couldn’t believe it herself, but her parents were getting up in years. She always imagined they would retire in their early sixties and travel the world or do something crazy.
Jane chuckled as she playfully admonished Prairie. “Prairie Fire. Honey, you should know us by now—we’re not going to retire until we’re dead! We absolutely love what we do!” Jane smiled broadly. “I’ll speak for your Pops on this—we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves if we didn’t do this everyday. Come on. Do you ever plan on retiring from your life’s work?”
Prairie rolled her eyes. “Okay. Point, set, match.” They smiled at each other.
“So now that we’ve got that silliness out of the way, tell me,” Jane asked again, “how’s life in my Prairie Fire’s world?”
“It’s good. It’s great. I love the team, the work, and everything. And, pretty soon… I think…” Prairie almost didn’t want to say anything that might jinx it, but wanted to share the potentially good news with Jane. “I think I have a shot at being an actual trainer instead of being an assistant. I’d be the first woman…”
Jane gasped, “Oh, Prairie! That’s wonderful, honey!”
“Well, it’s not certain, Mom, but it’s in the wind, so…” Prairie almost blushed.
“I’m so proud of you, sweetie,” Jane beamed with pride. “Pops and I have always known you would reach your dream.”
“Thanks.” Prairie stood up and hugged Jane. “You know I owe everything to you guys. You always made me believe I could do anything I set my mind to doing. And you know, as always, you were right.” She sat back down, perching on the edge of the metal stool, hooking her heels on the stool rails.
“We were blessed to have amazing kids, Prairie.” Jane reached out and touched Prairie’s arm. “And what about…” Jane hesitated asking about Prairie’s personal life. She was always so afraid Prairie would end up alone.
Prairie knew what was coming and shook her head, “No, Mom, I’m not dating anyone right now. If I’m not working and busy traveling, I’m taking classes and seminars in the off-season, working the training camp…”
“But honey, you’re going to want to have someone in your life at some point, aren’t you?” Jane couldn’t begin to imagine her life without her husband, children and grandchildren.
Prairie stuck out her lower lip. “I know. It’s not like I don’t want to be with someone, you know, find that perfect woman who will grow old with me, but…” Prairie couldn’t bear to tell her mother how she was still holding out for Fiona after all these years. There were years in-between their love affair and their friendship when Prairie thought she could move on, but the longer they stayed friends, the more difficult it was for Prairie to imagine ever being with anyone else.
“Oh, honey, you’re not still pining after Fiona, are you?” Jane could see on Prairie’s face the second Jane mentioned Fiona’s name that she was.
Prairie heaved a sigh of frustration. “Yes,” she woefully admitted. “I can’t help it, Mom. I’ve loved her for so long, but…”
“Obviously, she doesn’t share your… passion.”
“No, well, the thing is, Fiona… Fiona isn’t like other people. She’s completely fine being by herself. I don’t know. Everytime I think I’m over her, I hear her voice, and…”
“Then stop seeing her. Stop calling her,” Jane urged, frustrated that Prairie had become so entangled for so many years with a woman who clearly wasn’t interested in a long-term, romantic relationship with Prairie.
“I’ve tried. And now she’s got Liam, and… I love him,” Prairie admitted, sheepishly. He was just another reason Prairie didn’t think she could sever ties with Fiona.
Jane sighed. “Honey, I wish I knew what to say or do to fix this for you. It’s terrible seeing you stuck in limbo, and for so many years. I hate to say it, but fair’s fair, right? You’re not getting any younger, Prairie. Before you know it, and believe me when I tell you, it’s before you know it, you’ll be knocking on seventy yourself. But if you keep waiting for this Fiona person, you’re going to end up alone. That’s not what we want for you, sweetheart.” Jane’s eyes welled up.
“I know, I know, I know…” And Prairie did know. Her mother, as always, was right on the money. Prairie knew she was going to have to do something one way or another and soon. She was either going to have to declare her love for Fiona, once and for all, and que será, or simply just walk away. It was also becoming clearer by the day that if she stayed, waiting for Fiona to make a move, no one else would ever have a chance.
A phone began ringing from the office at the back of the building.
Jane quickly stood up. “Hang on, honey, let me see who that is. It might be the new vendor I’ve been trying to get a hold of. I’ll be right back,” Jane said, excusing herself, and then hurried off.
“Okie doke.” Prairie swiveled on the seat of the prep stool and slowly looked around her parents’ kitchen, taking in every little detail. She couldn’t believe it had been thirty years since they first built it—it seemed like yesterday. Thirty years had gone by so fast. “Wow… time really does fly,” Prairie said to herself. At that moment, Prairie began thinking of leaving for San Francisco a day early. Her mother was right. She wasn’t getting any younger and decisions had to be made.
1.4—What if...
The entire flight to San Francisco, Prairie was deep in thought and tangled up with conflicting emotions. It was always difficult saying good-bye to her parents. The older they got, the more she worried it might be the last time she’d see them. Just the thought of it made her uneasy and a little nervous. Leaving home was always a struggle for her, but in order for her to pursue her dreams, she knew she couldn’t stay in Missoula. She figured that out early on and did the best she could to accept the reality of it. It was Fiona, though, who dominated her thoughts during the flight.
How would Prairie start the conversation that would lead to her professing her love for Fiona? Should she just blurt it out, or try to connect it to something else, or… what? Prairie was making herself crazy and was thankful for locks on the airline doors or she might have opted to jump out several times. Fiona was her one true love, and except for one brief side trip with Em, in all the years since she’d known Fiona, she was really the only one for Prairie.
Fiona, on the other hand, seemed perfectly content to be on her own, seeing Prairie whenever she came to town, and wanting nothing more. She was never extra affectionate or even indicated she was anything more than fond of Prairie. Though it bothered Prairie, her underlying fear was that if she said something about it and upset Fiona, it could be the end. Prairie couldn’t bear the thought of it, or even begin to fathom her life without Fiona in it at all. She sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time. It was going to be an interesting visit for sure, and Prairie was already filled with dread.
~/~/~/~/~
Prairie leapt into the BART train just before the doors slid shut. In moments, the subway train pulled forward and began its rapid trek from the San Francisco International Airport to downtown San Francisco. The Bay Area Rapid Transit train car was lightly populated which was fairly typical for early afternoon. Prairie plopped down on one of the many empty seats and pulled her small suitcase between her feet, settling in for the thirty minute trip to The City. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine how she would broach the subject of her love for Fiona, but no matter how she thought of it, she imagined the end result would be a disaster. Before long, her mind a jumbled mess, Prairie was convinced she should have stayed in Missoula.
~/~
/~/~/~
From the back seat of the taxi, Prairie quickly paid the driver who had driven her from Powell Street, where she had disembarked from BART, to Pierce Street and her final destination—Fiona’s condo in The Marina District. Before the driver even pulled away, Prairie was already in Fiona’s building—a small Victorian-esque apartment building that had been converted to condominiums several years earlier. She took the stairs two at a time to the third and top floor. In less than a minute Prairie was standing outside of Fiona’s front door. She stood there, waiting, thinking, worrying. What should she say? How should she say it? What if…
Unable to take the insanity brewing in her head one more moment, Prairie took a deep breath, held it until she could no longer, and then exhaled as she knocked lightly on the door.
1.5—Tired
It had been an entire day since she’d arrived at Fiona’s, and Prairie still hadn’t found a way to tell Fiona how she felt about her, that being friends just wasn’t enough anymore. She wanted more, she wanted… Fiona. A few opportunities had presented themselves since Prairie’s arrival, but each time, much to her disappointment, she chickened out. She wasn’t sure she was going to be able to pull this ultimatum thing off.
The stakes were so incredibly high. If Fiona accepted Prairie’s overture, her life would change. She’d have to alter her current lifestyle of being all about herself, all the time; but if Fiona chose to be with her, it would be a dream come true and worth every change. Difficult, challenging, but so worth it in order to be with the woman Prairie had loved from afar for twenty years. If Fiona rejected her, Prairie had to be prepared to end everything with Fiona. She couldn’t go on just being friends because her heart would always beat for Fiona. No other woman would ever have a chance with her, and Prairie would no doubt end up alone.
~/~/~/~/~
“You all right?” Prairie asked, concerned. “You seem tired.”
“Me? Yeah,” Fiona scoffed. “I’m fine. Just being a mum,” she smiled weakly. “Liam keeps me on my toes.”
Prairie scowled. Her mom had seven kids, a husband and a business, and she always had energy to spare. “You taking your vitamins? Getting enough exercise? Sleep?”
“Prairie, love,” Fiona shook her head and smiled reassuringly. “You’re getting your knickers in a twist over nothing. Don’t worry. I’m fine.”
Prairie pursed her lips.
“Really!” Fiona insisted, dismissing Prairie’s concerns. “Don’t be daft. I’m going to go and read to Liam and put him down for his nap.”
“You want me to do it?” Prairie asked, eager to spend more time with Liam.
“No, no it’s okay, but thank you, Prair.” Fiona smiled gently. “I’ll be out in a little bit, okay?”
~/~/~/~/~
The Marina was busy, with activities of all sorts going on around her. Prairie slowly walked along the Marina Green, particularly mesmerized by the kites flying, elaborate and decorative, and the interesting people who happened along the way. The water was filled with boats of every description.
Fiona had fallen asleep reading to Liam on Fiona’s bed, which she’d done the day before as well. They ended up napping for two hours. Prairie took the opportunity to slip out and give herself time to think away from the distraction of Fiona. After so many years, Prairie was still greatly affected by her. In particular, now that she knew she had to do something about their relationship, Fiona made it difficult for her to do so. Prairie was so in love with Fiona, but also, in the deepest part of her, Prairie feared her. They had history, but it wasn’t all good. Some was great, some the worst in Prairie’s life; and that was what was holding her back from telling Fiona how she felt, and what she wanted. The entire situation felt like déjà vu à la England.
As Prairie walked she lifted her face to the sky and breathed deeply. It was a beautiful San Francisco afternoon, unusually clear with blue skies and not a cloud to be seen. On any other day, they would have all come to the park together; but today, it was important for Prairie to find space where she could think, and be free of diversion. Prairie found a bench where she could sit and watch the boats in The Marina. She needed a calm influence, and boats on the water always seemed to do the trick. At the moment, her mind was so active, everything seemed to be getting jumbled as she tried to sort through her emotions and options. There was no sense of focus as her past, her present, and even her future had become a mangled mess. More pressing than anything else that was going through her mind, Prairie was scared.
Closing her eyes and slowly counting to twenty, when she finished, Prairie remembered Fiona from their very first meeting at the Base Exchange, wearing her Marauders sweatshirt. It was the first time Prairie had ever seen her and mistook her for a military wife. Prairie smiled at the memory, and the beginning of their relationship.
1.6—So Much More
When she returned from The Marina, Prairie was all set to tell Fiona she loved her. That she wanted to be with her. That if it didn’t happen, she would have to disconnect herself from Fiona and Liam forever, because otherwise, it was too painful to be around them. The same spiel she’d told herself a hundred times already, but this time, Prairie meant business. But when she entered the condo, Prairie saw Fiona and Liam, sitting on the sofa having a quiet conversation. She stood and watched for a long while, observing how much Liam was like Fiona, and how beautiful they were together. It became crystal clear that Prairie couldn’t go through with her plan. She couldn’t accept the possibility that Fiona would just say, “Oh well,” and let her go. Prairie felt certain Fiona would be perfectly content to only have Liam in her life if forced to choose. Prairie couldn’t take the chance. She loved them both too much.
“Hey, you guys,” Prairie said smiling as she walked into the living room.
“Annie Pray!” Liam exclaimed, his face beaming with pure joy at the sight of Prairie.
“Hey, kiddo,” she said as she leaned over and kissed the toddler on the head, She sat down next to Fiona. “You miss me?” Prairie asked Liam.
“Yes!” Liam said with such enthusiasm Prairie laughed out loud.
“You have a good walk?” Fiona asked, happy to see Prairie.
Prairie smiled contently at Fiona. “I did.”
~/~/~/~/~
“So Fi, you told Em yet?” Prairie asked from the floor where she was playing with Liam.
“About?” Fiona was wiping down the kitchen counter.
“Liam.”
Fiona sighed and bowed her head. “No. I don’t want to tell her on the phone or in a letter. We need to make a trip down to L.A.. I want her to see him in person. I need to see her face when I tell her.”
“She’s going to be hurt, you know,” Prairie warned. “The longer you wait… You know how sensitive Em is.”
Prairie didn’t understand why Fiona was resisting telling Em about Liam. Why the big secret? The need for secrecy astonished her, but it also made it difficult on Prairie who Fiona made swear she wouldn’t tell.
“I don’t know how much longer I can avoid her just so I don’t slip, Fi. I don’t want her to think I don’t want to talk to her.” Prairie sighed as she conceded, “And, she’ll probably be completely pissed at me when you do tell her for me knowing all this time and not saying anything.”
“I’m sorry.” Fiona crossed the room and sat down on the sofa near where Prairie was still sitting on the floor with Liam. “I know it’s not fair to you. Time has really gotten away from me. Just give me a little longer until we can go down to L.A., okay? It’ll be soon. I promise. I won’t let her be mad at you. It’s me she should be mad at.”
“Okay,” Prairie agreed reluctantly. She didn’t understand. Em and Fiona had always been so close. Soulmates Fiona always said. Why would she keep something so important from Em, her soulmate? Bizarre.
“How are they doing?” Fiona asked.
Prairie got up off the floor and joined Fiona on the sofa. “Em and Eve?”
“Yeah.”
“
Great,” Prairie replied. “They’re happy. They both have projects in the works right now, or at least they did last time Em and I spoke. Eve’s really getting a name for herself in Hollywood. They both are, I guess. They’re just so blasé about it all, it’s kind of weird. Most people would be out of their minds to have movies made or scripts bought. They don’t seem to be affected by the scene at all. Me? I’d probably be a star fucker.” Prairie laughed heartily.
Fiona smiled at Prairie and nodded her head in agreement. “Right.”
“I guess when you’re worth billions it doesn’t matter, but I have to give ‘em both props for still working. They sure don’t need to.”
“It’s crackers, isn’t it, that Em ended up so wealthy?” Fiona mused. “I knew she came from money, but I know she never expected to end up with all of it. Yet, she’s so down to earth. She hasn’t changed at all.”
“I know it.” Prairie agreed that rich or poor, Em was the exact same person she’d always been—except for when they first met. “Em sounds crazy happy, though. I haven’t met Eve yet, but she must be something else to be the cause of so much happiness.” She chuckled to herself. “You’ll meet her when you go down there. You’ll have to fill me in—I want details!”
Prairie Fire Page 2
