Prairie Fire

by Djuna Shellam

  Fiona embraced Em, kissing her softly, lovingly, “And I with you.” A tear rolled down Fiona’s cheek. “I love you, so…” As much as she wanted to, needed to, Fiona could never tell Em she was the first ever for Fiona to love, let alone so entirely, and with so much certainty, and probably the last. It would only make things between them going forward that much more difficult. “I love you,” Fiona whispered with passion into Em’s ear.

  Em began to cry into Fiona’s shoulder. The ache she felt from knowing what brought them together—Prairie—was what was going to keep them apart was too painful to bear.

  “My darling… Aw, don’t cry now,” Fiona spoke softly into Em’s ear. “Listen love, Em… we’ll be best mates. The best mates ever. After tonight, we’ll never speak of us, this, again. It shall be ‘The Unspeakable.’ All right?” Fiona held Em even tighter. “Prairie will never know, my darling. I promise you, I will take it to my grave.”

  Em began to sob.

  “But hey, hey… Emmy,” Fiona cooed, “We’ll love each other, all right? And we’ll remember these few, wonderful, incredible days of us for the rest of our lives.” Fiona fought back her own tears. “Yeah?”

  Em nodded, filled with such deep-seated emotions. She was sad about Prairie, heartbroken about Fiona, loving Fiona, loving Prairie… her mind was reeling. Fiona’s loving arms around her insulated her from a certain breakdown of her emotions, though she didn’t know how long she could control them.

  Holding Em, Fiona thought about the mere days she and Em had been together, realizing they didn’t know for sure that the last time they were intimate really was the final time. No, Fiona thought, it just wouldn’t do. What they had created together was too significant to just walk away from it—to accept anything less than a proper good-bye. Filled with resolve, after a few minutes, Fiona disentangled herself from Em and slowly stood up. She held out her hand to Em. “All right, darling. Come on, then.”

  Em looked at Fiona quizzically. “Where?”

  Fiona took Em’s hands and gently pulled her up from the sofa. She looked deeply into Em’s questioning eyes. Eyes she no longer feared. Eyes she loved with every part of her and everything she was. Her insides suddenly felt as if she were on a roller coaster.

  “I’m taking you to my bedroom,” Fiona stated with sureness. “Where we’re going to make mad, passionate, beautiful love, all night long. And when the sun comes up, we’ll begin our lives as lifelong mates. Until then, I’m all yours… and you’re mine.”

  Em hesitated and pulled back slightly. The finality of going from lovers to just friends overnight startled her. She wasn’t sure she was ready to agree to such a pact. Everything was going much too fast. More than anything, Em was afraid what an entire night with Fiona would do to her—them. Then there was Prairie to think about. Em looked at Fiona with a yearning that came from a place Em didn’t know she had, but it was the look of doubt and even fear on the periphery of Em’s desire that moved Fiona.

  “Emmy, my darling,” Fiona said, her deep love for Em evident in her voice and her face. “The seal is broken, love. It’s impossible to undo what’s been done. That said, I want a proper good-bye to us. I want to make love to you tonight knowing it’s our last. It’s not healthy to have done, thinking there would be more to come, only to find there won’t—and not do anything about it. Yeah?” Fiona’s eyes, filled with love and sorrow, met with Em’s. “Come,” she coaxed with a soft urgency.

  Em was immediately awash with such love and longing for Fiona she couldn’t and wouldn’t deny it. Em nodded as she inhaled slowly. Her hand in Fiona’s, Em willingly followed Fiona to her room where they spent the entire night until the break of day saying good-bye to “us.”

  26.6—The Big Mistake

  The early morning sun filtered subtly through the venetian blinds in the guest room where Fiona and Em lay in each other’s arms, awake, deeper in love than ever, and filled with overwhelming apprehension. Their breathing was in sync, and their nude, exhausted bodies were unwilling to disentangle from each other for the very last time.

  Fiona had never felt the depth of emotion she felt for Em—ever. Her entire life she was sure she was immune to love as she had never experienced before. She’d known fondness, and had experienced strong feelings for other people, but never love, at least never as she’d read and heard it should be. She was content with how things were for her—until Em. Fiona had based her whole life’s plan on one without love and entanglements; yet, she found herself completely entangled with Em—body, mind and soul.

  The night before, in a moment of perceived clarity, she thought having one last night with Em, to say good-bye and finalize the most wonderful relationship she’d known, was the right way to end their intimate relationship—or at least put it back where it belonged. But laying in Em’s arms, completely spent from a night of endless, incredible, intensely intimate lovemaking and heart-wrenching tears, Fiona knew she had made a mistake. Not just a mistake, but a big mistake. She was more in love with Em than ever, and she was certain Em shared her sentiments. The very thought of leaving Em’s arms forever, of tearing herself out of the embrace of the woman she now loved so deeply, so completely, made her want to throw herself on the floor and keen with grief. When she thought her heart couldn’t break anymore, it did.

  Em didn’t dare move, afraid if she did, it would signal the end, that it was morning and the beginning of she and Fiona becoming “best mates.” At the moment, she hated the sun, wishing it would go away and never come back. She wanted to tell Fiona for the millionth time how much she loved her, needed her, wanted her, but if she did, if she dared move or speak, it would be over, and she blamed the sun.

  Em could feel their bodies breathing together, and remembered the hours and hours of intimacy, holding each other, laughing, devouring each other’s bodies, sobbing, the incredible oneness they experienced together… and she didn’t want it to end. Ever. It couldn’t. She thought about Prairie, wondering if she ever found out or if Fiona and Em became a couple, if it really would destroy Prairie. Desperate to not let go of Fiona, Em tried to work every angle she could in her mind, but she always came back to hurting Prairie, which she couldn’t do. Em began to cry. She began to feel as if she’d rather die than let go of Fiona.

  The moment Em began to cry, Fiona pulled Em closer to her. She knew what the tears meant as her own began to flow. They cried in each other’s arms until they could no longer deny what was to come next. Fiona kissed Em’s mouth one last time, deeply, slowly, their tears intermingling, the taste of them bittersweet—a taste they would never forget.

  “I love you, my darling. I will always love you, Em,” Fiona wept softly as she pulled herself from Em’s arms. “It’s a new day…”

  “Fiona…” Em cried. Once Fiona was free of her weak grasp, Em reluctantly got off the bed and anemically gathered her clothes from the floor. She limped toward the door where she stopped and turned, saying to Fiona, who sat dejected on the edge of the bed. “I’ll love you forever, Fi. Forever. I’m sorry…” Em left the room and returned to her own, where she crawled into the bed she once shared with Prairie and cried herself to sleep.

  TWENTY-SIX

  A New Start

  26.1—1978

  If only it had been as easy as Fiona had led Em to believe saying good-bye to us would be. Their last night together was the most intimate, passionate, heartbreaking, and incredible night Em had ever known. It only deepened her love and passion for Fiona. There was no comparing being with Prairie or even Alice. There was an intrinsic quality to the bond between Em and Fiona that seemed to have permeated Em’s DNA. Being so incredibly intimate, physically and emotionally, with anyone was unfathomable; yet, she had been so with Fiona, and it was nearly beyond Em’s comprehension. When she and Fiona were entangled in each other’s arms, Em experienced an indescribable sense of joy beyond any emotion she’d known in her entire life. It was intoxicating. Em knew in the deepest part of her the intensity of love was mut
ual—she could see it, sense it, feel it in every bit of Fiona.

  Even more, with Fiona, Em was never a broken little bird brought back to life as she was to Prairie. She wasn’t a momentary whim as she sometimes felt with Alice. Instead, with Fiona, she was a woman who was wanted for herself, for her body and her mind, and for everything she was. The way Fiona touched her was almost as if she were touching herself. They were one, and Em couldn’t imagine never having that sensation with Fiona again.

  Over the next days, weeks and months, Em was emotionally and physically conflicted between their agreement of what they knew was the right thing to do, and what, in the deepest part of her, she wanted to do. Em wondered if this was it, if Fiona was the one. She couldn’t get their last night together, nor the days prior, out of her head. She was completely and utterly besotted with Fiona.

  Having never been confronted with such a dilemma, to choose between loyalty and love, Em was torn. She had such an abiding loyalty to Prairie, who had pulled her from the depths of despair, against months and months of protest, and given Em her life back; and still, Em couldn’t bear even the idea she and Fiona would truly have to part forever.

  To be forced to deny passion of such depth, that knew no bounds, was cruel and unusual punishment over something as benign as timing. Em felt as if she had to suffocate the raging love she felt for Fiona, but in the process, she was really suffocating herself, dying a slow and painful death just from being in the same vicinity as Fiona.

  Consumed with doubt about the entire concept of love, Em wondered if she was even qualified to judge what was good or not good. There was a time when Em was convinced with all her heart that Alice was the forever one. Even after Prairie, Em still found herself at times aching for Alice. There was still something in what they had that pulled at her so strongly, and she didn’t understand it. Then there was Prairie, who Em knew she was never “in love” with, but who she still loved dearly.

  Like Alice, Prairie, at least as far as Em knew, had put herself and her own needs and desires above Em or their relationship. She, like Alice, had left Em behind, choosing something other than her. Yet, Prairie’s absence and how it continued to affect Em was profound. They were still friends, but the moment Em had broken off their romantic relationship, the quality of their friendship felt as if it had taken a tremendous blow. Em hoped that over time their friendship could be revived, but there was no certainty of it. One thing Em did know for certain, was that if Prairie ever learned of Em and Fiona’s brief but passionate relationship, maintaining any type of relationship with Prairie would be impossible. Prairie being out of Em’s life for good just wasn’t a reality she could fathom or accept.

  Still, Em battled her intense longing to be with Fiona against every ethical and moral argument. Was it possible for true love—once in a lifetime love—to transcend virtue?

  While Em and Fiona continued to love each other dearly as soulmates, cherishing the time they spent as friends and temporary roommates, the underlying suppressed passion cut them to the quick, affecting every moment—awake and otherwise—they spent with each other. Every stolen glance, touch and scent delivered vivid, almost overwhelming flashbacks of their last night together. Em was consumed with internal debates about her loyalty to Prairie, if it was worth it to never be with Fiona again. She needed guidance, someone else to tell her what to do, because on her own, she was drowning in a sea of doubt, but there was no one.

  What Em didn’t know was that Fiona also wrestled over her commitment to her own needs and desires, and whether it was worth potentially hurting Em just to be with her again. She knew the conflict within her about Em and Prairie, coupled with her deep, life-changing love for Em were proof she was right to avoid all emotional entanglements. But what if it worked out? Fiona continually pondered. Was it worth the chance? If it didn’t, was that worth the chance? Fiona had never considered the possibility of ever falling in love with anyone, and had planned her entire life on lovelessness. She preferred a simple, uncomplicated life, but Em and the unexpected passion Fiona felt for her had devastated Fiona’s plans.

  Unexpectedly, Fiona found herself awash in constant longing for Em, so strong, so overwhelming, she couldn’t think. She could barely function day to day with Em nearby. Knowing she was just a room or a seat away, an innocent brush of flesh against flesh here and there was like Kryptonite—weakening Fiona’s resolve. She felt herself completely engulfed by love and conflict. Prairie was her friend, her oldest friend, and besides Em, her only friend. To be sure, Fiona felt certain Prairie probably still loved her in a different way than Fiona would ever love Prairie. Prairie was still important to Fiona, but significantly less important than Em was now. If Fiona weren’t so sure, so certain she would end up hurting Em, she would have willingly sacrificed Prairie to be with Em. But she and Em didn’t agree on that point, which Fiona completely understood. Prairie had saved Em’s quality of life, if not her life, and that, Fiona knew, wasn’t easily sacrificed, if ever. The truth was right there for guidance, but it didn’t make it easy to follow. In the end, Fate was not on their side.

  26.2—Left

  Fiona entered the small kitchen and stood watching Em for several minutes, drinking in every detail of her. Sitting at the kitchen table reading a script, Em’s pencil was poised for editing. Studying the screenplay, Em looked so beautiful and serene, Fiona thought, thinking how much she would miss her. She already missed her. She dreaded the impending conversation, but she couldn’t put it off any longer. She’d already avoided it for days. Sensing she was being watched, Em looked up from her script. “Hey,” she said, her smile fading. “What’s wrong, Fi?” Em asked, immediately reading Fiona’s pensive body language.

  Fiona drew a deep breath. “I’ve been offered a position in San Francisco,” she said slowly, offer in hand.

  Em sensed a hint of sadness in her voice. Or was it regret? Em couldn’t tell. “Oh. You… San Francisco?” Em asked quietly, looking at the letter Fiona held, instantly scared of what it would mean for them.

  “It’s one of the companies I interviewed with last month,” Fiona offered.

  “But, wait… San Francisco? I thought…” Em’s mind was reeling.

  “I met them in L.A., remember? I had a bunch of interviews and they were down here for an account, so…” Fiona was trying to keep the discussion lighthearted and factual. “They liked me, my portfolio. I loved them. It’s a pretty great offer.”

  Em’s stomach began to churn. “Do you know… I mean…” Em sighed. “What are you going to do?”

  Fiona sighed. She did not want to have this conversation, but it couldn’t be avoided. “I’m going to take it, Emmy.”

  Em flinched.

  “I’m sorry.” Fiona was dying inside. “It’s a fantastic opportunity, Em. Aerial work, travel, amazing benefits, bonuses, state of the art equipment… And closer to Seattle where I’m from. In not very long at all I’ll be able to freelance, so… you know, it’s rather, um…” Fiona sighed heavily. “Almost perfect, actually.” Except for the fact that you won’t be there with me, she thought.

  Em slowly put the script she’d been reading on the kitchen table. She pushed it away from her as she tried to process what was happening. “When…” Em began, but stopped to fight back the threatening tears.

  “They want me to start in two weeks, but… I’ll need to find a place to live, so…” Fiona paused as her heart broke a little more, knowing she would be leaving Em, the true love of her life, behind. “Soon, honey.” She pulled a chair over and sat down next to Em, with heavy heart.

  Em didn’t say anything. She didn’t want Fiona to leave, but she didn’t necessarily want to go to San Francisco, either. She would if Fiona asked her to go, but Fiona hadn’t asked. She hadn’t asked. Em looked at Fiona, wanting desperately to know if she wanted Em to go with her, but she was too afraid of the answer.

  “Emmy…” Fiona reached out and put her hand on Em’s knee. Her touch sent a shiver up Em’s leg. Fiona
sighed deeply, she felt it, too. She didn’t want to leave Em, but her resolve was beginning to break. She knew if she stayed much longer, they were going to end up back in bed, and in the end, Em was going to be devastated—and then they would be finished. Fiona wasn’t willing to risk losing Em entirely, for the rest of their lives, over love, which was a state of being Fiona didn’t think she’d ever understand. “I need to go by myself. You know how much I… love you, but…” Her eyes welled.

  The reality of Fiona leaving Em hit her with a force she didn’t expect. Tears began to run down Em’s face. “I… I…” Em covered her face with her hands, weeping softly. “Please don’t leave me here, Fiona. I… don’t want to be without… I don’t want… to be alone, Fi…” is what came out of her mouth, but what she wanted to say and felt with every part of her was, I love you, Fi. I want to be with you. I don’t care what Prairie thinks. Be with me—forever. Take me with you.”

  It didn’t matter what words Em actually spoke, because Fiona knew what Em was really trying to say. She felt the same way, which is why she had to leave Em behind. “Em… honey…” Fiona pulled Em close, wrapping her arms around Em as she sobbed into Fiona’s shoulder, clinging to her. “I’m sorry, love. It’s how it has to be. It’s the best thing in the long run, darling. Really. I stay here any longer, Emmy, and… we’re going to make a mistake. You know it. I know it…” And it hurts too much to be near you.