Chapter 13
Allen
I wish I knew what in the hell I’m doing. Last night I made out with Jessie on the sofa in my room. Then, carried her to bed and held her in my arms all night. My mind is a mess and I’m dreaming dreams that I will never experience. I know that. I also know that if I don’t walk away soon, I’m going to hurt Jessie and that’s the last thing I want to do.
I should run and not walk, leave her behind. She dangerous because of everything she makes me feel, but here I am, after waking up with her in my arms this morning, sitting on her sofa with her, and holding her close.
Jessie is an addiction more potent than any drug I’ve ever had in my system and I have a feeling I’ll never get her out of my system.
I know I can’t keep her, but I haven’t been able to say goodbye yet. I have to have time with her. I need to stare at her face as much as possible and commit every nuance to my memory. I need to listen to her talk over and over so I never forget the sound of her voice, the joy in her laughter or just the way her face animates as she discusses her day.
I planned on selfishly spending the week just like that. Drinking Jessie in—all that is Jessie—so that when I’m alone and the darkness threatens to swallow me whole, I can recall her warmth.
It hasn’t worked out that way though.
Last night when I got in, Ana delivered the bad news. Roman has to go back to Miami tomorrow, which means I’m going back.
Miami is not a world away from St. Augustine, but it’s far enough that there’s no way I’ll be on Jessie’s sofa tomorrow night. There’s no way I’ll be able to soak in her presence and feel her goodness wash over me.
“Allen are you okay? You are being really quiet tonight,” Jessie asks, carefully. Her voice is gentle, her face soft and when I look down at her I realize there’s not one thing I don’t like about her.
Not one.
“I have to leave tomorrow. We’re going home.”
“But, I thought you said you were here for another week,” she questions, distress on her face. I can read it and it makes me feel strange.
No one—besides my sister—has really cared about having me around. Jessie does. She shows it often. I don’t understand it. She deserves better than me. I’m the last man she needs fucking up her life… tainting her.
“Roman got a call about business last night. He has to go back home to deal with it,” I explain. I’ve already told her how I work for my brother-in-law and how much I owe him. I left out why I owe him. I don’t want Jessie to think the worst of me when she finds out about my past.
And she will… How could she not?
“I was hoping for more time with you,” she whispers, and she has no idea what those words do to me—or how much I’ve wished for the same thing. I don’t give her the words I want to. I don’t tell her what I’m feeling. Those feelings would expose how important she is to me, how much I need her, or how it’s killing me to think of leaving her here alone, for another man to claim.
I can never give her those words.
“My life is in Miami, Jessie,” I answer instead, keeping any of the emotion I feel out of my voice. This is not the time for it.
“I’ll miss you, Allen.”
“You’ll find someone else to enjoy dinners with.” I shrug like the knife I just plunged into my own chest doesn’t hurt at all. The thought of Jessie enjoying anything with another man kills me.
“So this is our last night together?” she asks, and those eyes… Fuck, her eyes kill me. It’s as if they can see right through me.
“Probably.”
I can’t bring myself to say the truth out loud. This has to be our last night. I don’t think she’d understand that after tonight, I have no choice but to walk away from her. She is too good for me. I am way too dirty for her. There are a million other reasons I should have never gotten to know Jessie. I should have left her shop that day and never looked back. I was too weak. I had to have more of her, and now I’m left causing her pain… causing both of us pain.
“I’ll miss you.”
It’s three simple words, but they are words that hurt. They hurt because they are honest. You can hear the ring of truth in them. Her words hurt, because I feel the same.
I move my hand to the side of her neck and hold her there, locking my gaze with hers and committing everything about her in that moment to my memory.
“I’ll miss you too, Jessie. More than you will ever know.”
That’s my honesty. Those are the words I give her, instead of the others that are clogging in my brain. She leans into me and I should stop her, but I don’t. My lips find hers and when her tongue slides against my mouth I open for her, taking her tongue inside and returning her kiss.
She tastes of sunshine and cool mornings, of innocence untainted by the world and I drink it like a starving man, knowing that when the kiss is over I have to walk away.
Chapter 14
Jessie
Desperation.
That’s the one emotion that is thrumming through me. I thought I had more time with Allen. I don’t have enough information. I don’t know how to reach him. The only thing I do know is that I need to reach him. It seems stupid, maybe even insane but…
I think I love him. If not that, then at least I know I could love him and that’s never happened before. Instinctively I know that it will never happen again, not like this and not with this much emotion and feeling. The minute I saw him I knew…
I take his kiss like a woman clinging to life, because that’s what this feels like. My heart is breaking, and common sense is thrown out the window. I grasp Allen firmly, my fingers tightening on his neck, holding his lips to mine. He plunders my mouth, owning it. This kiss is more intense than any we’ve shared before.
Maybe he feels as desperate as I do.
“Jessie,” he groans, his arms pushing me from him, and yet holding me at the same time. His hands are like a bruising force, but I don’t mind it. I like it. His breathing is ragged. It matches mine. We stare at each other and somehow I’ve ended up straddling his lap while Allen is lying on his back. “This is a bad idea,” he says, his voice thick and hoarse. Maybe I’m fooling myself, but it feels like there is emotion there.
“You’re right,” I tell him, because I do agree.
“Then we need to stop.” he says. His breathing is still ragged and his gaze seems like it is waging a war behind his dark eyes.
I swallow down the nerves that are threatening to overtake me. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m twenty-four, but I’ve spent my life devoted to getting my store up and running. I’ve not had time for anything else—for anyone else. I want Allen and if I only get tonight with him, I’m going to take it and not look back.
I keep my gaze locked with his. Now is not the time to look away. I need him to see how sure I am about this. I take a breath that moves brokenly through my body, shaking me. Then I grab the bottom of my shirt and before I can talk myself out of it, I pull it over my head.
“I don’t want to stop this,” I tell him as the cool air hits my skin.
“Jessie, damn it.”
My fingers fumble with the front clasp on my bra. Allen’s hand comes up and clamps over mine, stopping me from doing anything else.
“Allen…”
“We shouldn’t do this, Jessie. It’s not right. I’m leaving in the morning.”
“You told me that.”
“Then—”
“And I still don’t want to stop, Allen.”
“Jessie, we have to,” he argues. He may be saying that, but I’m not sure he realizes that his fingers are brushing against my wrist. It’s a soft touch, gentle and innocently erotic, sending shivers of need through my system. “I’m trying to protect you here, Mouse.”
“I don’t need to be protected, Allen. I want you.”
“Christ.”
“If I can only have you for one night, Allen, then I want it,” I tell him, using what courage I ha
ve left. His hand falls away with my words and his face looks almost as if he’s in pain. “If I don’t get tomorrow with you, Allen, I at least want tonight to remember,” I add with stark honesty.
I unlatch my bra, letting it fall to the floor, and wait to see if Allen is going to walk away without giving me a chance to belong to him.
I’m scared he will… and part of me is scared he won’t.
I’m a mess.
Chapter 15
Allen
“Jessie, you don’t know what you’re asking.” I moan out the words, my control nearly snapping. Against my will, my hands move up to palm her breasts. They’re soft and my hands swallow them easily. Her pale skin against my ink looks wrong, but beautiful. Her nipple strains against the palm of my hand. I squeeze it gently, unable to stop myself.
“I’m asking you to make love to me,” she says and how I ever thought this woman was timid is beyond me. She’s everything.
“Where’s your bedroom?” I growl, sitting up, grabbing her hips and holding her to my body as I do. She sways back before clamping her hands down on my shoulders to steady herself. I kiss her shoulder in reward, trying to get control of myself long enough to make this good for her… for both of us. She has no way of knowing that I’ve never truly made love to a woman. Hell, I’m not sure I know how to make this good for her. Fuck, until Jessie, I haven’t wanted another woman. There’s too much in my past for me to let go and enjoy. My reaction to her is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
“I… We could… Here…” she whispers, her breathing so damn ragged it’s killing me. She’s ready to go off right now. It wouldn’t take much to give her an orgasm. The truth in that is freeing. She wants me just as much as I want her.
“If I’m going to make love to you, Jessie, you better damn well believe that it will be in a bed for our first time.”
“First room down the hall,” she mumbles, her soft lips caressing my neck. I tilt my head to give her more access, my fingers digging into her soft round ass when she bites me. “Just hurry,” she adds and I definitely agree with that. Her tongue darts out, soothing the skin she just bit and I wonder if she left a mark, at the same time praying she did.
I want her mark. I want something to remind me of her, because she’s not mine to keep. I have to let her go…
I make it to the bedroom without even remembering how I got there. All I know is she’s standing on her own by the bed facing me. I’ve pulled my shirt off and I’m staring at her, waiting to see what she does next. It’d kill me, but I’d let her back out if she wanted. Hell, half of me is hoping she will. It’s going to be hell to let her go after tasting her.
Jessie looks at me and then her hand moves to the waist of her jeans. She undoes the button and then the zipper. My gaze is glued to her actions. I watch as the zipper breaks away, allowing the light blue silk fabric of her panties to show. They match the bra she took off and they’re sexy as hell. She puts one hand on me to brace herself as she slides her pants down and steps out of them.
“Thank God I remembered the good underwear,” she jokes despite her face blooming a deep red.
“I thought I told you I preferred no underwear,” I respond.
In response she reaches down, hooks the tiny lace rim of her panties on her hip and pulls them down. I watch as they slide over her legs and as she steps out of them I’m sure I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.
“Your wish is my command,” she murmurs breathlessly.
My hand clenches into a fist as I try to rein in my hunger for her. I don’t want to scare her.
“Get on the bed, Jessie,” I order her, my voice commanding. I need to be softer for her, but I just can’t manage it right now.
Her eyes widen, but she does as I ask. I take out my billfold and lay it on her nightstand, and then I push my pants down quickly. My cock is rock hard and leaning out toward her. She can’t know how new that is for me. I’m not a virgin, but this isn’t exactly an everyday occurrence either. I could probably count the times I’ve had sex on my hands. The sad truth is I’ve never had sex sober… It hasn’t been possible. Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m worried I won’t be able to—even now. I’m hard, which is a miracle that doesn’t happen really. Except with Jessie. I’m always hard around her. From the beginning my reactions to her have been different than they’ve ever been in my life. But even though my body is willing… Will my mind leave me alone long enough to bring her pleasure?
I swore when I got sober and walked away from my past, I’d leave it there. I literally killed to leave it in my past. Still, the memories taint everything. I might be sober, I might have walked away from that life and chosen to live, but I don’t think I’ll ever be clean.
“Allen?” Jessie whispers, bringing my attention back to her. She reaches out a hand to me. “I don’t know where you went just now,” she says, her voice still soft.
“Jessie—”
“But I’m asking you to come back to me, Allen. Stay with me,” she says and I find myself putting my hand in hers and joining her on the bed.
For now, at least, my past is held back by the simple touch of a woman who soothes my soul like nothing ever has before.
Chapter 16
Jessie
For a moment, Allen looked completely lost. It was like he completely left the room, even though his body was here with me. There was despair on his face, so stark and clear it was painful to see. I don’t know what is going on with him, but I know it’s hurting him and I want to soothe that—if only for tonight.
He gets down on the bed with me and I hold his face, letting my fingers rub against his soft beard. His body is warm, and it soothes the nerves thrumming through me.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell him, his dark eyes burning me with their intensity. His large body against mine feels solid and huge, but safe at the same time. His tattoos are wrapped around his body, telling stories that I can only guess at, but stories I want to hear.
“I think that’s my line, Mouse,” he murmurs, and his arms go around me as he kisses my forehead gently. He settles on his back, and gently pulls my body over him.
“I should probably confess something, Allen.”
“What’s that, sweetheart?” he asks. He slides his fingers into my hair and then moves them down to gently touch my face.
“I’m kind of new to this,” I tell him quietly. His body goes still and I’m afraid I screwed up telling him that.
“How new?” he asks.
“I’m…”
“Jessie?” he prompts when I trail off, feeling out of my depth.
“I’m a virgin.”
“Maybe… I mean, your first time should be with…”
“You. I want it with you, Allen. No one else.”
“I don’t know if I’m the right person…”
“You don’t want me?” I ask, suddenly feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I go to move off of him, my arm splayed across my breasts, lamely shielding my nudity. His fingers bite into my hip, refusing to let me leave.
“I want you more than you will ever know, Jessie, and that’s the God’s honest truth.”
“Then, I don’t understand,” I tell him. I’m trying to wade through the crazy mixed signals he keeps giving me, but I’m lost.
“Virginity is special, Jessie.” His words make the heat I feel intensify. I know I’m blushing, but I do my best to fight through my embarrassment.
“Would you rather I give it to another man? Would that make me more appealing?” I mutter, sounding and feeling annoyed. I mean, I know there aren’t many virgins left in today’s world—especially my age. But that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of freak.
“Fuck no. Jesus, I keep screwing this up,” Allen growls and I don’t reply, because he’s not wrong and I’m getting dizzy trying to understand. “You should be able to give your virginity to a man you love and one who will be by your side. Not a man you know almost nothing about and who has to go
back to Miami tomorrow.”
“Miami’s not that far away, Allen. It’s in the same state.”
“It’s over five hours, Jessie.”
“I’m confused. Are you trying to talk me out of having sex with you, or are you trying to make it clear you have no intention of continuing our relationship after tonight?”
“Jessie, I just don’t want to lead you on. My life is… complicated.”
“I think I should go get dressed. If my being a virgin freaks you out so much I’ll find someone who—”
I don’t get the words out because Allen’s hand tightens in my hair, wrapping it around his fingers and holding me prisoner. Then he takes my mouth almost violently. His tongue pushes between my lips without waiting for an invitation. He ravages me, taking the kiss over and holding me right where he wants me.
“I don’t want you with another man, Jessie. I don’t want you with anyone but me,” he growls when we break apart. He flips us so that I’m on the bottom now and he’s over me, his face looking almost angry. “I don’t want anyone touching you,” he adds.
“I don’t either, Allen, just you,” I tell him, giving him the complete truth.
He stares at me intently before he bends his head and sucks my nipple into his mouth. I cry in shock. I wasn’t expecting it, but also it feels so good my body trembles in response. His tongue wraps around my nipple and my head pushes back against the pillow as I close my eyes, memorizing every sensation. He sucks again, trapping the nipple between his teeth just as his hand begins torturing my other breast.
“Just me, Jessie,” he growls, pinching one nipple as his mouth releases the other. “Just me,” he says again, blowing on the wet, distended nub that’s aching to be back in his mouth.
“That feels so good,” I moan, my hips pushing up against his body in reaction. “I need more,” I whimper.
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