by Nikki Ashton
Her fear told me that whatever Adam wanted to tell me, it would rock me to my core.
“Can I talk to Sarah alone please, Mrs Danes,” Adam croaked. I switched my wide gaze to him.
“I-I-I don’t know.” My mum looked between us, evidently torn with what to do. Since the trial her need to protect me had been overbearing at times, but she hadn’t been afraid to leave me alone with Adam before.
“Mum,” I cried. “It’s Adam. I trust him.”
Adam let out a breath. Confused, I held out my hand for him and he rushed to take a step closer, not quite touching me.
I hated the space that remained.
“Please, Mum.”
She gave a single nod and Adam was instantly at my side, pulling me against his chest. He kissed my forehead, and then placed his hands on my shoulders and looked down at me.
“I swear to you, I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He looked at my mum, his eyes pleading. “I have to tell her.”
My heart twisted and tumbled as Mum stood aside and Adam took my hand to lead me out of the kitchen and down the hallway to my room.
Once inside he ignored Mum’s usual rule and closed the door, before scrubbing a hand over his face.
“I think you should sit down.”
Frowning I sat down on the edge of my bed, the covers still rumpled from when I’d only got out of it a few minutes before.
“What’s going on? Why didn’t you go to your match?”
“Did you really think I would?” His neck stiffened as he drew his head back. “After what happened this afternoon? There was no way I could have played and kept my mind on the game. I can’t believe you’re even asking me.”
He shook his head, blinking rapidly, and reached for my desk chair, wheeling it over to me and sinking down on it.
I reached up the sleeve of my jumper. “I’m sorry. I-I, well I guess I’m not used to people caring about me. I’m sorry if it gets you into trouble.”
Adam’s eyes went wide. “Sarah, I don’t give a fuck about the match. I care about you and what happened. You were upset. Fuck you were hysterical with shock. How the hell could I even think about leaving you?”
I dropped my gaze to my lap as I enjoyed the feeling of my cool fingertips on my scar.
“Don’t,” Adam said softly, and he pulled my hand from up my sleeve. “I need to tell you something. I don’t think it registered with you earlier.”
“About Joshua Mills,” I stated and narrowed my eyes. My memory jangled, hinting at a jigsaw piece that I couldn’t quite recall.
“Yeah,” he said, letting out a long and exhausted sigh. “About him.”
I didn’t reply but watched as Adam battled with something going on inside of his head. He sat forward, resting his arms on his bare knees, and then flopped backward, the whole time looking tortured.
“Adam tell me.”
He leaned forward again and looked up at me through his long lashes and I swallowed at the glittering pool of tears I saw there.
“I swear to you,” he said. “I knew nothing about it. When he walked across the car park, I was as shocked as you.”
He reached towards me and pulled my hands between both of his, encasing them in warmth. He wheeled the chair forward until his knees were almost touching mine, then he opened his to cage mine in. All his actions could have been seen to be time wasting, but I knew from the way his Atlantic blues gazed at me with sincerity and apology that he simply wanted me to feel safe.
“I didn’t know he was coming here,” he finally said. “I swear.”
I was confused yet had a vague recollection that there was a reason why we were having this conversation, I just couldn’t remember what it was.
“Why would you?” I asked.
“Because…” He let out a long exhale and then leaned his forehead against mine. “Because he’s my dad, Sarah. He’s my real dad. He’s Glen Hudson.”
I tried to pull away from him but as soon as I did, his arms went around me, and he dragged me onto his lap.
“Let me go, Adam, let me go.”
I struggled but he held me tight with his lips at my temple, whispering, “I didn’t know, I swear, I didn’t know,” over and over again.
“No,” I cried, sick rushing up my throat, I swallowed it down. “No, tell me you’re lying.”
“I can’t, Sarah. I’m so sorry.”
“Mum,” I shouted out.
“Please don’t,” Adam begged, bright pools brimming at his lashes. “Please let me talk to you about this. Please.”
I looked into his eyes which begged for me to listen. His Adam’s apple bobbed on a swallow and I clearly saw the distress destroying him.
I opened my mouth to speak, but my door flew open and Mum rushed in. “Are you okay?” she asked, her hands gripped into tiny fists.
Adam dropped his forehead to my shoulder and whispered softly, “Please, Sarah.”
I inhaled and nodded. “I’m fine, Mum. I just wanted to tell you that Adam will be here for a while. He’s told me the truth and I think we need to talk.”
I chewed on my lip. Emotion and worry clouded her face.
“Honestly, Mum, I’m okay,” I soothed.
Adam’s arms squeezed me, and a soft sigh of relief left his lungs as Mum moved back to the door and cleared her throat. “I’ll make us some dinner,” she said pausing to look between Adam and me.
I nodded, but I knew I wouldn’t eat. My stomach bounced like a trampoline and nausea rose with every minute.
“Adam are you staying for dinner?” Mum’s tone was hard and accusatory.
Adam looked up at me and blinked slowly. “Yeah, Mum, he’s staying.” She went to leave but hesitated at the door, looking back over her shoulder at us. “Honestly, Mum, I’m good, I swear.”
With a hand on her stomach she left, leaving the door slightly ajar.
Once I heard Mum rattling pans in the kitchen, I turned to Adam. “Was this all part of your plan?” I asked quietly
Adam reared back. “God no, I fucking swear, Sarah. I had no idea. I didn’t know that my d-da… Glen was an art teacher.”
Memories of that room, full of paint and brushes and the smell of turpentine and fear, invaded my senses. I felt like I was back there, it was all so clear in my head.
“Are you okay?” Adam asked, glancing down and taking hold of my shaking hands between his own.
I nodded. “Just tell me the truth, Adam.”
“I am, I swear. When he was married to my mum, he worked for a garage that dealt in custom built cars. He did all the spray painting. Mum told me once that he’d been to uni and had a degree, but that was all she said, she didn’t elaborate, so I had no idea what in. I guess it was teaching or art maybe. I have no fucking idea.” He turned and looked out of the window where the sun was slowly going down. “I can’t believe he’s the same man that did that you, Sarah. I can’t believe he’s here.”
“Really?”
His gaze swung back to me. “Yes, really. I told you. He left when I was five and I haven’t heard from him, or seen him since; not until today.”
I pushed back a little, wanting to look right into his eyes, but his arms wrapped around my waist, leaving only centimetres between us.
“Don’t you think I would have called him before now if I’d known where he was?” Adam nostrils flared. “Do you think I’d have stayed with my mum, with that bastard Eric who beat me, if I’d known where he was. I’d have called him and asked if I could go and live with him.”
That thought sent ice through my veins and I shifted to move off Adam’s lap.
“Would have, Sarah,” he said, his voice cracking. “Past tense. Not now. Now I have you and…”
“And your precious Dad raped me.” I clutched my head and squeezed it tight, as if I could squash the pictures of his guilt into nothing. “How can I believe you?”
I heaved in a breath, dragging air into my lungs.
“I told you the truth,” Adam cried. “I didn’
t know. Do you think if I’d known it was him, I’d have…?” He paused and dropped his head back. “Fuck, I don’t know, Sarah. I don’t know anything anymore. I’m just shell shocked by it all. My dad, who I’ve prayed to return every fucking day, is here, and I find out he might have raped my girlfriend and then there’s—”
“Might have raped me,” I cried, forcefully pushing my flat palms into Adam’s chest.
His arms came back around me before I could properly get free. “I didn’t mean it like that. It was just a figure of speech. I believe you, Sarah. I saw what seeing him did to you. Of course, I believe you.” His eyes were fearful as his arms tightened around me. He pressed his lips to my temple, his whole body encompassing mine, swaddling me, as if he was never going to let go.
We lapsed into silence and exhaustion suddenly swamped me. I couldn’t help but sag against him. His hoodie smelled of fabric conditioner and him and I breathed it in, calmed and comforted. I really wanted to believe he had nothing to do with his dad turning up at our school. Try as I might though, it all seemed too much of a coincidence; something that you only ever read about in a book.
When I yawned, Adam shifted in the seat and before I knew it, I was being carried to my bed and laid down.
“Lift your legs.”
I did as I was told, and Adam pulled my violet coloured duvet over me. He went to sit back on the chair, but I pulled at his top.
“Lie with me,” I said when he looked back at me.
He glanced at the door which my Mum had left slightly ajar and then his eyes were back on me. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. We need to talk some more, but I think we could both do with some sleep first.”
“But your mum is making dinner.”
“It’s fine, she’ll keep it warm.”
Adam still looked cautious, nothing like the boy who ruled Maddison High School.
“Please Adam, I need to sleep, and I don’t want to be alone.”
He closed his eyes and let out a breath before quickly toeing off his trainers and pulling his hoodie over his head, placing it on my desk chair. He was still in his training gear which meant he probably hadn’t even gone back into school once his… once Joshua Mills had turned up.
I scooted over to give him room and turned on my side to face him. Once Adam was in the bed with the duvet over him, I allowed myself to move a little closer. As I looked at him, I bit on my lip having no idea what I was doing. Should I have told him to leave and never speak to me again? Or was I right to keep him by my side for strength and comfort? I knew my Mum would have liked me to make him go, but in just a couple of weeks he’d become my person, the one who I wanted by my side at times like this. The fact that his own father was the product of my nightmares was strange, admittedly, but I couldn’t imagine anyone else being with me. I knew Adam would guide me through what was bound to be one of the worst times of my life – hell, a continuation of the worst time of my life.
I chose Adam Hudson; I just hoped he’d be able to support me.
I yawned behind my hand and smiled when Adam immediately fought against one too.
“Sleep,” I said.
Adam reached out with his index finger and slowly traced the outline of my nose. “I want to be awake in case you need me,” he replied, edging closer to me.
“Just having you here will help.”
His face softened and he moved his hand to just above the waistband of my skirt while he tucked his other under the pillow. His lips were pouty and kissable, and I couldn’t help but lean closer and take his mouth in mine. As I took control and swept my tongue against his, he groaned and squeezed my waist, pushing his hips forward so that I could feel his erection in his training shorts. I raked my fingers through his hair, allowing my nails to graze his scalp and when his hand snaked down into the back of my skirt, I felt myself get wet. That was what he did to me, what his touch did to me; it made me forget.
As I moved a hand towards Adam’s hard on, he pulled back and ended the kiss.
“What?” I whispered, feeling the loss of his lips on mine.
“For one your mum is only down the hall, and tonight she’s not engrossed in TV. Tonight she’s worried about her daughter and is likely to come and check on you at any point. And,” he sighed, as he brushed my hair from my face, “for two, you’ve had a huge shock. You’re emotionally fucked and need to sleep.”
“Maybe it will relax me,” I replied rubbing at the frown lines between his brows.
“Maybe, but it’s not happening.” Adam smiled and pulled me closer, tucking me under his chin. “Sleep, babe.”
He kissed the top of my head and I sighed with contentment.
“How the hell are you still holding yourself together?” he asked, surprising me.
I answered honestly, without worrying that it might be the worst possible answer I could give.
“You,” I replied. “You are how I’m holding it together.”
Adam’s body visibly relaxed against mine and then he too let out a sigh. Within minutes his breathing was steady and heavy in time with mine.
3
Adam
I woke up wrapped around Sarah and for a second all the shit that had happened that afternoon didn’t exist. I was just a horny seventeen-year-old lad with a hard on poking into my girlfriend’s arse. But, when she stirred and whimpered, it all came flooding back.
My dad was back and had been responsible for raping my girlfriend.
I pulled her closer to my chest and smoothed her hair away from her face; she seemed to settle down. It looked like early evening from the twilight I could see through her open curtains. I could hear Mrs Danes in the kitchen and remembered that she was going to make us some dinner and thought we should probably get up. I didn’t really want to wake Sarah though.
My gaze skimmed around the room I’d spent a lot of time in over the last couple of weeks, and I couldn’t help grinning when they landed on her desk chair which I’d wheeled next to the bed earlier. We’d had sex on it only two days before when Sarah’s mum said she was taking a bath. Sarah was sitting on my knee as we looked on the internet for part-time jobs for the summer, but as soon as we’d heard the bathroom door’s lock click, it was all systems go. I’d had Sarah’s knickers off and her straddling me in record time. Mrs Danes hadn’t even finished her bath by the time we were both gasping for breath after coming hard.
Wishing we could go back two days, I blew out my cheeks and tightened my grip on Sarah’s hip. I must have done it too hard because her eyes fluttered open.
“Hey.” I leaned forward and kissed just below her ear. “How are you feeling?”
She turned over so we were almost nose to nose and gave me sleepy smile.
“I have a bit of a headache, but it’s okay. How about you?”
I shrugged. “Don’t know really. All feels a bit weird.”
Sarah swallowed and her eyelids flickered. “I don’t know how we should be dealing with this, Adam. I have no idea whether we…”
Her words trailed off and my heart thumped high in my throat.
“What?” I barely got out the question. I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to it.
Sarah’s hand cupped my face, her fingertips warm against my skin. “I have no idea whether we should stay together, or whether this is just too big for us to deal with.”
“I suppose that’s up to you.” I let my head fall back and sighed out a quiet groan. “I get it if him being my dad is too much for you, but I don’t want us to finish. I want to be with you.”
“Y-you do?”
I frowned and stole a quick kiss. “Of course, I do, but I have to be honest it isn’t going to be easy. He’s my dad and at some point, I’m going to have to talk to him.”
Sarah stiffened and her breathing faltered.
“I have to. I haven’t seen him in for almost thirteen years. My mum will definitely want to know.”
“I know, but it’s just the thought of him being here.” She closed
her eyes and shivered.
I’d never wanted to take away someone’s pain and torment so much as I did with her. Usually I created it, but with her I’d do anything to make her feel better. Could I ignore my dad though?
While we lay in silence, Sarah still tucked under my chin, and I stroked down her hair, it would have been quite easy to forget the trauma waiting for us in the world outside. We were so content that we were almost asleep again when Mrs Danes tapped on the door and walked in.
“Dinner is ready.” She cleared her throat and looked around the room, probably for evidence that we were naked under the covers.
Sarah answered her mum’s questioning eyes by throwing the duvet off us. “Okay, thanks, Mum.”
We both stretched while Mrs Danes busied herself by picking a pair of Sarah’s jeans from the floor and throwing them into the wash basket by the door.
“Come on,” she said as she paused before leaving. “You don’t want it to go cold.”
When she finally left the room, Sarah groaned and pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes.
“This is going to be awkward. She’s either going to question you non-stop or give you the silent treatment.”
“That’s only natural. I can go,” I offered. “If that’s what you think is best?”
Sarah’s eyes went wide. “No, I want you to stay. Please.”
I took a deep breath and gave her a single nod, because in that moment I’d do anything for her.
Sarah and I were sat in the back of her mum’s car. Since I’d left my car at school, she’d offered to drive me home. Just as Sarah had thought, dinner had been a little uncomfortable. Mrs Danes had been silent throughout, alternating between picking at her food and watching my every move. Finally, after helping to wash the dishes I’d suggested I should go. I still had to tell my mum that my dad was back, and I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. I knew she’d turn it all around to be about her, that was just what my mum was like. Everything was about her - always. She’d have no concept of how it made me, or more importantly Sarah feel. Sarah and I had discussed it and agreed that we should tell Mum what Glen, Joshua or whatever the fuck he called himself, had done to Sarah. It wouldn’t make a bit of difference though; Elouise Crawford would only think of herself.
