by Nikki Ashton
The look of sympathy she had one her face contradicted her words. As far as Alannah was concerned, Adam was back to his old ways.
“You want to say I told you so, don’t you?”
“God no. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like that. I know how he can be, and I know how shit he can make you feel. I don’t want that for you.”
The reminder that my boyfriend had been intimate with the girl who was now probably my best friend, filled my mouth with a bitter taste. I was angry that Alannah had even thought to mention it.
I pulled away from her and stormed over to a rack of sale items and started to look through them. It wasn’t long before Alannah joined me.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” She looked contrite, so I flashed her a quick smile.
“I hate that he did that to you, Alannah, you and Amber, but he’s not like that with me.”
Alannah raised her brows.
“Okay he wasn’t like that, but he might be telling the truth.”
“Yeah, he might, but there’s something that’s stopping you from believing that. Some intuition that’s making you think the worst.”
At that moment, Amber appeared with the dress hanging from a hanger, in her hand. “I’m going to get it,” she said, looking less than enthusiastic.
“Why didn’t you come out and show us?” Alannah asked.
Amber shrugged. “Just didn’t. Come on I need to pay.”
As she walked off Alannah shook her head. “See, she makes a career out of being miserable.”
Following them both to the cash register, I couldn’t help but laugh, but any lightness I might have felt was weighed down with the nagging worry about Adam.
There was only Adam’s car on the Crawford’s driveway when Alannah dropped me off. Even though she’d tried to persuade me not to go, I knew we needed to talk though. I was glad it didn’t look as though anyone else was home , this needed to be alone.
I lifted a shaky hand and closing it into a fist, rapped hard on the door. Within a minute I spotted Adam through the glass. He hesitated for a second but then continued down the hall and opened the door.
“Hey,” he said, looking over my shoulder and then down at the floor before finally fixing his gaze onto me.
“Can I come in?”
I looked him directly in the eye, my face impassive despite the fact that part of me wanted to cry. It was there in his eyes; the look which said I wouldn’t be leaving his house feeling happy.
Adam stepped aside to let me in and then led me into the lounge. There was music playing and I instantly recognised it as ‘Ex’ by James TW. I just hoped it wasn’t some sort of a sign.
“What’s going on, Adam?” I rounded on him immediately. “No lies, because I know something is. We were fine all afternoon, then you got those calls and you’ve damn well ghosted me for the last twenty-four hours. Don’t lie and say you haven’t because I know you have.”
He curled his lip and shrugged, displaying hints of the old Adam, the one that I didn’t want to be with; the one I didn’t deserve.
“Don’t shrug at me like that, like I’m not even worthy of words.”
“Told you, I fell asleep.” He walked past me and threw himself down onto the sofa and sprawled against the cushions. “Been busy this morning, that’s all.”
He couldn’t even look at me; his eyes were everywhere except where they should have been. It was proof that my intuition had been right. There was something wrong and he didn’t have the guts to tell me. I didn’t have the energy to waste beating around the bush with him about it. My gut told me he was avoiding me, and I wasn’t going to tiptoe around the subject.
“I actually thought you cared about me,” I said, furling my hands into fists at my side. “I honestly thought we had something. You came to me yesterday when I needed you. You took care of me, you’ve told me we are perfect, that we fit together. So what the fuck happened between leaving my house and seven o’clock when you were supposed to pick me up?”
I clamped my bottom lip between my teeth, desperately trying to stop the quiver in my chin. To cry in front of him would be the worst thing I could do, because that would mean admitting to myself how deep my feelings for him were. There was no way I could get through what he was going to say, if I didn’t close myself off from what he was doing to my heart.
“Well?” I urged when he didn’t respond. “And I want the truth.”
His shoulders slumped in resignation. “I think I realised that with all the schoolwork I had and having to help out with Lori, that we probably see too much of each other. I’d been with you all day, and just wanted to get my head around things. I think you want something more serious than I’m prepared to give.”
He scratched at his chest and then looked over to the window, looking at the empty street outside.
“Liar! If anyone has pushed this into serious territory, then it’s been you. You’re the one who came to me late at night, you’re the one who kicked off if I didn’t sit with you at lunchtime. You begged me to believe you about Mackenna, you even came home to make sure I did. Why would you do that if you didn’t care?” I took a deep breath. “You’re the one with the fucking experience, Adam. You knew that I was scared that I’d get hurt, yet you still...”
I trailed off as I heard his breath hitch and he threw his hands to the top of his head. His face crumpled as he looked at me.
“And that’s why I can’t fucking be with you, Sarah,” he cried. He got up from the sofa and moved to stand in front of me. “I knew you were scared, and I was selfish thinking I could change and be what you wanted, just because I wanted you.”
“Who says you can’t,” I replied, wrapping my arms around my waist. “You’re doing a good job of it so far.”
“Because the truth will kill me, it’ll kill us, and I can’t be two people. I can’t be the son of a rapist and I can’t be the son who is desperate for his dad’s attention. Don’t you see, I’m pulled in two directions and whichever I choose is going to be bad for you.”
I drew in a ragged breath and shook my head. “Being his son doesn’t make you like him, Adam. You’re nothing like him.”
“But I am. You know I fucking am. You told me once that he was manipulative and clever and told lies while he domineered people, well isn’t that me. Don’t I do those things? I did those things to your friends, so don’t tell me I’m nothing like him, Sarah.”
“But you’re not,” I cried. “You’ve saved me, more than once, he would never do that.”
My heart beat harder, forcing the fear around my body, making it difficult to breathe because the air in my lungs wouldn’t budge. It continued to build, almost suffocating me as I begged Adam with my eyes to listen to me.
His hand reached out to me, but when I moved mine forward, he snatched his back and it felt like he’d reached in and snapped the blood supply to my heart.
“You can’t even touch me now?”
Adam shook his head and swallowed hard. “No. Because, if I touch you, I know I’ll give in and I’ll kiss you. I’ll beg you to forgive me and we’ll go back to how we were.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
I closed my eyes on the tears pricking at my eyelashes and listened to the sound of Selena Gomez singing ‘Lose You to Love Me’, and silently prayed that Adam would change his mind.
“What’s wrong with that,” he continued, “is that one day I will hurt you. I’m not good enough for you, Sarah. I’m Glen Hudson’s son. I’m his flesh and blood, I have his genes. He’s a manipulator, a liar and he abandons those he’s supposed to love. I can’t build something with you knowing that one day I’m going to be just like him.”
“You have two lots of genes, Adam.”
He gave an empty laugh and raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Yeah and the others aren’t much better. She’s lazy, self-centred and she’s also a liar. She’s known where he was all this time and lied to me about it, she let a grown man beat me, Sa
rah. She can fucking dress it up all she likes, but she knew and she let it happen. I was nine years of age, what mother doesn’t see that?”
“I don’t—”
“I’ll tell you. The sort of mother who only cares about herself and what she needs. The sort of mother who suddenly stops checking on her son, because she knows if she helps him have a bath or to get dressed, she’ll see the bruises that will mean she’s going to be on her own again. So, she might not have seen the black, blue and yellow that covered my back and chest, but she knew it was there. I will not put you through a relationship with me when I have the DNA of two people who are monsters in their own rights.”
Tears streamed down both our faces. He was gripping at his hair and his chest heaved at the pain he’d unleashed, as though he’d run a marathon. The determination on his face and in his stance was palpable as his gaze stayed pinned to me.
“This is how it has to be, Sarah. If we stay together, we’ll both always be wondering.”
I drew in a breath, knowing he wasn’t going to change his mind but having to show him how I felt and what could have been.
With one stride I was in front of him, my hands threaded into his hair, my lips on his. Adam opened up immediately and when my tongue pushed inside his mouth, he reacted in the same way he always did, by taking my breath away with his intensity.
I nipped at his bottom lip and scored my nails against his scalp, causing him to groan and his dick to swell. My hips moved forward on instinct and Adam’s hands moved, one to the small of my back and one to the centre of my shoulder blades. They pushed me closer while our kiss became more insistent.
Our tongues swept against each other and our teeth clashed as we grew more eager. Hands were suddenly grabbing at clothes and our breathing was heavy and loud. I knew we could be naked, and Adam would be thrusting inside of me within seconds, but afterwards nothing would change. He would still feel the guilt and despair, he would still feel inadequate, and then it would be even harder to accept his actions.
As Adam groaned against my mouth, I pulled away breathing hard, turned on by the animalistic way we’d kissed.
“You’re right, Adam,” I said breathlessly. “You will always be wondering, but now it will be about the goodness you could have had in your life, not the hurt that might never have come.”
As I left the house and walked down the driveway, the dam which had been holding back my tears, broke. I sobbed hard, with my shoulders heaving and a pain in my chest that I knew would take an age to go away.
It was when I reached the pavement that a smooth hand tucked into mine, and when I looked up, I saw my friend walking beside me.
“Come on,” Alannah said, squeezing my hand. “Let’s get you home.”
“He thinks he’s not good enough,” I whispered through my sobs, as my free hand clutched at my stomach.
“Well,” Alannah replied with a sigh. “If he says he isn’t, then he isn’t.”
She was right. If Adam really was good enough, he’d have fought to make sure he never let me down, but it was over now, and we would never know.
13
Adam
Mackenna grinned as she put her tray down on our table. It was the sort of smile that said, I knew I’d be back. I had no idea why I’d even asked her, other than to let everyone know that Sarah and I weren’t together anymore.
We’d been back at school for two day and I’d seen Sarah twice. History had been the fucking worst, because we were project partners and sat next to each other – or so I thought. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got there that Mr Raymond announced I was now partnered up with Edward Stokes. I thought I’d at least be able to watch Sarah from my position at the back of the class, but apparently, I’d been moved to sit at Edward’s desk in front of Sarah and Shannon’s.
No words had been spoken between us and when I’d given her a smile at the end of the lesson, I’d received nothing in return. Sarah had blanked me and then walked out. Hence why Mackenna was now sitting opposite me and pushing salad around her plate and telling me she couldn’t eat any more than the forkful she’d already had.
“Are you going to Charlie Douglas’ eighteenth?” Mackenna asked, shoving her tray of barely touched food away.
“Nah. Seth Davies is going, and I don’t think me kicking the shit out of him would go down too well.”
Mackenna giggled. “No, I’m not sure if I’m going either.”
“I thought she was your best friend, or one of them?”
I gave Ellis a nod as he sat down. He looked at Mackenna and raised his eyebrows.
“What do we owe the pleasure?”
“Adam asked me to sit here.” She preened and then turned to me. “She can be a bitch sometimes, and I think her parents will be there, so who wants to go to a party with a load of oldies there?”
“Where’s Tyler and Kirk?” I asked Ellis without acknowledging Mackenna’s comment.
“On their way. Kirk got talking to Mr Barnes about his IT coursework and Tyler, no idea.”
I was still keeping some distance from the lads, apart from Ellis, but that had been more about wanting to be a better person for Sarah. Now that was no longer necessary. Then as if my brain had conjured her up, she walked into the dining room with Alannah and Amber. She looked so fucking beautiful it made my chest ache. Her hair was in one long plait, hanging over her shoulder and there was no baggy jumper to hide her curves, but a white t-shirt with a red heart on the front with red cropped jeans and a pair of white Vans.
“Mackenna, come and sit here,” I barked and pulled the stool out next to me.
Like the good little girl that she was, Mackenna rushed around to my side of the table and sat down, dragging her seat closer to mine.
“We could go to Charlie’s party together,” she said running her fingers through my hair. “I’ll protect you from Seth Daniels.”
Her giggle and touch grated on me and was I just about to pull away when I noticed Sarah watching us. She’d stopped dead still in the middle of the dining room with her hand rubbing at her wrist. Alannah was tugging on her arm, trying to pull her on, but Sarah wasn’t moving. She looked distraught. All I wanted to do was rush to her and tell her I was a fucking idiot.
I was a fucking idiot.
“Yeah maybe we could do that.” I turned to face Mackenna and leaned into her.
She did exactly as I expected and kissed me. Her tongue pushed at the seam of my lips, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her kiss me like that. The taste of her mouth on mine was bitter and sour, her arms wrapped around my neck, strangulating and controlling.
I pulled back and half turned away to speak to Ellis.
“What time is the minibus leaving for Rochford Academy?”
We had an away game and I was finally back in the team after sitting out the previous game.
“Four. We’ve got practice too, don’t forget, so we get off last lesson.”
My gaze wandered over to where Sarah had been standing to see she’d now moved to a table where she and Alannah had their heads down and were talking. It looked like Sarah might be crying, but her head was down, and Alannah was leaning in closely, obscuring my view.
“Are we going to have some fun with her?” Ellis asked, nodding in Sarah’s direction.
“No. Just fucking leave her alone.” I hissed, gripping the edge of the table.
Ellis’ eyes widened, and he held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, I get the message.”
As he went back to his lunch, and Mackenna went back to hanging onto my arm and glaring at every other girl in the dining room, we fell into an uncomfortable silence. It was one of those where you literally want to crawl up your own arse to hide away from it. In fact, it was so awkward that I silently begged for Mackenna to say something in her annoying, nasally whine. After a few minutes, I sighed with relief when Tyler approached the table. That was short-lived though when he grimaced and leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Think you should know Seth Dav
ies is mouthing off about your step-dad.”
I shook Mackenna away from me and stood up. “What’s he saying?”
“He told me that he heard he knocked you about.”
I turned to look over to where Sarah was sitting. At that very moment, her head lifted, and her gaze collided with mine.
“Where did he hear that?” I asked Tyler, not taking my eyes off Sarah.
“Didn’t say. Just he’d heard. Not the only thing he said though.”
My head swivelled back to Tyler and my stomach began to churn. “What else?”
“The same thing he said that night in TJ’s, that Sarah has shagged your dad.”
Mackenna gasped beside me. “Ugh gross. What a skank.”
“Shut the fuck up.” I bent down and leaned into her space. “And while you’re at it, fuck off and don’t come near me again.”
Her mouth dropped open and she shrank back from me. “But I thought… what about Charlie’s party?”
“We’re not going.”
I noticed a few people’s heads pop up from their lunches at the sound of my voice, and when I looked down at Mackenna, with her too tight top and short skirt, dressed like it was fucking July instead of February, I felt my anger rise.
“I don’t know what you thought might happen with us, Mackenna,” I snarled, loud enough for most of the dining room to hear. “But it’s not. You’re good for one thing and I’m even bored of that. Now, do as I say and fuck off.”
Mackenna’s eyes filled with tears, and I was shocked. Mackenna never showed emotion of any kind, except hatred.
She glanced at Ellis and then back to me. “You’ll be back,” she protested as she tilted her chin up and pushed her shoulders back. “I’m the one you always come back to.” She then turned towards Sarah and pointed in her direction. “That freak is not who you should be with.”
Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to face our table. Their eyes followed the direction of where Mackenna was pointing and one by one they all stared at Sarah. I could see her cheeks reddened with embarrassment and I wished I could turn back the last fifteen minutes. She didn’t deserve the shit that people like me and Mackenna handed out.
