by Leila Lucas
I just nod in response. I feel like I will throw up again if I open my mouth to say anything.
Susan comes out of Dylan’s room and puts her arms around Roy. They all look completely exhausted. It took me almost ten hours in total to get back to Nashville. Longest ten hours of my life. From the second I got the phone call I booked a flight while on my way to the airport. So I know they were up all night and needed to sleep at least a little bit.
“You guys can go shower and sleep. I’ll spend the night here and call you if anything happens,” Ben tells them.
“That’s a good idea, son.” Roy nods.
“I’ll stay with you.” I look at Ben for approval. I don’t want to be intrusive, but I also don’t want to leave Dylan. Ben smiles and I relax a little, knowing I can be here in case anything happens. I can’t imagine sitting at home waiting for the phone call.
Once Roy and Susan go home, Jackson and Chester come into the room and we quietly talk for a while. Normally they wouldn’t allow so many people in the room overnight, but Roy is a well-known surgeon around here and nobody would dare kick his son and his friends out. As I turn to Ben I notice he fell asleep again and is struggling to get his six-foot-one frame comfortable in the small chair.
“Go home.” I rub his knee gently, not wanting to scare him.
“Who?” He jumps up, trying to look really awake.
“Go home. I’ll stay the night. You need to rest. I’ll call you if anything happens.” I take his jacket from the back of the chair and throw it to him. He doesn’t say anything and I can tell he’s unsure of what to do. I know how hard it is leaving Dylan in bed like this, but it’s easier if we take turns so he’s never alone.
“I promise. If anything happens at all you’re the first person I’ll call,” I reassure him. He stares at Dylan for a while then just nods slowly.
“We’ll drive you home.” Chester pulls his keys from his pocket and gets up.
I’m alone in the room with Dylan.
I already miss the distraction of having someone to talk to. The room is completely silent aside from the machine sounds, which will haunt me for the rest of my life. I haven’t moved from the corner of the bed. My body is numb and I’m starting to feel the effects of not eating anything all night.
I hear footsteps at the door and a nurse comes in. She’s fairly young, has her hair up in a neat ponytail, and is wearing light blue scrubs. She puts a blanket and a pillow on the visitor’s chair.
“The group of boys told me you’ll be spending the night here. Thought I’d make it a little more comfortable for you.” She gives me a sympathetic smile. I watch her recline the chair to a slightly more comfortable angle.
“I know it’s not the most comfortable thing to sleep on but reclining it helps.” She walks over to Dylan’s bed and checks something on his chart and puts it back. “Oh, and these are for you.” She pulls out a few packets of biscuits from her pocket.
“Thank you.” I open a packet immediately because I’m starving.
“Can he hear me?” I ask her as she begins to leave.
“Nobody really knows, but I like to think he can. Talk to him. They say it sends positive vibes and helps the patients recover faster.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just talk about your day or any good memories you have. Anything positive.” She smiles.
“Can I touch him?”
“Of course, just don’t move his tubes.” She points to a red button on the side of the bed. “And if anything happens just press this button and a nurse will come right away.”
“Thank you.”
When she leaves I move the chair as close as possible to his bed without knocking anything over. The only thing familiar about him right now is his tattoo. I run my fingers up and down his arm gently not to touch any tubes.
“So I’m supposed to talk to you, and I feel really stupid because nobody is here and you’re… you’re sleeping,” I begin. “I can’t tell you about my day because it was the worst day of my life and it’s not a positive thing to talk about.” I can’t think of anything to talk about. I just want him to wake up.
“I really missed you. The entire time I was away I was just looking forward to coming home to see you, just never thought it’d be like this. I don’t even think I told you I missed you in the last few days. You didn’t even know.
“You were meant to be waiting for me at the airport and then spend the night eating pizza and playing board games. We had plans, Dylan. You can’t go, we had plans.” I reach for the box of Kleenex next to me and wipe my eyes.
Our relationship is still new, so we didn’t talk too much about the future, but Dylan was it for me. You see it in books and movies where the heroine will know that he’s the one within a day. You hear older couples talk about how they knew they’d be together forever since their first date, but it all sounds like a bunch of crap. That’s just what people say when they successfully did the happy marriage thing. But I want Dylan forever. I want Dylan the fiancé, Dylan the husband, and Dylan the dad. I can’t say for sure if I knew it from our very first date, but I know it now. And I pray to whoever will listen that it’s not too late. That we didn’t just lose our chance at happiness.
I remember what the nurse said about talking positively, so I grab my phone and open my photo album. I get comfortable and scroll through my photos, going through every single one in as much detail as I can for the rest of the night.
DAY 2.
Before I know it, a knock at the door startles me and I look up. Susan, Roy, Ben and the rest of the band walk in with coffees and small paper bags. They look like they just showered, but their dark circles show they got no sleep at all. I get up off the chair and get my things to give the guys some time to talk to Dylan. Ben comes over and wraps me up in his arms and rests his head on mine.
“This is so fucked up. So fucked up,” he says quietly.
“I know,” I mumble. He pulls away and gives me a coffee from the tray Roy was holding.
“I’ll drive you home,” Ben says. I give everyone a quick hug goodbye and follow Ben to his car. I hate leaving Dylan, but the combination of no sleep, stress, and an empty stomach will make me end up bedridden and I don’t need that right now.
“No changes?” He unlocks the car.
“No. The nurse said to talk to him about positive things, so I did that all night. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so helpless.” I get in the car.
“I’ll make sure we all continue talking to him while you’re getting your rest.”
The fifteen-minute drive home is eerily quiet. The Ben sitting next to me is almost unrecognizable. Sure he looks the same, just a little more tired, but his loud personality has disappeared and I can’t help but wonder what would happen to him if Dylan doesn’t make it.
“I know your boyfriend isn’t around at the moment, but it’s a bit too soon to be looking lustfully on his much hotter brother, don’t you think?”
I turn to him and he winks at me. I guess the normal Ben is still in there somewhere.
“You’re an idiot.” I laugh.
“He’ll be okay.” He turns to me as he parks the car.
As soon as I walk in, I go straight into the bathroom, take everything off, and just stand under the hot running water. I stood there motionless until the water started getting cold and made me snap back to reality. I stare at my clothes on the floor. They’re just plain jeans and a sweater, but they’ll forever be attached to a bad day. I throw them in the tiny bathroom bin and grab my robe that’s hanging on the door. Even the bed doesn’t feel the same anymore. The same bed I spent countless nights in with Dylan, the same bed where I first realized I loved him, and the same bed I might sleep forever alone in. I look over at the polaroids on my bedside table and the top of the deck is a photo of Dylan and me on Christmas Day. He’s sitting behind me and we both have huge grins on our faces. My phone buzzes and for a split second I think it’s him, but it’s my mom.
> I can’t believe you just left like that. A day wouldn’t have made a difference. The empty seat will look ridiculous tonight.
Anger suddenly erupts and I throw my phone across the room, hitting the wardrobe mirror, which comes smashing down in pieces. I was going to attend my mom’s party while I was in L.A. for the signing event. She must have gone to my hotel to meet me for a pampering session. Her event has been the last thing on my mind since I got the phone call.
“Shit! Chloe! Chloe… is that you? Are you okay?” I hear Vikki’s frantic voice. She runs in and looks at me, then at the mirror.
“I… I’m sorry, I’ll fix it.” Tears are filling my eyes.
“Oh God, don’t worry about the fucking mirror, are you okay?”
“No. Dylan… he’s—why are you here?” I know she’s been in New York working and hasn’t been due back home for another two weeks.
“Ben told me what happened.” She walks toward me. “I took the first available flight back.”
“He might not wake up, Vikki. He may never wake up.” I start crying and she has tears running down her face.
Vikki lifts the cover off my bed and gets in. “Come on, you can be the little spoon.”
I get in and she just holds me.
“It’s not fair,” I say through my tears.
“You need to give him time. It’s only been one day,” she says in my ear.
“He looks nothing like himself anymore. His face… his face is so…”
“Hey, you need to sleep. Ben told me you haven’t slept at all and if you want to go back there tonight you have to sleep now.” She runs her fingers through my wet hair.
“You talk to Ben a lot, huh?” I tease to change the subject for just a second. She pinches my arm in return.
“Ouch!”
“We’re just friends.”
“Mhmmm.” I believe they’re just friends because she would have told me if something else was going on. But as much as I like Ben I know he’s not into relationships and I would kill him if he hurt Vikki in any way. “I’ll organize for someone to come fix the mirror thing. I’m so sorry. My mom sent me a text and… ugh.”
“Shhhh. Don’t worry about the stupid mirror. You have to rest. I’ll be here, go to sleep.”
That’s the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep.
DAY 3.
“I passed that hard level in Candy Crush.” God, if he can hear me I don’t think he wants to listen to this, but there’s nothing to say. I can’t tell him that I barely slept again and the few hours of sleep I did have consisted of having nightmares about his funeral. “You should have seen it. I had one move left and I did it!”
Think of something, you idiot.
THINK.
“Do you know what my favorite day in my entire life has been so far? When I spent Christmas with you.” I smile to myself just thinking about it. “Your whole family treated me like I belonged there even though they’d known me for less than two days. It made me realize what I’ve been missing out on all these years. Not just the Christmases or a big family but someone like you. Not even someone like you. Just you. I make up dreamy boys for a living yet I couldn’t even make up someone as perfect as you.”
I set up my recliner and get under the blanket. I make sure it’s close enough to be able to touch him but not interfere with all the tubes.
“When you wake up I’m going to tell you all this. You deserve to be told every single day how amazing you are. So you need to wake up because you can’t go without knowing how loved you are by everyone.”
I spend the rest of the night just holding his hand, hoping he will randomly tighten his fingers around mine.
His fingers never moved.
DAY 4.
“How are your parents holding up?” I put our coffees on the table. Ben and I have been rotating visits and I haven’t had a chance to speak to him since that day.
“As expected.” He shrugs.
“And you?” I ask, already knowing the answer. Ben has been really positive, constantly reassuring all of us that Dylan will be okay. I think it has gotten to the point where not even he believes that anymore.
“I’m fucked up. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t think. I’m scared that he won’t wake up.” He gulps. “I tried being positive and shit, but at this point I’m starting to prepare for the worst. Every day is passing by in slow motion. It’s as if he’s been gone for months. He’s my big brother. He has to wake up. I don’t know a world without Dylan.”
I don’t know how to respond to that.
* * *
I go in for my night stay at the hospital and see Vikki is standing on the corner of the door. She looks up at me and gives me a small wave. “I wasn’t sure when you were coming, but I got you some things.” She hands me a bag filled with food and magazines. I wrap my arms around her, probably too tight, but she doesn’t say anything.
“Susan and Roy just left, so I stayed until you arrived. Didn’t want Dylan to be alone. I don’t know if he’d know that nobody was around, so I stayed just in case he felt lonely.” She wipes a tear from her cheek.
“Want to stay for a while? I mean, I know it’s not the best place to hang out, but…”
Vikki knows exactly how to be there without being annoying.
“It’s fine, I’m sure Dylan will love listening to our girly chat.” She smiles.
For the next hour we flip through the magazines and eat the sandwiches she made. It was a nice small distraction from painfully trying to relive memories for Dylan for hours until Susan and Roy take over. After we say our goodbyes, I move my chair closer, get under the blankets, and hold his hand. I have nothing to say anymore. So many questions are running through my mind that I wish I asked and never did. Stupid questions. What’s his favorite color? How many kids does he want? How many pets has he had? I want to know more. I want to be with him longer.
This doesn’t feel finished.
This can’t be the end.
DAY 5.
“Hey, are you with me?” I hear Vikki’s voice. I slowly open my eyes and see her concerned face above mine. I can feel the cold tiles beneath my body and stupidly decide to sit up really quickly. “No, stay down a little longer. I put a cushion under your head and a cold cloth on your temple.” She touches my cheeks with the back of her hand.
“What happened?”
“You passed out. I got you just in time before your head hit the tiles. You are barely sleeping or eating. You need to take care of yourself too.” She gets up. “I’m going to order us a pizza, then I’ll help you get onto the couch and you won’t get off until you have eaten. Understood?” She points at me and frowns.
“Okay.”
* * *
I can hear Hallelujah playing through the speakers and look around the church. Everyone is in a somber mood, bloodshot eyes, dressed in black. I look next to me and my mom’s sitting between me and Ben. They’re both crying. “Where’s Dylan?” I whisper to Mom. She doesn’t respond to me. I can’t find Dylan. Why are we here? I can’t see the main part of the church because there are taller people blocking my view. I stand up and see a mahogany coffin covered with a big wreath made from red roses at the front of the stag. My eyes scan the rest of the stage and on the corner there’s a huge framed photo. Dylan’s senior photo.
“CHLOE!” I feel someone shake me. “Babe, wake up. It’s just a dream.”
I sit up so fast I get dizzy. I can feel tears streaming down my face. She sits next to me and pulls my head back toward her, placing her hand on my cheek.
“Shhhh it was just a dream.” She wipes my tears away.
“I can’t keep doing this. It hurts. It hurts when I’m awake and it hurts when I’m asleep.” My tears still run down my face.
“She ignored me.”
“Who did?”
“My mom. She ignored me in the dream when I asked her where Dylan was. She knew I was flying back because my boyfriend was in a car accident and in hospital. Do yo
u know how many times she called me to see if he’s okay or if I am okay? Zero times.”
“Your mom is a heartless bitch.”
“She’s all I have.”
“You have us. You have me and no matter what happens you’ll always have Ben and the boys. Susan and Roy love you too, so don’t ever think you’re alone.”
I nod. “Thank you. For everything.”
“You don’t need to thank me. Do you want me to call Ben and tell him you’re staying home tonight? You really need to rest.”
“No. I don’t know how much time I have to speak to him.”
“Go take a shower and I’ll drive you there after we eat.”
We both get up and I give her a big hug and go to get ready.
* * *
His swelling went down a little. He still looks nothing like himself, but he looks better. Either that or I’m so used to seeing him like this that it doesn’t shock me anymore.
“Hey.” I make myself comfortable in the chair. “You look better today, less like a puffer fish. Well, you still look like one, but now you look like a sexier puffer fish. I’d still love you if you looked like this all the time.” I see a nurse push the food trolley down the hall.
“I can’t wait until you see the hospital food! Remember our first date? When we went to that fancy place and they gave us the smallest cut of meat known to man? Well, that’s what it looks like, except it’s questionable green goo.” I laugh to myself. “I miss you talking back so much. Please wake up. Whatever you’ll have to go through when you wake up I’ll be right by your side.” I bend down and kiss his hand.
“I’ll learn how to cook more than just mac and cheese so you don’t have to make us dinner every night. I’ll even stop calling you Dill-Pickle forever. It’ll be really hard to do, but I’ll do it for you.”
“I miss you, Dylan.”
