Sam could only shake her head. What answer was there to the question? Regardless of what Marin had done, the way she had used not only Sam, but Tray, left her with no real answers. How could anyone use her own son in such a manner? It was horrific and painful. Still, in spite of everything, he was her brother. How could he not be when memories of what they had gone through together remained in her mind?
“I don’t know how he’ll react. Probably the same way I did.”
“I doubt that,” Elaine said. “You’ve been angry, which is understandable, but you have allowed yourself to keep a measured response. When he learns the way his mother used him—and you, the person he believes is his sister—do you think he’ll remain calm?”
Sam considered her mother for a moment, before realizing Elaine wasn’t at all worried about the information Tray would receive—or about his reaction. It was something else. “You’re concerned because he’s part Theln, aren’t you?”
Elaine’s gaze went distant for a moment before returning to meet Sam’s. “Should I not be worried?”
“If Marin is a Kaver and Tray is part Theln, what will that combination mean for him?”
“I don’t know. I suspect that’s part of the reason she’s kept him here, keeping him close—protected—so the Thelns can’t get to him. They would be interested in that combination as well. Gaining that understanding would likely lead to much heartache for the Kavers and Scribes.”
“Why not bring him to the palace? With the princess—”
“We don’t know what he is capable of. We don’t know what he might do. And until we find him, we won’t know.”
Had they been looking for Tray? Sam thought only she had been. “Capable of? He’s my brother.”
“No. He is not. He’s Marin’s son, not your brother.”
Sam turned away, gripping her canal staff tightly in her hand. What could she say that would convince Elaine that Tray would do the right thing? Probably nothing, she decided. Elaine had already made up her mind about Tray. Which meant that the princess had already made up her mind, too. Did that put Trayson in danger? She hoped it didn’t, but they hadn’t allowed her to get close enough, to learn enough about their plans, to understand exactly how Trayson might factor in. Somehow, she had to believe that he did.
“Now, it’s time to continue. Do you think you’re ready to focus again?”
Sam slammed her canal staff into the earth, the frustration rising within her different from before. She was ready, and she was determined to figure this out, partly so that she could learn the skills that, as a Kaver, she was born to, but partly so that she could keep Marin from hurting her if she came across her again—and so that she could get answers.
Sam spun the staff and stepped back, ready to face Elaine. She tipped her head in a quick nod and barely had time to react when Elaine swung her staff.
2
Therapy
“I know that you have a friend within the university. You could speak to him.”
Sam looked up at the master physicker. She was an older woman, heavy-set with thick jowls, but she had kind eyes and looked at Sam in a way that few physickers had done. She was one of several from the university that the princess had brought in to try to heal Sam. She carried with her a stack of books that she’d set on the table in the small sitting room the princess had agreed they could use. So far, all of their attempts to help restore her memories had failed. They had no idea what Marin had done, or how she had used particular augmentations to block Sam from remembering her family.
Sam had wondered if that was the reason Elaine had been so distant with her. Was she upset that Sam didn’t remember her at all? Memories of her mother were faint, little more than snippets of happy times, but Sam wondered if those were even to be believed. Maybe whatever Marin had done had permanently damaged her and had permanently taken away any hope that Sam had of remembering her family.
“He is… new to the university,” Sam said.
She looked down at her hands, wishing she had a knife or her canal staff or something to keep her from feeling so helpless. But who did she need protection from? It was a strange sensation to be stuck in this room. She had to believe she was safe, but was she? Did she trust her mother? The princess? They seemed to be acting in her best interest, trying to help her restore memories of a life she hadn’t known. But she felt like she didn’t belong, that she hadn’t earned this. It was a hard transition for her to go from believing herself lowborn to thinking that she might be something more. But isn’t that what she’d always wanted? More? It had been hard enough learning that she was a Kaver and that Alec could be her Scribe.
“I see,” the physicker said, nodding to herself.
Sam didn’t want to tell the woman that Alec might know just as much as many of the master physickers. She had seen several times the way he had demonstrated his knowledge. And had seen him recognize symptoms and diagnose conditions that she doubted even the masters at the university would have done as quickly. Then again, Sam was biased.
She looked around the room. It was nothing more than a sitting room. There were several plush chairs covered in brightly colored fabrics, with the ornately carved armrests that were so typical in the palace. There were paintings along the walls, most with the look of significant skill to the technique. Bastan might be better able to assess how well-made they were, but that would mean revealing to him what she’d been through. Eventually, she knew she would have to. He deserved that much from her since he had helped her more than she had ever realized.
“From what I understand, there’s a belief that your potential is locked within you by what was done to you.”
Sam nodded. Elaine had alluded to that fact, but she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Could she have her Kaver abilities restricted in some way? She and Alec had managed to perform augmentations, but it was apparently possible that she was capable of much more, especially after what she saw of Elaine.
“Today, I’m going to try a different strategy.”
Sam turned her attention back to the physicker. “Not medicines today?”
The woman shook her head. “Medicines have failed us. Whatever was done to you will not respond to any of the typical medicinal treatments that I know.”
That had been the only question Sam had asked Alec. He had known of nothing that would reverse what had happened to her and hadn’t any idea of how to restore her memories. If he had, she felt certain that he would have attempted it.
She kept expecting Elaine and the princess to attempt an augmentation to reverse it, but neither of them had made that suggestion. Either they didn’t believe they would be successful or they didn’t have the necessary knowledge to reverse what Marin had done.
As much as Sam might want Alec to experiment with augmentations, performing one that would affect her memories and possibly change her way of thinking bothered her. She didn’t think she could do that, though she might want to.
“If not medicines, what are you going to do?”
The physicker scooted forward in her chair, shifting so that she tottered on the edge. With her weight, she practically crushed the chair. An image of it collapsing beneath her weight flashed through Sam’s mind, and she had to suppress a smile. It would do her no good to upset the physicker assigned to work with her, the physicker to whom both Elaine and the princess felt comfortable enough to reveal what had happened to her. Sam needed to regain those memories, but she wondered whether anything would change if she did.
“We’re going to talk.”
“Talk?”
The physicker nodded. “There is a strategy that I have read about,” she said, passing one of the books on the table next to her. “It’s not one that I had been familiar with before, but I think it would be applicable with what you’ve been through.”
Sam shrugged. Anything was worth trying at this point. Maybe if the physicker could help her regain her memories, it would unlock something within her that would allow her to use her ab
ilities in the way they expected of her.
“What can you tell me about your past?” the physicker said.
“We’ve been through this before.”
“We have, but not this way.”
Sam held her gaze and noted a hard intensity there. What was the woman doing with her today?
“I don’t remember much of my past,” Sam said.
“Tell me what you do remember.”
Sam tried to think back, working through what she remembered, but all of her memories seemed fairly recent. That had never troubled her before, but it should have. She was nearly eighteen, and most of her memories were of the last eight years. Why hadn’t that struck her as odd?
Though had she thought about it, she would have thought it was related to losing her mother and thinking that the trauma of that time had kept her from remembering it.
“I remember… Bastan.”
“Bastan?”
Sam nodded. “He’s a tavern owner. He allowed Trayson and me to stay with him. He gave me safety and asked that I do some odd jobs for him.”
That seemed as open an explanation as to Bastan’s work as she was willing to give. She wasn’t about to bring him to the attention of the palace.
The physicker had pulled out a slim journal and smoothed it open on her lap. She jotted down notes on the page. Sam smiled to herself, thinking of how Alec did the same. He claimed it was the expectation of his father, but in reality, Sam suspected that his documentation of symptoms had helped hone his mind.
“This man, Bastan, is one of your earliest memories?” The physicker leaned forward, tapping the feathered end of her quill pen against her lips. With each tap, her jowls jiggled slightly, forcing Sam to suppress a smile as she watched.
“He’s one of the first,” Sam said.
She didn’t know if he was only one of the first, or if he was her first memory. Bastan had been a part of all of her memories, always seemingly there, watching over her. Using her. He could be hard, but then again, many in Caster were hard, and Bastan was no harder than any others.
“I remember him taking me in and giving me a room to stay in.”
She frowned with the memory. Maybe that was the first memory she had. Bastan had been intimidating then, but in spite of his intimidation, she hadn’t feared him. Maybe because he had laughed easily. He’d jump to anger almost as easily, but often had reasons for that. He had a difficult position, one that required him to maintain control so that others didn’t attempt to usurp him.
It was that way throughout much of Caster. Power was held until it was not. Often, it was best that he be the one to hold it, mostly because he had never abused his power, at least not that Sam had ever seen.
“Why do you think he took you in?”
Sam shrugged. She had asked Bastan that at one point, and he had answered that he felt sorry for her. And then she became useful to him.
“Several reasons, but probably mostly because he thought he could get cheap labor.”
“Cheap labor? You would have been a child. From what the princess and Elaine say, you would have been no more than eight or nine.”
“I think I was ten,” Sam said.
The physicker nodded. “Still young. At that age, you wouldn’t even be allowed an apprenticeship yet.”
Sam stared at her, thinking that she’d made a joke, and started laughing. The physicker frowned back at her, and Sam realized that it hadn’t been a joke.
“How much time have you spent in Caster?” The wide-eyed look of horror answered that more quickly than the physicker could have spoken her response. “That’s what I thought. Things are different in Caster.”
“Things are much the same throughout the city,” the physicker said.
“Are they? In Caster, I don’t think we necessarily have the same form of apprenticeships as are found in other sections. Employment regulations aren’t nearly so enforced.”
“And you didn’t have a problem with this?”
Sam laughed and leaned back in her chair. It really was a comfortable chair. She should be thankful that the princess gave her such a nice place to work with the physicker. She could have forced her to go to the university and suffer through this assessment in one of their more sterile environments. Alec had told her all about the types of rooms that were used there. Sam didn’t think there would be anything therapeutic about that.
“I didn’t have much of a choice, did I?”
“No choice? You could have demanded that he follow the rules set forth by the king.”
In her time within the palace, Sam had yet to come across the king. She had met the princess several times, but the king had remained something of a mystery, as did the queen.
“Had I forced him to follow the regulations of the king, I would have been kicked out of the tavern and forced to sleep on the streets.”
“Children never have to sleep on the streets. Not in the city.”
“The alternative isn’t any better. Children may not have to sleep on the streets, but the orphanages aren’t kind to children. It’s actually been a blessing that I never had to end up in one.” Sam thought of the people that she’d known who had spent time in orphanages. Most were traumatized in some way, and at least Sam hadn’t had experiences quite like that. Bastan allowing her to stay truly had been a blessing, though she did wonder why he had been so willing to allow a ten-year-old girl and her supposed brother to stay with him. She might have been inexpensive labor, but Bastan didn’t struggle with finding cheap labor.
Maybe there was more to it than what she had known. When she had free time, she needed to go to Bastan and see what memories he had of those first days when she’d come to him.
“Let’s simply agree that we have differing viewpoints,” the physicker said.
Sam shrugged. “Fine. Differing viewpoints, it is.”
“What other memories do you have?”
“Most of the memories I have are tied to events, rather than people or feelings. I remember slipping near the canal at one point, terrified that I would fall in.”
“Terrified? Why would you be terrified of the canal?”
“Have you ever swum in the canals?”
“I have not.”
Sam grinned. “Well I have. It is… not pleasant.”
“It’s only water. Why is it not pleasant?” The physicker asked.
“Water with damn eels swimming in it. You know those eels are thirsty for blood.” She shuddered at the thought. Feeling the eels in the water had unnerved her. She’d already had a close call and wasn’t willing to risk it again. She remembered all too well how they had swum near her, far too close for her comfort level.
The physicker only shook her head. “The eels are little more than a legend.”
“Legend? I felt one swimming alongside me. The damn thing wanted to get my blood.”
The physicker frowned. “Honestly, I’ve heard some people believe there are eels throughout the canals, but they have never been seen. Perhaps what you experienced was something else.”
Sam shivered at the thought that there might be something else like the eels in the canal. There were fish, of course. Enough men stood along the canals with their long, bamboo rods hanging in the water that she knew there had to be fish, but what fish was as large as the thing that had swum alongside her?
Nothing but a nightmare.
“When did you fall into the canal?” the physicker asked.
“I was traveling between sections of the city. I slipped—”
“Slipped? As in you slipped off one of the bridges and into the canal?”
Sam met the woman’s gaze. “There are other ways of crossing the canals.”
“That is forbidden. Crossing by jumping over has been outlawed by the throne.”
“When you live in Caster, you don’t have the same respect for the throne.”
The physicker pursed her lips together, tapping the feather quill against the side of her cheek as she considered Sam for long
moments. “And now you reside in the palace. You have led quite the interesting life in your brief years.”
“Interesting. Dangerous. I suppose all describe me equally well.”
“Yes. Equally well, and likely why the princess has asked me to help understand you.”
“I thought the intent was for me to regain my memories.”
The physicker nodded. “You are to regain your memories, but to do so, I must understand you first. I think there is much about what you’ve been through that we need to talk through.”
“Will talking through it help me understand what happened to me?”
“It is not uncommon for trauma to suppress memories. It certainly seems as if you have experienced significant trauma.”
“I thought the only real trauma I had experienced was losing my mother. I remember that she had been a part of my life, and then knowing that she was not.”
“Yes. Your mother. You speak only of her, but you have not yet told me anything about your father.”
“What’s to say?” Sam asked with a shrug. “I don’t have any memories of my father. I was told he died when I was young.”
“And you trust the memory of being told this?”
Sam frowned. Should she trust that memory any more than the others? Was that why Elaine seemed annoyed with her most of the time? Was she angry that Sam had not gone in search of her father?
But Sam remembered being told when she was no more than five years old—and believed—that her father had died when she was very young. Marin couldn’t have implanted that memory as well, could she?
“I see that you don’t know. Perhaps we should meet again in a few days and see if you’ve been able to recall anything else.”
As the physicker stood, Sam could only nod. Why couldn’t she remember her father? Why couldn’t she remember anything else?
Her frustration was enough to push her to the edge of sanity.
She needed to find Elaine and ask those questions. Maybe her mother would be able to give Sam more background that might help her remember the person she had been and the person she was supposed to be. If she didn’t, there was another way she could find those answers, but it involved learning where Marin had gone.
The Book of Maladies Boxset Page 53
