by M. Katherton
Friday, March 1st, 2019
Ryan and I went to the bowling alley again, solidifying it as our Friday night tradition. This time I ate before we went and packed a few granola bars in my purse for Ryan to decrease the chances of another awkward snack bar encounter with Emelia. Tonight, Strike After Strike was facing Bowling For Vegetable Soup head-on. I didn’t know much about bowling but figured my dad’s team and Garen’s team were evenly matched from what I had seen the past few weeks. Hopefully that even if Garen’s team won, my dad wouldn’t insist that I could never see Ryan again like some Romeo and Juliet scenario.
However, Bowling for Vegetable Soup’s ace Charlie was sick with the flu this week so Garen asked Ryan to bowl. Ryan was hesitant at first, claiming he was rusty and didn’t want to embarrass himself, but when Garen informed him they would otherwise have to forfeit, Ryan gave in. He got two gutter balls in the first frame and it was the first time I had ever seen him get flustered. He kicked a nearby empty cup on the ground and wouldn’t even look back at me though I had done more embarrassing things in front of him like crying the very first time we hung out.
Strike After Strike won the match. Garen was pissed and sloppy drunk by the end so Ryan asked if I could catch a ride with my dad instead. The thought of my dad dropping me off at home where Mom could potentially look out the window and see him terrified me, but I figured it was still a safer option than riding in the car with drunk, angry Garen.
“So next weekend is my birthday. We’re having a family party at the house and I’d love for you to come. Caroline’s been begging to meet you. And my parents and my brother and his family will be there. I really want you to come but only if you want to.” My dad invited as he accelerated down Rainey street, following his phone navigation to my house.
“Yeah, definitely. I’ll tell Mom I’m busy so she won’t ask me to babysit that day.” I agreed though the thought of going to a party where everyone else knew each other except me was anxiety-provoking. However, I had waited over seventeen years to meet the other half of my family and it was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.
“Does she still not know we're talking?”
I shook my head no. “She hasn’t changed much since you knew her. Still has a temper, still overreacts, still wants her way.”
He nodded understandingly. “Are you ever gonna tell her?”
“Probably not.” I admitted, though I didn’t know if I could keep the secret for eternity. "If I told her, she'd probably kick me out of the house."
“I’m guessing her reviews of me aren’t exactly glowing.”
I shook my head, hoping he wouldn’t ask me to elaborate. He didn’t.
“I guess I don’t blame her. I did some shitty things back in the day.”
Though I was curious to hear his side of the story about telling her to get an abortion, I figured a moving car wasn’t the best place to have that conversation. I had wondered a few times what life would be like if my mom and dad had been able to make it work and stay together. However, now that I knew my dad, I just couldn’t picture them together. My dad was the type to tell things exactly how they were whereas Mom needed someone more like Ross who mellowed her out instead of challenging her.
Getting uncomfortable at mention of my mom, I changed the subject to ask my dad about Caroline and Taylor, which he happily talked about the rest of the drive. When we reached my cul-de-sac, I asked him to let me out at the end of the street, not wanting to risk Mom looking out the window and seeing her ex-flame in our driveway.
“Goodbye, Jess.” He said, leaning over the console to hug me. “Is it okay if I call you Jess?”
I nodded. “Is it okay if I call you Dad?”
He nodded, the edges of his mouth curling up. Taylor was too young to speak yet, probably making me the first person to ever call him Dad.
“Bye, Dad! I’ll see you next weekend!”
He sat at the end of the street to make sure I got to my house safely like any protective dad would do. I had a dad. I could call him Dad. This didn’t seem like a big deal to most people who know both of their biological parents from the very beginning, but I was over the moon. I had a dad.
Monday, March 4th, 2019
Ryan texted me early in the morning that he was sick and wasn't coming to school today, leaving me to fend for myself at lunchtime. I didn’t want to risk running into Kendra in the cafeteria, so I sat alone in my car in the school parking lot eating granola bars and listening to the radio. Students weren’t technically allowed to leave campus for lunch and whether we were allowed to sit in the parking lot or not was a gray area. Our school only had two security guards, both of which were usually posted in the cafeteria at lunch time to prevent fights and couples making out, so sneaking off campus was easy. I watched several students get into cars and drive away before I noticed Emelia and two of her cheer teammates, Hannah Jefferson and Karli Martin head for Hannah’s lime green jeep that I had heard her parents bought her brand new for her sixteenth birthday last summer.
I didn’t think anyone would notice me sitting in my car a row back, but Emelia must have caught me staring at them because she said something to her friends then ambled in the direction of my car. I didn’t know what she wanted but reluctantly rolled down the window when she approached.
“You aren’t going to tattle on us, right?” She asked, tossing her highlighted light brown hair over her right shoulder.
“No.” I answered quickly. “Just admiring Hannah’s jeep.”
She rolled her crystal blue eyes, the same ones she had let me experiment with makeup on in sixth grade and the same ones she cried with when we stayed up watching Marley and Me the summer before high school, our final summer of friendship. I expected Emelia to walk off to join her friends, figuring she thought her coolness decreased each second she stood in spitting distance of me but instead she asked,
“What happened with you and that theatre girl? Kennedy?”
“Kendra.” I corrected as if my more recent ex-best friend deserved my defense. “We kinda went in separate ways I guess.”
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
“Sick.”
She looked down at her feet then back at the jeep where Hannah and Karli waited. “Well, if you have nothing better to do, do you wanna come with us? We’re going to Burger King.”
While I had always favored McDonald’s, Emelia loved Burger King. My family didn’t eat Burger King often so the last time I had been was a few weeks before our falling out. Her mom Barbara picked us up from school and took us to grab a bite to eat before she drove us to the public library to meet up with a few other kids for a group project. When I ate my whopper that day, I never imagined that two years would pass without me eating another or that Emelia and I would fall out for good just weeks later. Despite the years, it felt like just yesterday that I had chewed her out over the phone for cancelling on me on my birthday and that she accused me of being selfish and jealous. Though time had scabbed over the wounds, I didn’t think the hurt would ever completely go away.
“Oh…um. I don’t have any money.” I stuttered, surprised by her invitation and not having time to formulate a better excuse. Perhaps it was some set up for her and her friends to torture me. Maybe they would throw soda at me then record it and share it all over social media or they would leave me there and I wouldn't have a ride back to school. I didn’t know why Emelia would have a sudden change of heart about me after two years of pretending I didn’t exist. Two years ago, I would have been so desperate for her forgiveness that I would have gone, not worried about any ulterior motives. I knew better now.
“Alright. See you later I guess.” She accepted though I knew she didn’t believe me, flipped her hair over her shoulder once again and pranced off for Hannah’s jeep, already running. She knew me long enough to know my mom gave me a weekly allowance for helping out around the house and babysitting my siblings. She didn’t call me out or argue though. She climbed into Hannah’s jeep and it sped o
ut of the parking lot.
Saturday, March 9th, 2019
Mom and Ross went to Ross’ parents’ house for the day with Macy and Spencer so I had the house to myself as I prepared to go over to my dad’s house for the first time. He hadn’t mentioned whether his birthday party was casual or formal so I settled for a black sundress with a maroon cardigan over top that could go either way. I didn’t know if there would be a meal or just party snacks but I was too nervous to eat beforehand regardless. What if my dad’s family didn’t like me? What if they hated my mom and wanted nothing to do with me by association? Maybe they hadn’t even known that my dad knocked up my mom in high school and now I was this seventeen-year-old skeleton tumbling out of the closet.
A little after one o’clock, I pulled up in front of a red brick one story house on Flower Brook Lane. I checked the address once more to ensure I was at the right place despite all the cars out front hinting something was going on. I took a few deep breaths before getting out. I could drive off right now and text my dad with a bullshit excuse about how I wasn’t feeling well or that something came up and I had to babysit. However, I waited my whole life to meet my dad’s side of the family and couldn’t put it off anymore.
A round faced woman with short blonde hair that I presumed to be Caroline opened the door, balancing Taylor on her hip. I feared maybe Dad hadn’t told her I was coming and she would think I was some random girl selling overpriced candles for a school fundraiser or wanting to talk to her about religion. Instead, she gave me a warm smile and exclaimed, “hi! You must be Jessica!”
I nodded shyly and she shook my hand and introduced herself. I followed her inside through an entryway full of wedding pictures mounted on the wall of her and dad and western themed décor of cacti, cowboy boots, and a sign that said “Howdy, y’all!”. Dad sat on the brown leather couch wearing a football jersey and drinking a beer.
“Jess!” He greeted when I approached and got up to hug me. Though everyone else was engaged in their own conversations, I could feel the attention of the room shift to me. Dad put an arm around my shoulder and announced, “Hey everybody! I’d like you all to meet my daughter Jessica!”
The room echoed with a chorus of greetings. They all at least pretended to be happy to see me. Dad went around the room and pointed to each person, telling me their name and how I was related to them though it would take me awhile to remember it all. My dad’s parents approached me first, my paternal grandparents. They seemed similar in age to my mom’s parents though they were dressed more formally.
“James wasn’t kidding. You are a mini-Vanessa. I feel like I’ve gone back in time.” My grandfather claimed, then introduced himself as Keith and his wife as Cheryl. I didn’t know if the mini-Vanessa comment was meant to be a compliment, but I smiled and nodded, not sure what I was supposed to say to the grandparents I had gone over seventeen years without knowing.
“It’s very nice to finally meet you.” My grandmother chimed in, trying to buffer Keith’s uncertainty. “James is so excited you’ve been in contact. We’ve wondered about you a lot throughout the years.”
I wondered if they resented my mom for keeping me from them. Maybe she and my dad had issues, but I could have grown up with two loving families had she let me. The past was the past and I couldn’t change it but I’d lost over seventeen years with my dad’s family because of my mom's stubbornness.
We did the usual small talk about school and my plans for after high school and they even asked how my mom was. Afterwards, I got to talk to my uncle Joshua for a little while. Joshua was Dad's older brother and looked a lot like him, just taller and thinner. He introduced me to his wife Sarah and their three children: fourteen-year-old Averie, eleven-year-old Maddy, and eight-year-old Logan. Averie seemed a little skeptical of me, possibly feeling apprehensive about not being the oldest grandchild anymore or maybe just victim to an awkward middle school stage. However, Maddy warmed up to me right away.
“Want to see the cake I made?!” She asked, then grabbed my arm and led me to the kitchen before I could even respond. It was a layered red velvet cheesecake that looked way too professional to be made by an eleven-year-old.
“Wow, you made that all by yourself?”
“Well, I helped my grandma make it.” She confessed, then picked up a pink Polaroid camera off the kitchen counter. “This is my camera. I saved up for it for a really long time. Do you want me to take a picture of you?”
“Oh…um…” I hesitated, not prepared for glamor shots but not wanting to disappoint Maddy. Her exuberant nature reminded me of Spencer and I hoped that he would still be this excitable when he was eleven.
“You guys trying sneak a piece of cake?” My dad joked, coming in the kitchen possibly to check on me.
“Let me take a picture of you guys.” Maddy insisted, clearly very eager to show off her photography skills to me. Dad obliged, standing beside me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. Maddy snapped the photo then printed it out and handed it to me. We looked like we had known each other my whole life, happy and loving. I never thought my first picture with my dad would be taken on an eleven-year-old’s Polaroid camera but it was perfect. It could never go on social media or on my bulletin board where Mom would see it but I would treasure it forever.
I had a good time at the birthday party. The red velvet cheesecake was definitely worthy of the bragging Maddy had done about it. Though meeting my relatives for the first time was a little awkward, everybody was nice and welcoming. I thought Caroline might be unsure about me as I was the offspring of her husband and another woman but she was sweet and welcoming and even encouraged me to come on the family beach vacation in July. I doubted I would as I didn’t think Mom would buy whatever excuse I fed her about being gone for a whole week but the gesture was nice. Having another family was exciting. I hoped Dad would continue inviting me to things so I could get to know them better and eventually feel like I belonged.
Monday, March 11th, 2019
Ross took a few days off at the beginning of spring break to take Macy and Spencer camping. I was invited but politely declined, looking forward to having the house to myself for a few days since Mom had scheduled a full week of real estate showings and meetings, taking advantage of Ross being able to look after Macy and Spencer. Ryan had a flight to Maryland on Tuesday to visit his mom so I invited him over on Monday while Mom was at work.
We watched Paranormal Activity on the couch for a while but the farther we got into the movie, the more handsy he got. When I asked if he wanted to go upstairs, he grinned and pulled a blue wrapped condom out of his pocket. I took him up to my room, somewhere he hadn’t visited the last time he came over.
“Wow. It’s very…purple.” He commented, referring to the purple painted walls, bedspread, and décor. In sixth and seventh grade, I was obsessed with purple and begged Mom to paint and redecorate my entire room purple for my thirteenth birthday. She reluctantly agreed and it hadn’t been updated since.
We climbed into my twin bed, a tighter fit for the two of us than his full-size bed had been. He straddled me and kissed me repeatedly until eventually all our clothes were on the floor. He then carefully rolled the condom over his proudly erect penis, not appearing nervous at all.
“Do you wanna be on top? I’m afraid I’ll crush you otherwise.”
I nodded and we shifted around the bed. As I stood on my hands and knees over him, he slowly slid it inside me. It was finally happening.
Ryan left around three to pack for his trip, leaving me alone in the house to drown in my thoughts about what had just happened. I felt like a giddy child ecstatic about summer on the last day of school. If this had happened weeks earlier, I might have texted Kendra about it. She would have wanted to know every detail, despite how invasive. That was out of the question now though. Maybe had I gone to lunch with Emelia the other day, we might have reconciled our friendship and I could have called her to dish about my first time. She likely had hers already considering she spen
t a good portion of last year dating Ian Haley. We could have swapped stories. Though after choosing not to go to lunch, permitting her invitation was sincere, I had probably blown any chance of us ever being friends again. Right now, Ryan was my only friend which was fine except for when I wanted to tell someone all about losing my virginity.
Mom got home from work around seven, exhausted per usual. She set her stuff down and flopped on the couch beside me, landing next to my bag of popcorn.
"Tired?” I questioned as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious.
She nodded as she yawned to give me even more proof. “Did you have dinner? Besides popcorn?” When I told her I hadn’t, I thought she might reprimand me for not being able to properly feed myself but instead she insisted we order a pizza because she was starving.
The pizza arrived about half an hour later: half pepperoni for her, half cheese for me. Mom went into the kitchen and returned with napkins and two glasses of red wine. After her own reckless teenage years, she had never condoned me drinking in the past, worried I would follow in her iffy footsteps.
“Really?” I questioned, fearing it was a trap.
She nodded. “I think you’re old enough now. Just for tonight. Since your siblings aren’t around.”
I didn’t know what it was but something about her affirmation that she now considered me mature enough to have a glass of wine made me blurt out, “Ryan and I had sex today!”
Mom froze in place but I wasn’t sure if it was shock about the act itself or that I openly admitted it.
“We used a condom!” I added quickly, my face flushing with embarrassment.
