by M. Katherton
“Jessica,” Dad interrupted. “What’s going on?”
“Mom found out!” I blurted out, followed by more heavy sobbing.
“Found out that we’re in contact?”
“Yeah.”
“Shit.” He cursed, probably understanding how problematic my mother could be.
“She freaked out on me and Ross and then she left and hasn’t come back.”
“I’m sorry, Jessica. That’s rough.”
“I just…I don’t know if we should keep talking!” I spit out. “I want to but I just feel so bad. She said I betrayed her and I just…I don’t know. I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me.”
I expected him to say that he understood and that it was okay but instead he replied, “but you’re almost an adult. You can make your own choices. I don’t know why she thinks she can keep you from me! You’re my daughter too!”
“I don’t know what to do!”
“I think your mother needs to get over herself!” He retorted, finally pulling out the angry side that Mom had always highlighted about him. “She’s just as immature as she was in high school! Doesn’t see anyone else’s point of view, only thinks of herself, typical Vanessa.”
“Don’t say that about her!” I defended despite how much she had hurt me on Friday. He didn’t have to like my mother but I wasn’t going to let him talk about her like that in front of me. “At least she wanted to keep me and didn’t get an abortion like you wanted her to!”
I thought he might fess up and try to justify it but he didn’t. Instead, he growled, “is that what she told you?! Always trying to make me look bad. That woman, I swear.”
“Then what really happened?!” I challenged, figuring he would stumble to make up some excuse for him and Mom breaking up and her kicking him out of our lives.
“I didn’t tell her to get an abortion! I told her I wasn’t ready to be a parent and she took it to mean that! I never told her to get an abortion! It wasn’t that I didn’t want you, I just wasn’t ready! You’re seventeen! Are you ready to be a parent right now?!”
“No.” I answered honestly, absorbing Dad’s side of the story. I doubted I would ever get an objective truth about what really happened in spring 2001. I didn’t know who or what to believe but I couldn’t judge either of them based on each other’s stories. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He exhaled. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have gotten upset with you…and said those things about your mom.”
“It’s okay.”
“So what’s next? What are we gonna do?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “Maybe we could just put things on hold for a while. Until I get things worked out with my mom.”
“Okay. I understand but I’m always here if you need anything, okay? If you need a place to stay, we have a guest room and you’re always welcome. Don’t let her make you feel bad, Jess. She and I have a history but it’s not fair of us to project that onto you.”
“Okay.”
As if on cue, I looked out my bedroom window to see Mom’s black SUV pulling into the driveway. I knew she would be back but maybe she was just here to get her stuff then take off again. Regardless, I needed to get off the phone with my dad. If she overheard me talking to him, the shitstorm would amplify.
“She just pulled into the driveway. I have to go.”
“Alright. Take care, Jess. I love you.”
It was the first time he’d explicitly told me he loved me, which broke my heart even further.
“I love you too, Dad. Talk to you soon.”
Monday, March 25th, 2019
I spilled my guts to Ryan at lunch on Monday and told him everything that had happened since Friday night. It was the first time I was able to tell the story without crying and I wanted to believe I was healing from it but instead I figured I had grown numb to it. Nothing had been solved. Mom still wouldn’t speak to me and I noticed the guestroom bed unmade this morning, hinting that she had slept in there instead of in the master bedroom with Ross. Things were far from okay but I figured her coming back home was a step in the right direction.
“So does this mean no more Friday night bowling dates?” Ryan asked after I mentioned my relationship with my dad being on hiatus.
“For now. But maybe we could do other things on Friday night.”
Ryan grinned at my idea, probably more interested in that than sitting at the bowling alley watching his brother and my dad. In the short time we’d known each other, he’d seen the rise and fall of getting to know my dad and all the emotions that encompassed. Sometimes I feared all the drama in my life would eventually scare him away but Ryan was so mellow and unaffected by chaos.
When I took my assigned seat in the back row of Mr. Clark’s history class, Charlie Davis, the shaggy haired boy that sat in front of me turned around. Charlie regularly asked to copy my homework despite that I turned him down every time. Mr. Clark hadn’t assigned anything over the weekend and I didn’t know why else Charlie wanted to speak to me as we usually didn’t chat outside of homework.
“Yo, you been smoking weed?” He asked in a hushed tone, glancing from side to side likely to make sure conservative Mr. Clark wasn’t standing behind him.
“What?” I asked, more confused than offended. I had never even seen marijuana in person. I knew plenty of kids in our school smoked but I didn’t know why Charlie thought I was one of them.
“Your eyes are bright red.” He clarified, then held his fingers up to his mouth to mimic a joint. “Were you smoking at lunch?”
“No.” I answered quickly. “I wasn’t. I was crying all weekend.”
My confession turned Charlie’s suspicious grin into a look of utter horror, probably fearing he had crossed a line. While I generally I didn’t share my life story with random classmates, I didn’t care that he knew I had cried all weekend.
“Shit. I’m sorry.” He muttered, nervously running his fingers through his dark curly hair. I expected him to turn around or even switch topics and ask if we had any homework but instead he asked, “was it your boyfriend? My brother has a jeep. I can mow him over if he did something to you.”
I chuckled, completely caught off guard but flattered that someone that was no more than a classmate to me was willing to run Ryan over if he had hurt me. “No, it wasn’t my boyfriend. Just family drama I guess.”
“I feel ya, man. Hang in there.” He told me then turned back around as Mr. Clark took the front of the room and started writing his lesson plans on the board. I didn’t know much about Charlie as I had only met him this year but I had heard him mention a stepdad before, suggesting he didn’t have the picture perfect American family either.
I glanced around the classroom as some students sat patiently waiting for the lesson to start, notebooks out and open on their desks. Others chatted with their neighbors or texted underneath their desks. I wondered what burdens other people in this room carried that I had no idea about. I looked across at Janine Summerland, blonde and beautiful, always happy, though I knew that her sister drowned in the lake a few summers ago at only age six. She was in Macy's grade so it hit close to home for Mom, who abruptly forced Macy into swimming lessons a week later.
Then there was Brenden Catell who sat three chairs in front of me and had tried to commit suicide in the boys’ locker room in middle school after getting pantsed in PE class. A video of the pantsing got shared around social media, resulting in a plethora of anti-bullying assemblies and alternative school for the boy who pantsed him and the boy who filmed and posted the video. We all had our stories. Mine was just a drop in the bucket compared to Janine and Brenden and probably others in this room that carried an invisible burden. At least I had a mom and dad. At least I had my siblings. Everyone else's pain didn't make mine any less real though.
Tuesday, March 26th, 2019
Mom acted like Ross and I didn’t exist. She spent her evenings watching Macy at dance rehearsal and stopped
making dinner for the family. Ross took a hands-off approach to dealing with her by giving her the space she needed and assumed she would come to him when she was ready. Mom was stubborn though. She would hold out for Ross to realize he was wrong and apologize. They could be waiting each other out for eternity.
Ross ordered pizza for us that night while Mom and Macy were at dance. Spencer, seemingly unaffected by the rift between his parents, babbled on about first grade life. Ross and I listened intently as he told us all about how Brian in his class got sent to the principal’s office for getting gum stuck in Abby’s hair. Ross then asked me about my day, which was nowhere near as dramatic as Spencer’s gum story, so I gave a simple “good” which he thankfully accepted.
I went upstairs to shower after dinner but when I got out, I heard Mom and Ross talking downstairs. By their tones it was clear that they weren’t making amends but instead perpetuating their disagreement. I ducked behind the decorative plant on the landing of the staircase to listen in.
“How long is this going to go on, Vanessa?! You can’t just go on forever like Jessica and I don’t exist! That doesn’t solve anything!” Ross argued. He rarely got heated but whenever he did, he was scary.
“I don’t understand why you’re taking this so lightly! I don’t know how you can even stand to look at her! After she chose some other man to be her father over you!”
“She didn’t choose him over me!” Ross defended. “She told me she was in contact with her dad! I was fine with it! She deserves to know him! What if one day she needs his medical history or an organ donor or something?! She shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences for your teenage recklessness! You were the one who chose to have unprotected sex with him! Jessica didn’t ask for him to be her father! That was all you, Vanessa!”
He stunned Mom silent. I wished I could see her face. For a split second I thought maybe she had realized Ross had a point and would apologize for being so upset, but she quickly disproved that hope.
“Wait! You knew?! You knew she was in contact with James and you didn’t tell me?!”
“Because I knew you would act like this!” He justified. “And that’s why Jessica didn’t tell you! She knew you would lose your shit!”
“I can’t believe you!” She shouted, her voice cracking on the last word, revealing the hurt she felt. Not only had I betrayed her but now Ross had too.
“Vanessa…” Ross stated calmly, transforming back to into his normal easygoing self.
“Don’t touch me!” She retorted. I figured Ross had tried to put a hand on her shoulder, his go-to comforting gesture. “I can’t even look at you! You’re supposed to be on my team!”
I then heard loud footsteps before a door slammed downstairs. I quickly ran back to my room, nearly colliding with Macy on the way there.
“What happened?” She whimpered, blue eyes full of tears.
I put my arm around her shoulder and guided her into my bedroom, not wanting Mom or Ross to see her cry. She collapsed on my purple bedspread and I sat beside her, rubbing her back as she sobbed her heart out. She had been so brave the other night after the initial fight but it finally hit her. Macy was the kind to hold everything in then explode at random times so seeing her completely break down was rare.
“When are they gonna stop fighting?”
“I don’t know, May.” I answered honestly.
“Are they gonna break up?”
“I don’t know. I hope not.”
I felt like I was doing the right thing by being honest with Macy but watching her sob profusely on my bed made me wonder if instead I should have given her false reassurance that Mom and Ross would make up and live happily ever after.
“What’s going to happen to us?” She croaked.
I imagined Mom would take Ross to court to fight for full custody of Macy and Spencer even though they would be much better off with an emotionally stable parent like Ross. She would probably leave me on the curb to die. Ross would probably take me in out of the kindness of his heart or I could beg my dad and Caroline to take me in. Not wanting to scare my nine-year-old sister with the idea of a custody battle, I told her I didn’t know and that we would worry about it if it happened.
A few minutes later, Ross knocked on my door. When I told him to come in, he opened the door asking where Macy was and stopped midsentence when he saw her curled up in a ball on my bed.
“Is everything okay?”
I looked at my sister, who cried harder, likely embarrassed that her dad had seen her this way and shattered her brave girl image.
“We heard the fighting.” I admitted. “May’s a little concerned.”
Ross sat on the other side of Macy, placing his hand on her scrawny shoulder. “Sweetheart, there’s nothing to worry about. Mommy and I will work it out. It’s gonna be okay.”
“I don’t want you to get divorced!” She blurted out.
“Whoa. We’re not getting divorced.” Ross assured calmly, glancing over at me, possibly thinking I had put the idea in her head. I shrugged innocently though telling her I wasn’t sure if Mom and Ross would work it out probably didn’t help.
“Then why are you fighting?”
“Parents just fight sometimes. That doesn’t mean we’re getting divorced. Everything will be just fine.”
Macy sniffled and sat up, wiping her wet cheeks with her wrists. “Why is Mommy so mad? Why can't she just let Jessica see her dad?”
“It’s a long story, honey. Don’t worry about it. But everything’s going to be okay, okay?”
Macy nodded though I didn’t think she was entirely convinced. Ross told her it was time for her to shower and get ready for bed. She reluctantly got up, leaving Ross and me alone.
“I don’t know how to get through to your mom.” He confessed. “Have you tried to talk to her at all?”
I shook my head. We had strategically avoided each other the past few days. I didn’t want to risk the wrath of accidentally crossing her.
“You holding up okay?”
I nodded though seeing Macy so upset shattered my heart completely.
“Good. I need to go make sure Spencer’s getting ready for bed. Thanks for looking after Macy.”
I aimlessly stared at the ceiling for a while after he left. If I took myself out of the equation, maybe Mom and Ross could go back to their happy marriage with their beautiful shared children. I turned eighteen in November and didn’t have the money to get an apartment but maybe I could convince my dad to let me live with him for a year or maybe I could live with Kathleen or my grandparents. Though leaving home wasn’t my ideal situation, I would do anything to give my family the happiness they deserved without me.
Wednesday, March 27th, 2019
After finishing my math homework, I worked up the courage to call Kathleen. Though my aunt was more level-headed than my mother, I feared Kathleen wouldn’t want to help me out for fear of betraying her sister. However, when she picked up the phone a few rings later, she sounded chipper as ever.
“Hey Peanut, how’s it going?”
“It’s going.” I answered honestly. “I want to ask you something.”
“What’s up?”
“Um…I don’t know if you’ve talked to Mom but things aren’t going well over here. She found out…um…that I’ve been in contact with my dad…”
“I’ve talked to her.” Kathleen interrupted, thankfully not making me tell the rest of the story.
“Anyway, I know it’s kind of a lot to ask. But would it be possible for me to come stay with you for a little bit? Until things blow over?”
“Of course.” She agreed without hesitation. “You know my door’s always open.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful I wouldn’t have to move on to asking my grandparents or my dad if she turned me down. Kathleen’s house was a twenty-minute drive from my school so it was not the ideal arrangement but I would make do.
“You can come over tonight if you want. I’m gonna order Chinese food.”
>
“That would be great.”
“Orange chicken and fried rice?” It had been my go-to order since Kathleen surprised me at school for Mother’s Day lunch in first grade when Mom went into labor with Macy the night before and couldn't come.
“Yes please.”
“Great! I’ll go pick it up around 6:30. You can come over whenever you’re ready.”
I glanced at the clock on my nightstand, reading 5:34. Mom had left with Macy for dance around five and probably planned to stay and watch her as she had done since our blowout. She wouldn’t be home until probably after eight so I could leave without having to tell her I was leaving.
“Kathleen…” I hesitated before she could hang up.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Mom will be mad at you for taking me in? I don’t want to start anything.”
“Don’t worry about me. Vanessa and I have had fights for the last thirty-four years. I’m not afraid of her.”
I got my things together then went downstairs and told Ross where I was headed. He asked if Mom knew and I told him she didn’t. Poor Ross would have to deal with the repercussions if she came home and flipped out but he didn’t try to stop me. He told me to have fun and to call if I needed anything.
Kathleen and I spent the evening eating Chinese food and watching home improvement shows, one of her favorite pastimes. She asked me if I wanted to talk about anything and respected my wishes when I told her I didn’t.
After she claimed she was going to shower and get ready for bed, I relocated to the guest room. Kathleen had an old yearbook on her bookshelf from when she was a senior and Mom was a sophomore. I flipped through until I found an angsty fifteen-year-old Vanessa Landreth with crimped hair, wearing a Backstreet Boys t-shirt, and a sarcastic smile like she was plotting the photographer’s downfall. My dad was on the next page, looking like a younger version of his current self, dressed in a green polo shirt and smiling happily. I wondered if their paths had crossed yet. Mom never told me how she and my dad got together. I doubted now she ever would.
