by M. Katherton
The girls’ bathroom was empty when I got there. I dry heaved over the toilet a few times but nothing came out. I didn’t want to go back to class. I couldn’t go back and see Karli’s empty desk and Mr. Wallace with tears in his eyes. I couldn’t think about Emelia’s eighth period teacher possibly giving the same announcement. I wanted to go home. I wanted my mom. I would never speak to my dad again if it meant I could have her back. I needed her right now.
“Yeah?” She answered annoyed as I called her from the bathroom, probably ready to give me a lecture about using my phone during school hours.
“Mom…” I croaked. “I need you.”
“I’m on my way to a meeting right now.” She said matter-of-factly, probably assuming I was feeling guilty about our fight which she clearly was not ready to work through yet.
“There was a car wreck during lunch. Emelia and her friends…” I blubbered, unable to spit the rest of it out. Mom was quiet on the other end but I knew she hadn’t hung up because I could hear music playing in the background in her car.
“Are they okay?”
“Two dead, two alive! Names haven’t been released yet! I want to come home!”
“Okay, okay.” Mom responded, a little more sympathy in her tone. “I’m turning around right now. I’ll call my client and cancel. I’ll be right there, okay?”
“Okay.”
I used paper towels to wipe the tears off my face, trying to hold myself together before heading back to class to wait for Mom. When I walked back into the room, I felt thirty sets of eyes on me as I took my desk in the middle of the third row. Mr. Wallace gave me a sympathetic look as he lectured about dementia, already collected enough from the beginning of class announcement that somebody passing by the classroom probably wouldn’t know he had delivered such news earlier. About ten minutes later, an office aide brought in a pass summoning me to the office for early dismissal.
Mom waited for me in the hallway outside the office, dressed in her realtor jacket with her dark hair tied in a professional bun. Despite the recent tension between us, she wrapped her arms around me, making me completely lose it again.
“Oh, sweetheart.” She sympathized, rubbing my back as my sobs echoed through the quiet hallway. “Let’s get you home. We’ll come back for your car later.”
I sobbed the whole way back to the house as I relayed everything Mr. Wallace had said. Despite the wet road conditions, Mom steered the car with her left hand and held my hand with her right. When we got home, she bundled me up in blankets on the couch and sat beside me, searching the web for updates. There was nothing yet.
“Emelia wanted to be friends again.” I confessed. “I told her I’d have to think about it. And now she might be gone. And we won’t ever get that chance and we left off on uncertain terms. I feel so guilty.”
“Sweetie, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. You didn’t know this would happen.”
“She did bad things to me in ninth grade but she didn’t deserve to die!”
“I know. We don’t know that she’s dead. You have to think positively.”
“I don’t know how I’m ever gonna live with myself.”
“Jessica, it’s not your fault. You didn’t cause any of this.”
I kept crying, unaffected by her reassurance so she stopped talking and just held me. I didn’t know if she would go back to ignoring me after we learned Emelia’s fate but she knew exactly what I needed right now and I was grateful to have her back, even if it was just temporary.
That night, as I prepared for bed, I braved Twitter for the first time all day. There was speculation amongst my classmates that Hannah had died as she was driving. A picture of the jeep had surfaced in a news article and the driver’s side was completely smashed in. It was a reasonable conclusion but I felt bad feeling relieved at the idea that if Hannah had died, it gave Emelia a two-thirds chance of surviving. I didn’t know how soon names would be released or if someone from school would find out and leak it on Twitter, but I wouldn’t feel better until I knew if Emelia lived.
Friday, April 5th, 2019
I opened my eyes the following morning to Mom sitting on the edge of my bed. Most mornings I didn’t see her before she left for work as she was usually out of the house by six-thirty but her brown hair was in a messy bun and she was still in her pajamas.
“Good morning, sweetheart. I have some news.”
I sat up in bed, my heart pounding, suddenly remembering about the car wreck yesterday after not thinking about it for seven hours.
“Emelia survived.” She informed. “She’s in the hospital and pretty banged up but she’s in stable condition now and will be okay. Karli survived too. Similar situation to Emelia. Hannah and Grace died at the scene.”
I let out a sigh of relief. Emelia was alive. Obviously it wasn’t great news as Hannah and Grace had died, but Emelia was still alive. Maybe we could have another chance. Tuesday’s lunch conversation wasn’t our last.
“Sorry to wake you up so early. Just thought you’d want to know. School emailed out a statement with the details.”
“Thanks.”
“Go back to sleep. I’ll call you in sick today.”
I glanced at the clock on my nightstand which read 6:34. Mom would be late for work if she didn’t get ready soon.
“Are you going to work?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t want to leave you by yourself today. Talked to my boss. He’s gonna cover the showings I had scheduled. Not a big deal.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Go back to sleep.”
She started to walk away, probably off to make a cup of coffee or help Ross get Macy and Spencer up for school. Just before she reached the doorway, I blurted out,
“I’m sorry I talked to my dad!”
Mom froze in her tracks then turned to face me with a solemn expression. She opened her mouth to speak but I wasn’t finished yet.
“And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you. It was just something I needed to do for myself. I’m sorry.”
Her brown eyes watered up and she walked back over and sat on the edge of my bed, wrapping her arms tightly around me.
“It’s okay, Jessica. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Life’s too short to be mad about shit like that.”
Her compassion made me cry too. She had been so strong for me yesterday but it was clear the car wreck weighed on her too. Hannah and Grace’s parents lost their daughters. If I had been in that car and died, Mom never would have forgiven herself for our fight. Kathleen was right about Mom’s unconditional love for me. She dropped everything to come get me at school yesterday when I needed her regardless of all that had happened.
“I won’t talk to him anymore if that’s what you want.” I offered, wiping my eyes with my palms.
She sniffled and looked down at the bed instead of at me. “No, Jess. It’s not up to me. If you want to get to know your father, who am I to stop you? Me not getting along with him shouldn’t have anything to do with you.”
“Thank you.” I whispered, hugging her again. She held on tightly and didn’t let go for several minutes.
“Sorry for being so hard on you. I just…I don’t know. I worried he might hurt you like he hurt me but that was eighteen years ago and I need to let it go. I almost lost my own dad this year. I don't know what I would do without my dad. I shouldn't keep you from yours.”
She wiped tears from my face with her fingers as her own continued to pour down her cheeks. She had always been my rock and seeing her cry broke my heart. 2019 had been a scary year for us with Grandpa's heart attack and now the car wreck. Despite how strong my mother was, it was too much for her to bear.
“I love you so much, Jess. And I’ll always love you no matter what, okay?”
I nodded and told her I loved her too.
“I just keep thinking about those girls and their parents. Gosh.” Mom expressed. “Like how does s
omebody go on after something like that?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m a mess.” She chuckled, wiping her own eyes on the sleeve of her gray t-shirt. “Anything else you wanna talk about while we're all emotional?”
I shook my head, pretty much all cried out for the morning. Mom left to help Ross get my siblings up for school, shoving all the feelings back inside.
I spent the day hanging out with Mom in front of the TV. I got a few texts from Ryan asking where I was when he realized I wasn’t at school and I got a text from my dad claiming he saw a news article about students at my school being in a car wreck and wanted to make sure I was okay. Otherwise, I stayed off my phone. I didn’t want to read the social media posts about Hannah and Grace dying. People who barely knew them would come out of the woodwork and post stories and cliché quotes and song lyrics about how sad they were just for the attention. It was gross.
I wondered who would post about me if I died. Ryan didn’t have social media. Kendra would probably post a ten-photo collage and write some novel about our perfect friendship despite our falling out, not because she cared about me but just to garner attention. Emelia might share a throwback photo from our childhood and write wistfully about how she wished we could have rekindled our friendship. Other than that, I doubted anyone would care. Paige wouldn’t break her Valencia themed Instagram to share a picture of my empty desk in front of her in English class and Charlie probably wouldn’t write a paragraph about the time he thought I had been smoking weed when I had actually been crying. When you were popular, everyone thought they knew and loved you. Hardly anybody knew me.
I mustered up the courage to text Emelia before heading to bed that night. I deleted and retyped the text at least the thirty times, then finally settled on a simple,
Hey. Hope you’re doing okay. I know you must be going through a lot and I’m really sorry about Hannah and Grace. I want to work on our friendship again if you’re still willing. Glad you’re still here.
After sending, I realized I probably should have signed my name in case she didn’t have my number saved anymore. Just about the time I was about to send a follow up telling her it was me, she responded,
Thanks, Jess. That means a lot. <3
I didn’t know what the future held for Emelia and me. I didn’t know if we could ever go back to how things were before that fateful night in ninth grade when she accused me of being jealous and trashed me online. However, I did think that we could improve our relationship if we were both willing.
Saturday, April 6th, 2019
Despite my emotional exhaustion, I texted my dad and asked if we could talk. After Mom sort of gave me her blessing to continue speaking to him, I wanted to ask him if it was too late to pick up where we left off. Life was too short not to have a relationship with him, especially since we had already lost seventeen years. Dad invited me to come over when I told him I wanted to talk. He claimed Caroline and Taylor had gone to visit Caroline’s parents for the day, leaving me the perfect opportunity to spill my heart out to him.
“What’s on your mind, Jess?” Dad asked as if he was my therapist, placing a glass of water down on the coffee table for each of us.
“I talked to my mom.” I admitted. “I still don’t think she likes that we’re talking but she told me it’s not up to her.”
“Good.”
“Life’s too short. My childhood best friend was in the car wreck. She survived but two other girls died. It’s so surreal. If it had been me in the car, I would have left off on weird terms with both you and Mom. We already lost seventeen years. I don’t want to lose anymore.” I got choked up thinking about Emelia and her friends. I took a sip of water trying to shove the emotions down but they didn’t budge. “The point is, I want to keep talking and hanging out and being your daughter. I don’t want to worry about it not being enough if something happens to me.”
“Jessica,” He reached over and placed a hand on my arm. “Of course you’re enough.”
Tears escaped down my face. Dad clearly felt uncomfortable with my crying as he didn’t see me through the emotional early teen years like Mom had. He let me cry it out for a few minutes before speaking again.
“I know it’s hard for you that your mom and I don’t get along. And I’m sorry. We both made a lot of mistakes back in our day and it damaged our relationship forever. But one thing I do know is that we both love you so much. And you shouldn’t have to choose between us.”
I nodded. I couldn’t play these games anymore – lying to Mom about where I was, worrying about betraying her when I spoke to my dad, walking on eggshells around the subject – and though I knew she hated it, I wanted to have a relationship with my dad. And I didn’t want it to be a secret anymore.
After leaving my dad’s, I decided to tie up one more loose end I had. Though I swore that I was never speaking to her again, I needed to do this. I didn’t even know if she would text me back but she responded almost immediately, agreeing to meet me at McDonald’s.
Kendra looked exactly the same as she had when I last saw her: bleach blonde hair with brown roots peeking out at the top, v-neck shirt and jeans, and walking with a skip in her step as if she was on her own reality show.
“Hey, what’s up?” She asked, sliding into the booth across from me with a tray of chicken nuggets and fries.
“Not much.” I sighed though that was obviously a lie. “How’s Lakewood?”
“Alright.” She shrugged. “I would ask how Seaview is but according to Twitter and the news, it seems rough.”
I nodded, waiting for her to point out that my eyes were swollen or that I looked like I hadn't slept in days but she didn’t.
“I’ve been thinking.” I started, balling up the straw trash from my drink between my fingers. “I don’t know, what if it had been me in the car wreck? What about all the people I wouldn’t have left off on good terms with? Point is, I’m sorry for shutting you out. I’ve been going through a lot this semester and I took it out on you and it wasn’t fair and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” She accepted. I expected her to call me out, express how much I had hurt her, and accuse me of being the reason she left Seaview, but she didn’t.
“I’ve been talking to my biological dad.” I admitted. “And it’s been one of the most emotional experiences of my life. So I haven’t had my head on straight.”
“Jessica! Why didn’t you tell me?!” She gasped at my confession, her shrill voice echoing through the McDonald’s dining room, causing an older couple to our right to glare at us.
I shrugged though I knew why I hadn’t. I feared she would slip and bring it up in front of my mom or that she would want to be involved with the journey to find and meet my dad. Now I had nothing to hide though. I was tired of my secret life.
“What’s he like?”
Despite not talking for weeks, I filled Kendra in all about my dad – missing our first coffee meeting, how he recognized me at the bowling alley, meeting his family, and how Mom found out by seeing a picture in my underwear drawer – and how we were continuing our relationship even after everything exploded. For once, she listened intently instead of interrupting to one-up me with one of her own stories. I then told her that I lost my virginity to Ryan but that he was graduating next month and possibly moving back to Maryland. She didn’t interject to compare my relationship to hers with Chase or beg for more details. Kendra finally listened.
Once I quit updating her on my life, she told me all about Lakewood and how she and Lana had different lunch periods so she spent the first week eating alone until a girl from her English class invited her to eat at her table. She was taking theatre but didn’t plan on auditioning for any productions until next year because she wanted to feel things out and get to know everyone. Though Lakewood wasn’t exactly the lifechanging new start she had hoped for, she seemed to be doing okay.
“I’m sorry if you felt like you had to leave Seaview because of me.” I finally apologized as
she dipped her last chicken nugget into a tiny plastic tub of barbecue sauce.
“It wasn’t just you.” She admitted though it had seemed that way when she posted her farewell address on Twitter. “I was also sick of all the theatre politics. Paige and Anthony getting all the leads because they’re Mr. Todd's favorites. I got tired of being in the chorus and being Paige’s understudy. Thought maybe a new school would give me a better chance but it’s the same story, just different characters.”
“So you’re for sure gonna stay for next year?”
She nodded. “It’s closer to my house. My stepmom doesn’t have to drive me across town anymore. It’s for the best.”
When we parted ways, we gave each other a quick hug but didn’t make any future plans to talk or hang out. Finally I could stop feeling guilty about possibly pushing her out of Seaview. Kendra wasn’t a bad person. I just didn’t think we were meant to be best friends forever. We wouldn’t be bridesmaids in each other’s weddings or raise our children next door to each other in houses with white picket fences. That was okay though. She had come into my life when I needed a new best friend after being dropped by Emelia. She served her purpose. Now it was time for us each to move forward.
Monday, April 8th, 2019
