by M. Katherton
“Apparently the other girl didn’t even go to the funeral.”
“People shouldn’t judge Karli either. Maybe she’s too injured or emotionally exhausted. They’ve been through so much. I wish everybody would just stop talking about it.” I vented, my heatedness catching Ryan off guard.
“Chill. I wasn’t judging her. I was just telling you what I heard.”
“I’m just tired of hearing about the whole thing.”
“Okay.” He shoved a handful of potato chips into his mouth, probably his solution to not annoying me any further.
After school, I went home to shower and grab a few things before going back to Emelia’s to get ready for Grace’s funeral. However, when I got there, Barbara answered the door and told me Emelia wasn’t feeling well and was going to stay home tonight. I wanted to see Emelia and make sure she was okay after last night but Barbara claimed she was asleep. Instead, I went home and hung out with my siblings while Mom cooked pot pies in the kitchen for dinner. I checked Twitter, a habit I had picked back up after Kendra’s big social media goodbye. Though I didn’t follow any of the girls besides Emelia, some people I did follow had retweeted tweets from Karli, who had finally broken her silence. I clicked on her profile to see the full thread. Her default picture was a picture of her and Hannah in their cheerleading uniforms at the homecoming game in October.
@karlimartin02: Everyone’s been asking why I haven’t been at the funerals & haven’t been answering texts so wanted to clear the air…
My stomach knotted up, fearing she was about to out Emelia about the radio changing that supposedly caused the crash.
@karlimartin02: I’ve been on a lot of pain medicine & feel high as hell all the time but also emotionally going through a lot.
@karlimartin02: I feel like the crash was my fault. Hannah wanted to go to Panda Express but I kept bitching that I wanted to go to Burger King instead. We argued in the parking lot then she finally asked if we went to BK if I would shut up about it.
@karlimartin02: Panda Express is in the opposite direction. If I had just let Hannah go where she wanted, we wouldn’t have been in the crash. It’s my fault. All because I wanted a stupid Whopper.
@karlimartin02: It should have been me. Hannah and Grace didn’t deserve to die. Emelia didn’t deserve to get injured. I deserve more than a broken arm and leg. Can’t even look at Emelia. I killed her best friends.
@karlimartin02: I appreciate everyone’s prayers and well wishes but I just can’t talk right now. Can’t deal with the reminders of my stupid whining that led to my best friends’ deaths. Thanks for understanding.
There were at least a dozen replies assuring Karli that it wasn’t her fault but she hadn’t liked or responded to any of them. I wanted to text Emelia and ask her if she had seen them but I didn’t know if that would make her feel better or worse that Karli also felt responsible. Multiple factors could have led to the crash that day but I didn’t feel Emelia nor Karli were responsible.
Friday, April 12th, 2019
Ryan invited me to go to the bowling alley but I was just too emotionally exhausted to put on a happy act for him and my dad. Besides, seeing somebody else work the snack counter would be a painful reminder of Emelia being injured and drowning in grief over Hannah and Grace’s deaths. I had texted her a few times trying to check on her since yesterday but got no response. I understood that she wanted to be alone but a simple text letting me know she was okay would ease my worries a little.
Ross took Macy and Spencer out to see a movie but Mom stayed home, tired after a long week of work. I found her downstairs in front of the TV, eating strawberry ice cream out of the carton, something she’d ingrained in my siblings and I never to do. I knew she had a secret stash hidden behind the frozen vegetables but her audacity to eat it straight from the carton baffled me.
“Do as I say, not as I do.” She told me as I stood wide-eyed before her, mouth half full.
I flopped down beside her, not sure she could do anything to help me but just wanting to be near her. The gesture triggered her Mom radar.
“You doing okay?”
“I’m worried about Emelia. She told me some stuff about the crash and then has kept to herself since yesterday.”
“What did she tell you?”
I pursed my lips, not wanting to invalidate Emelia’s trust. If my mom called Barbara and repeated anything I said, any chance I had of rebuilding my friendship with Emelia was down the drain. I feared this was more than I could handle though. If something happened to Emelia and I didn’t tell anyone, I too would feel guilty for the rest of my life.
“She thinks she’s responsible for the crash. She told me she and Hannah were fighting over the radio when they skidded off the road. I told her that it’s not her fault but she thinks it is. She says she wishes it could have been her. And I’m worried about her. I’m worried about the guilt getting better of her.”
Mom raised her eyebrows at my confession, as surprised as I was that Emelia felt responsible. She stuck her spoon back in the carton of ice cream to reload. “I’m guessing she hasn’t told this to her parents.”
“I don’t think so. Barbara talked about taking her to a counselor and Emelia immediately shot it down.”
Mom sighed. “She needs help. She went through a traumatic event and not getting help is only gonna make it worse.”
I nodded though I didn’t know how to convince her she needed help. Emelia had always been the kind of person who wanted to do it all herself. She wanted to please Barbara and Travis so badly that she went to extreme lengths to pretend she was fine even when she wasn’t. Once in seventh grade when Emelia got an 87 in math, her first B ever, and she photoshopped it into a 92 before hanging it on the fridge because she didn’t think a B would be good enough for her parents. Being the only child put exorbitant amounts of pressure on her to be perfect. However, when it came to her mental health, she needed to drop the act.
“Like I don’t know what to do. I want to give her the space she wants but I’m afraid what will happen if I leave her alone. I don’t want to tell her parents because I don’t want to invalidate her trust. I mean, after all we’ve been through, I finally have her back and I don’t want to lose her again…” My voice trailed off, tears forming in my eyes. I had been trying so hard to be strong for Emelia that I had pushed aside my own feelings.
“Jess,” Mom soothed, putting the ice cream carton down on the coffee table and instead wrapping her arms around me. “I know. But you can’t keep this to yourself. Just in case.”
“I don’t want to scare Barbara and Travis.”
“I’ll call Barbara, okay?”
“But Emelia's going to hate me.”
“She’s not. She’s crying out for help. Even if she’s mad at first, one day she’ll understand why and she’ll be grateful. She’s not in her right mind right now, sweetie. Barbara and Travis need to know. I would want them to tell me if it was you.”
I nodded, burrowing my head in Mom’s shoulder. I just wanted everything to be okay. I knew this was all for the best but it was so hard. Emelia needed to get help though and if I had to betray her trust to help her get that, I would do it.
Saturday, April 13th, 2019
When Dad invited me over for lunch on Saturday, I accepted the invitation, hoping it would distract me from worrying about Emelia. He made hamburgers and Caroline made cherry pie for desert. I put on my best happy act, not wanting to seem ungrateful for lunch or not happy to see them. However, all I could think about was how Mom called Barbara this morning and relayed everything Emelia had told me. I still hadn’t heard from Emelia herself. I didn’t know if she hated me or still just wanted to be alone.
“We’re going to the beach in July with my family.” Dad told me as we finished up desert. “My parents rent a big house and it’s always a lot of fun. We were planning to invite you anyway but Maddy’s been begging for you to come. We’d love to have you if you want to and if it’s okay with your mom.”
I smiled at the thought of peppy eleven-year-old Maddy and her polaroid camera. Going to the beach would be a good opportunity to get to know my dad’s side of the family better. However, I wanted to talk to Mom about it before I made any concrete plans to go.
“I need to talk to my mom, but if she says it’s okay, I’d love to go. That sounds like fun.”
Dad and Caroline both smiled while Taylor started to doze off in his highchair. Having a second family was still unreal to me. I hoped one day I would be able to walk into this house and it would feel like a second home to me but I wasn’t there yet. Hopefully the beach vacation would help though. If Mom said yes.
After lunch with Dad, I stopped by Emelia’s again. I texted her to see if she was up for company but got no response so instead I just showed up. Barbara opened the door, clearly ready to shoo off whoever had come to sell her lawncare or crappy school fundraiser candles but she froze when she saw me.
“Hi.” I greeted shyly despite knowing Barbara for most of my life. “Just came to check on Emelia.”
Barbara didn’t say anything, she just wrapped her arms around me and started crying. I didn’t know what this meant. Had something happened to Emelia? I stood frozen as she blubbered into my shoulder, thanking me for telling my mom and bringing it to her attention. When she let go of me, she pulled a crumpled up tissue out of her back pocket and dabbed at her eyes.
“Sorry. It’s been really emotional here.”
“It’s okay.”
“Emelia’s upstairs. She hasn’t wanted to talk much lately but you’re welcome to try.”
My legs shook as I climbed the stairs, fearing Emelia would tell me she never wanted to see me again and that I had ruined her life. Instead, I found her lounged on her couch, eyes red, mindlessly watching Judge Judy on TV.
“Hey.” I greeted, awkwardly hovering in the doorway once again.
“Hey.” She replied, surprised to see me. “You can come in.”
I stepped into the room, relieved she hadn’t immediately insisted I get out of her house. I perched on the opposite end of the couch, ready to get up and run if she tried to chunk a pillow or a remote at me.
“You doing okay?” I asked.
She shook her head no. I assumed Barbara had talked to her after Mom called but decided to play it safe in case she hadn’t.
“Is there anything I can do?”
She shook her head again. I thought she might send me away but instead said, “I don’t want to project all this onto you. You deserve better than me and my baggage.”
“That’s not true.”
She shrugged, her eyes beginning to water. “I did this to myself.”
“Emelia, it’s not your fault.” I insisted, my voice sterner than I intended.
“Just let me feel what I need to.” She croaked. “You don’t understand.”
“I don’t.” I acknowledged. “But I hate seeing you be so hard on yourself.”
“I deserve it.”
“No, you don’t.”
She shrugged again, shoving her face in the arm of the couch, signaling she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
“Do you want me to stay or you wanna be alone?”
“Alone.” She croaked.
I left. Emelia knew where to find me if she needed me. However, if she wanted to be alone then I would leave her alone. It was all I could do for her right now. I hoped that time would help heal her and that she would get the help she needed but she needed to want it for herself before that could happen.
Sunday, April 14th, 2019
Though life seemed so broken to me, the rest of the world carried on per usual. I had math and English homework due tomorrow as my teachers refused to let off the gas despite how close we were to the end of the school year. I had done well all year and couldn’t let my grades drop now. Emelia got extensions on her all her school work after the wreck but I had to carry on as normal though it affected me too.
Macy had been coming into my room in recent weeks to hang out before bed. Ever since I had left for Kathleen’s, she had been extra clingy, possibly afraid it would happen again.
“So since you and Emelia are friends again, do you think one day I’ll be friends with Zoey again?”
“I don’t know. Maybe one day. Who knows. Anything could happen.” I offered half-heartedly, not even sure if Emelia and I were friends anymore after Mom called Barbara yesterday. Macy had gotten closer to a few of the other girls on her dance team so the Zoey situation had fallen by the wayside.
“I kinda miss her sometimes. Like I know she’s mean but I miss the times before she was mean.”
“I know. That was how I felt when Emelia and I stopped being friends. Maybe one day Zoey will go back to her old self or maybe you’ll go on to meet even better friends and forget all about Zoey.”
She shrugged. “Tasha and Isabel are pretty cool.”
Macy had potential to be popular in high school if she wanted to. With her dance background, she could make the cheer squad and be as popular as Emelia and her friends. She had the blonde hair and blue eyes and the gracefulness everybody wanted. However, I didn’t know if that would be the path Macy chose. She was a sensitive kid and I didn’t know if she would want all the drama and attention that accompanied that.
“Focus on that. Don’t worry about Zoey. If you guys are meant to be friends again, it will work out one day.”
“But what if she dies?”
Mom had told Macy and Spencer about the car wreck in simple terms when they came home from school and found me crying on the couch. Spencer took it objectively and carried on about his day whereas I could tell it bothered Macy more. Hearing her openly ask about what if Zoey died broke my heart though.
“May, you can’t think like that.” I told her gently. “I mean, anything could happen to any of us at any time but you can’t worry about that. You have to enjoy life to the fullest every day.”
I sounded like some cliché quote that a lonely divorced middle-aged women would share on Facebook but I didn’t want my nine-year-old sister worrying about her and her friends dying.
“But, if you feel like you need to try and work things out with Zoey just in case, there’s no harm in that.”
Macy shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe we just need to both move on.”
“That’s okay too.”
After Macy went off to bed, I read alone in my room to tire myself out so I could fall asleep. As I started getting sleepy, my phone vibrated on the nightstand. No one usually called me this late but when I saw Emelia’s name on the screen, I couldn’t answer it fast enough.
“Hey,” She said calmly after I answered frantically, fearing the worst. “I know it’s late, but can we talk?”
“Of course.”
“I talked to my parents. I’m gonna get professional help.”
I blew a silent sigh of relief, thankful for this call instead of one where she was on the brink and needed me to talk her off the ledge.
“So I just wanted to say thanks for going to my parents and looking out for me. I’ve just been a little out of my mind lately and haven’t been thinking straight.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Sorry I’ve been shutting you out lately. It’s just been hard.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“Can I ask you for one more favor?”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Can you give me a ride to school tomorrow? My dad will pick me up. I just thought it might be nice to walk in with somebody.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Thanks, Jess.”
“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
Monday, April 15th, 2019
“Ready to go back?” I asked Emelia as she sat in my passenger seat on the drive to school. She looked comfy this morning in a pair of running shorts, a hoodie despite the eighty-degree weather, and her hair tied up in a messy bun. Now that she claimed she didn�
�t want to cheer next year, I wondered if she felt like the pressure was off to look picture perfect every day.
“Not really. But I can’t hide forever.”
“Have you been on Twitter?” I fished, trying to indirectly ask if she had seen Karli’s tweets.
“I saw Karli’s confession. Still haven’t talked to her. I don’t know why she feels so guilty. She and Hannah bickered over where to eat all the time. Nothing new.”
I decided not to push the subject any further. Going back to school would already be eventful enough for Emelia and I didn’t want to upset her before we even got there. I hoped eventually she or Karli would reach out to each other though in the back of my mind I worried a little that once they started talking to each other, Emelia would drop me again.
Unsurprisingly, everyone stared as we entered the front doors of Seaview High School, Emelia’s crutches clacking loudly against the tile floor. She held her head up high and kept her eyes forward as if the attention didn’t bother her. A few people said hello to her, which she politely responded to, but didn’t stop to have any conversations. I followed her to the cafeteria where she slumped down at a table behind a decorative plant.
“So ready for today to be over.” She vented, pushing up the sleeves of her hoodie. Her arms were covered in scrapes and bruises so I figured she would be wearing hoodies for a while to disguise them. Even with all her battle scars, Emelia was still one of the prettiest girls in school. I knew the wreck took a toll on her self-confidence though.
I walked Emelia to her first period math class before heading to my English class in the next hallway over. She seemed braver about facing the world again than I would have been, though I knew deep down she was a little scared. I hoped people would be nice and not ask her invasive questions but that was probably just wishful thinking. I couldn’t worry about it though. Emelia had been through hell. She could get through one day of school.
