by Amy Clipston
His mouth dropped open, and then she turned and marched back to her friends to the tune of alternating frustration, disappointment, and heartbreak.
* * *
Dave stood in stunned silence as the ties from Alice’s kapp fluttered behind her.
She’d just told him he was worthy. And he could feel the determination coming off her in waves. Did that mean she really did care about him? That she didn’t just feel sorry for him? And was she right about God?
A strange new longing swirled in his chest. He wanted to run after Alice and tell her he’d go with her and their friends, and then he imagined himself standing by her side as they sang hymns for Titus Zook. But he felt cemented in place, his shoes stuck to the rock driveway as if his guilt, sorrow, and grief were as strong as the mortar he used while building walls and stairs.
He remained in place as Alice approached his group of old friends and said something to them. Cal met his gaze and smiled as he waved. Dave responded with a nod. Then Alice climbed into Cal’s buggy, and Dave’s longing intensified. He not only wanted to go with her to Titus Zook’s house; he wanted her to ride in his buggy.
She should be at my side. She belongs with me.
Dave swiped both hands down his face and closed his eyes. He had to stop these thoughts! After all, he planned to leave the community and never look back. He couldn’t drag sweet Alice into his nightmare. And he knew she was wrong about what God thought about him.
He climbed into his buggy just as Cal’s horse and buggy passed by. He snuck a glance at Alice, who was sitting beside Cal and smiling as she spoke to him. White-hot jealousy roared through him. He had to extinguish these feelings for Alice. They would do nothing but make leaving more difficult. He had to find a way to put her out of his mind for good.
* * *
Dave stowed his horse and buggy and then stepped into the house, where he poured himself a glass of iced tea from the pitcher in the refrigerator. He rested his hip against the kitchen counter and savored the cool drink as he tried to force an image of Alice’s sweet smile into oblivion.
Then just as he reached the bottom step of the stairs, his parents entered the kitchen.
“David!” Mamm called. “Are you home?”
“Ya.” He stepped back into the kitchen and leaned on the doorway frame.
Mamm smiled. “What were you and Alice talking about after church?”
Dave bit back a groan as his parents watched him with interest. “Nothing important.”
“It looked important to me.” Mamm sang the words. “What was it?”
Dave raked his hand through his thick hair. “She just wanted to say hello, and she invited me to go singing with her and her freinden today.” He regretted the admission as soon as it left his lips.
Dat’s brow furrowed. “Why didn’t you go with her?”
“I’ve told you before. Nothing is the same now. I don’t fit in with that group.” He might as well tell the whole truth. He’d be gone soon. He had almost enough money now. “I don’t fit in with this community anymore, either.”
His parents exchanged a look, their eyes wide with distress.
“Don’t say that.” Mamm hustled over and took his hand in hers. “You belong here. You’re a baptized member of the community, and you’re our sohn. Tell me you’re not planning to leave.” She placed her hand on her chest. “Don’t break my heart. Promise me you won’t.”
Dave looked into his mother’s panicked face, and he couldn’t tell her the rest. He couldn’t admit that he thought about leaving every day, especially when he found himself lying in bed at night, so very lonely.
“I’m still here,” he said, unable to lie to his mother.
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret.” Dat sidled up to him and rested his hand on Dave’s shoulder. “If you leave, you’ll be shunned. Life isn’t as easy as you think on the outside. When mei bruder left, he struggled to find a job and make enough money to pay rent. He wound up living in a homeless shelter for a while. You don’t want to be destitute.” He gestured around the kitchen. “You have everything you need here, and you’re a talented brick mason. The company will be yours someday, and you don’t want to miss that opportunity.”
Dave looked down at his shoes to break his parents’ stares.
“And I think you and Alice care for each other,” Dat said.
Dave’s gaze snapped to his father’s. “What did you say?”
“You heard me. It’s obvious.”
Was that a smug expression on Dat’s face?
Dave blinked. His father had noticed his attraction to Alice. But he had to be wrong about Alice being attracted to him.
“If you leave, you’ll lose the opportunity to date her. You’ve been close freinden for years. You should see how that friendship could develop into more,” Mamm chimed in.
“Alice might still want to be a freind, but she would never be interested in dating me after what I did.” Dave’s voice sounded raw to his own ears. “Stop trying to force me to go back to my former freinden, let alone date a woman in this community—any woman. It won’t happen.”
Mamm placed a palm on his chest. “Ask God to heal your heart and lead you on the right path.”
Dave stepped away. “I’m going to my room.”
Before they could respond, he made his way upstairs, then sat on the edge of his bed as his mother’s advice rang through his mind.
He’d tried to pray a few times, but he could never form the words. He didn’t deserve God’s guidance or mercy. He deserved to suffer the same way Adam’s family had suffered.
Dave glanced out his window at the beautiful, sunny, cloudless blue sky, and his heart ached. If only he’d saved Adam, then maybe he’d be next to Alice as she sang this afternoon.
But it was only right for him to endure the pain of his mistake for the rest of his life. And despite his parents’ pleas, he would leave the community, no matter how much it would shatter his heart to lose Alice forever.
Chapter Six
“Let’s sing ‘Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah,’” Alice suggested as she sat on a folding chair in Titus and Jane Zook’s family room that afternoon.
“That’s a great choice.” Darlene opened her hymnal and flipped to the right page.
Alice and her friends had been singing for Titus for nearly an hour, and Alice was making every effort to keep a bright smile on her face despite the empathy she felt for Titus and Jane as they sat on the sofa across from them.
The treatments had aged this man, and he looked closer to eighty than his true age of sixty. Alice recalled Titus as a large and portly man with a head of bushy, bright-red hair and a matching beard. But now he had only a few tufts of hair left, and dark circles rimmed his faded, once bright-green eyes.
Jane held Titus’s hand as they sang, and she seemed to have aged fast too. Alice spotted more wrinkles on her face, as well as more gray in her brown hair. Dark circles rested under her eyes as well.
Before they started singing, Alice had silently asked God to help them bring comfort to this dear couple, and she hoped they had.
Sharon cleared her throat and then began to sing.
Alice and the rest of their friends joined in, sharing their three copies of the Ausbund, the Amish hymnal, and her two copies of Heartland Hymns, a German and English songbook Alice brought so they could sing a variety of songs.
As she sang, Alice’s thoughts shifted to Dave for what felt like the thousandth time this afternoon. As much as she kept trying to concentrate on the hymns, he still crept into her mind, and she found herself recalling how he’d said she was pretty, sweet, and thoughtful. Did that mean he cared about her? Her heart took on wings at the idea!
And then she considered his shocked expression when she told him he was worthy and that she wasn’t going to give up on him. She longed to know what had been going through his mind when she walked away from him. She was almost certain she could feel his eyes boring into her back. Was he angry? Or had
her words finally broken through the brick wall he’d built around his heart?
But if she had broken through that wall, wouldn’t he have come with her and their friends to sing this afternoon? Instead, she’d looked over her shoulder and seen him jump into his buggy and leave, most likely going home to be alone.
But Alice had a sneaking suspicion that she’d at least made a dent in that wall, and perhaps she’d make more progress if she continued telling him he was worthy of her friendship and God’s love.
Sharon began the second verse for the hymn, and her friends joined in as Jane and Titus exchanged smiles.
When the song was over, Jane invited them to have a piece of apple pie and coffee.
“Danki so much for coming,” Jane said as she walked Alice and her friends out to the front porch. “I haven’t seen Titus smile that much in months. You truly brightened our day.”
Alice’s heart warmed. “I’m so glad we could offer you both some happiness.”
“We enjoyed singing for you,” Sharon chimed in.
“Could we come again sometime?” Darlene added.
“We would love that.” Jane waved. “Be safe going home.”
“We will,” Cal called over his shoulder as he, Jay, and Andrew headed down the porch steps toward their waiting horses and buggies.
Alice started toward the buggies, too, but Darlene took her arm and gently held her back after Jane closed the front door. “I want to ask you about your conversation with Dave earlier.”
Sharon’s blue eyes sparkled. “Ya! All you said was that he wouldn’t come.”
Alice glanced toward where the men stood talking by their buggies and then turned back to Sharon and Darlene. She had to quickly summarize her conversation with Dave before the men lost their patience and said it was time to go. “I took him a carrot kuche on Thursday.”
“What?” Darlene gasped.
“How did that happen?” Sharon asked.
Alice explained the circumstances and how Dave had opened up to her a little, but she didn’t share any details. She’d never embarrass him if she could help it.
“Today I tried to invite him to come with us again, but he refused,” she said. “I told him I’m not going to give up on him, and I’m not. He said he liked the kuche, and he smiled when he told me. So I’m going to make him another dessert and see if maybe I can get him to trust me enough to come hang out with us.”
Sharon seemed to study her. “Do you care about Dave?”
“Sure I do.” Alice shrugged, trying to sound casual despite her jolting heart. “He’s our freind.”
“I think it’s great that you’re reaching out to him,” Darlene said.
Sharon nodded. “I do too. Keep inviting him to join us. Maybe someday he’ll agree.”
Alice was relieved that her friends hadn’t realized just how much she cared about Dave. The truth was her feelings for him blossomed like the flowers in her mother’s garden every time she saw him. If only he felt the same way . . .
“Are you all ready to go home?” Cal called.
“Ya, we’re coming.” Sharon turned to Alice. “Do you want to ride with Jay and me?”
“I don’t want to interfere with your time alone. I’m sure you want to talk.”
“No, it’s fine.” Sharon looped her arm around Alice’s shoulders. “You’re always welcome to ride with us.”
“Okay.” As Alice made her way to Jay’s buggy, she hoped someday she’d find herself riding home with Dave in his. But if friendship was all she could have with Dave she’d gladly take it.
* * *
Alice climbed out of Jay’s buggy and waved to him and Sharon. “Danki for the ride. Have a gut week.”
Sharon gave her a big smile as the horse and buggy started back down the driveway.
Alice breathed in the warm air and glanced at the colorful flowers blooming in her mother’s garden. Coming closer, she took in the roses, lilies, marigolds, and hydrangeas.
She smiled. How she enjoyed summer! She glanced at the bench near the edge of the garden and thought about how much she would love to sit there with Dave and talk. If she could just convince him he was worthy of her friendship, but she didn’t know how unless he was willing to forgive himself.
She glanced up at that cloudless cerulean sky. Only God could help her do whatever was best for Dave.
When she heard voices coming from the porch, she turned to find Benji and Joyce sitting in the glider. Joyce laughed when Benji said something to her, and then she rested her head on his shoulder. The glider moved back and forth as they held hands.
A renewed longing filled Alice. If only she and Dave could have a relationship like theirs.
“Hi, Alice!” Joyce sat up and waved as Alice came near. “I didn’t realize you were home.”
“How are you, Joyce?” Alice asked as she climbed the steps.
“I’m great.” She pointed toward the garden. “I was just telling Benji that your mamm’s garden is so schee. I’m sure you’ve been helping her with it.”
“Danki. I have.” Alice sat down on a rocker beside Joyce and took a chocolate chip cookie from the small table.
“How was your singing today?” Benji asked.
Alice swallowed the bite she’d just taken and sighed. “It was gut.”
“Really?” Benji squinted his eyes. “You don’t look like you enjoyed it.”
“I did. We sang for Titus and Jane Zook, and they really appreciated it. I was just disappointed because I couldn’t convince Dave to come with us.” Alice angled her body toward her brother. “I’m doing everything I can think of to reach him.”
“Are you talking about Dave Esh?” Joyce asked. “Benji told me a little something about what you’ve been trying to do.”
“Ya.” Alice explained her latest failed efforts.
Benji picked up a cookie. “I still think you just need to keep at it. Show him you care about him and keep inviting him to your group activities.”
Joyce leaned forward. “Here’s an idea. Tell him how much you need him to join your singings because your group could use another man—to balance out the harmony or something.”
Alice smiled. “That’s a gut idea. I’ll try it.”
“Let me know how it works out.”
“I will.” Alice took another cookie and stood. “You two enjoy your time together. I’ll talk to you later.” She stepped into the house and found her parents reading in the family room. She flopped down on the sofa and took a bite of the cookie.
“How is Titus doing?” Dat asked as he set his magazine on the end table.
“He looks so tired and thin.” Alice crossed her ankles. “But he and Jane were froh that we came.”
Mamm peered at her over her reading glasses. “I’m sure you were a blessing to them.”
“I hope we were.” Alice smoothed her hands over her apron and then looked back up at her mother. “Could we please plan another quilting bee at Annie’s?”
“Of course.” Mamm set her book on her lap. “Does that mean Dave refused your invitation again?”
“Ya. He wouldn’t come with us today.” Alice pressed her lips into a tight frown. “But I’m not giving up. I’ll keep trying to convince him he’s worthy of my friendship and God’s forgiveness. No mistake is beyond the Lord’s forgiveness.”
Dat’s brow puckered. “Dave thinks he’s not worthy of God’s forgiveness?”
“That’s what he said.” Alice’s lower lip trembled. “It just about broke my heart to hear him say it.”
Dat nodded. “Keep trying. Don’t give up on him.” He turned to Mamm. “I think it’s a great idea to ask Annie if you can have another quilting bee there. Then Alice can take Dave a pie this time and have more time to talk to him.” Dat looked at Alice again. “You’ll be a blessing to him.”
Alice sniffed. “Only with God’s help.”
Chapter Seven
Alice carried her pie up Annie’s back steps on Tuesday afternoon, a week and a half a
fter her parents agreed to support her plan. She looked down at the pie and bit her lower lip, then glanced back at Mamm and Joyce.
“Do you think I made a mistake making this frozen banana split pie? I’ve never made it before. What if it doesn’t taste gut and Dave doesn’t like it?”
Joyce gave her a sweet smile as she touched her shoulder. “Don’t worry. It’s the gesture that counts, right?”
The back door opened, and Annie appeared. “Hello!”
“I’m so glad you agreed to this quilting bee.” Mamm smiled as she held the king-sized quilt with the Wedding Ring design she and Alice had been working on. “Alice and I are so froh to have your help.”
Joyce nodded toward the small quilt folded over her arm. “I brought a quilt too. I’ve been working on a Spinning Star, but I’ve had some trouble.”
“Well, come inside.” Annie beckoned them. “Rosemary is here, too, so we’ll have a gut afternoon.”
“Wunderbaar.” Alice had always enjoyed talking with Dave’s older sister when she was a member of their church district. After she married John Yoder four years ago, though, when she was twenty-four, she moved to White Horse and joined his church district there. Now Alice rarely saw Rosemary, and it would be a special treat to spend the afternoon with her.
Alice followed Annie into the kitchen, where Rosemary stood making iced tea.
“Hi,” Alice said.
“Alice!” Rosemary stopped stirring and gave her a hug. “It’s so gut to see you!”
“It’s gut to see you too.” Alice smiled up at her. The family resemblance between Rosemary and Dave was just as obvious as it was between Annie and her son. They all had the same light-blue eyes and light-brown hair. Rosemary had also inherited her parents’ tall stature, just like Dave. “How’s Nancy? It must be exhausting running around after a three-year-old.”
“It is. But she’s doing well and getting so tall.” Rosemary beamed. “She’s taking a nap in mei mamm’s room.”
