Justin just nodded. “I’m going to plead guilty to whatever, you know? I’m trying to do the stuff my lawyer says, and I’m talking with my doctor, like, every day. But I’m not trying to get out of punishment for whatever happened. I mean, it’s stupid, right? You guys were there. You saw what I was about to do.”
“Can you tell me what happened? Anything about the why that you can remember?” Katherine asked. “From your perspective.”
Justin frowned, but he nodded. “Okay, so I’m not sure if you know about this, but after my brother died, I had a really bad time with panic attacks. Like, I wasn’t even in the same school as him, you know? I was already in middle school. But I had a really hard time going into the school building. Any building really. And you know my parents were all freaked out too, which didn’t help. Not that it’s their fault or anything.”
“I know what you mean,” Katherine said. “Their trauma exacerbated your trauma. None of that was illogical, by the way. You survived a violent event even though the shooting didn’t happen at your school. I suspect you had post-traumatic stress disorder.”
“I was officially diagnosed when I was fifteen.” He nodded and smiled a little. “Are you a psychologist too?”
“No, I’m a biophysicist. But that means I have an extraordinary respect for our biological systems and the intricate and interwoven measures our minds and nervous systems can take to protect us. What your body and mind were doing with the PTSD was trying to protect you, Justin. It took a wrong turn, so to speak, but your mind and body were trying to do the right thing.”
The corner of his mouth turned up. “I never thought about it that way. Thanks. That’s actually helpful. I started trying different medications right after I was diagnosed. My parents were reluctant at first, but then my psychologist warned them that a lot of kids who didn’t get the right treatment for PTSD self-medicated with alcohol or drugs, and I think that kind of scared them. They were supportive after that. They just didn’t get it.”
Katherine nodded. “I understand.”
“But the longer you’re on a medication, the more you have to take, right? And I’m a pretty big guy. I was worried about the medication losing its effectiveness or having bad long-term health consequences, so…”
Katherine could see him searching for words, but she didn’t want to ask about the study. If he offered it, that was one thing. Asking crossed a line.
Megan said, “Justin, we know about—”
Katherine kicked her leg. Hard.
“Ow!”
Toni leaned forward. “Shut it, Megan. Let him talk.”
Justin frowned, but he didn’t look conflicted. “I had the chance to be part of a biofeedback study that was supposed to supplement my medication. The goal wasn’t to not medicate at all, I think it was just to see if, by using biofeedback therapy, we could keep from increasing the dosage on my medications. Kind of that idea. It seemed super weird at first—they hooked me up with all these electrodes and plugged them into a computer. There were flashing lights when certain triggers happened.” He smiled a little. “I can’t lie, it was strange. I felt like I was in a science fiction movie.”
Katherine smiled. “You’re not the first person I’ve heard that from.”
“Right? It’s totally weird. But… eventually it worked. I could definitely tell when I was having triggers, and a lot of the time it was stuff I’d completely brushed off before. I realized that none of my panic attacks came out of nowhere. I could always tell when they were coming. It was kind of amazing, and it made me feel so much better. Like I had a lot more control over my body.”
“That’s great,” Katherine said. “That sounds really helpful.”
As Justin spoke about the study, Katherine could see the young man he was before the attack. His face was brighter. He looked confident.
Megan squeezed Katherine’s hand, and she knew her friend was seeing the same things.
“So after a few weeks being hooked up to the computer,” Justin continued, “you practice these visualizations to kind of gain control over your body’s responses, right?”
“I’ve heard that’s one method of biofeedback therapy.”
“So there were a variety of visualizations you could pick from, but I picked the one that felt like the most direct, you know?”
“What was it?” Megan asked.
“Imagine the worst thing that could happen.” Justin looked straight at Megan. “Sounds horrible, right? But see… that’s where my mind wanted to go anyway. That’s where it was always building. Being in that place and being trapped. So like… we were supposed to just go there. Throw water on it, kinda. Jump ahead and then step by step, walk backward.”
It was the exact same technique that Sarah had communicated to her.
“Take one step. Then another. You already know how you got there, right? So you know the way back.”
It made a horrible kind of sense, but it still seemed like a very risky visualization to Katherine. She didn’t express that to Justin, but she wondered who had written that part of the study.
“I’d snapped out of two panic attacks in the past six months using that technique,” Justin said. “I’d convinced myself eventually I’d be in complete control over them. That maybe I wouldn’t even have to medicate anymore.”
“Tell me about that day at the gym.” Katherine asked, “What’s the last thing you remember?”
“Jogging.” He frowned. “I felt my phone buzz with the reminder for my visualization exercise. I was going to put it off, but I recognized some triggers—body temperature is one for me. Heart rate. So jogging is kind of risky, but I really love it and it wasn’t the first time I’d run or anything, but I didn’t want to push it, so I got off the treadmill and walked to the locker room to just do the exercises.”
Toni asked, “He left the gym?”
“You left the machine room?” Katherine asked. “Do you remember why you went back?”
“No.” He shook his head. “The last thing I remember is being in the locker room. There’s a part that’s around a corner and more private, and I went there to meditate—had my headphones in anyway, you know—and get my body calmed down. I started the exercises and…” His expression looked like he was in pain. “Something weird happened. It didn’t go right.”
Katherine felt Toni tense behind her. Megan had her hand in a death grip.
“I was there… in my head.” Justin looked like he was on the verge of tears. “I was trying to walk backward, and I couldn’t.”
Let him speak. Don’t jump to conclusions. Let him tell you what happened.
His voice fell to barely a whisper. “It seems crazy, but it felt like someone was pushing me forward. Pushing me into my fear.”
There it was.
He leaned back in his seat. “That was the last thing I remember until you guys tackled me.”
Katherine had one more question. “Why did you have the gun, Justin?”
“I didn’t.” He shook his head and his eyes cleared. His expression was firm. More firm and clear than he’d been their entire meeting. All hints of uncertainty were gone. “I have never owned a gun. Never shot one. Never owned one. Never wanted to. You can ask any of my fraternity brothers. It was not my gun. I have no idea where it came from, no idea how it ended up stuck in my waistband, but it was not mine.”
Chapter 15
They went out for coffee after their visit with Justin McCabe, but all three of them were quiet.
Megan was solemn and fidgeting with a smooth stone she’d found on the beach the week before. It was one of the famous moonstones, worn smooth from the waves and rocks on the beach, its powdery white exterior rippling with striations as Megan flipped it between her fingers.
“I really wish you hadn’t promised that we were going to find out what happened,” Toni said. “Did you forget he tried to shoot us?”
Megan’s mouth dropped open. “Did you hear the same words I did? He apologized. He doesn’t remember
what happened. Something is going on with that boy.”
“I don’t care how out of it you are, you don’t do things without having that in your heart.” Toni leaned forward. “Without having imagined it in some way. And I don’t buy the thing about the gun at all.”
“I’m really curious about the gun,” Katherine said. “And I agree with you on one point.”
“Katherine!” Megan looked betrayed. “That young man—”
“He did have it in his mind,” she said. “Couldn’t you see it? His greatest fear was being in the same situation that killed his brother. However it happened, that fear was re-created in the most horrible way.”
“The thing he feared most became reality,” Toni said. “Like… a living nightmare or something.”
“Very much like that.”
Toni pursed her lips. “Like losing her horse might have been to that Sarah girl.”
Two students participating in the same clinical study that shouldn’t have had such an extraordinary effect. Katherine had been reading up on similar studies done at other universities and research institutions. While Professor Shaver and his colleagues’ research pushed a new direction in treating anxiety, none of it was experimental or risky. This was a very focused study that could potentially advance treatments, but it wasn’t a new drug. It was an established therapy.
Was the study simply a coincidence like Baxter had mentioned?
Megan said, “Sarah killed a horse. It may have been heartbreaking and awful, but she’s not in prison. Where does all this leave Justin? He’s still in jail.”
“And I don’t think he’s going to fight being there,” Katherine said. “His guilt was palpable.” She glanced at Toni, whose face still read skeptical. “I agree with Megan. Whatever happened that day, I don’t believe Justin McCabe would have intentionally shot up a gym.”
“So what do you think happened?” Toni asked.
“The most obvious is a dissociative episode, but I don’t think the meditation he’d done routinely would trigger that.”
“Maybe he was possessed,” Megan said. “It happened in the Bible.”
“I don’t think it happened here.” Toni lowered her voice and looked around. “If he was possessed, don’t you think fate or whatever gave us these powers would have made one of us capable of, like, driving out spirits or something?”
“I don’t know how any of this works,” Megan said. “Why do you think I’m doing so much research? Which you make fun of, I want to add. You think I’m an idiot. Don’t think I don’t see the eyes you give me.”
“I’m not going to deny that I think your packing tarot cards and sage and moonstones in your purse is ridiculous.” Toni nodded at Katherine. “The professor thinks it’s ridiculous too; she’s just more polite than me.”
“I don’t know that tarot is any more ridiculous than any other divination,” Katherine said. “And since I’m currently divining the future, I’m probably not in a place to judge.” She took a long drink of her iced coffee and looked at Toni. “Of the three of us, you’re likely the most equipped to do traditional psychic readings.”
Megan’s smile was smug. “Want to start a little shop on the beach, Toni?”
“Screw you,” she said. “I’m not a party trick.” She narrowed her eyes at Megan and stared.
A few seconds later, Megan’s mouth dropped open. “Are you trying to empath me?”
Toni broke eye contact and leaned back in her chair. “Been feeling kind of irritated by all this shit. Thought I’d share.”
The corner of Megan’s mouth turned up. “Honey, I have three teenagers. If you think I’m not wise to multiple levels of manipulation, you got another think coming.”
“Both of you need to calm down, and I need to think.” Katherine rubbed her temple. “Toni, the spreading irritation didn’t just hit Megan, and I have fewer natural shields. Please stop.”
“Oh.” Toni sat up. “Sorry, Katherine.”
“And Megan, I don’t think we can treat any of our… gifts as more powerful or important than the others. Toni has an extraordinary gift, but so do you. Telekinesis is arguably the most useful gift of the three.”
Megan shrugged. “It just seems weird to me.”
“How?”
“I mean…” She cocked her head. “I don’t want this to come across the wrong way, but of the three of us, my emotional intelligence is probably on the higher end.”
“Are you calling me unemotional?” Toni’s voice rose. Then she sat back and crossed her arms. “No, that’s probably fair.”
“I just think it’s strange.” Megan continued without answering Toni. “Don’t you think it’s strange? Why does Toni have super empathy and I have telekinesis? I mean, of all the things to feel like a party trick—”
“Telekinesis is—at its core—a connection to energy,” Katherine said. “That’s extraordinary. Isn’t that what you’ve been tapping into when you practice?”
Megan frowned. “I’m honestly not sure. It’s mostly trial and error. I guess, yeah, I have to feel a connection to things if I want to move them.” She ran a thumb over the moonstone. “Like this stone here? I bet I could make it fly across the room if I wanted to. It feels like another part of my hand now.”
Toni still had her arms crossed, but she looked slightly envious. “That would be so damn useful when I’m working.”
“Kinda complicated to explain to your guys though, right? Doesn’t matter.” Megan shrugged. “Like my mama said, you can wish in one hand and piss in the other and see which one fills up faster. Wishing doesn’t change a thing.”
Toni pursed her lips. “I feel like I’d like your mother.”
“If you want to put up with the lecture she’d give you about dressing” —Megan pulled out her air quotes— “‘like a man’ because your hair is short, and not having any babies by forty, I’m sure you’d get along great.”
“Wow. Really?”
Megan just shook her head and closed her eyes. “There’s a lot going on with that one. She’s an opinionated woman, that’s for sure.”
Katherine did not think she’d like Megan’s mother. She had her own opinionated matriarch to deal with and she didn’t need another. “Getting back to Justin, what do you think we could find out about the gun? Toni, do you think your cousin at the police department would know where it came from? They have numbers, right?”
“Guns?” The corner of Toni’s mouth twitched. “Yes. They have registration numbers. It’s a good question. I’ll ask him.”
“Do y’all think I need to be worried about my kids?” Megan asked. “I mean, we don’t know if there are more students out there like Justin. There could be loaded guns all over Moonstone Cove. I’ve been having Trina drive her brother and sister all over town, thinking it’s safe as houses, but if there could be random violence—”
“It’s probably as safe as it’s ever been.” Katherine sipped her coffee. “Random violence is, by definition, random. Not that random violence is truly random.”
Toni and Megan exchanged a look.
“There’s probably some math equation that explains it,” Toni said. “Do we want to ask?”
“You know we probably won’t understand it. I’m just going to tell my daughter to be extra careful.” Megan turned back to Katherine. “You ready to go?”
“I’m socially awkward,” Katherine said. “Not hearing impaired.”
“Mmmm.” Megan grabbed her purse and rose to her feet. “Sometimes it’s a little of both.”
“Pretty sure you completely tuned out that conversation we were having about football,” Toni said.
Katherine nodded. “Okay, you have me there.”
* * *
Katherine dropped Megan off at her house in Ferraro Hills before she made her way through the narrow, twisty streets of the village on her way to North Beach. Noticing the lack of lights in the entryway when she pulled into the driveway, she checked the time.
That was strange; Baxter
should have been home hours ago.
The front door was unlocked when she tried it. “Baxter?”
She could hear the ocean through french doors. She saw Baxter sitting on the back deck, looking out over the sea. She set her purse down and walked out to the deck. “Baxter?”
He turned and held his hand to her. “Darling.”
She’d known her husband for twenty-two years and could read every single expression. “What happened?”
He took a deep breath and waited for Katherine to sit next to him. “Do you remember Abigail Chung?”
“Your grad student from last year? Yes, of course.” She and Baxter usually had at least one nice dinner a year and invited all their graduate students to the house to eat, drink wine, and relax. Abigail was a brilliant mathematician from the Seattle area who had stuck in Katherine’s memory for her wonderful sense of humor and being a fellow Star Wars enthusiast. “What happened to Abby?”
Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. She could tell by the weariness in Baxter’s expression.
“She and Margaret’s grad student Shauna were sharing an apartment until just a few months ago. Abby moved in with her boyfriend after that. Very nice young man; I met him months ago.” Baxter rubbed his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Shauna called Margaret today to tell us that Abby is in the hospital and Mario is too. That Abby… attacked Mario with a knife.”
Katherine felt her stomach drop. “No.”
“He’s alive, but he is quite injured. Apparently, after she attacked Mario, she turned the knife on herself.”
No, no, no, no, no. Katherine shook her head. The girl she knew was funny and excited about geometric proofs and Jedi lore. She was a little shy until she got to know you; then she blossomed and had the most brilliant smile. “Baxter, there has to be a mistake.”
He rubbed a hand over his eyes. “She called the police. She told Shauna that she woke up in her own blood and thought someone must have broken into their home and attacked them. But the police are saying that there are no signs of a break-in. That Abby’s fingerprints are the only ones on the knife and that it’s quite evident from the scene that she was the perpetrator. I suppose from the blood evidence or something like that?”
Runaway Fate: Moonstone Cove Book One Page 12
