by R. M. Lynn
I nodded and gave him a small smile. “I promise. I don’t feel right about leaving Stella anyway. I’m on the verge of a breakthrough, I think.”
Colt rolled his eyes but gave me a quick hug before giving a nod to the others and heading outside. Dash gave me a kiss to the cheek before assuring once more that I was okay. Maddox eyed me up and down, his eyes searching mine with his lips frowning, before following Dash out, and Logan grabbed my hands with a shake of her head.
“You better spill everything later,” she warned and followed the others out, closing the big door behind her.
I let out a breath and headed upstairs with a sprinkled donut for Stella, knowing she hadn’t come downstairs all morning. Thankfully, she took it from me when I offered and didn’t lift her head at all while she ate it. I lounged back on my bed and sighed as I tipped my face up toward the ceiling. I looked back down when I smelled nail polish and saw Stella painting her nails a deep purple color. I watched as she finished, blew on her nails and inspected them while holding her hand out.
“I like the color,” I said quietly.
Her eyes flicked to me, and after a long stretch of silence, she whispered, “I think it’s too dark for my skin tone. I don’t tan in the sun.”
I nodded. “I usually burn pretty bad, but I usually get darker later. The guys and Logan, they tan so easily. I’m jealous.” I cocked my head slightly and glanced at her backpack. “Got any other colors?”
A ghost of smile came across her lips as she nodded and mumbled, “Want me to paint yours?”
Instead of responding, I scurried out of my bed and crawled onto hers. I was pretty sure I heard her actually giggle, and I finally felt like I was really making some headway with my new friend. After my nails were painted a simple white, we lounged around and watched old reruns of America’s Next Top Model on my laptop. After a few episodes, we heard the front door open and bursts of laughter and chatter filled the downstairs area. Closing my laptop, I looked to Stella ruefully.
“Why don’t you come down with me?” I asked softly. “You can’t avoid Colt forever. You do live with him.”
She rolled her gray eyes. “Yeah, don’t remind me. It’s not by choice, okay?” She let out a breath and looked at me with some sort of emotion in her eyes that I couldn’t quite read. “Whatever he’s said… He doesn’t know me, and he only has his own perception. Trust me, if I had anywhere else to go, I would already be there. I only came on this trip because Angela has done a lot for me, and I wanted to appease her. Make her happy. She likes the idea that her son and I could possibly be friends. Neither of us are interested in that, so it’s easier just to keep my distance.”
“Don’t worry. Colt’s just overly sensitive, and he doesn’t do well with change clearly. I’m not listening to his doubts about you,” I assured her quietly. “But he is my friend. Has been for a long time. Just… don’t hurt him.”
She didn't say anything, so I took it as my cue to leave. Dash twirled me around when I hit the downstairs, his arms tight around me and his grin against my neck. You’d think he hadn’t seen me in days, and the thought made me laugh as he put me down on my feet again.
“We got some food,” he told he with a grin and jerked his chin toward the kitchen where bags of fast food sat while all the guys dug in with Logan leading the pack. “Want me to grab you something?”
Maddox’s eyes locked onto mine from his place near the island, and I murmured lowly, “Um, no, that’s okay. I might just go take a nap.”
Dash frowned slightly but gave my arm a squeeze. “You want to take my room? It’s down here, but it’s the furthest from the living room. Plus, with Stella and Logan in your room, you can have some privacy.”
“Thanks, Dash, I appreciate it,” I muttered with a sigh.
“You’re okay? For real?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Do me a favor, though?”
He nodded with a small smile. “Sure, Daze, anything.”
“Bring up some food to Stella? She’s actually pretty cool. I know Colt might be mad, but…”
“Yeah, okay. I can do that.”
I smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his jaw before heading down the hall to his room at the furthest end of the house. I crawled under the covers and stared at the wall until my eyelids grew heavy. I woke up when the sun was down and a knock at the door had my eyes opening.
I sat up, rubbing my eyes and yawned out, “Come in.”
“Hey,” Maddox muttered, slipping into the room and closing the door behind him. “Dinner’s on the table. Some of the guys just grilled some burgers and hot dogs. I mean it was on one of those indoor griddle type things but still. You hungry? You didn’t eat lunch.”
“Yeah, I suppose,” I told him and nibbled my bottom lip as I looked at the floor in front of him.
“Daisy?” I looked up at him, and he ran a hand through his hair. “Are we okay? I mean… I feel weird about…” He shook his head. “Yesterday, we were good, you know? Really good, and today, you’ve barely spoken to me. If I hurt you or if you regret what happened, I’m sorry. I just–”
“I don’t regret it,” I insisted quietly and stood up from the bed. “I could never regret it. I asked you to be my first for a reason.”
“Things just feel pretty fucked up between us,” he forces out and shakes his head.
“It’s my fault,” I told him in return. “It’s really all my fault.”
“I don’t understand. I did everything you wanted. I honored our deal, and I… Not to say that I didn’t enjoy partaking because I did. A lot. But…” He runs a hand through his hair again. “I don’t know why you’re mad at me.”
I threw my hands up in slight irritation. “I’m not mad at you, Maddox! I’m mad at myself.”
“What for?”
I sucked in a breath and remembering what Stella said, I quickly got out, “Because it’s all wrong now. I shouldn’t have asked you to hook up with me. I shouldn’t have asked you to even kiss me let alone take my virginity.”
I was startled by the flash of hurt on his face, and his jaw ticked before he muttered, “It sounds a little like you regret it.”
“No, no,” I insisted softly and stepped closer to him. “Maddox, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Daze. That’s why I hate when we’re weird like this, and I–”
“No, Maddox, I mean… I…” I took his hand and walked us to sit down on the edge of the bed. I looked down at my hands as I folded them in my lap. Taking a breath, I forced myself to continue. Like Stella said, there was no going back. “Just listen, okay? I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, and it was a mistake to ask you to agree to the stupid arrangement because I’d never be able to taper down my feelings after it all. For years, I just buried them, and I should’ve known it’d be impossible to keep them there even after just a kiss. And now… everything is ruined, and it’s all my fault.”
“Daisy, I…” Maddox mumbled, and I forced my eyes to his just as he shook his head weakly. “You can’t. I… I didn’t know.”
“I know you didn’t know. And it was unfair of me to ask you to take my firsts when you didn’t know how I felt about you deep down.”
“Fuck,” Maddox snapped and stood up from the bed like it was on fire, his hands running through his hair roughly. “Fuck, Daisy. Why?”
“Why what?” I whispered and bit my lip to try and stop my eyes from tearing up.
“You can’t be in love with me, Daisy. What the fuck?” he retorted angrily and closed his eyes briefly, tipping his face up to the ceiling.
I felt sudden anger creep through me, and I stood up next. “Look, I get it. I threw this at you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you feel like I was deceitful in any way. It was never my intention. I was honest when I told you why I wanted to give you my firsts. You really are the greatest guy I know. I guess I hoped I could just keep my feelings at bay, but I can’t. Not after everything.”
“Daisy, I can’t. Don’t you get it?�
�� He shook his head at me, his eyes storming. “I have no idea what I’m doing after graduation. I could be in California this time next year, and then what? I know you want to go to GCU, and I know you’ve probably already accepted your admission there. If I go to Stanford, then what?” I opened my mouth to counter, but he shook his head at me again. “No, no, don’t. Even if I stick around here, even if we gave it a shot, what happens if we break up? We’re just not friends anymore, and I lose you? You’ve been the one constant in my life, Daisy. The one thing I’ve always had, and I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend.” He rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair again. “You can’t love me, Daisy.”
“I’m sorry, but I do. Okay? And, unfortunately, we’re past friends now. I know you feel something else, too. Last night, for example,” I spoke, feeling desperate for him to understand and possibly feel the same thing. “It happened twice. If you didn’t feel anything, then why did you do it again?”
“What do you want me to say, Daisy?” Maddox snapped and threw his hands up. “You were willing, and I wasn’t exactly in a position to say no. It’d happen if it were anybody.”
“Fine, Maddox,” I whispered, hating myself when I felt tears sting my eyes and my lip begin to tremble slightly. “We’re not just friends anymore. And I take blame for it. I shouldn’t have asked to make the agreement in the first place. But we’re too far gone to go back, and I can’t make myself bury my feelings anymore.”
“C’mon, Daisy,” he muttered weakly and stepped closer now so our chests brushed. “We are friends. We can go back to the way it was. We agreed we would. Please. I need you in my life, Daisy.”
“I know, and I need you, too. But it’s different now whether we like it or not.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. Maybe we just need some time.”
“Some time for what? Daisy, c’mon. I… Even if I did feel things for you, I can’t risk losing you. And I can't the distractions right now. I really want you to understand.”
“I do,” I insisted quietly and grabbed his hands. “I really do. Because I don’t want to lose you either. And I understand you have a lot on your plate right now. Okay? I just need to figure out everything going through my head. It’s all out there now, Maddox. Everything’s out on the table, and it didn’t exactly go the way I’d hoped. Not that it’s your fault. I can’t make you feel things if they’re not there. I just… I need time.”
“Okay,” he finally muttered. “I’m sorry, Daisy. I really am. And I hope you don’t regret anything because I don’t. Not then, not now, and not ever.”
I held it together until he left me alone in the room again. When the door clicked closed behind him, I laid down and cried into Dash’s pillow. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind. Around nine, Dash came in. I knew everyone had to go to bed early because of the flight the next morning. Before I could try and cover my red, blotchy, tear-stained face, Dash took notice and rushed to the side of the bed, grabbing my hands away from my face.
“What happened?” he whispered and brushed my hair away from my face. “Why’re you crying?”
“I can’t tell you,” I choked out and hid my face in his pillow. “I just need to go home.”
“Baby, c’mon,” he murmured and sat up on the edge of the bed, stroking my back. “We’re leaving tomorrow. It’ll be okay. Are you and Mac fighting? When he came out of here earlier, he looked about as crushed as you do now.”
“Fighting… I mean, no. It’s more than that, I guess.” I sat up and wiped my face with my sleeve, sucking in a breath and exhaling slowly. “I’m in love with him.”
He gave me a sympathetic smile that made my heart feel as if it were splitting down the middle, and he gave my thigh a gentle squeeze. “I know, Daze.”
“You know?”
“Yeah, babe, it’s kind of obvious. You’ve favored him since we were kids.”
I bit my lip and sighed. “Well, apparently everyone knew but him.”
Dash’s eyes widened slightly. “You told him? Shit, Daze. So, I take it he didn’t exactly respond well to this?”
“He said he can’t be in a relationship with me because he’s afraid to lose me, and he's worried about the distraction with football and stuff.”
“Well, I mean, that’s pretty understandable, right? What would happen if you broke up?”
I nodded but then shook my head. “Yes, I get that. But the thing is, after everything we did, it’s a little too late. We’ve already crossed the line. We did even before I told him the truth about how I felt. Our friendship is effectively ruined.” At that, the tears began to fall all over again, and I struggled to wipe them away as more slid down my cheeks. “I ruined it.”
“What do you mean, babe?” Dash murmured and stroked my back. “How could you have ruined it? So, you told him you love him. But now it’s out there, and you can both move on.”
‘We… we…”
“I don’t need to know the details,” Dash interrupted and shook his head as he glanced at his lap. “You hooked up?” His eyes found mine again, and I simply nodded. “That’s what you meant then about crossing the line.” He was quiet for a moment before letting out a curse. “Shit, Daze, what were you guys thinking? I mean, what did you guys think would happen?”
It only made me cry harder because he was right. I was naïve and maybe a little too hopeful at the possible outcome of all of this. The young girl in me had hoped all along that he’d realize he had feelings for me, too, and we’d just live happily ever after. But those didn’t happen every day, not in real life. Maddox and I had a good thing going with our friendship for years, and I threw it all away because I was selfish.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he whispered and hugged me to his side, letting me cry into his shirt. “It’s going to be okay, alright? It’ll get figured out. You guys will be okay.”
“I’m sorry, Dash. I ruined everything. My relationship with him and the dynamic of the group. I never should’ve done any of this.”
He simply hugged me tighter to him, but I knew he had to be upset with me. There was a reason you didn’t sleep with your friends and ruining the dynamic of the friend group was a big reason as to why.
“It’s going to be okay, Daisy,” Dash assured me softly, but I could tell he wasn’t so sure either.
◆◆◆
I glanced down from the ceiling above my bed when Dash burst through the door. I’d been sitting in the room for a couple hours, ever sense the last conversation with Daisy. My eyes would shift from the ceiling to the TV without actually watching what was on the screen. I couldn’t get her words out of my head. I’m in love with you, she’d said. I focused back on Dash to ignore the words in my head. His jaw ticked like he was pissed the fuck off, and I scowled at him as I sat up straight against the headboard.
“What did you do?” he asked in a too loud of a voice.
“It seems like you already know,” I countered lowly. “I’m assuming you talked to her.”
“Why would you hook up with her?”
Colt suddenly shot his head through the threshold of the door as he was walking by and interjected with, “Hook up with who? What happened?”
I rolled my eyes and muttered a curse as he came into the room, and Dash slammed the door closed behind him. Dash glared at me like he was waiting for me to explain myself.
“I don’t have anything to say,” I snapped lowly. “It’s none of your damn business.”
“I’d disagree on account of the fact that I just spent the last twenty minutes holding her while she cried,” Dash shot back, and I ignored the ache in my chest at the fact that she was so upset and I couldn’t be the one to hold her. “Why did you do it?”
I threw my hands up, letting them fall back into my lap, and I bit out, “Because she asked me to! I don’t know what else you want me to say. She asked me, and I said yes.”
“I’m lost here, guys. Why’re we mad at Maddox?” Colt wanted to know and ran a hand through his hair. “Daisy’s the one cr
ying?”
“Because he fucked her,” Dash answered angrily, and Colt flinched at the response.
“Is that what she said?” I gritted out. “That I fucked her? Like I used her or some shit?”
“Not in so many words, but I have to assume you did. I mean, girls don’t get that upset over a simple hand job, you know?” Dash shook his head. “She said you hooked up. I can connect the dots. What were you guys doing? I don’t understand why you did it.”
“I already told you why,” I shot back and sat up straight. “She asked me to.”
“Why the fuck would you say yes?” Colt demanded to know. “Are you kidding? Do you have any idea what you just did? You’ve successfully ruined your friendship, and on top of that? What’re we supposed to do? Daisy’s our friend, too, and if you guys aren’t speaking… I mean, shit, man, c’mon. Our group is going to be demolished.”
I shook my head. “Regardless of what happens with me and her, I’d never ask you to cut her out of your life. In fact, I’d hate if that happened.”
“It puts us all in a weird spot, man,” Dash added lowly.
“Why did you do it?” Colt asked for the millionth time. “I mean, really, why? You could’ve said no. If this was some weird offer or whatever, you could’ve said no.”
“You’re right, I could’ve said no. I guess I’d always had some sort of fascination or curiosity about what it’d be like. So, I agreed. She wanted me to… She said it was a way for her to take control of everything, and I figured it’d be a win-win for the both of us.”
“You’d figured you’d be able to just go back to being friends like your dick wasn’t fully acquainted with her pussy?” Dash retorted, anger rising with every word he said.
Colt shook his head next. “You think you’re the only one? I can’t speak for Dash, but I know I’ve definitely thought about it, too. Did I ever act on it? No, because it fucks everything up for everybody. Case in point.”
“I was selfish,” I muttered and shrugged weakly. “What else do you want me to say? I know I should’ve said no. But I was curious, and she wanted my help. I wanted to selfishly be her firsts because even though I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next year, at least I’ll have that.”
