by C. S. Wilde
Ava grumbled deep in her throat. She was certain her selflessness would someday be her doom.
Justine took advantage of her distraction and increased the mental pressure on Ava’s wall, but she reinforced it just in time.
“It’s normal, you know,” Justine said carelessly. “You’ve been through a lot. I’d be worried if you were the same angel.”
“True.” A cold shiver spread down Ava’s spine. “Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t know who or what I’m seeing.” It scared her, glaring into the unknown beyond her own eyes, but Ava kept this to herself.
Justine leaned forward and laid a hand on hers. “You went through severe trauma. Watching Liam die, killing an Archangel … Just give yourself time to adapt, okay?”
Yes, time. That’s all Ava needed. It had to be.
Justine straightened her posture, fixing herself in a perfect meditational position. Her mental drill kept trying to pierce Ava’s wall. “So, when are you taking me to the Legion?”
“Once I’m able to get there myself.” She blew air through her lips and leaned back on her hands, looking at the ceiling in a clear cue for a time-out. Justine’s mental drill stopped. “Being Ezra’s mate is—”
“—a stupid idea?” She gave Ava a knowing smile.
“Demanding. Assisting him with the Order and helping him recover takes all of my time. I assumed I would have been able to see Liam by now.” Her fingers pressed the bridge of her nose. “I hate that I haven’t.”
As one of the three heads of the Order, Ezra had to attend endless meetings. Ava stood by his side through them all, because that’s what mates were expected to do—support their companions. Not only that, but throughout their days, Ava constantly reminded Ezra of the angel he used to be.
Slowly, Talahel’s cruel ideas and crippling doubt began receding within the Messenger the way a virus leaves its host.
“Do you think Ezra is ready to learn about the Legion?” Justine asked.
“Soon.” Pride swelled in Ava’s chest. “All he needed was a push in the right direction. He’s doing remarkably well.”
She rejoiced at the memory of Ezra, at his wide smile and peaceful blue eyes. The kindest angel she knew was coming back from the madness that had nearly engulfed him.
Justine frowned at her. Her friend could always read her expressions like a book.
Ava cleared her throat, sensing Justine’s unspoken question. “I’m proud of him, that’s all.”
“Hmm, sure.” Justine squinted at her. “I suppose it’s no surprise Mr. Do Good recovered so quickly, especially with his dear Ava by his side.”
“Who’s this Mr. Do Good you speak of?” Ezra’s playful tone came from the entrance.
He was leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed and a charming grin stamped on his face.
The Messenger wore his usual silver bodysuit and white kilt. Today his hair was wrapped in a high bun that complimented the hard lines of his features. His sleeveless clothing revealed thick biceps and strong muscles that tapered down to corded forearms.
Standing this way, he reminded Ava of a silver panther about to prowl.
Talahel’s wickedness had devoured Ezra from his edges, but after the last couple of weeks, he began recovering. He didn’t resemble a sickly skeleton anymore, and the dark circles under his eyes had disappeared. All because Ava showed Ezra how she saw him—kind, merciful. Honorable.
Gradually, he became the Messenger he used to be, the man Ava had loved for one hundred years.
“Oh, no one in particular.” Justine smiled at Ava as she stood up, fixing her light-gray kilt. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go check on the Captain.”
A sting pierced Ava’s chest. “Could you tell her I said hello?”
“I will, like every other time.” She gave Ava a tight-lipped nod. “Let’s hope she’s responsive today.”
Ava stood and trapped Justine in a grateful hug. “Thank you, my friend.” She leaned closer to Justine’s ear and whispered, “Being here without you wouldn’t have been easy.”
Justine stepped away and grabbed her chin gently, looking up at Ava. “Even the best of Dominions need to be watched over, too.”
“Excuse me!” An angry voice blasted from the entrance. Its owner hurried past Ezra without noticing him. “What is an Erudite doing in a room reserved for ascended angels?”
The man had a bland complexion and bland frame. His hair and eyes were a dull gray-brown. Dominion Hawke. A stuck-up angel who followed the Order’s rules to the letter.
Ava ground her teeth but forced herself to calm down. “Dominion Hawke, Erudite Dubois was under my supervision—”
“I do not care, Dominion Lightway,” the angel snapped. “The rules are clear, and—”
“The rules can be broken if the Messenger says so.” Ezra stepped forward, his tone placid as water and hard as stone. “Do remember, Dominion Hawke, that as a child of the Goddess of Love and Life, you answer to me. And that the angel standing before you is my mate.”
The Dominion blinked at Ezra. “My Messenger, you are known for your kindness, but also for ignoring rules that should not be broken.” He waved at Ava. “When Dominion Lightway was a Guardian, she reported directly to you. That’s blasphemous enough. Now she’s bringing lower angels into ascended space? That’s preposterous!”
Ezra stepped forward, looming over Hawke. “I will remind you again that I am your chief angel, and that I could send you to any of the Order’s offices in the entire world. Aiding humans in areas stricken by war, famine, and cruelty is a noble job that can destroy an angel. I’ve watched many of my peers go mad from all the desperation and pain …”
Hawke shrank under Ezra’s towering presence. “M-my Messenger, I could never—”
“So I ask again. Will you allow,” Ezra sneered because Hawke was in no position to allow anything, “Erudite Dubois to train with Dominion Lightway?”
“Of course.” Hawke swallowed dryly. “But even your mate must abide by the Order’s rules.”
Something inside Ava cracked. She closed her fists so hard that her nails bit her palm. Being diplomatic, an important skill for a high-angel’s mate, was becoming harder with each passing day.
Run. She wanted to run away from here.
“Do not forget you were a third-tier once, Dominion Hawke,” Ava argued instead of punching him, even if the latter felt much more compelling. “We’re all children of the Gods, regardless of how the Order deems us.”
Ezra shot her a stern look. “Anger is oozing from you in fiery waves, my mate. Control it. Set the example.”
“But I want Dominion Hawke to know how his lack of kindness angers me,” she countered, her vision turning red. “A second-tier is no better than a third-tier. Lower angels, ascended, we’re all the same.”
“We are not the same. The rules are clear,” Dominion Hawke snapped. “Respect the institution!”
“Enough!” She barked and took one furious step forward.
Heavens, she would smack a punch on his face and she wouldn’t regret it. Not even a bit.
Hawke stepped back, now glaring between her and Ezra, a silent plea for the Messenger to intervene. But Ezra did nothing. His attention was trapped on Ava, his blue eyes shooting disappointment at her.
Well, Gods forgive her for not being as composed and perfect as Ezra. Ava was truly sorry she had abandoned Liam and the Legion to be here, arguing with a blind, stuck-up Dominion who didn’t know right from wrong in this crooked Order. And she was sorry if her anger disappointed Ezra. No, in fact, she wasn’t sorry at all.
She simply didn’t care.
Justine stepped in her way and cupped her cheeks. “There are times when amicability and patience can be a virtue, dear.” She turned to Dominion Hawke. “We’ll be sure to abide by the rules.” With that, Justine winked at Ava and left the room.
“I must train with my mate,” Ezra stated dryly. “Unless you also have an issue with that, Hawke?”
“No, my Messenger,” Hawke countered, resembling a scared deer more than a man. “Thank you, my Messenger.” And with that, he bowed and left, closing the glass door behind him.
“This was insubordination.” Ava pointed at the entrance. “You should punish him.”
Ezra watched her with a pained expression as if her words physically hurt him. “I’m not that kind of commander, Ava, and you’re not that kind of angel. Just breathe.”
Gods, he was right. Ava inhaled and exhaled deeply, but her fury didn’t wane.
“Besides, Hawke isn’t wrong.” Ezra shrugged. Loose strands of light silver hair escaped from his high-bun and graced his face. “We do tend to disobey the rules, don’t we?”
“The rules are nonsense!” she shouted, still trying to control her breathing.
He scanned her with calculating eyes. “You say I should be more like Talahel? Subjugate those under my command to my every will?”
This silenced the turmoil inside her at once, leaving her mind awfully empty.
“No. I just …” She blew an exasperated breath. “It’s not fair. No wonder Talahel introduced his wickedness into the Order. Our ways are not of the Gods, Ezra. They never have been.”
Erudites, Guardians, and Warriors received little support from the Order and so did the Selfless precincts. Ascended angels, however, had everything they needed.
What made it worse was that lower angels were content in their misery, like Ava had once been. They didn’t know how badly they were treated because they didn’t have access to the world of Dominions, Virtues, and Archangels. They couldn’t demand justice if they were unaware of the inequalities.
But Ava had ascended. Now she knew, and not being able to change things killed her.
“It isn’t fair,” Ezra said, stepping closer to her. “But it’s the way. It always has been. I’ve tried to change it, but I can’t do it alone. The Sword and the Throne need to agree, and yet the Throne is trapped in the old ways. The Sword … well, from what you’ve told me, he’s a monster Hells-bent on destroying mankind and the In-Betweens.” He lifted her chin gently. “One battle at a time, Ava.”
For a split second, she lost herself in Ezra’s calm blue eyes. They brought her peace; the antithesis of Liam’s fire.
Her former partner flashed in her mind: those piercing green eyes, his boyish grin. Sorrow stung her from inside because Ava had failed him as his Guardian. As his friend and lover, too.
She shook her head and pulled back from Ezra’s grip.
“So many battles to fight …” Ava rubbed her forehead and sighed dispiritedly.
“One day, once we’ve handled Talahel, we’ll change the Order. I promise.” Ezra shot her a charming grin. “You’re stubborn enough to do it.”
“I came here to defeat Talahel, but there’s so much more that needs fixing.” She worried her bottom lip. “Sometimes I feel as if I’m going nowhere, no matter how hard I try.”
The last few weeks had passed in a blur of hearings with angels who disagreed with this or that, Archangels who demanded more funds, outraged Virtues complaining about books’ missing pages, and Guardians who wanted to help more humans—or better yet, the Dominions in charge of them voiced the Guardians’ demands since lower angels weren’t allowed in the hearings.
Meanwhile, Talahel was still free to smite the In-Betweens without mercy, the Legion still needed all the help it could get, and Liam was still a demon.
Suddenly, breathing became very hard.
“Do you remember the first time we met?” Ezra asked as he cupped her cheeks. He inhaled deeply, a cue for her to do the same.
She inhaled and held her breath, then exhaled.
Ezra’s soothing stare helped. His peace, the peace she was here to help save, wrapped around her completely.
It felt like a victim saving the savior, but this was one of Ezra’s beauties; his capacity to care beyond himself, to help a drowning man even if it meant taking his place.
Ezra had set the example Ava followed through her entire life as a Guardian. And for a moment that passed all too quickly, she wondered if this was the true reason she was here— so Ezra could save her as much as she saved him.
“Yes,” she said quietly. “I remember.”
The first time Ava stepped into the Order’s main hall, she couldn’t believe her eyes.
“There really are three Gods,” she muttered as she stared at the marbled statues carved on the enormous wall before her.
Her mentor, Dominion Vera Evestar, a thin, short woman who wore her chocolate hair always in a high bun, turned back to Ava. “Well, you’re standing here, reborn as a Guardian.” Vera’s brown wings wiggled as if to point out that she was also an angel. “None of us has ever seen the Gods though, so maybe there’s only one. Maybe there’s a thousand. Who knows? It’s all the same principle in the end, isn’t it?” She waved her hand dismissively. “Be kind to thy neighbor, blah, blah, blah.”
Ava giggled. Vera didn’t look or act like the angels she’d read about in the holy books.
As they crossed the gargantuan hall made of white marbled walls peppered by golden vines, Ava muttered, “Is this the gateway to Heaven?” She gasped. “I mean, the Heavens?”
Plural. She had to become accustomed to that.
Vera shrugged. “It’s the closest you and I will ever get to them.”
Memories of Ava’s past life swirled in her mind. She wanted to perform the Gods work, to help humans in pain, but she missed the children from the orphanage. Letting go of her life proved harder than she assumed, but Ava didn’t wish to complain. It didn’t seem a very angelic thing to do.
Lost in those thoughts, she bumped against a hard surface.
A strong chest.
“My apologies,” she started before losing her speech to the most beautiful creature she’d ever seen.
His hair was moonlight silver, his kind eyes the color of the sky, and when he smiled down at her with perfect white teeth framed by a squared jaw, Ava’s knees wobbled.
Ezra kept his attention locked on Ava as he handed some papers to Vera. “A new assignment,” he said, his piercing blue gaze still trapped on Ava’s. He bowed his head slightly. “Welcome, Guardian.” He gave her his strong hand. “I’m Ezraphael, the Messenger.”
“And my boss,” Vera added, her arms crossed. “Even though I trained the bastard.”
He frowned at her with a grin. “You could’ve ascended to Messenger a long time ago, esteemed mentor.”
Vera waved her hand in the air. “You know I’m not made for that. I prefer instructing the newbies. It’s a lot more fun.”
“I-I’m Ava,” she broke their interaction, her voice a shy whisper as she shook Ezraphael’s hand.
“A beautiful name.” His curious frown told Ava she intrigued him, but perhaps she was mistaken. This must be how he looked at all the new angels. “It’s fine to miss your old life, by the way.”
Not her old life, just the children from the orphanage. She hadn’t seen little boy Charlie since her death. Was he well fed and healthy? Were they all? And her mother, Gods … Longing and sadness crashed against Ava at once. Without meaning to, she began to cry.
Vera had told her that unless the people she had known were assigned to her, they shouldn’t be a concern. But Ava couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about them. Wasn’t this why she became a Guardian in the first place? To help and care for others?
Within seconds Ezra had Ava in his strong arms, warmth pulsing from him as he laid a hand on the back of her head. “It will get better, this I promise you.” Golden wisps of light coated his words, seeping into Ava’s skin, and slowly her tears waned. A sense of fulfillment and purpose coursed through her.
Vera cleared her throat. “I’m taking her to initiation now.”
“Let your pain give you strength.” Ezra kissed Ava’s forehead. “Let your light shine, Guardian. I’m here for you, and Vera is the best mentor you could have. You will be fine.”
> Vera rolled her eyes. “Ever the charmer, Ezzie.”
He gave Vera a chiding glance before letting Ava go.
She prayed he would hold her again, but instead, Ezra stepped aside and showed them the way.
As they walked away, Ava glanced back at him, her heart beating madly and her skin flushing. The encouraging smile Ezra gave her beamed with love and care.
“Be careful, girl,” Vera said. “That smile can cause wars.”
But the Messenger kept his promise. As the days passed, Ezra looked after Ava, and it didn’t take long for her to become the best Guardian in the Order under his and Vera’s guidance.
Eventually, Ezra requested that Ava report to him directly.
When she informed Vera during one of their tea breaks, she expected her mentor to be upset. Instead, Vera smirked in that knowing way of hers, a wise owl trapped inside her delicate features. “Of course I’m not upset. I gave him the idea.”
Ava frowned. “Why? Did I disappoint you, esteemed mentor?”
Vera tapped her cheek gently. “Far from that, Ava. But a lower angel reporting directly to the Messenger?” Her eyes glinted with mischief. “It’s a wonderful thing and something only our Ezzie could achieve. The Order desperately needs this.” Vera must’ve sensed Ava’s confusion because she added, “Once you ascend, you’ll understand.”
Ezra’s hands still cupped Ava’s cheeks, his gaze trapping hers. “I’m here for you, as I was on that day. I’ll always fight with and for you.”
She chuckled. “That is a very Messenger thing to say.”
“I had a good teacher.” He winked at her. “I like to think I earned the name?”
“You absolutely did.” She laid her hands atop his. “Thank you. I needed this, my friend.”
He winced at the word and released her as if Ava’s skin had burnt him.
What Ezra wanted, Ava could not give. And he accepted that, agreeing they would become mates even though she would never be with him in a romantic way.
Ava loved Ezra, she truly did. But she couldn’t love him the way he wanted her to.
