From what Alec had told me of previous dances, how the gym’s bleachers were pushed to the side and how everything was set up, including the DJ and his projection and speakers, yes. I needed him to come, just like I needed Xander there, too.
“Yes.” I reached for his arm, squeezing it gently.
He let out a sigh. “You’re lucky I sort of like you.”
“Sort of?”
Alec grinned. “Okay, more than sort of. I like you a lot, El. A lot. More than I’ve ever liked anyone before.” His words, while they were not extremely eloquent, made me all warm and fuzzy. Happy, too. I liked hearing it.
Pulling up to my driveway, he asked, “You sure I can’t come in? Meet the folks?”
I hadn’t told him the details about my mother, so I let the folks comment slide as I got out of the car. “I’m sure. I’ll text you later, okay?” Bending down, I met his eyes. “Thank you for today, Alec.”
“Hey, you know I’m always down for spending long periods of time with you.”
I told him goodbye and got my dress out. I headed inside, only to find a note on the kitchen table. My dad and Diane had gone to the store, they’d be home soon, blah, blah. I supposed I could’ve invited Alec in, but that was okay. I needed to call Leah anyway.
Taking the dress up to my room, I hung it in the closet, quite thrilled with my purchase. It was the most expensive thing I’d ever bought, but it’d be so worth it. Even with my bra straps, I’d looked smoking. I closed my closet and dropped my wallet on my desk, reaching for my phone next.
Meandering to my bed, I was about to dial Leah’s number when I nearly sat on a box. A box that had certainly not been there before. I set my phone down, turning to study the box. It was…well, it was obviously a shoe box, but why? Who could have…
I opened it, eyebrows furrowing. A note sat atop the shoes in the box, scribbled in large, decorative letters. I knew who wrote the note without reading it, but still, I found myself reading it anyways.
Elle, these are the shoes I wore when I married your father. I think we’re the same size. They’re yours if you want them.
Diane. Fucking Diane. My mind flashed back, to the day when I first gazed upon her oh-so-lovely handwriting.
Mom had said there was mail for me, but she neglected to tell me who it was from. It came in a fancy envelope, addressed to me and not my mom, which I thought was odd. Who did I know who would ever send me something so pretty and—I sniffed it—scented with strawberries?
My mom was in the kitchen, cooking dinner, and I sat in the living room on the couch, the TV on across from me, on some rerun of a sitcom I’d seen before. The letters were carefully handwritten, and in the pit of my stomach, I had the feeling I already knew who this was from.
I opened it, reading it, feeling the anger rising in my body like a storm surge, a tidal wave I could not fight. It was a fucking invitation to my dad’s wedding to Diane, addressed to me. They wanted me to come. How thoughtful.
Not.
My mom came into the living room. She’d been three years sober now, and she had two steady jobs. One full time, one part-time. She was looking a little thin, her eyes a bit sunken in, but at least she wasn’t always passed out on the couch anymore. She’d moved on from Dad, although she swore she would never date again. Me? I still hated him for what he did to us.
“It’s an invitation to Dad’s wedding,” I muttered, my fingers holding onto the thick paper so hard it started to crinkle.
Mom waited a moment before sitting beside me, running her hand down my back in the comforting way only a mother could. “Are you going to go?”
“Go? Why would I go?” I didn’t bother to hide the annoyance in my voice. “Why would I want to watch him marry the woman he cheated on you with? They’ll just end up getting divorced too, when he cheats on her once she hits thirty-five.” Never in my life had I sounded like such an angsty teenager, but I was one, and in this moment, I didn’t care.
“Don’t say that,” Mom spoke calmly, way too calm, given the circumstances. “You never know what’ll happen, Elle. She might be the love of your father’s life.”
“And you weren’t?”
Mom only shrugged. “I do think you owe it to your father to be there, to support him, but I won’t make you go. The decision is up to you. It’s been years since you’ve seen him. He wants you there on his big day.”
How could she be so calm about all of this? How could she not want to burn the invitation in my hands like I wanted to?
“I hate her, and I hate him.” I was aware I sounded stubborn and stupid, but I didn’t care. It was the truth, and I would hate them until the day I died. Hopefully they would die first.
“Remember what you talked about with your therapist? Forgiveness—”
“I can’t forgive them,” I said. “I won’t.” I got up, went into the kitchen, and tossed the invitation straight into the trash, fuming. My skin felt hot, like my anger was making me red. “I’m not going.”
Mom didn’t push it, didn’t push me. At the time, I’d thought that was that. The end of it. I thought I’d never have to worry about my dad or Diane ever again.
The joke was clearly on me.
My eyes flicked from the note to the shoes. I’d seen their wedding pictures in passing, mostly because they were hanging all around the house, where the photos of my dad and my mom used to be. I couldn’t not see them, unless I was blind. I knew her dress had been extravagant, but shoes rarely made it in any pictures.
They were gorgeous. Still sparkling and pristine after all these years. I picked up one of the heels, running my thumb along the silver heel. These were probably the prettiest pair of heels I’d ever laid eyes on.
I quietly set the shoe down, closing the box back up with the note inside. I slid off my mattress and shoved the box under the bed, where I’d hopefully forget about it.
Did I want to wear Diane’s shoes, pretty as they were? Fuck no.
Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck them all.
I was grabbing my phone the next moment and texting a boy I probably shouldn’t be texting, not when I was so distraught, so angry. Xander. Asking if he could meet me at the front of my house in fifteen minutes—it wasn’t a text I thought I’d send, but I needed to talk to someone, and for some odd reason, I didn’t want to videochat with Leah about it. I wanted Xander.
I found him standing at the base of my driveway in exactly fifteen minutes, his car parked on the side of the street. He wore a baggy black hoodie, with pants that matched, chains hanging from their pockets. He was literally the most stereotypical emo boy around, based on looks. But inside? That was another story.
The sky was a swirl of colors, the daylight fading and changing into dusk. I had no idea how long I needed this walk to be, but I just had to get out of that house, whether it was for ten minutes or an hour. Or longer. I wasn’t opposed to finding a bench and sleeping on it.
“Hey,” Xander spoke once I stood before him. We started heading down the sidewalk. “Everything okay?”
I let out a sigh. “I don’t know anymore, Xander. I just don’t know.” Wincing at the sound of my own voice, I said, “I hate being there, pretending like I’m part of that family. I haven’t been a part of my dad’s family since he decided to bang Diane while still married to my mom.” The bitterness was almost too much to handle; I was fearful that Xander would throw up his hands and decide to walk away, tell me I was too much trouble.
Because I was. I totally was, and I wasn’t ashamed to admit it. I came with drama, baggage, and heapings of spite.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Just let me vent,” I said, meeting his dark eyes beneath his hair.
He nibbled on his lip ring before nodding once. His go-ahead for my self-stated venting.
It was only because we were far enough from the house that I was comfortable saying, “I hate them. It might sound stupid, but I hate them. A part of me blames them for everything, wh
ich I know doesn’t make sense.”
“Sometimes feelings don’t make sense,” Xander said, sounding far too understanding. I wasn’t expecting it. Stupid, considering what we had in common. “Sometimes feelings just are. You can’t change them.”
I wanted to laugh, because he was right. All of it, he was so right it hurt. Feelings just were; you couldn’t stop them, couldn’t change them, couldn’t pretend they didn’t exist. Like my feelings for Xander, for instance, something that had come completely out of the blue.
Running a hand through my hair, I said, “The worst part is, my dad and Diane have been nothing but nice to me. I’m mad at them for nothing. It’s like I hate them, and I know I shouldn’t. I feel like such a…a teenager.”
Xander leaned closer to me as we walked, whispering, “If you haven’t noticed, you are a teenager.”
I laughed. “I know, but I don’t want to be.”
“Give it a few years, and you won’t be.”
“A few years,” I repeated, gazing at the neighborhood as we walked. Few cars drove by; it was a quiet place, a decent town. A town where nothing bad ever happened, save for bullying, apparently. “I can’t imagine where I’ll be in a few years. Can you?”
“College, mostly because my parents want me to go.”
“Yeah, me too.” I’d been accepted to the few I’d applied to, but I hadn’t made any decisions yet. One thing at a time. “After that, though, I don’t know. There’s not one thing I know I want to do with my life.”
I’d never grown up knowing what I wanted to be. Some kids knew they wanted to be teachers, cops, nurses and doctors. I…I spent so many years of my life believing I’d never get that far. Why bother wasting time daydreaming about a future career when I thought I was going to die?
Xander sighed. “Honestly, me too. I don’t know what I’m going to major in. The only thing I know for sure is that I’m going to be drowning in debt.”
I found myself reaching for his hand, my fingers intertwining with his pale, slender ones. “We can drown in debt together.” I laughed—funny, because twenty minutes ago, I’d been drowning in rage and hatred. Now I was laughing, not exactly carefree but close to it.
Being with Xander, walking hand in hand with him down the sidewalk was calming. More so than I ever knew. I grinned to myself, even though the prospect of drowning in debt for an uncertain future was not amusing. Not really.
I just…I liked this. Being here, with him—I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
This felt right.
Chapter Twenty-One
Everything was going according to plan. I’d spoken to Jessie, got her okay to go along with it. I was still somehow both sane and Christian’s lab partner in chemistry, and I juggled both Alec and Xander outside of school. When I had moments of free time at night, I spent it on my laptop, learning how to cut videos and add audio to pictures. It was all coming together. Slowly, but coming together nonetheless.
I almost felt ready, but a part of me knew I’d never truly be ready. This was what I’d been dreaming of for the last few years. Leah and I had joked about it for so long, but it was only after my mom’s death that it blossomed into reality.
I was really going to do this.
Snowball was less than two weeks away. I still had some time, but I felt stressed. Like I wore myself too thin, spread out over too many projects. My photography portfolio, the English project with Georgia, and my scheming of Christian. I wanted to sleep for a month straight.
Oh, yeah—I wanted to sleep, but I often found myself lying awake in my bed, staring at the darkness surrounding me. It wasn’t so much that my mind wouldn’t stop working, it’s just that sleep wouldn’t come. Almost like sleep itself had decided I wasn’t worth visiting most nights.
Damn it. Maybe it all stemmed from what I was starting to feel toward Christian. Maybe I felt guilty. Maybe I hated myself, just a bit, for feeling anything toward the bully who’d tortured me day in and day out for years. I mean, I had Xander and Alec.
I was at my desk, doing homework, when my phone rang. I checked the number and saw Alec’s name, picking it up immediately. “Hey,” I said, unable to hide the smile from growing on my lips. Not like he could see it, but whatever. “What’s up?”
“Come outside,” he said, and then he hung up.
Blinking, I stared quizzically at my phone for a while, and then I thought what the hell am I waiting for? I got up, found some flip-flops, and headed down the stairs, shouting for my dad and Diane in the living room, “I’ll be right back.” In truth, I had no idea what Alec wanted or if I’d be leaving the house or property, and I didn’t care. Anything to get me out of there.
Alec was in his car, and I got in the passenger’s seat, leaning across the dash to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “What’s this about?” I asked, grinning. Alec’s presence always made me feel so giddy. Like a schoolgirl with her first crush.
“I figured we could go do a little something, provided you’re up for it,” Alec said, meeting my grin with one of his own, dimples in his cheeks. He’d just shaved, and I could see every smooth line of his jaw and cheeks.
“That depends. What do you have in mind?”
He kept grinning, not saying another word.
As it turned out, he wanted to take me to the park. To the playground, actually, where Xander was, waiting for us on the swings. No other kids were around, no other cars in the parking lot. It was almost dark, and it was a school night. We’d probably be the only ones here until tomorrow, though I highly doubted we’d be staying the night. My dad would not like that. Not one bit.
“Xander’s here?” I asked, feeling something swell in my gut. The idea of Alec and Xander talking to each other again, even if it was only to please me, made me happier than I could’ve said.
I walked with Alec over to the playground, meeting Xander. As we approached, Xander hopped off the swing, a slow smile growing on his face. His smiles weren’t as full-blown as Alec’s, but they affected me all the same.
I hugged the emo boy, squeezing my chest to his. He breathed in sharply, and I let him go. We made our way to the playground’s roundabout, a colorful metal circle with numerous handles that children could spin themselves on. Give themselves headaches, more likely. We sat in a circle on the roundabout, and Alec stunned me by pulling out cards.
Actual playing cards. I let out a chortle. When was the last time I’d played with cards? I couldn’t even remember.
Biting my lip, I said, “I will warn you I only know how to play go fish.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to play poker,” Alec said, and he did. The rules went right over my head, and I was no good at having a poker face—ironic, considering what I’d come to River High ready to do. Destroy these boys, break their hearts and have fun doing it.
And, more importantly, not reveal a single thing to anyone about it.
God, I’d definitely failed on that one, huh?
“I’m surprised to see you two talking to each other to arrange something like this,” I said, glancing between them. I watched the boys look at each other. Things hadn’t exactly been awkward between them since the, uh, threesome, but they hadn’t been comfortable, either. Somewhere in between.
“We want to make you happy,” Xander spoke quietly.
I only smiled, and we continued to play. We played right through dinner, and I ignored the pangs of hunger in my stomach as we started another round. I was losing majorly, no surprise there. Alec was the best, which I figured, since he was the one who brought the cards. Eventually, I had to put the cards down. While it was fun, I’d thought of something else we could do. Something a bit more…intimate.
“Why don’t we do something else now?” I suggested, “How about a little game of truth or dare?” When Alec and Xander glanced at each other, sharing a meaningful look, I said, “No dares too extreme, and no lies.” This could go really badly…but I didn’t want to take it back.
“Fine,” Alec agree
d slowly.
All Xander did was nod once, his mouth a thin line.
“Alec,” I said, reaching towards him and playfully jostling his shoulder, “why don’t you go first?”
The brown-haired boy grinned and said, “Okay. Elle, truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
“Oh, you’re no fun.” Alec let out a sigh. “Fine, let me think of a good one.” A few moments passed, and a thoughtful expression crossed his face. I waited to hear what his question would be eagerly, wondering if he would go deep instantly, or if we’d work up to the big stuff. “Why’d you move back in with your dad?”
Deep stuff it was, then.
After all this time, I suppose I never told them. My mom was one part of me I didn’t want to share, and what happened to her…I didn’t want to think about it. It only made me sad, depressed, and the last thing I needed to be was depressed.
Heaving a giant breath, I said, “My mom died.”
Alec looked guilty, sorry for bringing up something so terrible. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No, you didn’t,” I said. “Because I never told you. But now you both know. It’s not something I like to talk about. She was…she was everything to me, for the longest time.” Hell, even when she was a drunk, she was everything to me. She was my mom, and I loved her regardless.
Both boys reached for me, each of them holding onto one of my hands. I was okay. I’d be okay, eventually.
“I’ll go next,” Xander said, slowly releasing my hand as he looked at Alec. I couldn’t help but assume he already had something in mind when he asked if Alec wanted to do a truth or a dare. When Alec sheepishly said truth, probably fearing whatever dare Xander would have him do, he asked, “Why’d you ghost me that summer?”
Shit. And I thought Alec’s question for me was deep.
When Alec’s jaw tightened, a muscle in his forehead bulging, I said, “You don’t have to—”
“No,” Xander cut in. “He has to. He has to tell me why. I want the truth, and I want to hear it from him.” To Alec, who was still silent, he spoke, his voice rising an octave, “Were you afraid of what everyone would say? Was it because you thought Christian would disown you? What was it?”
Spite: A Bully Reverse Harem Page 17
