Poor Miss Finch
Page 52
I laid down the letter for a moment. It cut me with such keen regret; itfired me with such hot rage--that I was within a hairsbreadth of tearingthe rest of it up unread, and trampling it under my feet. I took a turnin the room. I dipped my handkerchief in water, and bound it round myhead. In a minute or two I was myself again--I could force my mind awayfrom my poor Lucilla, and return to the letter. It proceeded thus:
"I can write calmly of what I have next to tell you. You shall hear whatI have decided, and what I have done.
"I told Nugent to wait in the room, while I went away, and thought overwhat he had said to me, by myself. He attempted to resist this. Iinsisted on his yielding. For the first time in our lives, we changedplaces. It was I who took the lead, and he who followed. I left him andwent out into the valley alone.
"The heavenly tranquillity, the comforting solitude helped me. I saw myposition and his, in their true light. Before I got back, I had decided(cost me what it might) on myself making the sacrifice to which mybrother had offered to submit. For Lucilla's sake, and for Nugent's sake,I felt the certain assurance in my own mind that it was _my_ duty, andnot _his,_ to go.
"Don't blame me; don't grieve for me. Read the rest. I want you to thinkof this with my thoughts--to feel about it as I feel at this moment.
"Bearing in mind what Nugent has confessed, and what I have myself seen,have I any right to hold Lucilla to her engagement? I am firmly persuadedthat I have no right. After inspiring her with terror and disgust at themoment when her eyes first looked at me; after seeing her innocentlyhappy in Nugent's arms--how, in God's name, can I claim her as mine? Ourmarriage has become an impossibility. For her own sake, I cannot, I darenot, appeal to our engagement. The wreck of _my_ happiness is nothing.The wreck of _her_ happiness would be a crime. I absolve her from herengagement. She is free.
"There is my duty towards Lucilla--as I see it.
"As to Nugent next. I owe it entirely to my brother (at the time of theTrial) that the honor of our family has been saved, and that I haveescaped a shameful death on the scaffold. Is there any limit to theobligation that he has laid on me, after doing me such a service as this?There is no limit. The man who loves Lucilla and the brother who hassaved my life are one. I am bound to leave him free--I do leave himfree--to win Lucilla by open and loyal means, if he can. As soon as HerrGrosse considers that she is fit to bear the disclosure, let her be toldof the error into which she has fallen (through my fault)--let her readthese lines, purposely written to meet her eye as well as yours--and letmy brother tell her afterwards what has passed to-night in this housebetween himself and me. She loves him now, believing him to be Oscar.Will she love him still, after she has learnt to know him under his ownname? The answer to that question rests with Time. If it is an answer inNugent's favor, I have already arranged to set aside from my income asufficient yearly sum to place my brother in a position to begin hismarried life. I wish to leave his genius free to assert itself,untrammeled by pecuniary cares. Possessing, as I do, far more than enoughfor my own simple wants, I can dedicate my spare money to no better andnobler use than this.
"There is my duty towards Nugent--as I see it.
"What I have decided on you now know. What I have done can be told in twowords. I have left Browndown for ever. I have gone, to live or die (asGod pleases) under the blow that has fallen on me, far away from you all.
"Perhaps, when years have passed, and when their children are growing upround them, I may see Lucilla again, and may take as the hand of mysister, the hand of the beloved woman who might once have been my wife.This may happen, if I live. If I die, you will none of you know it. Mydeath shall not cast its shadow of sadness on their lives. Forgive me andforget me; and keep, as I keep, that first and noblest of all mortalhopes--the hope of the life to come.
"I enclose, when there is need for you to write to me, the address of mybankers in London. They will have their instructions. If you love me, ifyou pity me, abstain from attempting to shake my resolution. You maydistress me--but you will never change me. Wait to write, until Nugenthas had the opportunity of pleading his own cause, and Lucilla hasdecided on her future life.
"Once more, I thank you for the kindness which has borne with myweaknesses and my follies. God bless you--and goodbye.
"OSCAR."