Wait, what? Ethan turned, trying to get a handle on that voice—trying to understand it—to control it, the way he always controlled things, but for the life of him he couldn’t figure out where it had come from.
I said, nothing was different, it repeated in an absurdly smug tone. Nothing changed, Ethan, and you know it. You’ve just been able to spend the last few weeks hiding behind Lily’s light, but that’s it. You haven’t changed, and neither has your desire. Did you really think a few kinky nights of spanking and submission would be enough to satiate your appetite?
The tirade paused for a moment, but it didn’t help. The words were still echoing around his mind like the resonance of Christmas fucking past, and try as he might, he just couldn’t get past them. Ethan lifted his hands to his temples, rubbing hard at the cold flesh there. What the fuck was going on? Was he having conversations with himself now?
This needed to stop.
He inhaled deeply, trying to lower himself into a meditative state of mind. He rarely had to do this in his dreams. They were usually reasonably tranquil, and since Lily, they’d been an absolute joy, but at that moment, it seemed the only sensible thing to do.
You can’t hide from me, Ethan.
The voice was back, with a new, even more irritating sing-song quality than it’d had before.
You can’t hide from what you really are. You know it, and I know it. However deep a trance you fall into, I’ll still be here, Ethan. I’m inside you. I’m inside your head.
“Go to hell,” he hissed, tugging the lank strands of his dark hair through his fingers in desperation.
Hell? The word reverberated around the room endlessly, as though he had spoken it aloud again. I thought that was where we were already. What is this hell you speak about?
There was a moment of silence, and Ethan stalked over to his favorite leather chair by the fire, sinking into it like a sack of potatoes.
Did you really think that little girl was going to be enough to chain up the monster in your head? Its tone was mocking now, and Ethan could clearly make out the disdain dripping from its voice. His voice, he supposed, since the appraisal must be coming from within him somewhere?
Ethan snorted at that, and he’d called himself a sadist, and nothing more. That was a bad joke, too. What could be more masochistic than this display of lunacy? He was slowly ripping himself apart, on his own, in a room in his mind. It was a complete farce.
Lily isn’t enough, it went on. This isn’t enough. How could it be? What did you expect?
“I don’t know,” he replied, and to his disgust, Ethan heard his voice break as the realization washed over him. “I didn’t know what to expect. I just saw her in the visions, and everything changed! I didn’t need that anymore. I didn’t need to kill.”
Ethan was practically yelling at himself now, his knees drawn up toward his chest as he sat by the fire.
Ahhh, but now you do, the little voice reminded him. And it’s not over, is it? Jody will be noticed. Jody will be missed.
He swallowed down the accusation, trying to rationalize any of what was happening. “But I’ll get away with it,” Ethan answered out loud. “I have to. I have to, for Lily.”
Ha! It was like a revelation! He finally had a response for the nagging little monologue—a fact which it could not dispute.
It won’t be enough! There was that maddening sing-song answer again, and Ethan slammed his fist down against the studded leather arm of the chair as it filled his head. You saw that yesterday, didn’t you? You know how easily you lost control—and it’s never going to go away, Ethan. It’s never going to be over.
“You’re wrong.” Ethan wanted to sound resolute, but he sensed that he only sounded weary and unsure. “It is over. Jody was a one-off. I have Lily.”
And what about all those others? The tone was clipped now, as though the voice in his own head was vehemently unimpressed with his performance. What about the things you’ve done? What about the other women, Ethan? It can never be over.
“You’re wrong!” he insisted, repeating the same two words over and over in his mind as though he wanted to exorcise the ghost of whatever it was that wanted to torment him. “Those other women are dead. They don’t matter.”
“What other women?”
The sound of Lily’s voice shattered the resolution Ethan had conjured in his head, like glass smashing into thousands of pieces. Shit, Lily was here! When had that happened? He hadn’t even heard her arrival.
“Lily?” Ethan leapt from the chair, turning to find her in the corner of the room, just behind the place he’d been sitting. “Lily, thank God you’re here!”
She eyed him suspiciously as he approached, and he noticed that she wasn’t dressed in her normal virginal night gown. Today she wore an unusual dark pant suit, and while it did show off her fabulous figure, Ethan didn’t like it. It made her look too masculine—the lines too hard for his tastes.
“What other women?” she repeated, and he could tell by the look in her eye that she was struggling to contain whatever emotions she was feeling.
“Nothing,” he replied, reaching for her hand. “They’re no one.”
“They’re dead,” she muttered, shifting out of the way of his nearing hand. “You said they were dead, Ethan.”
Her rejection of his touch smarted, smacking him around the face like a hard slap. Shit, he thought, stumbling backwards. He had said that! How much of his rant had she heard?
“How long have you been standing there?” His voice was lower now, and it sounded calmer, although inside his chest, his heart was still pounding in furious panic.
How could he have been so stupid? How could he have allowed his guard to slip in here of all places? This was a space he knew Lily came to see him. It was flagrantly foolish to have lost his shit here.
Ethan took a deep breath, taking a step in Lily’s direction again. He watched as a flicker of something flashed in those beautiful green eyes. What was that? It reminded him of something he had seen on the faces of women before her. It reminded him of fear.
“How long, Lily? he asked, and that sounded much more like himself—much more like a command.
“Long enough,” she answered in a determined tone.
He could tell she was nervous, having seen the emotional response in Lily often enough, but Ethan wasn’t certain why. Sure, she’d heard the tail end of his conversation, but that wasn’t enough to frighten her, surely? He hadn’t made any admissions. He hadn’t confessed to killing anyone.
Leaning toward her, Ethan closed his eyes, projecting himself forward. He may have promised not to read her mind, but this was different. Something was off-kilter between them, and Ethan needed to know what it was. He needed to know why it was. It must be more than just her contrition about last weekend. He found the solace of her thoughts at once, her normally green aura tarnished by the depth of the emotions she was feeling. There was a red glow about her energy now, and Ethan knew well enough what that meant. Red meant negativity. It meant there was anger and fear. He ignored the sense of panic that wanted to rise, and began to search. What had she heard? What did she know, and what could he do to put things right?
“Don’t!” she barked, and in a heartbeat, the expanse in his mind was filled with nothing but blackness.
Ethan’s eyes opened instinctively, finding Lily glaring up at him, her hands on her hips. “Don’t do that. I already asked you not to do that.”
Fuck, she’d pushed him out of her mind. How the hell had she managed to do that? In all the years he’d been meditating, Ethan had never met another person with the ability to physically make him retreat.
“I’m sorry.” The words fell from his lips without conscious thought. “I just wanted to know what you’re thinking.”
“Then ask!” she screeched with rage. “If you want to know, then all you have to do is ask. Honesty and communication, Ethan. Isn’t that what you want?”
He raised his hands in a gesture of contrition
. “Okay then,” he conceded as he backed away. “So, tell me. What are you thinking?”
For a moment there were no more words, and an oppressive silence fell over the room like a shroud. And then, at last, Lily spoke, although her words only made the panic in his gut twist tighter.
“I’m wondering who the hell you are,” she replied in almost a snarl. “I’m wondering what happened to the man I fell in love with.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
She hadn’t caught all of the show, but Lily had seen enough. Enough to see Ethan curled up into a tight ball on the chair, talking to himself—no, yelling at himself—and enough to hear the shocking words that had left his lips.
Lily paused, her mind remembering the few lines she’d witnessed, and how they had affected her. She’d first appeared in the normal place, right in the corner of the long room, just before the large window. Of course, she’d looked around for Ethan immediately, and it had taken his voice in the emptiness of the room for her to finally identify him curled up on the leather chair nearest the fireplace.
“You’re wrong.” He had practically shouted the words, and Lily had leapt in the place she stood, her heart racing at the sudden noise.
She recalled her confusion, and instinctively, Lily had wanted to comfort him, but the words had paralyzed her, rooting Lily to the spot as though her body was responding to something instinctively dangerous. She’d never seen Ethan like this. In fact, she couldn’t even remember having heard him shout before. What on earth could be wrong? But, whatever the case, she knew one thing for sure, her instincts had been spot on, and Lily had been right to come here.
“Those other women are dead. They don’t matter.”
It seemed like her heart stopped beating for a moment as those dark words resonated around her. Those other women are dead, her mind repeated over and over. Those other women are dead. And now that she’d had time to question him on the subject, Lily was no more reassured. So, the question begged, what had happened to the man she’d fallen in love with?
“What happened, Ethan?” Her tone was low, but meaningful. Although her heart paced with a new intensity, and a cold dread was coiling tight in her belly, Lily knew this question was critical—this question and whatever came next. “Who is dead, and why don’t they matter?”
He blinked down at her, and while she’d never been able to read his mind before, that deep blue gaze more than gave his inner conflict away. Lily could see how torn he was. A part of him obviously wanted to tell her the truth, but there was also another part that was trying to conceal. And that part made the knot inside her stomach tighten until it was painful.
“Ethan, please,” she was almost begging him now. “You can be honest with me. You know that, don’t you?”
A flicker of emotion passed over his face, and then, in an instant, the shutters came down. Lily actually saw the moment it happened, and her heart sunk. She knew whatever was about to come out of his mouth wasn’t true. It might not be an outright lie, but there was no way it would be the truth.
“It’s nothing, Lily,” his voice was soothing and calm.
Lily knew that voice. It was the one he liked to employ when she needed to be pacified, and while it usually worked a charm, tonight the sound of it just made her tense.
“How can it be nothing?” she demanded. “Why, Ethan? Why, would you say those things, and why”—she hesitated for a moment as the image of the way she’d found him flooded back into her mind—“why would you have so much angst about it? I’ve never seen you that way.”
He exhaled, taking a tentative step toward her again. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, and just that word alone made her anxious.
The man she knew–—the Ethan she loved—was never sorry. He was self-assured and confident, but she’d never heard him be apologetic before.
“I didn’t intend for you to see, or hear any of that.” He closed his eyes for just a second. “I thought I was alone.”
“I thought you wanted me to come.”
Lily didn’t know why she said it, and she hated the way it sounded. So clingy and fucking desperate. Was that who she was now? Was that what she’d become?
“Of course I do,” he purred, edging closer as he reached for her hand again. No hesitation this time, and no question about what he wanted—about who was in charge. The Ethan she knew was back with a vengeance. “You come here every night, and you know I love it.”
She ignored his predictable pun, flinching at the implication, although she wasn’t sure if she let it show. So, that’s how it was then. That’s how he saw her. She was desperate and clingy, and she did come here every night normally, like a puppy who was missing her master’s leg. Lily wanted to roll her eyes at herself, but she didn’t. She didn’t want to have to explain that to him.
“So, what was it all about?” she murmured as his large palm encased her hand.
She didn’t try and resist this time. The anger seemed to have passed, but in its place was a well of what felt like resignation, tinged with just a hint of that dread that sometimes lingered in the pit of her stomach.
“Why were you shouting to yourself about dead women?”
It was a reasonable question, and the look in his gaze told her that Ethan knew it.
“I was just thinking,” he answered in something that resembled a seductive tone. “Thinking out loud—meditating if you like.”
Meditating, my arse, she wanted to snort, but somehow, Lily held the response in.
“Meditating?” She may have repressed the urge to snort, but she couldn’t hide the cynicism in her tone. It was there for both of them to hear. “I know I’m naïve, Ethan, but I’m not a child. Please, don’t treat me like one.”
Her response made him stop. Based on the stunned expression on his face, Ethan hadn’t expected Lily to react this way. She supposed she couldn’t blame him. She had been tediously compliant up until this point, taking virtually everything he’d said and done as gospel, and yielding to his every desire. But as she stared up at him now, Lily began to see a very different version of the man she’d come to adore. Sure, he was still tall, and dark, and handsome. He was also undeniably still enigmatic. The man was a bloody mystery—even now—but that had been alright. It had been enough somehow—more than enough. Lily had loved that part of him. Until now—until this.
But now, Ethan was lying to her. She didn’t know what about, and she didn’t know why, but the thought was foreboding. Why would he be in here, on his own, shouting about dead women, and why would he lie? Why would he lie to Lily of all people? The questions made the knot in her belly twist again, but now the fury began to return.
“I should go,” she muttered, surprised at how she was managing to keep her tone even. “We’re not getting anywhere tonight.”
Ethan’s large palm squeezed her hand gently. “Don’t go. Let me pleasure you, Lily. I’ve missed you.”
She swallowed at his words, her sex becoming achy and filled with that need again. That fucking, undeniable need—the one that goaded her endlessly—the one that had made her this seemingly pathetic, little woman. Ethan was right. She’d missed him, too. Hours of unspent yearning. Hours of wanting him and craving his touch. Hell, she’d have even taken a wink or a furtive glance earlier, but now… Things had shifted. It was imperceptible, but real. Lily knew she still loved him, and in the end, she reckoned she’d stay with him. Life with Ethan was just too exhilarating to replace, and the thought of going back to the dull monotony of her parents’ house was soul-destroying. But right now, right at this moment, she couldn’t bear to be around him. She couldn’t tolerate his lies, and worse, still, she didn’t understand them.
“Not now,” she practically sighed the words. “I’ll be waking up soon anyhow. Tomorrow? I can come to your house?”
Ethan’s jaw clenched. He didn’t like to be turned down. “We’ll see,” he replied as he dropped her hand unceremoniously. “I’ll meet you after work.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nothing was right, and whatever he did, Ethan couldn’t find one modicum of contentment. He knew things had been left badly with Lily—again—and the thought of that was like a knife twisting in his side. Worse still though, was the fact that he sensed his little outburst last night had been enough to sow the seeds of doubt in her mind. It had been the first time he’d ever seen suspicion in that hot green gaze before, the first time she’d ever rejected his touch, and that cut him up more than anything else.
Ethan had contemplated telling her the truth before. One day, perhaps—way into a future where they stayed together— she’d have to know, and she’d have to somehow come on board with the acts of his past, but not like this. He had never intended for this to be the way she found out.
“I should have told her,” he murmured to himself as he leant against the window of his bedroom.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda, his brain taunted. But you didn’t, Ethan, did you?
“She might not know,” he said with a sigh, and he closed his eyes after that, as though he expected clarity to come from the familiarity of darkness.
But there was no clarity, and Ethan knew there wouldn’t be until he was back with Lily, and until he ascertained what she knew and how she was with everything. He inhaled deeply as his gaze met the lawn of the back garden. How should she be, he wondered with a wry smirk. How could she be when she finds out what he was—what he’d done—and now there was Jody to contend with, too? Could anyone just accept that and move on? It all seemed so ridiculous in his head.
“But she will,” he assured himself out loud. “She will accept it—for me.”
Always so fucking self-assured, his irritating little monologue continued, but it was right. He was.
His attention shifted to this evening. Lily had suggested she come here again, and he knew that he’d love that, too. It was always more comfortable being in his own environment, but the problem was, Ethan knew his sister would be home tonight. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep contriving new reasons for Kitty to be out every time he wanted to bring Lily here, and he realized at some point, the two would have to meet, but somehow, he wasn’t ready for it to be tonight.
Flawed: (A Psychological Dark Romance) (The Dark Necessities Prequels Book 1) Page 16
