by Lily Craig
Madelyn had been delusional.
She saw that now.
Because Georgie whirled around, eyes blazing with dark fury, and stared her down. The impression was one of a caged animal forced to confront its attacker. Desperation and rage sang in a chorus that rang out from Georgie's tensed body.
"What?"
"I said I'm in love with you," Madelyn said, her voice quieter now. She shook, literally shook as if she were freezing, but she knew it was nerves. The outpouring of relief in her body from having finally done the thing, from speaking when silence was easier, from breaking a seal that had invisibly divided her from her true self.
"And what the hell makes you think that's ok?" whispered Georgie. The quiet of her voice was in no way able to obscure the hurt in every syllable. While she might appear to be angry, Madelyn could sense myriad other emotions swimming beneath the surface.
"Can we sit down to talk about this?" asked Madelyn, gesturing to the couch in the living area. They were still standing in the cramped back door hallway, snow from their boots melting into puddles flecked with mud and pine needles. Madelyn had stepped in one of the wet spots without meaning to and now her sock stuck damply to her heel.
"Why?" asked Georgie. "Feeling trapped? Like, oh, I don't know, alone in a cabin in a fucking snowstorm with someone?"
"Woah, hey. I didn't plan that there'd be a snowstorm."
"You had a plan, though? Like you actually sat there and thought 'what a great idea, I'll tell Georgie I'm in love with her on this trip’?”
Madelyn could have been mistaken, but she thought she saw tears in Georgie's eyes. It had been a long time since she'd seen Georgie emotional like that, and the discomfort she felt in knowing she was the cause overshadowed all other feelings.
"I'm sorry, we don't have to go anywhere."
"That's the point, Madelyn! We can't go anywhere right now. You let me come up here for a trip—hell, let me surprise you with an early arrival—and thought it was a great idea to blindside me with this...this..."
"Confession."
"Ambush."
The two words commingled in the air, leaving a heavy, painful silence as they each processed the meaning of the other's statement. Tension crackled and Madelyn wished she'd been smart enough to hold off. Something about that fawn, though, had triggered a need to start the process. Whether she found out Georgie hated her for saying it or whether she thought there could be a future where they were together, Madelyn had to act.
"I didn't mean for you to feel ambushed," said Madelyn at the same time as Georgie paced through the hallway and out into the main living area. She'd been cooped up in the small space with Madelyn long enough, apparently. Georgie kept moving, her socked feet taking her from the now-empty fireplace over to the kitchen island and back, over and over.
"I'm guessing you also didn't think about whether it could come across that way, though, hey?"
When Georgie asked the question of Madelyn, she shot her a glance with fiery eyes, the dark brown of her irises vivid with emotion. It was clear from Georgie's posture that a multitude of feelings were fighting inside of her; she paced with clenched fists and slouched even more than usual. Madelyn had followed her to the living room and sat nervously on the couch.
This wasn't the scene she'd hoped to see.
"I'm sorry, Georgie. I didn't think enough about you in this. I mean, obviously I was thinking about you. And my feelings for you. I needed to get it out there, get my feelings off my chest before I swallowed them forever. Just in case. But I didn't consider how much it might upset you to hear me say that."
Georgie laughed, a brittle barking sound that startled Madelyn out of her rambling.
"What?" asked Madelyn.
Georgie had reached the island again and swung around to return to the fireplace. The light streaming in the window had the cool tone of the snow itself, which fluttered about madly like nothing was happening inside this cabin that nature hadn't seen before. Madelyn ached to calm Georgie's nerves by leaving her alone but knew that their isolation kept her there.
"You can be so dramatic, Madelyn," answered Georgie. "I'm not suggesting you 'swallow' your feelings forever, just that you think for a few minutes about how your actions might affect others before you plunge me into something like this. I mean, couldn't you have called me? You didn't visit Edmonton once in this past year. Wouldn't it have been better to tell me on my home turf?"
Queasiness descended from the nape of Madelyn's neck down her throat and to her belly. The silence became unbearable, broken only by a gust of wind tossing snowflakes against the large glass window for a second, skittering away moments later. Georgie was right, of course. She so often was.
"I was scared," Madelyn said, her voice shaky. She cursed herself again for having such thin barriers between her composure and emotional meltdowns. It was something she'd always admired about Georgie: that she could be catastrophically upset but avoid bursting into tears.
"And I was lonely as fuck, Madelyn."
A small, split-second hint of vulnerability escaped from Georgie, and Madelyn grabbed hold of it with desperation. This was her road back in, the sign she needed to keep going and not give up. Georgie raged not because she hated Madelyn, nor because she felt nothing for her. There were always going to be difficult conversations following this confession. Always.
"I know. I just—the way we left things, when you left. It made it seem like you didn't want me to come visit. Or at least that it should have been on your terms. Your invitation. Was I supposed to ignore that? Push through the buffer you set up and disregard anything you'd said when you left?"
"I don't know," snapped Georgie, but Madelyn had seen the opportunity. Already the pacing had softened to a confused stroll, and Georgie faltered near the couches. She turned to face Madelyn and then leaned her arms onto the back of the couch across from Madelyn's. "Probably not."
"Listen. You have every right to be upset with me. I can acknowledge that I did not approach this the right way. I mean, I one hundred percent didn't intend to blurt out my true feelings in the back hallway of some cabin we're snowed into. That's not how I pictured this happening. And not just because of how I pictured it, but because of what you deserve. Candlelight, romance, all that corny jazz. You're special, Georgie. As a person, and to me."
Georgie's expression could have been described just then as a glower. She hunched over the couch staring at Madelyn with a furrowed brow and pursed lips. In her eyes, there was a peculiar light that struck a strange balance between fury and affection. But she softened, and she walked around to sit down on the couch.
"So what'd you picture happening? You'd woo me with some steak and then spell 'I love you' with chocolate sauce on ice cream?"
Madelyn still heard venom in Georgie's words, but the other woman’s eyes had warmed, her posture shifted. Already, the ice between them had softened slightly. She wished she hadn't gone about things all wrong, but if they were truly meant to be together—a fact Madelyn had discovered in Georgie's absence and now held dearly to be one of the defining features of her life—they would find a way.
You could always find a way to improve things.
"Hardly," said Madelyn with a smile. "I had a plan, but you surprised me showing up here early."
"That was the intention. A surprise. Didn't know I'd be surprising your love confession plans, though."
"No, I know," Madelyn sighed. "Realistically, it's not so much that you were early as that I was late. I should have told you how I felt months ago, when I first figured it out for myself. Rather than sitting on it and waiting for the perfect moment to orchestrate something that would dazzle you."
"Well," said Georgie. She stretched her wrists and looked around the cabin with a half-smile. "We've always known you were a late bloomer, right?"
Madelyn welcomed the thaw happening in Georgie already, even though Madelyn knew she didn't deserve it. Georgie’s happiness would always have an effect on Madelyn.
The two women smiled, surprising themselves and each other by the way that fondness could creep back into the conversation, despite everything. Or maybe because of everything that had transpired between them. Georgie and Madelyn's interactions never started from the ground floor; they always built on so much shared history that no one emotion could rule completely.
Gusting wind brought down a puff of snow from the cabin roof, landing in the drift near the window with a soft thump.
"Guess I like to get a head start on," said Georgie. And though Madelyn was still so tense she was certain she could have jumped a full foot off the couch had she been startled by a tap on the shoulder, she was able to see how blurting the words out hadn't been as cataclysmic as she thought. At least for now.
7
Age 12
They were in Georgie's bedroom when she knew she had to say it. Weeks had gone by since she'd finally admitted to herself that she was gay. Years spent wishing she could rescue Princess Leia suddenly sharpened to clarity about so much more. Lesbian, strange word though it was, fit her now.
She just hadn't told anyone else yet.
Madelyn and Georgie spent every day after school together, huddled in blankets on the couch watching The Simpsons and reruns of Degrassi, making jokes about which kids in their class would like the story lines they liked.
It was into this seemingly iron-clad bond that Georgie had to lob her new identity. She wanted to tell Madelyn and then have the option to run away. Because the truth was, she didn't know of anyone who was a lesbian in real life. Everyone knew Ellen DeGeneres was one, but in Calgary?
At their school?
Georgie would be alone.
She hoped that Madelyn wouldn't be mad at her. Friends were supposed to be there for you no matter what, but there were so many things Georgie felt she was supposed to be that she couldn't: boy crazy, girly, polite, organized. The words 'supposed to' had begun to lose meaning for her. She didn't fit into boxes.
When Madelyn and Georgie walked to Georgie's house after school that day, Georgie played with a frayed thread on her t-shirt mindlessly. She watched as Madelyn thanked Caroline for the snacks she made, and she observed the careful snubbing Portia and Ariel gave to them, as always. The older girls were using the television, so Madelyn and Georgie had to retreat to Georgie's room.
Fine by her. Privacy for a conversation she worried would end everything. If Madelyn thought she was gross and didn't want to be friends anymore, Georgie wasn't sure what she would tell her mother. She wasn't ready for that conversation. Madelyn would be the first person she told, for better or worse.
"Did you see Lost this week?" she asked Madelyn, though she suspected the answer already. Madelyn's mother couldn't afford cable even though her new job paid much better than before, so Madelyn only saw Lost if she happened to be over at Georgie's house on Wednesday nights.
Madelyn shook her head and fiddled with the Game Boy Advance Georgie had left on the floor.
"It was really good."
"Ok," said Madelyn, barely paying attention to Georgie's anxious small talk. "Maybe I'll see it later on a rerun."
"Who's your favorite character? Mine's Kate."
Georgie could hear how her voice was strained, rushed. Madelyn made a puzzled face as if she could sense that something was amiss with Georgie, but she wasn't sure what.
"I don't know. Charlie?"
"I think Kate's really pretty."
Georgie's heart fluttered when she said Kate's name, partially from the crush she had on the character and partially from admitting it out loud. She hoped Madelyn could intuit what she meant and that the conversation could end there.
"I guess so," said Madelyn. "When she's not all muddy."
Georgie wanted to retort that the mud was part of what made Kate so attractive: she was a rough and tumble girl, like Georgie, and looked her best when she was in the midst of something tense. Georgie liked Kate dirty; merely thinking about a recent scene made her blush.
"I have a crush on Kate," Georgie said, her voice a little too loud for the conversation because of nerves.
Whether Madelyn was immediately repulsed or not, she didn't show it. A small smile appeared on her face and she looked Georgie in the eye.
"Ooo, Georgie's got a crush!"
"No, I'm serious. I really like Kate. Because..."
Georgie took a deep breath.
"Because I'm a lesbian."
"Oh. Ok," said Madelyn.
The simplicity of her words made Georgie's stomach quiver. It couldn't be that easy.
Could it?
"I have a crush on Charlie," said Madelyn, leaning forwards with the same conspiratorial tone as Georgie. The way she bit her lip made Georgie think, momentarily, that Madelyn was joking. But then Madelyn flushed pink and giggled. A blush was hard to fake.
So this was the moment. She'd told someone. Not just anyone: her best friend, Madelyn. And, truth be told, it had gone far better than Georgie had thought it would.
"If Charlie was a girl would you like him? Or still Kate?" said Madelyn. The curiosity in her eyes was pure, and Georgie's veins coursed with relief. There was a pounding sound in her head that could have been her heartbeat, relentless and vivid. Beneath her sweater, Georgie's back prickled with sweat.
"I don't know," she said. "I hadn't thought about that. What do you think?"
"What do I think you'd think?" asked Madelyn, laughing.
"No, I mean, yes. I don't know. I'm just talking nonsense."
The reality was that confessing her secret to Madelyn had taken up most of Georgie's brain power. All that seemed to be left was a humming sensation between her ears and the intense physical relief still flooding her body. Nothing cognitive was happening in a meaningful way.
"Do you wish you were Jack or Sawyer?" Madelyn said, tilting her head to the side while she waited for Georgie's response.
"Neither?"
"But they like Kate. They're fighting over her, so you'd be one of them if you were on the island."
"I don't know," said Georgie. Her chest still fought her when she tried to speak, still tightened like it was trying to keep her from spilling any more secrets out into the open. It seemed too good to be true for Madelyn to accept her without anger. Everyone who had said the word lesbian before around Georgie hadn't meant it to be a positive thing.
"I just want to be me, but with Kate. Like I'm a girl, and she's a girl. My girlfriend, you know?"
"So you'd just be you. On the island."
"Yeah, exactly." She smiled at Madelyn.
Would her friend still be her friend after this?
She hadn't thought it could be possible to maintain the same connection. It had eaten at her insides for weeks as she thought about it. She’d been sure Madelyn would push her away. And then Madelyn would tell someone because she was so creeped out and soon everyone would know, and then Georgie wouldn't have friends at all.
"Isn't she kind of old for you?" Madelyn said, raising her eyebrows. She laughed at her own joke.
"I mean, yeah. Ok. She's a full grown-up, but adults get married to people who aren't the same age all the time. Like Hugh Hefner."
"Who's Hugh Hefner?"
If Georgie had thought telling her friend about being gay was a difficult conversation, she certainly hadn't considered how to explain Playboy magazine. That was an accidental discovery from her father's study that she knew she wasn't supposed to have heard of, let alone seen. Plus, the women in the magazine always looked so unhappy and mean.
Georgie wanted to have a magazine with the boobs and everything, but where the women smiled at you and seemed to be having a good time. That was part of what she liked about Kate on Lost: her smile. Her mind wandered for a few seconds while she fell back into thinking about Kate and her toothy grin.
"Georgie?" asked Madelyn.
"He makes magazines with naked
women in them. And he's married or dated like a billion women. All younger than him, some by a lot."
"At once?!" yelped Madelyn. She'd been shocked by so much of that sentence, she clearly didn't know where to start. It took Georgie a moment to decipher what Madelyn was reacting to.
"No, I don't think so. Like break-ups and divorces and stuff."
"How do you know about him?"
There was another pause while Georgie considered how much she should tell. Implicating her father in the conversation was one thing, but admitting that she'd found the magazines and looked at them too was another. Madelyn had accepted her confession, yes, but would she be ok with this?
Georgie didn't want to push her luck. Madelyn probably wouldn't want to know about Georgie looking at pictures like that. She'd stuff her ears and yelp or something.
"Do you promise not to hate me?"
The intensity of Madelyn's response surprised Georgie. "I couldn't hate you, not ever. We're best friends."
The tightness in Georgie's chest returned, but happier this time. She felt a swelling of gratitude, for being able to live this life where she had a friend like Madelyn. For the way that Madelyn smiled at her, exactly the way Madelyn had smiled at Georgie for years now.
She truly felt like nothing had changed, except that now Georgie felt a thousand times better about being a lesbian. If Madelyn could still be her friend, maybe everything would turn out ok after all. How would a little conversation about naked pictures change things?
"We are best friends, aren't we?" said Georgie, smiling. "So you can't tell anyone else. I was looking for a book I’d been reading that my mom cleaned up, except she put it in my dad's office. I'm not really supposed to go in there, cause he hates when we get it messy. Anyway, I was going through piles and looking at all the books but not finding anything. Only, there was a pile of papers that had a board underneath it in the drawer, and the board was kind of loose. If you took the board away, there were magazines underneath. Playboy magazines. They're super dirty."
