by Jack Vance
Bob Robertson and Roger Waille inspected the ox, a magnificent sight indeed. Duray attempted a stony detachment, but his nose was under no such strictures; the odor of the roast meat, garlic, and herbs tantalized him unmercifully. Bob Robertson returned to the terrace and held up his hands for attention; the fiddler put down his instrument. “Control your appetites; there’ll still be a few minutes, during which we can discuss our next Rumfuddle. Our clever colleague Bernard Ulman recommends a hostelry in the Adirondacks: the Sapphire Lake Lodge. The hotel was built in 1902, to the highest standards of Edwardian comfort. The clientele is derived from the business community of New York. The cuisine is kosher; the management maintains an atmosphere of congenial gentility; the current date is 1930. Bernard has furnished photographs. Roger, if you please.” Waille drew back a curtain to reveal a screen. He manipulated the projection machine, and the hotel was displayed on the screen: a rambling, half-timbered structure overlooking several acres of park and a smooth lake.
“Thank you. Roger. I believe that we also have a photograph of the staff.”
On the screen appeared a stiffly posed group of about thirty men and women, all smiling with various degrees of affability. The Rumfuddlers were amused; some among them tittered.
“Bernard gives a very favorable report as to the cuisine, the amenities, and the charm of the general area. Am I right, Bernard?”
“In every detail,” declared Bernard Ulman. “The management is attentive and efficient; the clientele is well-established.”
“Very good,” said Bob Robertson. “Unless someone has a more entertaining idea, we will hold our next Rumfuddle at the Sapphire Lake Lodge. And now I believe that the roast beef should be ready - done to a turn, as the expression goes.”
“Quite right,” said Roger Waille. “Tom, as always, has done an excellent job at the spit.”
The ox was lifted to the table. The carver set to work with a will. Duray went to speak to Alan Robertson, who blinked uneasily at his approach.
Duray asked, “Do you understand the reason for these parties? Are you in on the joke?”
Alan Robertson spoke in a precise manner: “I certainly am not ‘in on the joke,’ as you put it.” He hesitated, then said: “The Rumfuddlers will never again intrude upon your life or that of your family. I am sure of this.
Bob became overexuberant; he exercised poor judgment, and I intend to have a quiet word with him. In fact, we have already exchanged certain opinions. At the moment your best interests will be served by detachment and unconcern.”
Duray spoke with sinister politeness: “You feel, then, that I and my family should bear the brunt of Bob’s jokes?”
“This is a harsh view of the situation, but my answer must be Yes.”
“I’m not so sure. My relationship with Elizabeth is no longer the same.
Bob has done this to me.”
“To quote an old apothegm: ‘Least said, soonest mended.’ “ Duray changed the subject. “When Waille showed the photograph of the hotel staff, I thought some of the faces were familiar. Before I could be quite sure, the picture was gone.”
Alan Robertson nodded unhappily. “Let’s not develop the subject, Gilbert. Instead - ”
“I’m into the situation too far,” said Duray. “I want to know the truth.”
“Very well, then,” said Alan Robertson hollowly, “your instincts are accurate. The management of the Sapphire Lake Lodge, in cognate circumstances, has achieved an unsavory reputation. As you have guessed, they comprise the leadership of the National Socialist party during 1938 or thereabouts. The manager, of course, is Hitler, the desk clerk is Goebbels, the headwaiter is Goring, the bellboys are Himmler and Hess, and so on down the line. They are, of course, not aware of the activities of their cognates of other worlds. The hotel’s clientele is for the most part Jewish, which brings a macabre humor to the situation.”
“Undeniably,” said Duray. “What of that Rumfuddlers party that we looked in on?”
“You refer to the high-school football team? The 1951 Texas champions, as I recall.” Alan Robertson grinned. “And well they should be.
Bob identified the players for me. Are you interested in the lineup?”
“Very much so.”
Alan Robertson drew a sheet of paper from his pocket. “I believe -
yes, this is it.” He handed the sheet to Duray who saw a schematic lineup:
Duray returned the paper. “You approve of this?”
“I had best put it like this,” said Alan Robertson, a trifle uneasily. “One day, chatting with Bob, I remarked that much travail could be spared the human race if the more notorious evildoers were early in their lives shifted to environments which afforded them constructive outlets for their energies.
I speculated that having the competence to make such changes, it was perhaps our duty to do so. Bob became interested in the concept and formed his group, the Rumfuddlers, to serve the function I had suggested.
In all candor I believe that Bob and his friends have been attracted more by the possibility of entertainment than by altruism, but the effect has been the same.”
“The football players aren’t evildoers,” said Duray. “Sir Galahad, Charlemagne, Samson, Richard the Lion-hearted…”
“Exactly true,” said Alan Robertson, “and I made this point to Bob. He asserted that all were brawlers and bullyboys, with the possible exception of Sir Galahad; that Charlemagne, for example, had conquered much territory to no particular achievement; that Achilles, a national hero to the Greeks, was a cruel enemy to the Trojans; and so forth. His justifications are somewhat specious perhaps… Still, these young men are better employed making touchdowns than breaking heads.” After a pause Duray asked; “How are these matters arranged?”
“I’m not entirely sure. I believe that by one means or another, the desired babies are exchanged with others of similar appearance. The child so obtained is reared in appropriate circumstances.”
“The jokes seem elaborate and rather tedious.”
“Precisely!” Alan Robertson declared. “Can you think of a better method to keep someone like Bob out of mischief?”
“Certainly,” said Duray. “Fear of the consequences.” He scowled across the terrace. Bob had stopped to speak to Elizabeth. She and the three girls rose to their feet.
Duray strode across the terrace. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing of consequence,” said Bob. “Elizabeth and the girls are going to help serve the guests.” He glanced toward the serving table, then turned back to Duray. “Would you help with the carving?” Duray’s arm moved of its own volition. His fist caught Bob on the angle of the jaw and sent him reeling back into one of the white-coated Orientals, who carried a tray of food. The two fell into an untidy heap. The Rumfuddlers were shocked and amused and watched with attention.
Bob rose to his feet gracefully enough and gave a hand to the Oriental. Looking toward Duray, Bob shook his head ruefully. Meeting his glance, Duray noted a pale blue glint; then Bob once more became bland and debonair.
Elizabeth spoke in a low despairing voice: “Why couldn’t you have done as he asked? It would have all been so simple.”
“Elizabeth may well be right,” said Alan Robertson.
“Why should she be right?” demanded Duray. “We are his victims!
You’ve allowed him a taste of mischief, and now you can’t control him!”
“Not true!” declared Alan Robertson. “I intend to impose rigorous curbs upon the Rumfuddlers, and I will be obeyed.”
“The damage is done, so far as I am concerned,” said Duray bitterly.
“Come along, Elizabeth, we’re going Home.”
“We can’t go Home. Bob has the passway.”
Alan Robertson drew a deep sigh and came to a decision. He crossed to where Bob stood with a goblet of wine in one hand, massaging his jaw with the other. Alan Robertson spoke to Bob politely but with authority. Bob was slow in making a reply. Alan Robertson spoke ag
ain, sharply. Bob only shrugged. Alan Robertson waited a moment, then returned to Duray, Elizabeth, and the three children.
“The passway is at his San Francisco apartment,” said Alan Robertson in a measured voice. “He will give it back to you after the party.
He doesn’t choose to go for it now.”
Bob once more commanded the attention of the Rumfuddlers. “By popular request we replay the record of our last but one Rumfuddle, contrived by one of our most distinguished, diligent, and ingenious Rumfuddlers, Manfred Funk. The locale is the Red Barn, a roadhouse twelve miles west of Urbana, Illinois; the time is the late summer of 1926; the occasion is a Charleston dancing contest. The music is provided by the legendary Wolverines, and you will hear the fabulous cornet of Leon Bismarck Beiderbecke.” Bob gave a wry smile, as if the music were not to his personal taste. “This was one of our most rewarding occasions, and here it is again.”
The screen showed the interior of a dance-hall, crowded with excited young men and women. At the back of the stage sat the Wolverines, wearing tuxedos; to the front stood the contestants: eight dapper young men and eight pretty girls in short skirts. An announcer stepped forward and spoke to the crowd through a megaphone: “Contestants are numbered one through eight! Please, no encouragement from the audience. The prize is this magnificent trophy and fifty dollars cash; the presentation will be made by last year’s winner, Boozy Horman. Remember, on the first number we eliminate four contestants, on the second number, two; and after the third number we select our winter. So then: Bix and the Wolverines and
‘Sensation Rag’!”
From the band came music; from the contestants, agitated motion.
Duray asked, “Who are these people?”
Alan Robertson replied in an even voice: “The young men are locals and not important. But notice the girls: No doubt you find them attractive.
You are not alone. They are Helen of Troy, Deirdre, Marie Antoinette, Cleopatra, Salome, Lady Godiva, Nefertiti, and Mata Hari.” Duray gave a dour grunt. The music halted; judging applause from the audience, the announcer eliminated Marie Antoinette, Cleopatra, Deirdre, Mata Hari, and their respective partners. The Wolverines played “Fidgety Feet”; the four remaining contestants danced with verve and dedication, but Helen and Nefertiti were eliminated. The Wolverines played “Tiger Rag.” Salome and Lady Godiva and their young men performed with amazing zeal. After carefully appraising the volume of applause, the announcer gave his judgment to Lady Godiva and her partner. Large on the screen appeared a close-up view of the two happy faces; in an excess of triumphant joy they hugged and kissed each other. The screen went dim; after the vivacity of the Red Bam the terrace above the Don seemed drab and insipid.
The Rumfuddlers shifted in their seats. Some uttered exclamations to assert their gaiety; others stared out across the vast empty face of the river.
Duray glanced toward Elizabeth; she was gone. Now he saw her circulating among the guests with three other young women, pouring wine from Scythian decanters.
“It makes a pretty picture, does it not?” said a calm voice. Duray turned to find Bob standing behind him; his mouth twisted in an easy half-smile, but his eye glinted pale blue.
Duray turned away. Alan Robertson said, “This is not at all a pleasant situation, Bob, and in fact completely lacks charm.”
“Perhaps at future Rumfuddles, when my face feels better, the charm will emerge… Excuse me; I see that I must enliven the meeting.” He stepped forward. “We have a final pastiche: oddments and improvisations, vignettes and glimpses, each in its own way entertaining and instructive.
Roger, start the mechanism, if you please.”
Roger Waille hesitated and glanced sidelong toward Alan Robertson.
“The item number is sixty-two, Roger,” said Bob in a calm voice.
Roger Waille delayed another instant, then shrugged and went to the projection machine.
“The material is new,” said Bob, “hence I will supply a commentary.
First we have an episode in the life of Richard Wagner, the dogmatic and occasionally irascible composer. This year is 1843; the place is Dresden.
Wagner sets forth on a summer night to attend a new opera, Der Sanger Krieg, by an unknown composer. He alights from his carriage before the hall; he enters; he seats himself in his loge. Notice the dignity of his posture, the authority of his gestures! The music begins. Listen!” From the projector came the sound of music. “It is the overture,” stated Bob. “But notice Wagner: Why is he stupefied? Why is he overcome with wonder?
He listens to the music as if he has never heard it before. And in fact he hasn’t; he has only just yesterday set down a few preliminary notes for this particular opus, which he planned to callTannhduser; today, magically, he hears it in its final form. Wagner will walk home slowly tonight, and perhaps in his abstraction he will kick the dog Schmutzi… Now to a different scene: St. Petersburg in the year 1880 and the stables in back of the Winter Palace. The ivory and gilt carriage rolls forth to convey the czar and the czarina to a reception at the British Embassy. Notice the drivers: stern, well-groomed, intent at their business. Marx’s beard is well-trimmed; Lenin’s goatee is not so pronounced. A groom comes to watch the carriage roll away. He has a kindly twinkle in his eye, does Stalin.” The screen went dim once more, then brightened to show a city street lined with automobile showrooms and used-car lots. “This is one of Shawn Henderson’s projects.
The four used-car lots are operated by men who in other circumstances were religious notables: prophets and so forth. That alert, keen-featured man in front of Quality Motors, for instance, is Mohammed. Shawn is conducting a careful survey, and at our next Rumfuddle he will report upon his dealings with these four famous figures.” Alan Robertson stepped forward, somewhat diffidently. He cleared his throat. “I don’t like to play the part of spoilsport, but I’m afraid I have no choice. There will be no further Rumfuddles. Our original goals have been neglected, and I note far too many episodes of purposeless frivolity and even cruelty. You may wonder at what seems a sudden decision, but I have been considering the matter for several days. The Rumfuddles have taken a turn in an unwholesome direction and conceivably might become a grotesque new vice, which, of course, is far from our original ideal. I’m sure that every sensible person, after a few moments’ reflection, will agree that now is the time to stop. Next week you may return to me all passways except those to worlds where you maintain residence.” The Rumfuddlers sat murmuring together. Some turned resentful glances toward Alan Robertson; others served themselves more bread and meat. Bob came over to join Alan and Duray. He spoke in an easy manner.
“I must say that your admonitions arrive with all the delicacy of a lightning bolt. I can picture Jehovah smiting the fallen angels in a similar style.” Alan Robertson smiled. “Now, then, Bob, you’re talking nonsense.
The situations aren’t at all similar. Jehovah struck out in fury; I impose my restriction in all goodwill in order that we can once again turn our energies to constructive ends.”
Bob threw back his head and laughed. “But the Rumfuddlers have lost the habit of work. We only want to amuse ourselves, and after all, what is so noxious in our activities?”
“The trend is menacing, Bob.” Alan Robertson’s voice was reasonable. “Unpleasant elements are creeping into your fun, so stealthily that you yourself are unaware of them. For instance, why torment poor Wagner? Surely there was gratuitous cruelty, and only to provide you a few instants of amusement. And since the subject is in the air, I heartily deplore your treatment of Gilbert and Elizabeth. You have brought them both an extraordinary inconvenience, and in Elizabeth’s case, actual suffering.
Gilbert got something of his own back, and the balance is about even.”
“Gilbert is far too impulsive,” said Bob. “Self-willed and egocentric, as he always has been.”
Alan held up his hand. “There is no need to go further into the subject, Bob. I suggest that you say no more.”
“Just as you like, though the matter, considered as practical rehabilitation, isn’t irrelevant. We can amply justify the work of the Rumfuddlers.”
