by K E Osborn
He gently strokes my hair. “Shh… it’s okay. You’re going to be fine. That’s the main thing.” He holds me while guilt and depression overtake me that somehow I was responsible for our baby dying.
A nurse comes in to take my vitals. “How are you feeling, Jenifer?” she asks when she wraps a blood pressure cuff around my arm.
I can’t answer her, so I don’t bother.
How do I feel?
Empty.
Lost.
Cold.
My baby. Our baby. Is gone.
I don’t say anything, curling up in Aiden’s arms while she does her tests.
Aiden gently kisses the top of my head and holds me tightly, which is all I need from him right now. Aiden is all I need to help me through this.
“We are sending you home today, but you need plenty of rest. You must refrain from intercourse or insertion for at least a week,” the nurse informs me after a night of rest in the hospital.
I glance at Aiden, and he smiles, trying to reassure me. He only wants to take care of me, and I know he’s going to do a great job.
A short time later, we are making our way slowly to the car. Aiden lifts me into the seat, walks around to his door, and slides in. He starts the ignition, and I put my hand on top of his on the gear stick. He smiles at me warmly, then pulls out of the parking lot with a squeal of his wheels. We drive home in silence as I sit numbly.
I feel so responsible.
Miserable.
I’ve lost our baby.
Aiden pulls up in the parking garage. He picks me up and carries me to the elevator. Once we’re inside, he heads to the ensuite and places my feet to the floor so we can have a shower. I’m like a robot as I take off my clothes and get under the hot water.
Aiden steps in and slowly washes me, careful of my cuts and abrasions as I stand motionless.
My brain isn’t registering any thoughts as I let him take care of me. I’m simply going through the damn motions.
We get out, and he dries us both in silence, then lifts and carries me to the bedroom where he lays me on the bed to rest.
“Jeni?” he asks quietly.
My sad eyes meet his, and they convey the same emotions I’m feeling. He’s hurting, too.
I wish I had the strength to be there for him in this.
It was his baby too.
I’m simply not strong enough right now.
“I love you.” Aiden pulls the duvet over me, and I rest my head on the soft feather pillow. He lies behind me and wraps his arm around my body, holding me tightly while I let go and softly cry into the pillow. He nuzzles into my hair as we lay in the bed together mourning the loss of our child who we never even celebrated the life of.
We spend the rest of the day and into the night holding each other. He softly talks to me and tries to distract me from my raging thoughts. It works, and then I remember again—it’s like a never-ending cycle. Aiden kisses my forehead, then I slowly drift off to sleep.
I wake suddenly to the chiming alarm, so I sit up in bed.
Aiden slowly moves with me as he crinkles his forehead.
I turn, switch off the alarm and gingerly edge out of bed.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m getting ready for work.”
His brow furrows. “Jeni, the doctor said you have to rest. You can’t go to work today.”
I’m weak as I make my way to the closet, but I want to be distracted. Give myself something to do other than listening to my constant thoughts.
Aiden rushes out of bed and walks over to me, taking my arm and pulling me to him. “You can’t go to work today. I’ll be here with you. We need to grieve… together.”
“No! I need to be distracted. I can’t stay here and wallow in self-pity.”
He furrows his brows, almost like he’s angry. “Jeni, everything that happened was an accident. There was nothing you could’ve done that would’ve saved our child. You need to grieve and not pretend it didn’t happen,” he begs.
I swallow hard, pulling away from him and continuing to get my clothes ready for work. He exhales and walks over, sitting on the edge of the bed, placing his head in his hands. I look over at him, and watch a single tear slide down his cheek. I sigh and stop what I’m doing and make my way over to sit next to him on the bed.
“Aiden… I’m sorry.”
His body is shaking as his emotions take hold. He lets out a gut-wrenching sob as he cries into his hands. My stomach falls through the floor seeing him so distraught, so I wrap my arm around him and hold on tightly as guilt ravages every part of my being. “I’m so sorry, Aiden. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I say continuously as I start to lose control too.
Emotion hits me like a tidal wave.
I thought I was holding it together.
But watching Aiden fall apart brings me to my damn knees.
Utter despair rips through the very fabric of my being. Tears flood my eyes so intensely I can’t see as sadness erupts from deep within my soul. I slide onto the floor in my despair, then I feel his hand on my back as he joins me, pulling me to him tightly, and we sob together.
“I’m sorry,” I whimper again as he rocks with me in his arms, and we both mourn the loss of our baby together, on the floor, in a mess of tears and emotion.
I didn’t think it would be this hard.
I didn’t think losing a part of us would hurt this much.
Aiden’s done the rounds of ringing our family and close friends letting them know what’s happened. I lay awake in our bed, staring at nothing. He walks in with saddened eyes and sits next to me on the bed.
“Everyone’s coming over later. I know you probably don’t want to see them, but they need to see us. They’re grieving, too.” I continue to stare at nothing while he strokes my hair. He kisses my forehead, then walks out into the living room.
Staring aimlessly into the vast nothingness around me, I continue to lay in bed. I’m hollow, empty, and emotionless inside. All I want is to wind back the clock, so I can do things differently. But I know I can’t, and there’s no point in dwelling on that fact.
The hours roll by. Aiden pops in periodically and lies with me on the bed, wrapping his arms around me, then his phone will ring, and he leaves the room to answer it. I’m completely exhausted, but all I can do is stare as numbness overtakes my soul.
The elevator chimes, and I know our families are arriving. Firstly, my mom. I hear her talking to Aiden, then the bedroom door opens, and she walks into the room. She exhales as tears prick in my eyes.
She steps over to me, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.” She leans in, and I hold on to her tightly. Softly, I start crying in her arms as she rocks me back and forth. There’s something about having your mom around, which simply brings all the emotion to the surface.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. Let it all out. It’s best that you do.”
I didn’t realize how much I needed her with me right now as the elevator chimes again. Mom holds on to me tightly, and I gather my strength in her arms. Aiden closes the bedroom door, leaving me to have some quality time with my mom while he tends to the other family members who are arriving periodically.
“Sweetheart, I know this is a terrible time for you both, and this is probably the last thing you want to think about, but I want you to know that you can try again. Maybe when you’re more settled and ready for a baby.” She’s trying to make me see there’s hope for a child in our future. “You know I love you, right?” I nod in response. “Trust me when I say it’ll get better. It will take time. It’s normal to mourn the loss of something so special, but it will get better. I promise you.”
“Thanks, Mom. Thanks for everything.”
She exhales. “I’ll let you rest. Would you like to come out with me?”
“I will, but first can you send in Bree?” I ask quietly.
“Of course, I’ll get her for you.” She kisses my forehead, then walks out.
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I edge myself to the side of the bed with my knees up to my chest. The door opens slightly, and Bree pops her head around the corner. “Jeni, how are you feeling?”
“I’m all right,” I lie.
Bree sits on the edge of the bed next to me. Resting her hand on my knee, she looks at me with those damn sympathetic eyes that everyone seems to have mastered. “I’m sorry, Jeni.”
My chest squeezes, but I’ve had enough of feeling sorry for myself and being a blubbering mess, so I decide to talk to her about what happened. If anyone can help me with this, it’s Bree.
“Can I tell you something and you won’t tell anyone?”
She hesitates, but nods. “Um… yeah?”
“I think… I think I was pulled down the ladder.”
“Pulled?” she asks as her eyes widen.
“Yes. At the office.”
“By who?” she asks loudly, sounding outraged.
I make a quick decision to tell her everything I remember from the incident. “Niall was with me when the fire alarm went off. He’d asked me to climb up the ladder to grab a box from the top of a cupboard in the kitchen. I felt dizzy while I was on the ladder. He yanked at my top with force causing me to fall.”
Bree gasps while she listens closely to what I tell her about her father. “Shit, Jeni! Are you sure?”
“I was hurt pretty bad and couldn’t move. I was lying on the floor. All he did was to tell me to stop complaining and get up. Then he left me there, on my own, covered in blood and broken glass.”
Bree inhales sharply as she takes in everything I’ve said. “You have to tell Aiden, Jeni. And you should do it now.”
I shake my head. “No! This could and probably will put a strain on their relationship.”
Bree shakes her head with a frown. “You know this puts me in a difficult position. I understand where you’re coming from, though. This news will break Aiden’s heart and will definitely strain their relationship, especially if he knew that Father had a hand in this.” She hugs me, and I have to admit, it feels good finally talking to someone about what I know happened. I’ve been bottling this up since yesterday, having no one I could trust with this secret I have been harboring.
She exhales and shakes her head rather dramatically. “God, I could kill him for this. I can’t believe he pulled you off the ladder and then left you there. What was he thinking?”
“Shh… I don’t want them to hear.”
Aiden opens the door, casually looking in. Concern flows through me that he may have overheard. But I’m reassured when he walks in and sits on the bed next to Bree. “How’s my girl doing?” Aiden asks, not mentioning anything about overhearing us. I’d hate for Aiden to be hurt any more than he already is, and finding out what his father did will surely break him.
Bree grabs my hand with hers and tightens her grip. “She’s going to be fine.”
Aiden leans over and kisses me as Brielle stands.
“Thanks for the chat,” I emphasize as she heads out, closing the door behind her.
Aiden moves in closer to me. “I want to take you away from all the stress, so we can start to move on and hopefully relax. I know we can’t forget what happened, but we can move past this and on to the rest of our lives… we will have children in our future, and I very much look forward to that day, but for now, I think we should go away. You and me, for a week or so, to be together. Relax. Spend some time to heal. What do you think?”
The thought of seeing Niall again makes me feel physically sick, so I quickly agree. I think some time away is exactly what I need. “Sounds perfect.”
“Do you think you could come out to be with everyone? I know they want to see you.” It’s clear in his eyes that he needs me, and he shouldn’t have to deal with this on his own.
We walk out of the bedroom hand in hand. Everyone looks at me exactly how I knew they would, with sympathetic eyes and saddened faces, and that’s okay. Even though I don’t want their sympathies, I understand their need to give it to me. I accept hugs from everyone, but stay close to Aiden the entire time, never letting go of his hand. While everyone makes small talk, Sarah hugs me tightly, and I hug her back. She doesn’t say anything which is perfect. She knows me well—anything she says will just make me cry, and I want to be strong right now. Close friends always know what to do and when to say it. Or in this case, when not to say it.
We spend some quality time with everyone and eventually, they all start to leave.
I exhale when the elevator doors close for the final time, taking the last of our family and friends down to their cars. I turn to glance at Aiden, and at the gift baskets on the coffee table.
“Jeni, we’ve been through something horrible together. There is no right or wrong way to act right now.” He shifts back and smiles. “But we do need some time away. We are leaving in the morning, and we’ll come back next Thursday. Are you okay with that?”
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“Leave that to me. Have you got your passport?”
“Yes, it’s in the bedroom.” I wasn’t expecting that. Where on earth is he taking me?
“Good. You’ll need it tomorrow. It’s a surprise.”
I smile as the excitement inside me builds.
This will be our first vacation together.
Maybe through all this darkness, I will be okay.
Aiden will be the light guiding me back home—as I knew he would.
When I poke my head inside the door, Aiden’s packing two suitcases. I smile at his enthusiasm. While he neatly folds the clothes and places them in the suitcase gently, he looks up and is startled to see me. “Hey, beautiful. How are you feeling?” he asks, wrapping his arm around my waist.
“A little tired and sore, but I’m doing okay.”
He nods and kisses my temple. “We better hurry. We have to leave in ten minutes for the airport.”
My eyes widen in shock because we don’t have much time. I put on a flowing summer maxi dress—I don’t want any pressure on my stomach or the multitude of cuts that litter my body.
Aiden takes both suitcases to the elevator, and we make our way to the car.
“Can you tell me where we’re going?” I ask as the excitement swells inside me.
He pulls me into a cuddle. “Vienna.”
My stomach flips as my eyes widen in excitement. “Vienna. Like, as in Austria. Like in The Sound of Music?”
“Yes. It’s a gorgeous romantic city. I thought it would be perfect for us.” He pulls my head close to his and kisses me as my stomach flutters in excitement.
After spending a nice flight in first class, we land at Vienna International Airport in the late afternoon and move as quickly as we can through customs and out to baggage claim. I’m so excited to be in another country with the love of my life, even if we are here to help us heal.
A chauffeur waiting with a sign saying O’Connell meets us with a warm smile. “Guten tag, Mr. O’Connell,” he greets Aiden.
“Good day to you, too. Call me Aiden, please. And this is Jeni.”
“Sehr gut. Mein name ist Jörg. Aiden and Jeni, bitte folgen Sie mir,” he chimes in German. Taking my suitcase, he walks away quickly.
My eyes widen looking at Aiden for an explanation.
“He said very good. My name is Jörg. Please follow me,” Aiden whispers.
I nod and walk next to him as we reach a black stretch limousine. Aiden places his jacket around me as Jörg puts the suitcases in the trunk and opens the rear door for us. It’s freezing cold, so as I slide into the back of the limousine, the warmth hits me straightaway. Then I notice the roof is lit with tiny blue and purple lights. The bar on the side has neon tube lighting around the edges of it. It’s almost like a miniature nightclub in here, and it makes me giggle.
Aiden slides in next to me. “We’re heading to our hotel first. We’re staying at the Hotel de France Wien which was built in 1872.”
I smile at him. “You seem to know a lot about Vienna.
”
“Yeah, I’ve been here a few times with the family.”
“Tell me more about our hotel. I love historical places.”
“It’s five-star, located on the elegant Ringstraße Boulevard in the center of Vienna. I know you’ll love it.” He pulls me on his lap and leans in kissing me deeply. I’m weak from the loss of our baby or from traveling, maybe both, but I manage to keep up with him.
We arrive at our hotel, and I step out of the limousine to see a large historical building with flags and a giant revolving door. Jörg takes both our bags, and we walk through to the main foyer. The pictures on the wall make for good viewing while he checks us in.
This city is beautiful. You can see the years of history etched in the walls of the buildings. I’m excited we’re here in such a romantic city, where we can heal and simply love each other.
With the bellhop handling our luggage, we make our way to the room.
“I didn’t realize it’d be so cold.” I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep the chill away.
“This is Europe’s cold time of the year.”
Our room is stunning. The bed is king-size, and the room has a three-seat sofa with a large flat-screen television hanging on the wall in the main living area. The ensuite is off to the side, and there’s a kitchenette as well as a coffee nook. The room is absolutely perfect.
And warm.
Once the bellhop makes his exit after dropping off our bags, Aiden walks over to me and leads me to the window. The city skyline is simply breathtaking.
After a long flight and the stress of the past few days, we decide to spend the rest of the day in the suite, ordering room service and relaxing. Lying on the bed next him, I nuzzle into his chest while we watch something on television, of which I can’t understand a single word.
Aiden picks it up reasonably, considering he’s not fluent in German.
I can already feel some of the stress leaving me, making me feel a bit lighter.
