by K E Osborn
“Sarah, I can’t see him,” I mumble under my breath.
“Can I ask why?”
“It’s complicated,” I snap.
“I’ve got all day. No lectures. No judgment. I’m free for at least twelve hours. Is that long enough?” she asks.
I chuckle and then wince in pain as I clutch at my stomach which seems to hurt with any sort of movement. “It’s like this… I don’t… you see… ahh, I don’t know…” I mumble back at her.
She sits on the edge of the bed. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that crazy head of yours,” she says, tapping my head lightly.
I figure if there’s anyone who can help me with this, it’s Sarah. She knows me better than anyone.
“You know when you think you know someone, but then something happens that raises alarm bells, but you put it to the back of your mind because you think it’s a one-time thing and it won’t get worse…”
“Yeah…”
“I feel that way about Aiden now, and I have no idea why. I saw a side of Aiden that reminded me of Jason in his early days, but Aiden swore to me he’d never be that man again, and now, I find out Aiden’s exactly that man after all.”
She looks at me, tilting her head to the side. “What do you mean?”
“Sarah, he has a different side to him.”
Her eyes widen. “Did he hurt you?”
“No, nothing like that. But he did assault Jason, and by the looks of Aiden…” I pause, trying to get my thoughts together because they are completely scrambled. “Aiden’s knuckles are cut up and so is his face. Are all men the same? Aiden’s father had no qualms about pulling me off a ladder,” I lay everything on the line.
She looks at me. “Honestly, all men are not the same. Look at Chris, you adore him like a brother, and he’s not violent.” Her face crinkles with worry lines. “Wait! What do you mean Niall pulled you off a ladder?”
“I didn’t tell you at the time, and Aiden has no idea, but Niall pulled me off the ladder when I fell and lost the baby.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me? We’re best friends. We’re supposed to tell each other everything. I’d have helped you get through it, and I know Aiden would have as well.”
“I didn’t tell you because you’d tell Chris and then he’d tell Aiden. I couldn’t risk Aiden finding out. Aiden’s relationship with his father is on rocky ground as it is.”
She shakes her head. “You should’ve trusted me. I know trust is a big thing for you, but I’ve known you for most of my life. If you didn’t want Chris to know, I wouldn’t have told him. Chicks before dicks, remember?”
I half-smile. “All I can say is I’m sorry. I really don’t know how I’m going to get past this ingrained fear I have of men. I mean, Niall turned out like his father, so why wouldn’t Aiden do the same?”
“That’s not fair! I don’t think Aiden’s anything like Niall. Not. At. All. I’m confused as to why you think he would go down that path.”
Urgh, she’s not getting it.
“Sarah, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I am scared of men and how they may turn out. Let’s face it, my track record isn’t good. I mean look at Aiden right now. His knuckles are grazed, and his eyebrow is cut. He obviously beat Jason severely for his knuckles to look like that and be questioned so heavily by the police. How do I know he won’t get angry and do that to me?”
“Jeni, listen… Aiden would never hurt you. He loves you too much. Jason attacked you, Jeni. Aiden was protecting, you!”
“Jason said he loved me and look what he did,” I rebut, pointing at my face.
Sarah sighs. “Okay, this isn’t getting us anywhere. Maybe take a few days to think about it. Don’t make any irrational decisions just yet. You’ve been through something extremely traumatic, and I honestly don’t think you’re thinking straight because you’re not making a lot of sense.”
“Sarah, I’m thinking the clearest I have in months.”
She grimaces. “Please… talk this through with Aiden before you decide on your next step. It’s only fair that he knows how you’re feeling.” I take in a deep breath and then sigh. “You’re like the sister I never had, and I’m really worried about you and not just your physical health, your mental health as well,” she admits, taking my hand in hers and holding it tightly.
“I know, but don’t worry. I’m fine. A bit bruised and battered. I will figure it out.”
“But what about the way you’re reacting to men?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s like you’re scared of them… all. First with the male nurse and then Aiden—”
“I was beaten… by my ex-partner. I think I have the right to be a little fucking uneasy around men, don’t you?” I defend.
“I’m worried, that’s all. You might need some help with this.”
“I know.”
“Look, Aiden’s outside. Do you want me to tell him to come in? I can stay right here if you need me.”
Why can’t she understand what I’m saying?
“For fuck’s sake, Sarah. Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? I don’t want to see him. I don’t want him near me. I don’t want… him, or any man,” I yell.
“But, Jeni—”
“No. No buts, Sez. You don’t understand…” I run my hand through my hair. “Just leave.”
She shakes her head. “Jeni?”
“Go!” I yell.
Sarah puts her hands up in defeat. Tears pool in her eyes as she gets up and leaves.
Why won’t anyone listen to me?
I don’t want a man in my life—any man—they just cause me so much pain. Honestly, right now, I can’t see myself being with anyone ever again. All I can see is a future where I’m on my own. My eyes flood with tears as I curl myself into a ball and cry into my pillow.
A little while later, a nurse strolls in. “What’s wrong, Jenifer? Are you in pain?” I shake my head. “Then what’s wrong, sweetheart?”
I can’t say anything because I’m incapable right now. Maybe my head is so screwed I’m not making sense. The problem is, in my mind, I am making perfect sense.
She brings a chair over next to my bed and sits beside me, laying a gentle hand on my arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Let it all out, sweetheart. You’ve been through something horrific, and you’ve every right to cry. To be honest, this is cathartic and the first step to healing. I’m here, and I won’t go until you tell me to.”
“Thank you,” I mumble through my sobs.
I continue to cry, and it feels good to let my emotions out. The nurse doesn’t leave my side, moving her hand to mine. After what I’m sure is hours, my crying subsides to hiccups and the occasional tear running down my cheek.
Dinner is brought into my room, and the nurse smiles at me. “I think you should try to eat something,” she urges calmly. She brings the table across so it’s over me, and I sit up as best I can on the bed. She lifts the cover off the plate to reveal shepherd’s pie, and it instantly reminds me of Nana.
Oh, goddammit! An overwhelming sense of grief for the family I’ll lose if I leave Aiden, a family I have grown to love, washes over me.
The nurse senses my shift in my mood, so she sits back down next to my bed. “You know, everyone is worried about you. Maybe you should let some of them in, but only if you’re ready, of course.” She treads carefully and speaks quietly. “Now, eat your dinner. You have to keep up your strength.” I pick up a fork and start to eat the lukewarm pie. “That’s a good girl.” She leans back in her chair as I place another piece into my mouth. “How are you feeling now?”
“Better. Thank you for staying. It’s helping. What time does your shift end?”
“Never mind that. I’m here for long as you need me, Jenifer.”
I know I can’t keep her for much longer, she’s been in here for hours.
Another nurse walks into my room. “Sandy, your shift ended about…” she looks at her watch, “… four hours ago.”
Sandy looks at the new nurse with her brows furrowed while I almost choke on some of my pie.
“Oh God, Sandy. I’m so sorry.”
She takes my hand. “You needed me. And I won’t go anywhere until you tell me to, remember?”
“Then go. Don’t stay here when you could be at home with your family. Thank you so much for your help and support, but I’m fine now. I’m sure…” I look at the new nurse.
“Gwen,” she tells me.
“I’m sure Gwen will help me if I need it. Please, I feel horrible. You should be at home, not here with some nut job like me.”
She grimaces. “Jenifer, you’re not a nut job. Like I said before, you’ve been through something horrific, and it’s okay to be a little confused and scared of the world. As for family, my patients are my family, so I’m right where I need to be.”
I concede and let her stay.
Gwen walks out of the room, leaving me with my new friend.
Glancing up, I see Mom standing in the doorway, smiling at me. She must have arrived as Gwen was leaving. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, sweetheart. You look a little better.”
Sandy stands and walks to the other side of my bed, letting Mom take her chair.
“Thank you,” Mom says to Sandy.
“I do feel a bit better, Mom. Sandy’s been helping me.”
Mom smiles. “I was talking to the doctor, and he said you might be able to go home tomorrow.”
I frown when I realize my home is with Aiden, and my eyes widen.
Is that fear I am feeling?
Oh shit! I take in a deep breath.
Mom watches me carefully. “Sweetheart, don’t you want to go home?”
Sarah’s words ring in my ear. “Maybe take a few days to think about it. Don’t make any irrational decisions just yet.”
If I go home, I’m agreeing to go back to the apartment with Aiden, alone.
“Do you want me to tell Aiden to come in?” Mom asks, obviously trying to get me to alter my decision.
My entire body tenses involuntarily.
“Perhaps he should wait a little longer. She’s had an extremely rough day, and maybe she needs some rest,” Sandy states.
Mom looks at her and frowns. “He’s still out there waiting for you to call him in. He looks terrible, and all he wants is you.”
I feel bad, but I don’t waver.
My mind is made up.
“I’m tired. Maybe I should get some rest,” I counter as Sandy takes my hand.
Mom frowns but kisses my forehead. “Know that I love you, Aiden loves you, we all love you, and we want you back.”
I swallow hard and sigh. “I love you, too.”
Mom leaves the room, and Sandy holds my hand tightly. “Is there a reason you don’t want to see your fiancé?” I nod. “Is it because he’s male?” I shrug. “Has he ever hurt you?”
It seems she knows what I’m going through, and I think I can trust her to open up. “Not intentionally. He was a bit rough during sex this one time, but he didn’t hurt me.”
“So, because of that, you think he could get rough with you again? I don’t think that’s enough to break your relationship. There must be more to it than that?”
“There is… my ex... Jason, the man who put me in here. He was mentally abusive to start, then he turned physical. Aiden’s father is mentally abusive toward me, and he pulled me off a ladder that led to me miscarrying. I am worried the pattern could repeat with Aiden.”
“You know, not everyone turns out like their parents. Some make conscious decisions to ensure they won’t.”
“I know, but I hate not knowing what he’ll be like in ten, twenty, fifty years’ time. What if he turns out exactly like his father?”
“Then you deal with that then. Tomorrow is another day. We should live for today. I have to say it’s unfair on your fiancé to class him like that. If you give up on him now, then won’t you always wonder, what if? What if he doesn’t turn out like his father? What if you throw away a perfectly good relationship because you are scared of something that may never happen?”
I breathe in slowly as what she says rings true. What if Aiden turns out nothing like Niall? Then I’d be throwing us away because of Jason, which is exactly what Jason wanted.
Is this a light-bulb moment?
“I’m not ready to see Aiden, but if I go home tomorrow, I’ll talk this through with him then. See what he says and decide from there.”
“Good plan.”
“Thank you, Sandy, for everything. It’s like you understand me and what I’m going through,” I tell her sincerely.
“I do,” she says quietly. “I do know exactly what you’re going through. My ex-partner beat me and my family. He killed my parents and nearly killed me, so I know exactly how you feel. I also understand your fear of men. I know all about that, too… it gets easier with time, and I find that surrounding myself with things to keep me busy helps as well. That’s why I stayed with you, Jenifer. You remind me of me when I was in here, looking just like you do now and questioning everything I stood for.”
My chest heaves as I look at her with tears in my eyes. “Oh my God, Sandy, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not. Yes, of course I wish my parents were still here with me every second of every day, but wishing doesn’t get you anywhere. You have to move on. I feel like a stronger person because of it. I know it sounds strange, but in a way, it helps me because I know how to help people who go through the same thing… like you. This will make you a stronger woman. Trust me on that.”
“I don’t know how to recover from this.” I shake my head.
“Everyone’s different, but you will recover. Of that, I’m sure.”
I look at her and see a brave young woman who has the scars of torment like me, but it seems she’s coping with it all the same.
Maybe this will get easier.
Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel as they say.
“Here, take this.” Sandy hands me a piece of paper.
I raise my eyebrow. “What’s this?”
“It’s my cell number if you need me, anytime, to talk, or for some guidance, or to simply sit with. Call me. Promise me you will if you need to.”
“Of course, thank you so much. I don’t think I could’ve gotten through this without you.”
“A stranger can be more comfort than those you love. Funny, but sometimes our brains work in mysterious ways.”
“Thanks, Sandy, for everything. But I want you to go home, I’m going to try and get some sleep.”
She smiles. “If you need me at any time during the night, call me. I don’t care what time it is. Promise me?”
“I promise. Now go. I’m sure you must be hungry.”
“Starving,” she chimes as she walks toward the door but spins around at the last minute. “Anytime. Okay?”
“Anytime,” I reply.
Sandy exits the room, and I sigh, feeling a little better about myself now.
I still have mixed emotions about Aiden. However, knowing that with time, perhaps it will get easier. And that thought alone makes me feel lighter somehow.
The next day dawns, and the doctor comes in with Mom and Sarah, and Sarah has brought some clothes for me to wear home.
“How are you feeling, Jenifer? Ready to head home?” the doctor asks as I sit up in bed.
“Yep, sure am.”
“I have some numbers here for you should you need any counseling or group therapy to help with your recovery.” The doctor hands me the flyers.
“Thank you.”
“Other than that, everything’s normal. You’re standing and walking on your own, and you’re able to go to the bathroom and eat by yourself, so I think you’re ready. Relax and take it easy for the next few weeks. No work for two weeks. Here are your discharge papers and good luck.” She hands me more pieces of paper and walks out.
Mom and Sarah shift to my side, still with those concerned expre
ssions on their faces. “How are you… really?” Sarah asks as Mom watches me closely.
“I’m okay, I think. I want to go home and talk things out with Aiden.”
Sarah pulls out a pair of jeans and a top, so I take off my gown and with help, pull on my clothes as quickly as I can. I go into the bathroom, and Sarah pulls my hair up into a ponytail while I check over my bruised face. It looks better than when I first saw it, but I’m still a train wreck.
Walking back out, Mom has gathered my things, and we’re ready to leave. With a deep breath, I try to mentally prepare myself as I know I’m going to see Aiden for the first time in four days.
Mom takes my hand, and we make our way toward the door, and to the left I see Aiden hunched over, sitting in the chair with his head in his hands.
“Aiden,” Mom announces, and he looks up. His eyes are full of pain and suffering, his face has a four-day growth, and he looks pale and thin. I wonder if he’s eaten in the last few days as he stands.
He reaches out to touch me, but then pulls his hand back just as quickly as he stares into my eyes. I can’t help but look away, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even seeing the torment he’s going through, I just can’t seem to pull out of this funk enough to consider him and his feelings.
He exhales deeply as we all start to walk to the nurses’ station.
Sarah stands next to Aiden while I feel his eyes on me. Mom wraps her arm around my body while I’m discharged from the hospital, and then we make our way to the car.
“It’s good to see you, Miss Taylor.”
“Thanks, Mike,” I reply soberly, keeping my distance from him as well.
He opens the car door for me to get in.
I turn to Mom and Sarah, a tear forming in my swollen eyes as fear settles in for no apparent reason.
“You’ll be fine, honey. Aiden will take good care of you.” Mom hugs me gently.
I slowly ease myself into the car, this time sitting in the window seat and not in the middle next to Aiden like I normally would.
Aiden hugs Mom and Sarah, and they both smile at him supportively when he hops into the car.
Sitting as far away from him as I can possibly get, an air of disappointment flows over Aiden’s face when he looks at me. Without another word from Mike, he starts the car, and we head to the apartment.
