by Kacey Shea
“I don’t drink. Remember?”
“Oh?” Her gaze lifts, hard and icy. “How would I know? I don’t know anything about you.” She abandons the bottle and brings one of the glasses to her lips, taking in a long sip and not breaking her stare.
I shove to my feet. “I think I’ll go lie down. I’m tired from the flight.”
My mom leans back in her chair, her gaze drifting out toward the wall of windows that showcase the expansive estate. This place used to be full of life, even if it was a little pretentious. My mother used to host fundraisers, lavish parties, and endless social events. But no more. Not since my father’s stroke.
It’s sad that he spent his entire life working and my mother spent hers keeping up pretenses, and for what? They still have the house, wealth, and every extravagance money can buy, but she hides away in this ivory tower refusing to let anyone in. Maybe it’s how she’s able to maintain this state of denial—nothing’s wrong if no one can see it. Must be exhausting playing pretend, though I wonder if it’s second nature to her.
She’s not the only one with secrets to protect. I wonder if my father regrets living a double life, or if he would even apologize if he could speak.
My footfalls are the only sounds as I walk down the empty hall. I stop at his door, unsure whether I’m ready for this. There’s a swirling mix of anger, resentment, and longing I can’t fight. I want to hate him. That would be easier. He had this whole other secret life. Another family. Another daughter. I haven’t forgiven him, but I understand that right and wrong aren’t always black and white. Life is filled with gray, and if anyone can understand that, it’s me. As hard as it’ll be to walk inside his bedroom, it’ll be infinitely harder reuniting with the friends I cut out of my life years ago. I’m filled with my own sense of guilt, shame, for staying away so long.
When our plane landed there was a voice message from Jill waiting on my phone. She invited me to a luncheon they’re hosting tomorrow for all the out-of-town guests and the wedding party. I want to go. I can. It’s not as if my schedule is packed. In fact, it’s probably better I do attend rather than wait for her wedding day to introduce her to Matthew. Tomorrow will bring quite a shock, and while I could just call, after all these years it seems impersonal. There’s too much to catch up on. Too much time has passed. It’s strange, but with the distance I could pretend this part of my life—and the people I considered friends—never existed.
Maybe that’s why my father hid his other family in Spain all these years?
I wish I could ask.
I stop at his door, pausing only for a second before I knock softly and push it open.
Theresa, his nurse on duty, smiles warmly at my arrival. She closes her book and stands as I walk over to the hospital style bed.
“Hi, Daddy.” My voice breaks, cracking along with some of my nerves. I take in his appearance, wondering how it’s possible he looks more frail than when we video chat. It’s not as if this is a surprise. My brothers and I talk every week, but the reality of my father’s health hits differently seeing him in person. Despite all the therapies and treatments since his stroke, he hasn’t recovered and this man on the bed is a shell of the father who raised me.
“He’s having a good day,” Theresa says, her voice full of reassurance. “Slept really good too.”
“Good.” I force a smile that doesn’t feel right. Growing up, my father was larger than life. His presence was one of strength. Seeing him like this, his cheeks hollow from weight loss and body stiff from lack of movement, it’s as if he’s not really here, even though his body is. His eyes are clear but stare into nothing, not even acknowledging my presence.
“Would you like some time alone?”
I nod, unable to form words without breaking into tears. As she exits the room, I pull a chair close and take his hand in mine, the warmth of his skin calming my racing nerves. In my mind, I tell him everything. About today’s flight. How scared I am for this week. I tell him about Matthew, but it’s bittersweet. I always imagined my father would be the kind of grandpa to take his grandkids on trips and teach them how to play soccer like he did me and my brothers—but that reality isn’t possible. I mourn the life we should have had. I share my worries about Mom too.
I wish I could ask him so many things. “There’s so much I never said,” I whisper aloud. That’s the thing about regret, it weighs down your soul, heavy with the words you never said, the things you never did. It leaves questions unanswered. A frustrating, agitating clawing that never goes away.
That’s why I need to be here now. Life provides no guarantees and time is precious. I’m done wasting it. Done hiding behind fears. I need to come clean with my friends, introduce my son, and see Chase again. Even if it breaks my heart.
5
Chase
Cam and Jill’s wedding is being held at a quaint repurposed farm, a good thirty minutes outside of Richmond. Because of availability and schedules, they decided to hold the rehearsal on a weekday, meeting for lunch at one of their favorite barbeque joints before caravanning to the venue.
Which is why on this unseasonably warm autumn Tuesday, I find myself sipping a soda and chatting with my niece while we wait for the rest of their guests to arrive. Kenslee and I are perched at one of the high tops in the back corner of the room. Yes, I picked this spot so I had a constant view of the doorway. I want to see her before she sees me. I don’t know why it’s so important, but it is. I’m not even certain Alicia’s coming to the rehearsal lunch, but I know Jill invited her. I don’t know exactly how I’ll react to seeing her again, but my plan is to play it cool and let her set the pace.
Or at least keep up the appearance of cool. Inside, my stomach’s tied in knots and under the table, my knee won’t stop bouncing.
“Don’t you think that’s awesome?” Kenslee interrupts my spinning thoughts with her bright, bubbly tone.
“Hmm?” Fuck. I wasn’t paying attention. This kid can talk about video games for hours and while I’m all for gaming, the block-crap ones she plays hold zero interest for my brain.
“Uncle Chase! You weren’t paying attention again!”
“Sorry, Kenz. You lost me at the ultimate crafter glitch thingy. Now ask me about Grand Theft Auto and I’m your man.”
She rolls her eyes. “Momma won’t let me play that game. She says it’s too violent.”
“It is. Your mom’s a smart woman.” Even if she isn’t my favorite person in the world. I’m happy Cam and his ex have a good relationship now, but in the beginning she manipulated my brother and kept him from seeing his own daughter. That’s something I can’t totally forgive.
“If I sleep over”—Kenz leans forward, dropping her voice to a murmur—“We could play and no one would have to know.” She flashes me a grin.
Lord. This is my brother’s child. “I don’t know if I want to be accomplice to your rebellion.” I chuckle, reining in my grin. “Besides, someone will rat us out.”
“Then you need to play Roblox with me!”
“Maybe.” I laugh and my eyes dart to the door, movement catching my attention like it has a dozen other times in the past ten minutes. Only this time my heart lodges in my throat. Because it’s her. Alicia.
Fuck. I never thought I’d see her again, and now she’s here looking better than ever. She’s filled out, her curves more profound than before. Her hair is longer, the color a deep brunette. But her smile is just as I remember, even if it’s guarded. My chest aches with a familiar pang. I used to know her. Inside and out, better than anyone. But now we’re practically strangers and it stings. Nostalgia for the summer we spent together overcomes my thoughts.
I want her to look at me. I need to see if she feels it too. I wait for her to scan the room, but quickly lose patience. Fuck it.
Abandoning my niece, I slide from my chair, ready to stomp across the room and haul Alicia into my arms. All my plans to play it cool fly out the window. A primal need to touch her, hear her voice, and gain her sm
ile fuels my confidence.
Her chin turns. Our eyes meet. My pulse races, along with my confidence.
Only, it’s cut short when I notice her slide her hand through the arm of another man. A man holding a child. What the fuck?
“Alicia! Oh my God! You’re really here!” Callie shouts, dragging Alicia’s stare away from mine.
Soon she’s enveloped in hugs and greetings, crowded by Jill, Cam, Callie, Ash, and several other guests. I should join them but I hang back, my gaze stuck on the small boy being held by Alicia’s date.
She moved on. She started a family. That’s why she stayed away. Fuck. It shouldn’t bother me, but it hurts to see her with someone else. An overwhelming urge to punch him in his friendly, smiling face curl my hands into fists. With a measured exhale, I relax my fingers and will myself to look away from the couple. A million questions enter my mind. Who is this man? This child? He must be hers; he looks exactly like her. I can’t believe she moved on, and so quickly. I don’t know jack shit about babies or child development but the kid can’t be older than three. The math isn’t complicated.
Was I so easy to get over? Did our summer together mean anything? Surely, it didn’t hold the same significance for her as it did for me.
The man at her side flashes her a secret grin, the kind people share when they know the other’s thoughts without having to say a word. A flash of jealousy sparks with that one look, spreading through my veins as a new realization hits—I should be the one trading secret stares with Alicia. This guy she’s with isn’t anything special. He seems extremely average; if anything, the epitome of safe. Why him? What does he have that I don’t? Does he make her happy?
Memories of our stolen summer plays like a movie in the back of my mind. I once held her laughter, her smiles—her heart. But I was the one to fuck it all up.
My gaze collides with Alicia’s again. It’s only for a moment, but I swear she can read all the questions in my mind. Her smile is polite, but her eyes, they hold answers. Full of compassion, or maybe regret? I sense her reluctance and it breaks open old wounds. The pain of her leaving, running. Away from us; away from me. Because I wasn’t whole. I wasn’t good enough. Not for her.
My insides are a jumbled mess, and standing back doesn’t gain me an ounce of closure. Faking a calm I don’t feel, I step forward with an easy grin to join the group.
It shouldn’t matter what she thinks, but I’m desperate to show Alicia she was wrong about me. I’m sober, healthy, and happy. When she left town she missed out on what we could have been, but that didn’t stop me from healing. Apparently, it didn’t stop her from finding someone else and making a family of her own, without me.
6
Alicia
“Fuck. It’s good to see you again.” Jill wraps me into her warm embrace.
I squeeze her back, closing my eyes tight so they won’t drift back to Chase. He’s here. Of course he is. His stepbrother is the groom, after all. My mistake is thinking I could handle it. “Jilly. You’re getting married!” I infuse every bit of excitement into my words, praying it covers my nerves.
She steps out of my arms, her smile wide. “I know! Fuck! Can you believe it?”
“You look fantastic!” Callie beams, stepping away from her boyfriend Ash’s side to give me a hug. “You always do.”
“And who is this cutie?” Cam playfully taps Matthew’s elbow.
My son averts his gaze, tucking his head into Simon’s shoulder. It’s his go-to move when he’s overwhelmed by attention.
I feel everyone’s gazes go from Matthew to Simon, and then back to me. I sense their unspoken questions and my stomach plummets. Their silent judgment settles on my shoulders. Why did I think I could do this?
“I hope you’re talking about the babe, and not me,” Simon teases, earning a few laughs and easing the tension.
“Sorry, where are my manners?” I finally find my voice and insert all the confidence I can muster. “This is Simon, and this,” I reach for my son, his little arms wrapping around my neck, giving me as much comfort as I offer him. “This is Matthew. My son.”
I’ve seen the movies where everyone’s stunned silent at the sound of a record scratch. It isn’t my intent to recreate that when introducing my son today, yet that’s exactly what happens. Every conversation in the room hushes. All eyes fall on me and my little boy. I fight the instinct to lash out or retreat. The urge to protect Matthew at all costs is overwhelming, but I recognize that their shock isn’t misplaced. I should have told them. I can only imagine their surprise, and maybe disappointment. It’s more than understandable. Above everything, I avoid Chase’s gaze even though I know it’s on us. Shame floods my cheeks, hot and heavy with the weight of the answers I owe him.
“Wow.” Jill smiles, but it’s forced. “Looks like we’ve missed some major life events.” The hurt in her tone is as clear as the sky outside.
“Matthew?” My son’s name coming from Chase’s mouth does something to my insides. Does he make the connection? Is it obvious to everyone?
My spine straightens, an imaginary shield of armor coming up to protect my son. “Yes.” I bring my gaze to hold his, wondering if he can see my weakness. There’s no way he can know my thoughts, or what I’ve endured in these years apart, but the hurt in his chocolate brown eyes hits like a punch to the gut. I’ve disappointed him. Pasting a fake smile on my lips, I turn to my friends and pray for acceptance. “And we are so excited to be here for your big day. Thank you for the invitation, Jill. It came at the perfect time.”
“Are you still at the university in London?” Jill asks, her polite smile back in place.
“I’m finished with my Master’s and have been involved in several research projects while working on my doctorate.”
“A doctor?” Callie’s brows shoot up. “That’s great.”
My friends are trying, but the conversation is stilted and it’s my own damn fault. Maybe coming today was a mistake. “It’ll be another year or so, but yeah.”
“I’m sure that keeps you busy,” Jill says, her gaze drifting down to my son.
“It does.” I hate that there’s an awkwardness between us. That it’s my fault. I wish I could bridge the years we’ve missed, or beg for a fresh start. But this isn’t the time for that. “So what’s new with you all?” I ask, but my gaze drifts back to Chase as Callie and Jill do their best to keep the conversation light and impersonal.
Simon places his hand at my back, playing the role of the perfect boyfriend. I wish he would stop. I don’t miss how Chase’s nostrils flare. Of course, he has no reason or right to be jealous, but still I feel horrible. Why did I think this was a good idea?
“Mommy, down.” Matthew kicks his feet, getting restless and bored with the adult conversation. Or maybe he senses my unease.
“I’ve got him,” Simon says, taking his hand. “You catch up with your friends.” I should be thankful he’s so good with my son, but I watch them trail off, wishing I could escape too.
“How long are you back in town for?” Cam asks.
“A little over a week.”
“Are you staying with your parents?” Callie asks, and I catch the hint of concern in her tone. She and Jill know a little of the relationship I’ve had with my mother, and it’s touching she still cares. Maybe I haven’t completely obliterated a chance for us to rekindle our friendship.
“Yeah.” I exhale some of the stress in my body. “They send their best.”
“I was hoping they’d be able to make the wedding,” Jill says. “I haven’t seen them since before you left.”
“Yeah. Well. They really wanted to make it.” I lie for my mother to respect her wishes, but instantly regret it. Jill and Callie aren’t mere acquaintances, they were my best friends. They’ve spent the holidays with my parents, and come along on vacations. They deserve to know why things are different.
“Excuse me.” A woman in the restaurant’s logo’d uniform steps forward. “We’re ready to serve lunch whene
ver you are.”
“Perfect. Thanks,” Jill says, then turns to Cam. “You want to round everyone up?”
Cam whistles, drawing everyone’s attention and I am thankful for the interruption. I slip away to find Simon and Matthew. Overall, this went better than I expected, but still. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this afternoon. My stomach feels as if it’s twisted into a tight knot. Even my lungs feel short of breath. I keep a smile pasted on my face when on the inside I’m fighting the urge to run. It’s a little too late for that.
7
Chase
I make it through the lunch without staring at Alicia and her new family the entire time, and for that I should be given an award. It’s hard when I’m so drawn to her, and her son. His name is Matthew. My last name is Matthews. Does the similarity hold some significance? Or maybe I’m reaching. It’s a common name, and egotistical to think she named her own child after me, someone she hated for years—and for good reason.
I don’t see wedding rings, but I wonder if this clown is her future and how serious they are. Simon. He’s younger than I am. Skinny. And so fucking British. It annoys me every time one of Jill or Cam’s friends gushes over his accent. I wonder if Alicia intentionally set out to find a man who’s the opposite of me in every possible way. If she did, it’s a fucking success.
I have no reason to be this annoyed at her or her date. She made herself perfectly clear when she left and I know where I stand. Hell, I’ve got no right to be jealous; I’m with someone too. I wish I had pushed Julia to be here today, just so I could watch Alicia’s reaction. Would she be happy for me, or would she harbor resentment that I’ve moved on?
At least I thought I’d moved on.
Obviously not.
