by Kacey Shea
Because the stranger from the bar ended up being one of the undergraduate students in my classes. I almost died when he walked into my classroom weeks after I invited him back to my hotel. By the surprise in his expression, he felt the same. Even now, months into the fall semester, he goes out of his way to interact on a strictly professional level. Which is a relief. As attractive as Simon was, he wasn’t Chase.
“Fuck it.” I slam my textbook closed and spend a few minutes pulling on cute clothes and brushing on makeup. My pants are tight around the waistband and I cringe. It’s been months since my body has seen a gym. Whatever. This is the first day I’ve felt halfway human since moving here. I am doing something fun.
Lacing up my most comfortable shoes, I study the public transit routes one last time, then slide on a jacket on my way out the door. I pitstop for a coffee and pastry, and catch the train to my destination. St. Paul’s Cathedral is on my list of must-see places and from the moment I step foot inside, my breath catches as an overpowering sense of peace brings tears to my eyes.
The stained-glass windows paint little rainbows of light across the floor. The paintings created in this space speak to the hardships of people over the centuries. The challenge to choose good over evil. To persevere. I don’t consider myself an overly religious person, but this ancient church building is proof of something greater. It’s reassuring to know it’s still standing. That it’s overcome and endured. Just like the human spirit.
I’m going to be okay. The thought wraps around my shoulders like a warm blanket, and by the time I emerge, I believe it’s the truth. No matter what happens. No matter how hard life gets, I am going to be okay. I’m meant to be here—in this place and time—and that’s enough.
Finding a pew, I take a seat and absorb the grandeur of it all. The last few months have been insane and there have been so many times I’ve wanted to quit, pack everything up and fly back to Richmond. I haven’t felt myself exactly, but something shifts and the future feels bright again.
After another hour, I leave to find a nearby café to grab lunch, my stomach already grumbling with hunger. My body and feet sigh in thanks the second I sit down. I haven’t done this much walking in forever. I order and when the food comes out quickly, I devour it all. People watching keeps me entertained, but I can’t help but think of how much more fun this would be with Callie and Jill. A pang of loneliness hits me and I jump as my phone rings from its place in my bag.
I can hardly believe the caller ID. “Callie?”
“Alicia! It’s so good to hear your voice!”
“Same. I was just thinking about you, and then you called.”
“I miss you. It’s been too long.”
“How are you? How’s Ash?”
“We’re good. He ran out to the store and I thought I’d try you.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“The time zone thing is killer. I’d call more, but I don’t want to wake you, and weekends seem to fill up. I can’t believe you’ve been gone for four months now.”
“No.” I shake my head, sure she’s wrong, but then realize the date. I exhale a long breath. “Shit. You’re right.” I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to get out and enjoy the city. I’m in one of the most beautiful places on the earth, full of history, and I need to take advantage. I have to stop living in the past.
Four freaking months.
Oh. My. God.
My stomach plummets and the food I consumed threatens to reemerge. With my heart hammering in my chest, I quickly do the math—count the days—but really there’s no point. I haven’t had a menstrual cycle since I’ve been here in London. I knew it had been a while. Attributed missing a month due to stress, but I’ve been living in a state of denial, because four months is a hell of a long time. “Shit. Callie, I have to go. I’m sorry.” I attempt to mask the terror in my voice but do a poor job.
“Is everything okay?” Callie says, alarm clear in her tone. “Alicia, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. It’s fine. I’m fine. Just . . .” My eyes dart around the table, searching for an excuse. “I spilled my drink,” I lie. “It’s all over my dress. I’ll call you back later?”
“Of course.” Callie’s relief is clear but mine is nowhere in sight. “Call me whenever. Love you.”
“Love you, too,” I whisper breathlessly and end the call before I’m tempted to say more. I grab for my wallet and toss a few bills on the table, then rush down the street.
I’m in a daze, not really seeing or feeling anything around me as I make it back to campus. There’s a pharmacy across the street and I walk inside, my head bowed and heart racing. When I find the pregnancy tests, my head feels light. I wonder if I might pass out. I need to get back to my dorm. I’m seconds from falling apart. Rushing down the aisle, I turn the corner toward the check out and drop the box as I slam into another customer. I suck in a breath. What the—? “Sorry. So sorry.” My hands shake, my gaze dropping to where the pregnancy test fell, and for a second I actually think I might throw up. I can’t move.
“No need to worry,” the man says, squatting down to pick up my dropped item. “Accidents happen.” He stands to his full height. “Oh.” His lips tip up with the start of a smile. A smile I know.
Oh, God. No. The universe must hate me. Because the man standing in front of me is not only one of my students, but he is also the guy from the bar. Simon.
“Oh, fuck.” Recognition dawns on his face as I take back the box of pregnancy tests.
There’s no reason to hide it. He’s already seen what it is, but still I shove the slender box behind my back as if that will erase what just happened.
“Mrs. Martin.” He clears his throat and forces a smile. “It’s good to see you.” His kindness is more than I can take. What must he think of me? How messed up this all is. Before I can turn away my resolve shatters and tears burst from my eyes.
“Oh, bollocks,” he swears, his eyes wide and confused as if he doesn’t know what exactly to do with the professor melting down in the middle of a pharmacy. For some reason his reaction causes me to laugh. Not a normal, joyful laugh but the kind that’s manic and crazy.
“Uh, um.” He glances around. Probably searching for a more responsible adult to handle my outburst.
I hold up the box in my hand, no longer caring about discretion or propriety. What would my mother think? Oh, God. I’m a fucking mess. Tears leak from my eyes as I laugh again. “I’m pregnant—or my ovaries are broken, but I’m probably pregnant—and I don’t know what to do.” I choke out the last words, my crying winning out.
“Hey.” Simon steps forward, his arms warm and comforting as he pulls me to his chest. “It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not,” I manage to say between sobs. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to, not about this. That hurts the most. The pang of homesickness is almost too much.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” Simon rubs my back, whispering words of comfort as I continue to cry at the end cap of the pharmacy. As unprofessional as it is, I let him, leaning into his solid form. “I’ve got you. I’m here. You’re going to be just fine,” he murmurs into my hair.
God, I pray he’s right.
15
Alicia
Present Day
“Oh, yeah!” Chase pumps his fist as we step inside Jill and Cam’s house. “Do I smell fried chicken?”
“You know it!” Jill grins, her fork poised at her mouth. “Help yourselves; everything’s in the kitchen. Please. Cam got so much.”
“That’s because I love my woman,” Cam says, piling his plate high in the kitchen.
I follow Chase through the house, noticing little changes to the décor.
“Stop calling me your woman.” Jill stabs a bite of salad, then points her fork at Cam.
Cam slides out of the kitchen to let us pass, and Chase hands me a plate from one of the cabinets.
“I’m not a piece of property,” Jill s
ays.
Cam chuckles, setting his plate at the space across from Jill. “Okay, but after Saturday I’m referring to you as my wife.”
“Caveman,” she says while chewing.
“You love me.” Cam waggles his brows, then stalks over to her side of the table, his smile devious.
“Cam! No!” Jill shouts, but it doesn’t stop him.
Cam races for her, wrapping his arms around her and planting slopping kisses all over her neck as she laughs and begs for him to stop. They’re so damn happy. I don’t remember her being this way. Not so carefree and open with her affection for Cam. It only reiterates how much I’ve missed.
“It’s gross, isn’t it?” Chase whispers, leaning close. His breath tickles my ear and sends goose bumps down my arms. “They’ve been like this all month. I think the wedding made it worse.”
I swallow hard, but not because of anything he said. It’s more that I’m frozen in place with him this close. His good-humored smile is almost too much. I don’t deserve his friendship. I shouldn’t be here. Not after the hurt I caused when I cut him and everyone else out. I don’t understand why everyone is being so damn nice.
“Hey, what secrets are you two telling?” Jill shouts, shoving Cam back toward his seat. “Get in here and share with us.”
Chase looks away, focusing on filling his plate. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but I swear there’s an instant shift in his mood. I don’t know what erased his smile, but I want to earn it back.
I make my plate and join Cam and Jill at the kitchen table, feeling very much like an outsider. My stomach twists with nerves, but I do my best to eat because I don’t want to be rude.
“I really appreciate your help today,” Jill says.
“Yeah.” Cam nods. “And for coming in with the save. Jill won’t stop talking about how beautiful your parents’ place is. I can’t wait to see it.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “Kinda crazy to think this is all going down in two days.”
“I’m happy it all worked out,” I say as Chase takes the empty seat across from mine.
“Alicia’s parents are a hoot. They used to throw the biggest and best parties,” Jill says, pausing to take a sip from her soda. “I hope they’ll be around. I really miss them.”
I don’t exactly know how to answer. I can’t imagine my mom will hide away with everything happening on-site, but at the same time there’s a good chance she’ll be passed out drunk. “I’m sure Mom will stop by if she can.”
“Is your dad out of town with work?” Jill asks. “He worked in Spain a lot.”
“Um.” My stomach rolls and the urge to agree just so she’ll stop asking questions is really strong. “He used to.”
“He retired?” Jill says, clueless to my discomfort because I’ve become a pro at hiding the truth. “Wow. I never thought that day would come. Did your brothers take over the business?”
“Yeah.” I nod, able to at least be honest about this. “Ricky and Eddie don’t live and breathe work like he did, but they like it.” Or at least I think they do. My brothers never had the drive to do anything more than what my parents expected. Though, maybe that’s changed since they had to step up and take over Dad’s role. “They like charging their vacations on corporate credit cards anyway.”
Jill chuckles, nodding. “I’m sure that drives your dad a little crazy.”
“Yeah.” I drop my gaze to my plate. It would if my dad could communicate. I’m not sure how much he understands. There are some days I swear his eyes spark at the sound of my voice, but most, I have no clue if my weekly video chats are more for my sake than his.
Cam and Chase discuss a few logistics for the wedding set-up with Jill and I zone out, attempting to keep my food down when my stomach twists with nerves. I consider myself an honest person for the most part. Back when I was drinking, my existence was built on a carefully crafted stack of lies. It was for my survival, to keep others from noticing how fucked up I was, and how much I was drinking. But I gave that up when I got sober. Only, ever since coming back home it’s as if I’m back in that space. There are too many mistruths and secrets. They’re eating me up inside. I can’t keep up.
“No strippers.” Jill’s sharp warning pulls me back into the conversation. “I mean it, Chase. You promised.”
He chuckles, shaking his head. “I would never cross you.”
“Don’t let her threats intimidate you.” Cam grins. “She’s all bark and no bite.”
“You wanna test that theory the next time I have your dick in my mouth?”
“Jesus.” Chase scrubs a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to know about your sex life. It’s bad enough I live right next door.”
“You can move out any time.” Cam laughs.
“Psh!” Chase waves off his brother’s comment and takes a bite of food.
“So, when is this bachelor party taking place?” I ask what I hope is a safe question.
“Friday.” Cam leans back in his chair and gives Jill a wink. “So there will be no debauchery. I intend to show up sober and well-rested when I marry my wife.”
“Good answer.” She grins. Her brows lift and her gaze darts to mine. “Hey! You should come to my bachelorette party!” Jill says, and her enthusiasm feels authentic. It warms my heart that she would want me there. It must mean I haven’t completely shattered the chance of rebuilding our friendship, and that gives me so much hope. “That is, if you can. You probably already have plans and I know it’s last minute.”
“No. Thank you.” I smile. “I’d love to.”
Jill grins. “I’ll text you the details.”
“Perfect.”
“And Simon can join the guys,” Jill offers, glancing at her fiancé. “That’d be okay, right?”
“Uh, sure.” Cam glances at Chase and then Jill. “He’s welcome to join us.”
“Oh, that’s okay.” I shake my head. I don’t think Simon would be interested, and anyway, I need someone responsible to stay with Matthew. “He’ll have to stay with Matty.”
“Your parents won’t watch Matthew?” Jill asks.
“Um.” I swallow hard. I wish I could tell her about my father’s reality after his stroke and my mom’s spiraling behavior. But I don’t want to put that on her, not days before her wedding. “He doesn’t really know them. Not enough to be comfortable at bedtime.”
“Oh, right,” Jill says in that way people respond when they are trying to be polite.
“He’s a cute kid,” Cam says.
He is. He reminds me of his father every damn day. “Thanks.” It takes all of my strength not to look at Chase. I wonder if he knows. With each passing hour I forget why exactly it was so important not to tell him. What once felt like life and death, now seems cruel and deceitful.
“Uh, Chase.” Cam nods toward the window. “Your cat is on the loose again.”
“Oh, shit.” Chase pushes from the table and opens the back door. His lips purse together and with his next exhale a long whistle pierces the air. A few seconds later, a grey cat bounds through the door.
The cat looks strikingly similar to the box of strays we rescued. “Is that—?”
“Paws.” Chase bends down to scoop up the animal. “I couldn’t give them all up, and this little dude’s been with me through thick and thin.”
He was the runt of the litter. I remember.
Chase saunters over, scratching the cat’s head which earns him purrs of approval. “You wanna hold him?”
“He won’t mind?” I ask because Paws is no longer a motherless kitten and I’m practically a stranger.
“He loves everyone,” Chase says, depositing the happy little beast on my lap.
I stroke his soft fur and Paws snuggles in close, letting out an approving meow. “Oh, you’re a friendly little thing.”
“He likes to piss on my grill,” Cam deadpans.
“Probably because he knows you’d like to roast him on it.” Chase’s brows lift, his gaze stern.
Cam shrugs. “
I’m more of a dog person.”
Chase rolls his eyes, his attention back on Paws. “How did you get out? Huh?” He reaches out to scratch the cat’s neck, which puts his hand close to my chest. If he notices the hitch in my breath at his proximity, he ignores it completely. “I swear I locked the door this morning when I left.”
“It was me,” a woman says from the open kitchen doorway. She’s tall, her hair pinned back, and wears a sleek business suit. I don’t know who she is, or how she’s in their back yard, but no one seems alarmed by her presence. Except maybe Chase. His body stills, his movement stiff as he straightens his spine and steps away from me.
“I had a break between meetings and decided to swing by since we’ve been missing each other all week. When I saw your truck out front, I assumed you’d be over at your place.” Her brow furrows with concern as she sighs. “Paws must’ve raced out when I wasn’t looking.” She saunters to Chase’s side and wraps her arm around his waist, smiling before she presses a quick kiss on his cheek. She lifts her gaze to Jill. “How’s operation wedding re-org?”
This woman. She’s with Chase.
They’re together.
He’s with someone else.
I’ve missed my chance.
A barrage of realizations hit all at once and steal my ability to act like a normal person. The woman and Jill chat, while her arm stays glued to Chase. I can’t drag my gaze away. I have a hard time processing what I’m seeing. Which is stupid and irrational. Of course he’s moved on. It’s what I told him to do, isn’t it?
I should be happy he found someone. But I’m not. Not even a little. Jealously flares, and while I have no right to it, the emotion is present and all-consuming regardless. Jill talks and laughs with her as if they’re the best of friends. Which is worse. It feels as though I’ve been replaced.
“Oh, Julia, this is my friend, Alicia,” Jill says, drawing my stare up to the woman’s face. “She’s visiting from London. We went to VCU together.” The statements are all true, but somehow it hurts being reduced to an old college friend. There was a time when Jill and I knew everything about each other. We probably still would, but I quashed that.
