by S. E. Hall
I have finally gotten some closure, which led to a marginal amount of inner peace, with the Kaitlyn scandal. I finally got up the nerve to call her about a week ago to ask for an explanation, and she was all too happy to tell me about it. I knew she’d jump at the chance to sound off; Kaitlyn doesn’t have a demure or reserved bone in her body. That fog I used to live in incontestably extended beyond Evan, because I had no clue about the abhorrence Kaitlyn had been harboring.
She couldn’t contain the bitterness in her cruel words as she told me she was “sick of the poor, pitiful me act” and that I didn’t deserve Evan’s devotion. In other breaking news, apparently I was a tease and secretly loved how Matt Davis crushed on me. While I couldn’t get her to outright admit she’d orchestrated my fraudulent decline to UGA, she freely admitted how she’d “be happy to watch over Evan now that you aren’t around to distract him with your bullshit act.”
Seriously, psychopath? Like Evan would want you after you showed your true colors; Evan doesn’t do evil. Somehow she failed to see the flaw in her plan, because now she’s lost two friends and still will never have Evan. I’d be lying if I pretended it didn’t and wouldn’t always hurt like hell. How could she have faked a friendship that I thought was so good? She meant the world to me for so long and I was the person she hated with the fires of hell? It just doesn’t seem possible that I’m able to drive a car, attend college, remember the signs in ball…and be so far off the mark with those around me. I must be completely clueless.
“You sure you don’t want me to come with? I could meet your dad, get a hotel, whatever,” Dane whines. No, whine isn’t the right word, because whining is annoying and whatever he’s doing is adorable. I know why he’s worried, I told him Evan was going home, too, and ever since, he’s offered to come with me at least once an hour. “Are you going to tell him about me?”
“Yes.” The apprehension is about to kill me and a nauseous wave rolls through me every time I think about exactly what I’ll say.
“What are you going to tell him?” He moves his arms around my waist now and rests his cheek in my hair.
“Good question, what should I tell him?” I peer up into his eyes. Not that I’d ever let Dane dictate my conversations with Evan, asking him was more of me playing a girly-fishing game, but it’s still obvious it’s time we had a “come to Jesus” talk. Is Kaitlyn right, am I a tease? Most girls go their whole life without meeting a man as wonderful as Evan or Dane, let alone finding themselves sandwiched in between two of them. The age old love triangle only seems cliché and trite until you actually find yourself in one, then it becomes agony.
“What do you mean, what you should you tell him? Tell him you’re mine now.”
Whoa, come again? His? He hasn’t proclaimed a commitment and I’ve seen Whitley’s name still popping up on his phone…of course, there’s the whole lavish gifts thing. “Yours, huh? That’s news to me.”
“Seriously, Disney.” He lets go of me and steps back; I feel barren at once. “What the hell are you talking about? We spend every day together.” He runs his hand across the back of his neck in frustration. “Why are you acting so aloof?” He looks devastated, which isn’t my intention at all.
I move to him, wrapping my arms around him. “I just meant…I-I didn’t realize you thought this was serious, or committed or whatever. I don’t know. I didn’t want to assume anything.”
“Well, what did you think?”
“I thought we were getting to know each other. I know there’s an attraction, obviously.” I squeeze him harder. “I just didn’t know you felt so serious about it.” My mouth is getting chalky, my palms slick.
“Laney, I’m fixing to lose my shit here.” He breaks away from me again, pacing like a caged animal.
“Calm down, Dane, I’m just telling you the truth. We’re just talking; maybe it’s good we’re having this conversation.”
That seems to help; he at least stills and looks at me now. “Yeah, no, you’re right. Okay, so let’s just talk about it.” He sits down on my bed and pulls me into his lap. “Laney, I want to be with you, exclusively or whatever girlie label you want to put on it, meaning no one gets near here,” he says, using his finger to tap over my heart, “but me. I want to touch you, kiss you, freely. I want you to be my girlfriend…my baby.” He rolls his eyes and laughs. “I can’t believe you make me outline things and sound like a 16-year-old.” He apparently feels compelled to remind me he is a man; the way he kisses me now is illegal until you can at least vote.
He turns, laying me back against my comforter and rolling to lay his body along the top of mine. My body tenses with the shock of this new territory, but only for a second while the message from my body moves to my brain. “I do not want you to be anything more than long-time friends with Evan.” He runs one hand through my hair, fanning it off my ear, and then leans down to nibble. “I want you to sleep,” he says, pulling back to look at me. “I said sleep, in my home as many nights as possible.” He runs his face down my neck, leaving open-mouthed, hot kisses along the way. “I want you to fall in love with me, Laney.” He licks straight up my throat. “Is that clear enough for you?”
I have yet to open my eyes, but know he’s looking at me, I can feel his stare.
“Baby? Look at me.”
I’m burning from the V in my thighs to the flushed tops of my ears, like he struck a match. He and I, together, are so feral. “You make me crazy,” I murmur. I’m hoping he didn’t hear me, but his primal growl before his tongue demands entrance lets me know he did. He feels it too, our unbridled gravitation; his hard length presses against me and I counter against him, pushing downward to his up.
“Ah God, baby,” he breathes, his whole body trembling under my fingers, “it’s gonna be so good one day. You and me, explosive.” His mouth teases along my neck, my jaw, and he lets out a big sigh. “Okay, we have to stop, I can’t take it.”
Part of me starts to pull him back to me, but I know he’s right, we’re quickly approaching the point of no return and my body is very ready but my heart and mind are not.
He moves off me to sit and I welcome the moment of reprieve to gather my senses. I sit up and smooth down my hair and clothes, still unable to look at him. I’m being way too lax with Dane way too soon. I have to take back control of this situation. I stand, going to grab a bottle of water out of the mini fridge. I stay on that side of the room as I dive back into our discussion.
“Dane, I wouldn’t feel right about being with you until I’ve talked to Evan. In fact, I’ve already done way too much. I don’t expect you to understand, but that’s what I have to do.”
He stands and moves to me in a sleek, predatory gait. “Okay, you talk to him, but promise me you won’t do anything with him, please. Promise me he won’t get these,” he runs his fingertips over my lips slowly, “or this.” He brushes his nose airily down my neck, along my throat, across my shoulder. “Promise me,” he hums.
“I promise,” I say, my voice husky as my head falls back.
“That’s my good girl.”
My panties are soaked with his words, his proximity, and when he leans over and runs his tongue from my shoulder to ear, I think I’ll promise him anything he asks.
I worry the whole drive home about my impending talk with Evan. This is it, do or die time. I can’t do this to either of them or to myself a minute longer. If I wasn’t driving, I’d be making a list right now, organizing my thoughts, so I decide I need to call someone to go over everything. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with Bennett. She dates Tate so she’d be biased to Dane and it’d put her in a very uncomfortable position. I decide to call Zach since he’s so levelheaded and has proven himself to be clutch.
“Hey, Laney, what’s up?”
“Driving home and driving myself crazy. I need some help sorting my thoughts and maybe some advice. You busy?”
“Nah, girl, never too busy for you. Whatcha got?”
I first make him promise th
at this conversation will stay between the two of us, which I already knew, but the confirmation makes me feel better. “Okay, so I’m on my way home to see Dad. Evan will be there this weekend. I need to tell him about Dane and I don’t know what to say. I know Evan and I agreed to cool off and be just friends, so technically I’m not doing anything wrong, right?”
“Technically you’re not, but a technicality is just that, Laney, an excuse to clear your conscience. It doesn’t seem to be working since you’re calling me. Something’s off or you wouldn’t be feeling guilty.”
“You’re right, I know you’re right. What will make it feel okay? Maybe it won’t ever feel okay. Maybe it’s not. Should I just forget about Dane? A-and—”
“Laney!” Zach interrupts my rambling. “Slow up, girl, and listen to me. You have to decide why you feel guilty about Evan. Is it because you love him or simply because you haven’t told him? And here’s the biggie, Laney—if Evan went to Southern, which one would you choose?”
And there it is. The million dollar question. Which one do I choose?
“I don’t know and I don’t know if it’s because Dane is the one here or if it’s actually something more. I’m not real good at this whole boyfriend thing, obviously. How do I figure it out if they’re never in the same place?” I’m asking the guy currently volleying twins; I’m so screwed.
“I wish I could tell ya, sweetie, but I can’t. I know you’ve been honest with Dane, so do the same with Evan and see what happens. That’s all you can do, really, that or let them both go. Or you could always choose door number three and pick me.” He laughs.
“Very funny, Zach. I’m thinking you’re juggling plenty on your plate right now.”
“I know, right? It’s fun as hell, too, lemme tell ya. That’s the thing though; we all know not one of us is emotionally invested, yet anyway. You, though, Laney, you couldn’t do just for fun if you tried. You’re already in deep with both of them and I’m pretty sure they’re both in love with you. Somebody’s gonna get hurt any way you go, Laney, so just make sure you’re absolutely positive before you crush one of them.”
“So you’re saying to string them both along until I decide? I can’t do that.”
“Hell no, I’m saying be honest with Evan. Dane already knows the score, Evan deserves that, too. They’re big boys; let them decide after that what they want to do. Maybe they’ll walk away and tell ya to fuck off or maybe they’ll fight for ya, but at least they’ll both be making the decision with their eyes open. It’s okay for you to be confused, Laney, that doesn’t make you a bad person. Just be honest. Don’t stray from that beautiful heart of yours, okay?”
“Dane made me promise not to kiss Evan this weekend. How the hell am I supposed to pull that off?” I can’t help but laugh. I can’t believe me, of all people, is in this situation.
“I just told ya; be honest. How about ‘Hey, Evan, I promised Dane I wouldn’t touch your ass until I figure all this out,’ or ‘Hey, Dane, there’s no way I can avoid kissing Evan, I spoke too soon.’ I don’t know, say you have mono.”
I crack up at him because neither of those would go over well and I’d have a hard time explaining to Evan how I had the kissing disease! “Is this as exhausting to you as it is me? Truth is, Zach, I’m scared. Do I really know Dane well enough to take a chance on him?”
“Don’t you dare do that, Laney. Do not second guess you and Dane just for the sake of a decision. You know there’s something there.”
“Since when are you Dane’s biggest fan?”
“I’m a Laney fan. Your pretty lil’ face lights up when that kid walks in and that tells me all I need to know. He obviously makes you happy, so he and I are good.”
“Thanks, Zach, for everything.”
“No sweat, my pet. Now go figure your shit out and call me if you need me. I’ll see ya when you get back.”
Settled into the comfort of my old bedroom, I’d normally have no trouble going to sleep at this hour, but tonight sleep evades me. My skin is crawling from the inside out and I’m on edge. There’s no Disney movie for this, no band-aid. I decide to call Evan, maybe do a little prep for our talk tomorrow. I can tell he’s been drinking in three words.
“Hey, hot stuff.”
“Hey, Ev, whatcha doing?” I know what he’s doing; I can hear the party in the background. The night before a game, really?
“Just hanging out, you?”
“Nothing, I’ll just talk to you later, I can tell you’re busy. I’ll see you when you get here.”
“Don’t be mad. Please, listen, I can’t really hear you, let me call you back,” he yells into the phone, and about ten seconds before I say okay, I hear her.
“Get off the phone, Evan, the booty call’s right here.”
Oh hell no—I know that voice. It’s drunken and slurred, but it’s Kaitlyn. Why is he in the same room with her, close enough I can hear her? She destroys me and you hang with her? Evan has never blatantly hurt or disrespected me, all these years, but this is a straight shot.
“Fuck you, Evan.” I hang up.
I turn off my phone and go down some Nyquil. I’m done with this day.
CONFESSIONS
Daddy’s up at the crack of dawn, as always. I get up and amble into the kitchen to join him.
“Go sit down, Daddy; I’ll get your breakfast.” We eat together, talking little and I know exactly what will make me feel better. “You feel like going fishing?”
“I sure as hell do, kiddo.”
It’s a great day for it and soon we’re out of worms. My soul feels lighter; I hope his does, too. He’s been all smiles, casting and reeling with gusto all day. I love this time with my dad. He’s such a companionable man. I always wonder how she couldn’t find solace in him, in a life with him. I know he’d have done anything she needed.
We get home at dusk and I clean up and make us tuna casserole. My dad scarfs it down; he’s obviously gone too long without someone cooking for him. He heads to bed early, so I finally turn my phone back on; no one gets to interrupt fishing or Daddy time.
I don’t even open the texts from Evan, I’m still so mad I can’t see straight. I text Zach to see how his game went and then I call Dane back, he’d called once last night and twice today.
“Hey, finally, where you been?”
His voice covers me like a blanket, wrapping me in repose instantly. In that very moment, I know Evan could move into my room and my skin would still tingle when I see, hear, or think of Dane. This isn’t going away.
“I’m sorry, I turned off my phone ‘cause I fished all day with my dad. How are you?”
“Better now that you called. I miss you, baby.”
I miss him, too, surprisingly badly. I just can’t say it out loud, though, so I change the subject. “Tell me about your day. What’d you do last night?” I ask, trying to concentrate on his answer. He could just keep calling me baby over and over; it makes me crazy when he says it.
He tells me The Crew hit The Kickback last night and then all went to Zach’s game today, which the Eagles won. Now he was lying in his bed “missing me.”
“Dane, tell me something real. Tell me something as important as everything I tell you.” He has to do this, right this minute; it’s vital that he instill some trust in me. The next few sentences out of his mouth are as important as anything he’s ever said to me. I have to know this connection isn’t one-sided and goes deeper than physical attraction.
“You name it, baby, what would you like to know?”
I could probably get “the real number” out of him right now, the one every girl wonders the minute she decides she likes a guy. That’s not really what I want to know. Shoot, who am I kidding, yes I do…but I just can’t ask it. “So, let me think…how about one light and one heavy question, okay?”
“Anything, ask away.” He wouldn’t just agree like this if he didn’t know I’m testing the weight of us before I see Evan. I probably shouldn’t take advantage, but I want to feel c
lose to him emotionally right now.
“What’s your middle name?” Crap, I’m off my game and jumped the gun. I wasted a coveted question on something I could easily found out elsewhere.
“Dane.”
“Uh…” I know what he’s saying, and want to know his first name, but I can’t ask or he may count it as my second question.
He snickers. “Don’t want to burn a question, huh?” Scary ESP on this boy. “Okay, I’ll be nice. My name is Michael Dane Kendrick. I go by Dane, my middle name.”
“I like it, Dane’s a beautiful name. It suits you. Not that Michael isn’t great, too.”
He’s amused by my long-winded response. “Thank you, baby.”
The knock at the door comes and I have to let him go before my “deep” question…of course.
“Laney, please call me when you’re done talking to him, okay?”
“Okay,” I sigh, the dread building up inside of me.
“Seriously, Laney, no matter what time, you call me.”
For a split second, the moment I see him, I forget that I’m mad at him. I forget we’re miles apart now. I forget all that I’ve done, become, and experienced without him. He’s so handsome, so familiar. He has bags under his eyes, which aren’t as sparkling blue as usual, but his slight smile still affects me.
“Hey, pretty.”
Look at him, my Tod, my best friend. The righter of wrongs, protector from evil, prom date, first kiss, standing before me in the flesh. Spending only a fraction of the time apart that we’ve spent together, I’ve let another slip in and divide us. How could I be so callous? How could I cast my forever aside so easily?
