“Yes. That was a great show. I got some great stills, good footage. You want to see?”
“Not now.”
Alrighty then. “Do you need me to help you carry stuff to the bus?”
“No. Ricky will come by in a minute.”
“Okay.” I wait for him to say something else, but he’s still pacing. Still being a moody turd. “Is there a reason why you wanted me to meet you back here, or should I just go back to the bus now?”
“Yes, there’s a reason.”
“Because it seems like you want to be alone right now.”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
Shit. This is it. He’s changed his mind about everything. “Then talk to me.”
“I’m trying to talk to you. Are you sure you’re okay? Because you were scowling at me when I was with the fans just now.”
“I wasn’t scowling.”
“You were.”
I run my fingers through my hair. “If I was then I apologize. I guess I’m just tired and grumpy because my schedule’s messed-up. I didn’t get my nap today.”
“Is that really what it is?”
“Yes, Nico, that’s really what it is…” Don’t ask don’t ask don’t ask. “Did you invite anyone else back to the bus?”
He finally stops pacing and stares at me, incredulous. “Are you kidding?”
“What? Just asking.”
He scrunches up his face and rubs his forehead. “No. I did not.”
“I mean, you can do whatever you want, obviously. I’d just appreciate a heads-up. We didn’t discuss this stuff. The other women. So…”
“No. We didn’t.”
“Fine, so let’s talk about it now. Should we… I know my mother said something to you, and I’m sorry about that… I just don’t want you to feel like…” I look up at him, and he has that same serious expression on his face as when he’s singing. So heartfelt. So emotional. So different from how he usually is with me. I don’t even remember what I was saying.
“How do you not want me to feel? Tell me.”
“I…”
He tosses the empty water bottle into a waste bin and rakes his fingers through his hair.
“Kat.”
“I’m not Katherine anymore?”
“Honestly, it’s hard enough just getting the one syllable out when I’m feeling like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like a fucking toy that’s been wound up and clamped in place for two months. And told that he has to stay clamped in place for two more months.” He takes a step closer to me, even though I can tell he’s trying with all of his might to keep away. His hands are clenched into fists, his jaw is clenched, his abs and butt are probably clenched.
I should not be thinking about his abs and butt when we have to get back on that bus with my mom and Tate. And I really shouldn’t be so turned on right now, but Jesus H. Butt Clench! I am so turned on right now.
He shakes his head, looking at the ground. “I guess I’m even more naïve than my friends and family thought I was.”
“If you don’t want us traveling with you anymore, we can –”
“No, I want you here. All of you. I want you, Kat. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. I don’t know why you can’t see that. But my dick is stuck between a rock and a hard place and another hard place. Because there’s what I want and then there’s your mother threatening to murder me if I mess around with you, and there’s you telling me you don’t want to get involved with me while we’re on tour. And then there’s all the other women around. And you’re the only one I want to be with—but having fans and making my fans feel special is part of my job. I can’t ignore the people who just paid to come see me perform, and most of them happen to be women.”
I hold up my hand to interrupt him. “Wait—what are you saying—that if I don’t fuck you, you’ll have to fuck one of them?”
He looks completely stunned and hurt by that. “What? No. Why would you even think that? I wouldn’t do that, and I am not making an ultimatum here.” He punches himself in the chest as he says, “That’s not the kind of thing I’d do. But this…” He gestures between himself and me, “This is new for me. I’m trying to find some new way to be with you. And while it may not be obvious—this is some mildly soul-crushing karmic shit that I’ve been dealing with. So please do me a favor and try to be less hot and lovable or something—just something. Because believe it or not, it’s been killing me, a little bit every day. And I’m this close to just telling Louise that I fucked you in the hopes that she’ll shoot me and finally put me out of my misery.”
Jesus.
I can’t believe how worked up he is.
I never thought I’d see him so raw and open like this.
He finally steps forward again, backing me up against the wall, his arms on either side of my ears, his face close enough to kiss me. But he’s not going to kiss me. “Will you put me out of my misery?”
Dear God, I can barely breathe with him this close to me. “What?”
He leans in and grumbles into my ear, “Put. Me. Out. Of. My. Misery. Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me I’m wasting my time waiting for you.”
I barely shake my head.
He pulls back. “No?”
“No.”
“Then tell me something. Anything about how you feel about me. I really need to hear it right now.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, because if I look at him, I’ll say the wrong thing. “I feel very grateful that you’ve given me this opportunity to work for you on this tour.” Nope. That was the wrong thing.
He turns his head to the side and forces a laugh, letting his hands drop from the wall behind me, taking a step back. “Good. Great. Yer welcome.”
“And it’s very difficult for me to put aside my physical attraction to you. But I have to because I don’t want to screw up this job and I don’t want to risk falling for you or letting my son get attached to you and then both of us getting our hearts broken.”
“And that’s the only possible outcome in this scenario?” Now he looks so hurt, he really is breaking my heart. “You’re the only ones who could possibly get their hearts broken? I’m nothing but trouble and that’s all I’ll ever be. I’m a customer and an employer and I’m trouble. No matter what I say or do. That how it is?”
“Nico.”
“Why are you here? If you’re so concerned about the havoc I might wreak on your life. Why did you take me up on my offer?”
Yes, Katherine. Why are you here? “Because it’s a great opportunity and I didn’t go to USC to get a degree in waitressing.”
He scrubs his face with the palm of his hand, shaking his head. “I didn’t think it would be this hard to figure out a way to be with you.”
Shit. I’m an asshole. He’s finally being real and vulnerable with me and I’m completely holding back. I walk over to him and take his hands into mine. I look at his fingertips, run my own fingertip over them. They are a little bit rough, a little bit pink and indented from the steel strings. Maybe if I practice being around him long enough, my heart will callus over and I won’t have to worry about the pain.
“I didn’t think it would be this hard either.”
“What can I do? Kat? Other than not be me? I’m not going to lie about what I was like before and I’m not going to apologize for it either. But I’m not exactly the same guy that I was before that first night I met you. I’m not the guy that I want to be for you yet either. All I can say is that I want the chance to become that guy for you. But I don’t know how to show you that if I can’t kiss you or touch you or do all the things that I want to do to you or say all the things that I want to say to you. So what do I do? Huh?”
He’s like an angsty teenage boy and all of my defenses, every part of me is melting. He rests his forehead against mine. I hold his head in my hands. His hands are in my hair. All I want to do is kiss him.
“I don’t want you to not be you, Nico. You’re amazing. I love
being with you.”
“Then just fucking be with me.”
We stare into each other’s eyes for a hot second and just as I’m about to tilt my chin up—Ricky knocks on the door while opening it.
“Time to hit the road, folks!”
I immediately let go of Nico and take a step back, but Ricky heads straight for the guitar case on the floor. Either he isn’t aware of the moment he’s just interrupted, or he doesn’t give a shit. He’s probably interrupted all kinds of moments between musicians and girls on the road over the years and that’s just part of his job.
“I’ve already taken the amps and all the gear from the stage back to the bus. If we leave now, we can get a good night’s sleep at the hotel, have a good breakfast and get back on the road before ten. Use the can, grab your belongings and let’s go!”
Nico laughs, the saddest laugh I’ve ever heard. “I just can’t get a break today,” he mutters, as he picks up his guitar and puts it into the case that Ricky holds for him.
I collect my cameras, avoiding eye contact with Ricky.
Guess it wouldn’t have been too terrible if my mother had murdered him in his sleep this evening.
Whatever tension or electricity or tenderness there was between Nico and me a few seconds ago has completely vanished. It has been replaced by the realization that for the next few days, when we aren’t surrounded by his fans and other musicians, we will be on a bus with my mother and son and the Road Nazi, or we’ll be getting some much needed sleep. I’ll be in a motel room with Tate. My mother will be in the room next door. And Nico will be tossing and turning, alone in his bed, wishing he’d never met me.
Until Dallas.
According to the itinerary, when we get to Dallas, there just might be a window of opportunity to finish this discussion.
Until then, we will act like this never happened, and I will never stop thinking about what he just said to me or wishing that I could just fucking be with him.
NICO TODD SONGRWRITING JOURNAL – June
“Trouble”
I know you think I’m trouble but you’re the one
Cherry red lips telling me to run
I’ll give you my heart and then I’m done
I never knew rejection could be fun
You’re the kind of trouble I need now
I’m so turned on and broken down
You’re the one who turns my life around
I think I’m in trouble uh oh
All of those limits that you set
They haven’t quite killed me—well not yet
How much more broken can I get
I think I’m in trouble uh oh
I never knew misery could be fun
I’ll give you my soul and then I’m done
You’re the kind of trouble I need now
I’m so turned on and broken down
You’re the one who turns my life around
I think I’m in trouble uh oh
Could I be wrong about someone so right
When am I supposed to give up the fight
I’m so fucked up about this tonight
I think I’m in trouble uh oh
I never knew torture could be fun
I’ll give you everything and then I’m done
You’re the kind of trouble I need now
I’m so turned on and broken down
You’re the one who turned my life around
I think I’m in trouble uh oh
I know I’m in trouble uh oh
* Guess I’m a fucking emo band now.
Fuck you, celibacy.
THE CHARMER TOUR UNEDITED FOOTAGE – Approaching Dallas
KAT: So why aren’t you a rock star?
NICO: Never been interested in everything that goes with it (strums acoustic guitar).
KAT: Such as?
NICO: The lifestyle. I mean, there are plenty of people out there who live that lifestyle even if they aren’t rock stars, I guess. I just never wanted my career to be about the idea of who I’m supposed to be. I just want it to be about the songs. It’s hard enough dealing with the assumptions people make, even when I’m not a rock star.
KAT: Assumptions about your songs?
NICO: No, about me. As a guy. The songs speak for themselves.
KAT: (pause, clearing throat) Do you feel misunderstood?
NICO: No, I feel limited. But limitations usually inspire creativity, right? For instance, there’s a limited amount of room in this bus, but you managed to find a good spot for the camera. An angle that works.
KAT: Yes, I did. Cameras are a little easier to fool around with than people.
NICO: But only half the fun.
KAT: Well I suppose if your only angle is having fun and fooling around, then everything’s easy.
NICO: Who says hard can’t be fun?
KAT: Maybe this isn’t the best time to discuss fun hard things.
NICO: Good thing you can edit this later.
KAT: Would you like to take a break, or would you like to continue with the interview?
NICO: Let’s continue with the interview.
KAT: Okay… So, you prefer to be an independent artist?
NICO: Definitely. I’ve passed on a few offers from big record labels over the years, but I did sign with an indie label a couple of years ago. For one album. It was fine, just not for me.
KAT: You prefer to be on your own?
NICO: Well, I’m not on my own. Another way to put it is that I’m responsible for everything, as an indie artist. I hire people to do the jobs that I don’t have the time or ability to do myself, but at the end of the day I’m the one who makes everything happen.
KAT: That is a lot of responsibility.
NICO: It’s worth it. I’d just rather not have to answer to anyone.
KAT: So, you don’t answer to anyone right now?
NICO: Just the fans and my muse.
KAT: Do you have different muses? For different albums and songs?
NICO: Different. Usually. Right now, I’m in a committed monogamous relationship with one very stubborn but inspiring muse.
KAT: (long pause, clearing throat) So, you’re not interested in playing electric guitar?
NICO: Of course I’m interested. All guitar players want to shred solos now and then. I use my Stratocaster on a couple of songs on Charmer and I’m using it on them when I play live now. I’ve always played it when I’m jamming with friends.
But I’m pretty low tech and I like it that way. I don’t get inspired by all the sounds I could make with pedals and whammy bars. I started using a looping pedal a couple of years ago. Just to kick things up a notch when I’m solo onstage. That’s about as advanced as I’ll get. I care about the lyrics and the melody.
Acoustic is more personal and raw and that’s my vibe. I’d rather connect with the audience on the same level as them than be a rock god up on stage above them. You know? But I do like playing electric guitar and I love listening to it.
I mean I love Tom Morello and Eddie Van Halen and Angus Young. Keith Richards. Carlos Santana. They’re fucking badass geniuses. Fucking Hendrix. Clapton. Stevie Ray. Jimmy Page. I could go on and on.
KAT: What about John Mayer?
NICO: What about him?
KAT: He’s a singer-songwriter who plays acoustic and electric guitar, right?
NICO: Fuck John Mayer. No, I like him. He’s a cool guy, I’ve hung out at his loft downtown. He knows more about music than anyone I’ve met and he’s a really good guitar player. Okay, he’s a fantastic guitar player. And ‘Come Back to Bed’ is a great song. I love that song. But stay away from him.
KAT: I’ll do my best.
LOUISE: I’m sorry—should he be dropping the f-bomb so fucking much on film?
TATE: You say it more than he does, Lou.
LOUISE: Also, why didn’t I hear you mention Richie Sambora? What is he—chopped liver?
NICO: Richie Sambora is also a badass guitarist.
KAT: (sighing) Y
ou guys. You have to stay quiet when I’m filming. That will be edited out, don’t worry. I’ll be editing a lot of this out.
NICO: (laughing) No, I think you should leave it the fuck in. And I didn’t realize you guys were awake back there, sorry.
TATE: Knock knock.
KAT: Who’s there?
TATE: Anita.
NICO: Uh oh.
KAT: Anita who?
TATE: Anita go number two. Sorry.
KAT & NICO: I’ll tell Ricky.
KAT: Did you teach him that one?
NICO: Anita know if you’re mad or not before I answer that.
Charmer Page 13
