“No.” Bella shuddered. “Thank God.”
Ethan swallowed before asking, “What about him, Bella?”
She told them the same story she’d told Loran. They remained quiet while she spoke, but Grace put her arms around her when she broke down.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Grace whispered, brushing Bella’s hair off her face. “If I’d known I could have been there for you.”
“We both could have,” Ethan said, between clenched teeth. “How could you keep this to yourself? Why the hell would you want to go through something like that alone?”
“Ethan,” Grace said, shooting her husband a warning look. “Bella told us when she was ready. We have to respect that it was her decision to make.”
“That son of a bitch is lucky he’s in jail,” Ethan muttered. “Or I’d tear him apart.”
“That’s why I didn’t tell you at the time,” Bella said, gratefully accepting the tissue her friend offered. “You had your whole career ahead of you. If you’d gone after Daniel when it happened everything you’d worked so hard for all your life would have been for nothing. You’d have gone to jail too. For assaulting him, or worse.” She reached for her brother’s hand. “I couldn’t let that happen.”
“So you suffered in silence?” Ethan bit out the words and it was obvious he was still trying to keep his anger in check. “You didn’t even tell Mom and Dad?”
“I wanted to.” She sighed. “But I knew they would have worried about me staying on at school. And I couldn’t let him steal the future I’d worked so hard for.” She offered Ethan a wobbly smile. “You know what they’re like. Especially Mom. She’s a worrier. Knowing what I went through would have made it a thousand times worse. I didn’t want to put her through that.”
“But why didn’t you tell me?” Grace asked. “I wouldn’t have said anything to anyone.”
Bella understood why her friend was hurt that she’d kept her in the dark. She would have felt the same way had their situations been reversed. “You were trying to get through school yourself.” Her eyes darted to Ethan. “And trying to build a new life for yourself after your break-up with Ethan. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.”
“We’re family,” Grace whispered fiercely. “We always were, even before we made it official. Don’t ever say that your problems are a burden to me.”
Bella leaned in to hug her, so grateful to have friends like Grace, who understood her. “I’m sorry. It may have been the wrong call, but I was doing what I felt I had to at the time. To survive.”
“I still can’t believe it,” Grace said, closing her eyes. “It all makes sense now. Why you have so much trouble trusting men. Why you weren’t interested in a serious relationship.”
“Until Loran,” Bella said, softly. “He’s different. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m finally starting to trust him. I know he would never hurt me physically, the way Daniel did, but seeing the way he reacted in that Vegas bar scared me off.”
“That’s understandable,” Grace said, clasping Bella’s hand. “Any woman would have reacted the way you did, given your history.”
“And most guys would have reacted the way Loran did,” Ethan said, jumping to his friend’s defense. “But I’m sure if he would have known your history he would have restrained himself.”
“I know he would have.” He’d been so kind and understanding, so patient with her, since he learned the truth. Bella had no doubt he wouldn’t have resorted to violence when he got angry.
“Did you talk to anyone about this when it happened?” Grace asked. “A professional?”
“I did.” She would never forget those therapy sessions. The overwhelming sense of sadness, frustration, and fear that marked her days and nights back then only subsided during the weekly hour she was able to lay it all at her therapist’s feet. “And it helped. But I recently found something that has helped even more.”
She was a little nervous to tell them about her journaling. She’d never been particularly introspective and was worried they would tease her about trying something so out of character.
“Well?” Ethan asked, rolling his hand. “What is it?”
“Journaling.” She cleared her throat, feeling a sense of relief when neither of them reacted. “I met this lady at a hospice where Loran volunteers.” She looked at her brother. “Did you know about his volunteer work?”
“Yeah,” Ethan said, nodding. “Now tell us about the lady you met.”
Bella smiled when she thought of her new friend. “No words can do her justice,” she said, smirking. “Believe me, you just have to meet her.” And Bella was so glad she had. She knew that no matter what happened, she would never forget Stella or the influence she’d had on her life.
“I’d like to,” Grace said.
“Maybe I can bring you to the hospice the next time I go,” Bella said, thinking how much it would thrill Stella to have more visitors.
“Okay, okay,” Ethan said. “Great idea. Now are you going to tell us how this journaling has helped you?”
It was deeply personal, but she wanted her family to understand that she was getting better and finally starting to heal her past wounds. It was the only way they’d be able to let it go.
“I’m journaling about what happened then,” she said, reaching for her iced tea. “But I’m also writing about what’s happening now. With Loran. A few years ago if I’d met a man like him I would have written him off because I was afraid of getting in too deep.”
“I still can’t believe this,” Grace said, shaking her head. “If someone had asked me to name the most fearless woman I knew it would have been you. Every time. I can’t believe—”
“It was an act.” It wasn’t easy for Bella to admit that, but if she wanted to be honest with herself and the people who loved her she had to start now. “I was afraid of men. I didn’t trust my own judgement and I was terrified of falling in love. I thought our first argument would end in a bloody battle or that I’d try to break up with him and he’d stalk me.” She shuddered, feeling the weight of oppressive fear settle over her. “Or worse.”
“But you don’t have those concerns with Loran?” Grace asked, reaching for her hand.
“Loran magnified those fears,” Bella explained. “In fact, he was everything that terrified me. Think about it. This big guy, dominant personality, used to getting what he wants, refusing to back down when I tell him I’m done with him.”
“I can understand why you wanted nothing to do with him,” Grace said, shaking her head. “It makes perfect sense now. But what made you change your mind about him? When did you decide to give him another chance?”
Bella smiled. “I’m not sure I decided. I think my heart decided for me. I just couldn’t keep shutting him down, especially not after I saw him again. Something about him made me feel strong. Brave.” She winced. “If that makes sense?”
“It does,” Grace assured her. “That’s what love is supposed to do, make you feel stronger.”
She’d never claimed to love Loran, but Bella wondered if the people who loved her most could see what she was too afraid to admit aloud. The depth of her feelings for this man. “The more time I spent with him, the more obvious it was to me.”
“What’s that?” Ethan asked.
“The more I learned about the kind of man he is, the safer I felt. He told me about his family, his work ethic, his volunteer commitments and I just realized, this is someone who’s been through some stuff too. And he’s not afraid to put himself out there. So why should I be?”
Grace smiled. “I love that he helped you to see that. I was so worried that you’d never find happiness.”
“It’s not that I’d been unhappy before Loran.” She felt a niggling of doubt that felt a lot like dishonesty. “I liked my life. Was happy with my career choice, family, friends, business, but—”
“There was something missing,” Grace said. “You can’t tell me you didn’t want that connection wit
h someone, Bell. I know you did.”
Did she? She’d never allowed herself to consider it because she didn’t think it was possible. “My life is better with him in it.” It was as simple as that. There was no comparison between her life pre and post Loran.
“Does that mean you’re in love with him?” Ethan asked.
She inhaled as she glanced up a family photo on their mantle. A candid shot taken over the holidays that encapsulated everything Bella wanted but had never dared hope for. A family. Safety. Security. The kind of love that defied words.
“I think I might be.”
The smile spread across Grace’s face as she gave her best friend a one-armed hug. “I’m so happy for you. Loran’s a great guy. And it’s obvious when he looks at you that he feels the same way.”
“But I’ve never done this before,” Bella said, feeling the panic set in. “Had a serious relationship. What if I screw everything up? It’s easy now, during the off season, when we can see each other all the time. But what happens when spring training starts and we’re apart. Will my mind starting playing tricks on me, making me doubt what we have again?”
“You just need to focus on building a strong foundation,” Grace said. “Before you have to be separated. If you’re confident in what you have by the time he has to leave, it’ll make it much easier.”
“I hope you’re right.” Bella wasn’t looking forward to saying good-bye to Loran. Even for a few weeks. Not to mention all the tearful good-byes that would follow, with every road trip.
“Hey, Mom and Dad invited us for dinner when we go to pick up the kids.” Ethan said. “She said she was going to call and invite you. Did you talk to her?”
“She left me a message,” Bella said. “I haven’t gotten back to her yet.”
“Come,” Ethan said. “And bring Loran.”
Bella already knew her parents loved Loran and would welcome him with open arms, but she hadn’t told them that they were a couple yet. When she considered backing out, she thought of the changes she was trying to make and said, “That’s a good idea. I’ll ask him.”
***
Loran was at the hospice, dropping off Stella’s yarn when she pointed to a seat next to her rocking chair and demanded he sit.
“Judging by that smile on your face I’d say things are going well with Bella,” she said, with a broad smile.
“And I think I have you to thank for it,” Loran said, setting his phone down on the small table between them. “Her talks with you, not to mention the journaling, have helped a lot. She says she's sorting through her feelings in a way she never has before.”
“And she’s opening up to you?”
Loran thought about making love to her the night before, the way she’d held him. It felt like her heart was open to him, maybe for the first time. “Yeah, she is.”
She clasped her hands, her eyes sparkling. “That makes me so happy. You’re both wonderful people. If I could play even a small part in bringing you together that would make my last days worthwhile.”
Loran swallowed the lump in his throat. “Please don’t say that, Stella. You know I don’t like to think about that.”
She reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Death is something we all have to think about, my dear. But you and your young lady have your whole lives ahead of you. So much to plan for.”
Loran responded with a tight smile. It didn’t feel right to think about the future when Stella’s time was so short.
“Don’t you dare be sad for me,” she scolded, shaking a bony finger at him. “You know how I feel about pity.”
“I know, but—”
“No buts,” she warned. “I’m happy here.” Her stern expression softened into a smile. “I know that may sound crazy, but I’ve met some very nice people here. They take good care of me.” She patted his arm. “And if I hadn’t come to live here I wouldn’t have met you and Bella.”
“Did you want to stay at home?” Loran had never asked her that question before. “I mean, if it had been feasible, if you could have gotten someone to come in and care for you at home, would you have wanted to stay?”
She didn’t take even a second to think about it before she shook her head. “There were many wonderful memories in that house. My kids growing up there. Grandkids coming to visit. All the holiday meals and quiet nights just watching TV with my husband.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want that to be the place I died. I think it would have tainted it somehow.” She shrugged. “Besides, I needed the money from the sale of my house to pay for my care. Hopefully there will still be some left for my family, but…”
Loran’s heart broke for her. She shouldn’t have to worry about those things in her final days. “You shouldn’t have to worry about them now.” From what he could tell they weren’t too worried about her and that pissed him off. A woman like Stella should have loved ones lined up to spend time with her.
“Besides,” she said, looking out the window. “I do enjoy being here. The grounds are lovely. The bird feeders, flowers, pond.” She smiled. “It’s all very peaceful. And the people have been so good to me.”
“It would be hard not to love you.”
This conversation made him realize it had been too long since he called his mother. Maybe he was no better than Stella’s family. He too got busy with life and forgot about the person who’d sacrificed everything for him. Tonight he would call her, remind her how much she meant to him.
She pulled a lavender and aqua floral journal out of the side pocket of her bag. “When I pass I’d like you to have this, dear. It’s my final journal. I think it will give you peace, knowing how very content I was in my final days. Perhaps you won’t feel so sad about my passing if you know how much happiness you brought me.”
Loran was overwhelmed. It was hard to imagine a day when he wouldn’t be able to visit Stella. “Thank you,” he whispered, knowing there was no point arguing that her gift to him was too personal, or should go to one of her family members. “I appreciate that.”
“And I,” she said, gripping his hand, “Appreciate you. So very much.”
His cell phone buzzed, letting him know he had a text, but he didn’t glance at the screen. Time with his friend was precious and he gave her his undivided attention when they were together.
“See who it is,” she said, her eyes sparkling. She had clearly read the text when it flashed across the screen.
He picked it up and read Bella’s message. “Bella wants me to have dinner with her and her family tonight.” Even though he’d dined with them plenty of times before, he knew this was different. She was obviously ready to tell her parents about them.
“That’s wonderful.” She paused when he didn’t agree. “Isn’t it?”
“I love Bella’s family. They’re great people. But I’m not sure how her parents will feel about us. I mean, I know they like me, as a person, but they also know a bit about my history. What if they don’t think I’m good enough for their daughter?”
She frowned. “You’re really worried about that?”
“Yeah, I am.” Bella meant everything to him and it would kill him if she started having second thoughts about them because her parents planted seeds of doubt in her mind. “Our relationship still feels really fragile. And this feels like the kind of thing that should maybe wait until we’re on more solid ground.”
“She wouldn’t have invited you if she had any doubts. If you decline her invitation she’s going to think you’re the one with doubts.” She pursed her lips, letting him know she didn’t approve of his wavering. “Is that the message you want to send to the woman you love?”
“No, but—”
“I didn’t think so.” She pointed to his phone. “So you text that girl back and tell her you can’t wait to have dinner with her and her family. You stop somewhere and find the most decadent dessert and beautiful flowers you can and you show up to their house and let them see the truth.”
“What’s that?” he asked
, feeling his stomach knot with tension. It felt like there was so much riding on this evening and he didn’t want to screw it up.
“That you’re in love with their daughter,” she said, gently. “That you’ll only have eyes for her, as long as she’ll have you. You’ll treat her like the princess you believe her to be and would be honoured if you were the man she chose to be her husband and the father of her children.”
The knot in Loran’s stomach gave way to calm and assuredness. Stella was right. He just had to let them see what was in his heart.
“If you let them see the man Bella has helped you to become they’ll forget all about the guy you used to be, sweetheart. Trust me, what you’ve done in the past won’t matter to them nearly as much as what you’ll do in the future… for and with their daughter.”
Chapter Eleven
Bella’s heart melted when Loran showed up at her door with a dozen white roses tied with a lavender satin bow.
“Thank you,” she said, kissing him. “These are beautiful.”
“I have flowers in the car for your mom. Carrot cake too.” He bit his lip, looking adorably uncertain. “I seem to recall your dad liking that. I hope it’s okay.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “It’s perfect, babe. Don’t worry, you already know my parents love you.”
He buried his face in her neck as he wrapped his arms around her waist. “It’s different now though. I’m not just your brother’s friend anymore. I’m their daughter’s boyfriend. How do you think they’re going to take that?”
She wasn’t worried. Her parents had always trusted her judgement. Besides they were getting concerned that she’d never meet anyone she wanted to settle down with, so she suspected her relationship with Loran would put their minds at ease, especially when they saw how close they were.
“I think they’re going to be thrilled.”
His grip on her tightened. “But what if they’re not? Is that going to change how you feel about me… if your parents don’t approve?”
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 11
