I sat Cara down when I heard the door being unlocked. I didn’t like the way Mr. Nichols looked at me when I held her. Men. They could be so jealous sometimes. He was sporting a pretty nice shadow of a beard. It was just past the five o’clock kind, maybe like nine o’clock. Carrying a paper sack, he set it on my bed and stared at me. Silence fell between us and we stood, staring.
Mr. Nichols did look different. He looked lost, hollow, like he’d had enough. He was tired. I imagine that’s why he did what he did. That’s why Gia and I were there. He didn’t care if he got caught. He’d go down with a fight.
“Tell me about Cara,” I spoke, leaning against the windowsill. I saw a hint of twinkle. His eyes lit up a bit. Sitting on the bed with only the springy thing, he ran his fingers through his hair.
“I saw her a couple weeks before we came here. She’s so big,” he smiled, tapping one foot, nervously. Tap. Tap. Tap. “She looks so much like her mom. I hope they have her in basketball. She’s so tall. I played basketball. I was pretty good at it. I’d teach her if I was around.”
“Where did you see her?”
“I went to her. They live in Boston now. Sarah married a Chiropractor there. She’s pregnant, probably pretty close to nine months. I followed them around the entire day at some sort of ice-cream festival. He’s really good with her, you know.” I didn’t respond. He wasn’t really talking to me. Staring down at his fingers, he clicked his thumb nail to the beat of his shoe.
“I’m glad she loves him. I’d hate it if Sarah married somebody that couldn’t love my little girl as much as I do.”
“Can’t you see her? I mean, like face to face. Why did you have to hide?”
“I’m a registered sex offender. I’m not allowed to go near her. I’m not allowed around my own little girl. Do you know how that feels, Mack?”
“Sort of. Did Sarah believe you?”
“At first,” he said, standing. We were talking like two old friends that hadn’t seen each other for a while, close friends, friends that had a history.
It’s just a doll.
It’s just a doll.
It’s just a doll.
I chanted over and over in my head, watching Mr. Nichols pick her up. She didn’t really like men. I think their deep voices scared her. Noticing the dampness form in my palms, I wished he’d put her down.
“It wasn’t until the evidence started being disclosed that she started to doubt me. How’d you do it, Mack? How long did you have it all planned?”
“It wasn’t planned. Can you put her down?” I blurted. I had to. The urge was too strong to stop it.
Phew.
“There is no way this wasn’t premeditated. Nobody could think up all that you two did in a few hours.”
“We did. I swear. I wish it was premeditated. Maybe if it was, we would have had time to rationalize how stupid it was.”
“You were right there at the prefrontal cortex development age. You should have stayed focused on you and not Gia.”
“What?” I asked, wondering what the hell he’d just said. Full frontal development age? I had breasts long before then. What did he know?
“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s just the part of your brain that rationalizes, like senses and danger. It’s no excuse. I tried to justify every possible reason you could have to want to ruin my life like you did. Gia I could understand a little more, you, not so much.”
“What do you mean?”
“You had so much potential. You were so bright and talented. You didn’t belong to that clique.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. The snobby, rich kid bitch.”
I snorted. “That’s exactly what I was.” It was.
“No. That’s what you struggled to be. It was hard for you, wasn’t it, Mack?” Mr. Nichols, accused. “Come to me,” he ordered with narrowed eyes.
I stood just before him, obediently dropping my eyes to the floor. He lifted my chin and kissed my lips. “You did what you had to do to keep a status quo standard. You were never the friend Gia thought you were. Were you, McKenzie?”
“I was, too,” I defensively replied.
He laughed some sort of evil laugh. And I was the crazy one. Yeah. Okay. “No. You weren’t. You see, not only did you betray her trust and keep secrets from her, she did it to you, too. That’s why you didn’t stay friends. That’s why it was so easy to just toss her away when it was all over. Isn’t that right, Mack?”
Mr. Nichols circled me, speaking through that wild voice. The one that made me question his sanity more than mine. “That’s not true. I love Gianna. I’ve always loved her. I would do anything in the world for her. Anyone that knows me knows this. Why did you even have to move there? If you would have just stayed away none of this would have ever happened.” Yeah, that was stupid. I was blaming him for what I had done because he took a teaching job at my school.
Mr. Nichols laughed at my silly synopsis. “You think I don’t know. You think teachers don’t hear things? All the kids knew you weren’t putting out, but don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell.”
“You don’t know who I slept with in High school.”
“I remember this one time in the boys’ locker room. A few of the boys were talking about you and your sidekick, how sweet your little pussies were. One of the guys, Brant, something–you know who I’m talking about, right?” I did, but didn’t reply. “You see, Brant, explained to all the guys that you didn’t really put out. You wouldn’t even let a guy get a finger in. You did, however, give them the bragging rights. You couldn’t even be a real slut, you had to pretend, or were they really not your type. Maybe they weren’t old enough for you,” he taunted.
I didn’t speak. I stood there, half covered in my tattered gown. “I saw you, Mack. I know your secret. Do you know why Gia doesn’t know? Because of me. Prison gives you time, lots of time, to sit around and think about scenarios.” I had no idea what he was talking about. I still didn’t respond. I let him continue, looking to Cara sound asleep on my bed, wondering what was in the paper sack?
“I’m talking to you, Mack. Do you hear me talking to you?” Mr. Nichols asked, knocking on my head like I was stupid. I had a quick vision of someone else doing that to me. I was little. Very little.
“Gia doesn’t know what?” I asked, trying to forget about the wind chimes and the knocking on my little head.
“She doesn’t know about you and her daddy because of me. If I would have let her walk around that corner that night, you would have gone down. Do you know what night I am speaking of, Mack?”
I shook my head. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. How could he know? We were super careful. Most of the time.
“It was at the Paradise Parade,” he continued and then I knew. I knew exactly what he was talking about. It was a big deal at Monte Academy. Our private school did it every year. Tickets were sold for a local literacy charity.
The event was big around Shayla Harbor. Tickets sold out the first day. The shows consisted of the pep band doing some crazy routine in the middle of the field. Our squad preformed a standing ovation routine. It was the routine we were going to use at state. It was also the last dance routine Gia and I ever preformed together. It was hot out that day for April, nearly eighty. That was a heat wave, considering two days before I was in a winter coat and hooker boots.
We were walking off the field, proud of the way our hard work paid off. We were awesome if I do say so myself. My mom and Melanie were selling t-shirts, donated by our fathers’ company in one of the many booths lined around the track.
“Hey, Dad. Can I get five bucks? I’m thirsty,” I asked, seeing him standing in a circle of guys I knew from his office. Kyle and I glanced at each other and I quickly looked away, worried that Gia had noticed. She didn’t.
“Come on, Mack, there’s Jake and Brandon.”
“I’ll catch up. I’ve got to get something to drink.” Gia bounced off,
skipping to Jake.
“You’ll have to go find your mom. I only have a fifty.”
“That’ll work,” I tried with an open hand.
“Ha ha, go find your mom.”
“Dad, did you just see what we did out there? I should be rewarded,” I whined.
“I did see. I’ve been seeing it with ten other girls in my basement for weeks now. I’ve got the song perfectly carved in my brain. See. See. There it is. Thanks a lot,” he teased. He was right, though. We practiced and practiced some more. When we got tired. We practiced some more. I didn’t complain too much. My meds had just been changed again and these new ones made me more hyper rather than lethargic like the last ones. I had plenty of energy.
“You suck,” I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Come on, kiddo. I’ll get you something. I was getting ready to go find something, too.”
“I’m good. Don’t worry about me, Dad,” I teased, taking Kyle’s arm. “I have a new dad. I won’t be needing you anymore.” His comrades laughed.
“Great. Can I have my car keys and credit card back?”
He won. I needed him to be my dad.
“Go inside the school,” Kyle beckoned, stepping away, creating space between us.
“You’ve lost your mind. No way.”
“Five minutes. Either you go in the school for five minutes and let me touch you, or I’m going to crack and slide my fingers up that tiny little skirt in front of everyone.”
Bam! There it was. That sensation that caused the panties beneath the tiny skirt to instantly moisten. That was another thing about these pills. They made me super horny, or in laymen’s terms, hypersexual.
“No, Kyle,” I half tried convincing myself more than him.
“Just walk, go to the cafeteria. It’s dark in there.”
“You still have to buy me something to drink,” I said, walking away from him and right into the school. The hall was empty except for a couple freshmen boys, swapping punches to the arm. Boys were so immature.
Standing just inside the double doors, I waited, looking around for any sign of life. Looking toward the closed gated window by the kitchen, I made sure it was empty, too. Kyle backed me to the nearest corner and crushed my mouth with his. His hands wasted no time, sliding my panties to the side below my skirt.
“You’re always so fucking wet,” he rasped to my lips, grinding his steel rod up my front. I was wet. The sound of his voice made me wet, and the feel of his fingers gliding that wetness up my slit made me even wetter. I cocked my leg, wrapping it around him. Kyle accepted my invitation and moved two fingers in me as far as he could. In and out, pressing on my throbbing clit with his thumb.
“Put your hand over my mouth,” I panted. I was going to scream. Soon. That was another thing with being in this condition. It was simple for me to orgasm, barely took any effort at all. I had done it myself in a matter of a couple minutes more times than I could even count, just to stop the thoughts about it. Two minutes in a bathroom stall while Gia applied eyeliner was all I needed to quiet the urges.
Kyle placed his hand over my mouth and stared with so much depth. I wanted to protest when I felt him fumbling with his jeans. He was going to fuck me right there. SHIT! Lifting me around his waist with one hand, he slid into me. I moaned, and felt his hand tighten over my mouth, feeling him fill me with every inch. Oh god.
“I watched you,” Mr. Nichols confessed, pulling me from my memories of Kyle. “I watched every fucking second of it. Let’s go,” he ordered, shoving me toward the door. I looked back at Cara and the paper sack. What was in the bag?
I led Mr. Nichols down the hall, down the stairs and out the broken down doors. I could go to the stream alone and knew my way around. I didn’t really need him to go with me anymore, well, other than the fact that I might escape.
“You said Gia didn’t know because of you. What did you mean?”
“Shut up. I’m asking the questions. Answer one thing for me and I will tell you.”
“Okay, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Where’s the baby?”
Maybe not that one.
“What baby?”
“Don’t play coy with me. I’ve spent the last year researching you. You gave birth to a baby girl three years ago. Do you want to know what I was going to do? I was going to take her from you. Like you did me. You don’t have her. You’ve never had her.”
“She’s dead!” I angrily exclaimed, turning on him. He shoved me, turning me back the way I was to go.
“Why? Why is she dead?”
“I killed her.”
“You know, I believe that. I really do. How’d you do that?”
“I drank. A lot. She came too early and she had a hole in her heart.”
“You’re out there. You’re so fucking out there, Mack. I would have never in a million years thought you’d turn out like this. Gia, on the other hand, yeah. You. Uh-uh, no way. You were so well put together, so rounded and balanced. I knew you were going to do great things the first day you came strolling into my class, right behind Gia. See. That was your problem. You were always right behind Gia. You were never in front. Gia was the ring leader. Not you.”
“You don’t know anything about how put together I was, and furthermore, we were equals.” He was pissing me off. He didn’t know shit about us. We loved each other. We were best friends, sharing things most people couldn’t even fathom.
“Yeah, you were equals, sharing secrets, from each other.”
“If you have something to say, just say it,” I ordered, stopping in front of him. It didn’t work. He still had the upper hand. He shoved me. I either had to keep going or fall down.
“I’ll say it when I feel like saying it. I’ve had many years to think about it. And you know what else, McKenzie? Your baby would have died anyway. I was going to make sure of it.”
I didn’t have to think about reacting. I just did. I turned on him, clawing at his face, screaming how much I hated him while my fists beat off his chest, shoving him. The water was so cold. The instant sting to my skin caused me to gasp. Mr. Nichols easily scooped me up and tossed me to the shallow water. I felt a piercing pain to the palm of my hand. Lifting it to see the blood, I pulled the broken shard, releasing more blood. Mr. Nichols didn’t care. He acted as though he didn’t see the blood run down my arm.
“Have you done anything with your life but run, McKenzie?” he asked with a straight finger, dropping the duffle bag from his shoulder. He tossed me the bar of soap and I caught it midair with my good hand. “What the fuck happened to you? You had the whole world at your fingertips. You were going places.”
“I was never going any were.”
“Did your baby dying make you this way? I can see how it would. Did she look like a mini Gia?” he asked, calming his tone.
I ignored his assumption on my dead baby’s looks and her baby daddy. “Does Gia know? You can’t tell Gia. She’d never forgive me.”
“Why, Mack? You still see the guy?”
“No. Never. The night I got pregnant with her… Mr. Nichols,” I stopped. I wasn’t sharing that with him. He didn’t know shit, and I wasn’t volunteering it.
“What?”
“I really am sorry. I hate it that Cara can’t be in your life.”
“You left during the trial.”
“I had to go to school,” I said making excuses.
“Oh, well since you had to go to school,” he taunted.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Does he know?”
“Know what?”
“Does he know about her?”
“No. I could never tell him.”
“What about your parents. Where do they think their only grandchild is?”
“They don’t know about her. She was easy to hide and then she died, so I didn’t need to tell them.”
“How long did she live?”
“I don’t know. I left.”
“
You left her?”
I looked down at the blood in my hand, feeling the stinging guilt.
She weighed 2 ½ pounds and was sixteen inches long. I didn’t want my mom. I wanted Gia. I barely got to see her. They rushed her away into surgery where they would keep her for nine hours. That was the nine hours I cried for Gia. And all though AJ was well aware he wasn’t her father, he tried to be there for me. He really did. I should thank him for that. His mom was in the waiting room, waiting for a granddaughter that wasn’t hers. He didn’t have to do that. He could have left.
I loved that he didn’t leave me, but he wasn’t really who I was wanting. First, I wanted Kyle, and then my friend. By this time, we hadn’t spoken in over a year. What was I going to say? Oh, hey Gia, how’s it going? I just had a baby and she’s sick. Can you come and be my friend?
“I did a bad thing,” I cried. AJ stood from his leaned position on the windowsill. Holding me tight, he kissed the top of my head while I cried. “I drank the whole time. I drank a bottle of wine every day, AJ. I did. I made her come too early. I made her heart not develop right,” I sobbed.
“Shhh, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do this. The doctor already said it was a genetic defect.”
I didn’t believe that at all. I still don’t. I believe that the closet drinking I hid to deal with things, things I should have never tried to have. Love would never work for me the way it was meant to. I knew this, and yet, just for a second, I thought it might. I thought I could be like Gia and be happy with AJ. I couldn’t.
I waited until AJ left me alone to seek out a much needed coffee machine and probably gain control of his own sanity. I slipped into the same gray sweats with matching hoodie, and sneakers I had come in with. Nobody suspected a thing. I walked right past the nurses’ station and down the stairwell. As sore as I was, I painfully descended five flights of stairs, afraid of running into AJ in the elevator.
Shhh...Mack's Side Page 17
