by Emma Evans
I look at him as though he is daft as I try to make light of the conversation. ‘Of course you’re hot,’ I reply as though it is blatantly obvious and that’s because it is.
Ted is extremely hot and he knows this. I don’t know where the self doubt has come from or why he cares so much what I think. Maybe I’m not the only one having a bad day.
‘But you’re also like a brother,’ I add as an afterthought.
The look of horror hits his face and he doesn’t even try to hide it. What have I said wrong now?
‘Ouch Av. Could you wound me any further?’ He clutches his heart as though he is joking but I’m still getting this strange vibe from him.
‘You’re not hurt,’ I reply confidently. ‘Your pride is wounded. There’s a clear difference. Not everyone is susceptible to your charms,’ I add as I raise one of my eyebrows.
I need to make this light again. It could be light. I have no idea. For the first time ever I don’t know if Ted is teasing or not and it feels a little unnerving.
Ted looks at me cautiously for a moment. ‘But I’m irresistible,’ he says at though it is obvious.
‘Totally,’ I agree as I shake my head.
I’m relieved the conversation drops. I don’t know what that was all about. Ted is always so light hearted. He couldn’t have been serious with his words even though it felt like he was. I’m not going to obsess over it. Maybe someone has knocked him back today which would be a first. Yes! That’s probably what’s happened.
The rest of the evening is non-descript. I’m quite happy with it being this way. I have no further weird conversations with Ted and I’ve managed to keep my staring at Lawson to the absolute minimum. At least it feels as though it’s been the absolute minimum. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do but it’s stupid. He’s a fantasy in my head and that’s it. It’s harmless. That’s why I will openly talk to Ted about it when he challenges me now. It’s not like it’s going anywhere. I find him ridiculously hot and that’s where it ends.
‘Good evening Avery.’
My thoughts are pulled viciously away from me as I come back to reality. Lawson is standing in front of me. Lawson is actually standing in front of me again. I’m rendered speechless. He’s with his companions and he doesn’t wait around for a response. I swear I could see his lips twitch again but I could be imagining it. By the time I find my voice he is long gone.
Why do I react this way around him? And why do I feel so guilty? I’ve not done anything wrong. I think of Darius. I love Darius. It’s not like I’m contemplating pursuing anything with Lawson. What an absurd notion. I shake my head. He is crazy hot and he’s spoken to me today. I’m like a kid with a crush. The crush is harmless. I ignore the knot which is tied in the pit of my stomach. If it’s so innocent why do I feel so guilty? I let that question remain in my head for the remainder of the evening but I still come up blank.
Chapter 3
I’ve been zoning out a lot. Some would call it daydreaming and they would be correct but I prefer the term zoning out. My focus is deteriorating and I’m kind of at a loss. I can’t carry on this way otherwise I might very well flunk my first year at University. I’m aware of this but I don’t seem to have the solution to overcome my flakiness. I can’t finally go to University and fail the first year. I’m doing okay. I’m only doing okay. I started well and was getting two ones for my assignments but the last has come back at a two two. It’s not a fail. It’s far from a fail but it will not do. I don’t want to settle for mediocre. I should feel relieved that I’m feeling this way in the first year. The marks don’t actually count but it’s not the point.
I ponder this as I blow dry my hair. I have a day off. I actually have a day off from work and University; this almost never happens. I don’t know what to do with myself. Well actually that’s a lie. I know exactly what I’m doing with myself; I’m going for a well overdue catch up with Chloe and Hasina; my two best friends since school. It hasn’t really been all that long since I’ve seen them but I’ve still missed them. Actually it was only two weeks ago I saw them. Has it only been two weeks since Hasina’s wedding? It feels like so much longer. I can’t wait to hear how the honeymoon went. Chloe no doubt has had loads of drama. She’s seven months pregnant and constantly having battles with her in-laws. I try my best not to laugh when she regales some stories but they are always so funny.
I take extra care when straightening my hair. I can’t let my mind wander and burn my hand like I did the last time. The mark has only just began to fade. Darius is coming over later. We haven’t been seeing an awful lot of each other recently so it’ll be nice to have the time. Darius’s life is structured. He works full time and on occasion’s works late, he plays football every Saturday and generally spends his Sunday over his parent’s house. That’s where he is today and why I am seeing him later on. He’d asked if I wanted to go with him and I could have. I like his parents but it is my one and only day off. I rarely have the full day to myself so I wanted to make the most of it. I couldn’t say this to him of course because I wouldn’t want to offend him but even if I hadn’t had plans with Hasina and Chloe I would have found something else to do. I ignore the tiny part in the back of my brain telling me that he could have chosen not to go over his parents today like he does every other week. I’m always working on a Sunday. We could have gone out for lunch or we could have even made lunch ourselves. I shake the thought off. I’m categorically not thinking that way.
After I finish my hair and apply a little bit of make-up I send Darius a message telling him I can’t wait to see him later. I do this mainly out of guilt because of my earlier thoughts. I’m not bitchy by nature. I just feel like sometimes it would be nice to do something different. I don’t think that’s so bad.
I’m pottering about at a slow pace when I realise I should be leaving. Luckily the coffee shop we are going to isn’t far so I’m going to walk rather than drive. It occurred to me to invite the girls around my flat but I want to go out. I want the sense of occasion which I won’t have if we stay here.
I practically bounce out of the flat feeling more at ease than I have the last few days. I feel this way for seconds until the cool air and blustery rain hits me. Why didn’t I check the weather before I came out? I can’t believe I didn’t even hear it. I contemplate what to do next. Shall I grab my umbrella and continue as planned on my short walk or should I take the car? I don’t want my hair to end up in a frizzy mess after taking extra care with it this morning.
I rush back upstairs and grab my umbrella. I’ve made my decision and I get in my car. The coffee shop is only a couple of streets away but I’m not getting wet; not if I can help it anyway.
It takes me less than five minutes to reach my destination but instead of being early as you would expect I find myself trying to find a parking space. Why is it so damn difficult? Why would anyone come out in this treacherous weather if they didn’t need to? I know I didn’t technically need to but I feel the urge to rage a bit when I finally find a space in a place which means I will still have to walk somewhat to get to the coffee shop. What was the point in driving if I’m still going to get wet?
I wait in the car for a minute or two while I hope the rain eases off; it doesn’t. I brace the rain as I try to jog down the street. I say try because I very stupidly decided to put on stiletto type boots on. It’s a little dressed up for coffee but in my defence I’m wearing skinny jeans and a plain white t-shirt. The boots are the only dressed up part. How was I meant to know I would end up running in them? I’m thankful they’re not suede.
The coffee shop is quaint but looks like every other. The room is almost like a blank canvas with the vanilla walls and laminate flooring. The pieces of art on the walls and the sofa type chairs make the place a bit more homely. The only real distinction between this one and the many chains is the great big open fire which covers nearly the entirety of one of the walls. Obviously the seats around the fire are always in high demand and I’m pleased to s
ee Chloe has managed to secure us some.
Chloe looks deep in thought as I approach. She’s studying the menu intently. From this angle you wouldn’t even know she is pregnant. The bump is almost entirely hidden by the table and the baggy winter jumper she is wearing. Chloe looks up almost absentmindedly and her concentration transforms into a smile. Her chocolate brown eyes are almost dancing with amusement. I’m not quite sure what’s so funny. I’m sure she’ll enlighten me soon enough. Her hair which is almost exactly the same shade as her eyes is tied back messily in a bun; only it doesn’t look messy. I know she’s probably taken a lot longer on her appearance than it looks. She has this uncanny ability to look natural and effortless that I’m jealous of. I know my attempts at the same would be an abysmal mess.
‘Do I need to ask?’ Chloe enquires as I sit down beside her.
I look at her totally lost. ‘Ask what?’ I return the question.
Chloe is trying to suppress a smile but she is failing miserably. Chloe continues to silently look at me. ‘Well your hair looks like it’s been dragged through a hedge and you have panda eyes,’ she tells me.
‘Oh!’ I manage. There’s all that time taken to get ready completely wasted. ‘I’ll be right back.’
I stand and make my way to the restroom. One glance in the mirror and I can see exactly what Chloe means. I look a mess. I brush my hair in the hope that it doesn’t frizz and magically becomes straight again; it doesn’t. I tie my hair back into a ponytail. It looks messy and it by no means compares to the stylish do Chloe managed for herself. I do manage to get my make up under control. I look acceptable. I look better than I did five minutes ago anyway.
I make my way back over to Chloe and my appearance drifts straight to the back of my mind.
‘How did you make it in here without getting wet?’ I ask. Perhaps Arnie, her husband dropped her off. There cannot be any other explanation.
‘I parked up outside,’ she replies simply as she puts the menu down.
It’s packed with cars around here. Chloe must have gotten lucky. I’m not going to consider my bad luck as Chloe is seven months pregnant so I’m not going to begrudge her a little bit of luck. We would be having a whole different type of conversation if she’d been caught in the rain. It would have resulted in a lot of swearing and a lot of huffing. I shiver as the cold shoots through me. I really do hate getting wet.
I take a seat but then get up again. I need a hot beverage and I need one now. It will warm me through nicely.
‘Have you ordered anything at all yet?’ I ask as I rub my hands together. The chill is persisting but I won’t let it win.
‘Yeah I’ve ordered a hot chocolate and lemon drizzle cake... I’m kind of wishing I’d ordered the hot chocolate fudge cake and ice cream though.’ Chloe looks a little bereft after her admission.
‘Hot chocolate and chocolate fudge cake would have been too much; too sickly,’ I reply hoping to make her feel better about her purchase. Chloe can get so emotional so easily these days. She blames the hormones.
‘Yeah that’s true. Maybe I should have gone for the decaf tea and chocolate cake.’
‘Have you heard from Hasina?’ I ask mainly to change the subject.
Hasina is always late and we never expect her to turn up for at least twenty minutes after we meet. We did go through a phase of telling her later times so she wouldn’t be late. One time she was actually on time and ended up waiting around half an hour for us. She kind of guessed what we were up to then.
Chloe looks at her phone. ‘Nah she’ll be at least another ten minutes,’ she replies confidently.
I nod my head and make my way to the counter. I play with my ponytail as if my hair is going to magically look okay after I have finished. In reality I’m probably making it worse.
The barrister politely asks me what I would like. Why didn’t I even consider this?
‘I’ll have breakfast tea and a slice of carrot cake please.’
I make by decision hastily. I don’t like to indulge often but one slice of cake isn’t going to hurt. Plus it’s got carrot in it so it’s a little healthier. I couldn’t sit and watch Chloe eat cake. It would be torture and the way her appetite has been recently I wouldn’t be surprised if she orders more than one.
I pay the barrister and head to the table with my purchases. Chloe puts the menu down again with a frown.
‘I ordered mine before you. Why do you have yours already?’ she asks as if it is my fault.
‘I waited for the order,’ I reply simply.
‘Oh,’ she replies and looks to the end of the counter. ‘Oh,’ she says again as she notices a mug and slice of lemon drizzle cake sitting at the end of the counter. ‘Why didn’t they tell me? The hot chocolate is probably cold now.’
I go back to the counter and wait until I have the barrister’s attention. We come in here often and we always wait for our orders. They never bring it over. I don’t know whether Chloe was being forgetful or expectant; either way I need to get the problem rectified swiftly.
The barrister very kindly warms up Chloe’s drink and the problem is long forgotten by the time Hasina arrives a few minutes later.
Hasina strolls in as if she is right on time. Her glossy straight black hair looks perfect and her chestnut eyes assess what we are eating before she looks at us.
‘Couldn’t wait for me I see,’ she says in jest.
‘If we waited for you we’d starve,’ Chloe shoots straight back as she finishes the last bite of her lemon drizzle cake.
‘How dramatic,’ Hasina adds with a smile.
‘How are you not wet?’ I ask. I’m going to be a little pissed if Hasina managed to get a parking space outside as well.
‘I waited for it to stop raining,’ she replies as her head gestures to the window. The rain has stopped. ‘I would have actually been on time today but I waited in the car for it to stop,’ she adds as she sits down beside us.
Hasina picks up the menu and glances over it quickly.
Why didn’t I wait? I should have waited. I reason that if both Hasina and I had been late then Chloe would have been sat here longer all by herself. I can rational getting my hair wrecked now.
‘Does anyone want anything?’ Hasina asks as she stands.
‘Can I have the warm chocolate fudge cake and ice cream please?’ Chloe asks as she gives me a quick glance.
‘Okay,’ Hasina replies as she vacates the table.
Chloe looks extremely guilty. We’re all aware of her ever growing appetite. We put it down to the pregnancy but her hunger doesn’t seem to subside. She tells me over and over how she’s going to go to the gym with me once the baby is born and I think that’s how she justifies it to herself. To say Chloe has gained a few extra pounds during the pregnancy would be a massive understatement. She looks healthy. She’s glowing but she can’t seem to help herself. Two slices of cake isn’t extreme, not by a long way but she’s consuming vast quantities. If Chloe wants to comfort eat during her pregnancy then it’s up to her. It’s not like she’s tipping the scale at the obese side yet or anywhere near.
Hasina gets stuck in a queue so I guess there is draw backs for being late. By the time she arrives back my tea is long gone and I am yearning for another. I head into a smaller queue and we must have been here for a good hour before we’ve even had the chance to say much to each other.
‘How was the honeymoon?’ Chloe asks as I sit down with my beverage.
‘Hot,’ Hasina replies with a smirk.
‘Lucky bitch,’ Chloe murmurs while shaking her head.
Hasina went to the Maldives with her husband Jack for two weeks right after the wedding. It had been a somewhat traditional Indian wedding but with a modern twist. Hasina hadn’t wanted the Indian wedding at all and only did it to appease her mother. She repeated numerous times that she would have been happy flying off to Vegas to get married but she didn’t want to upset the family. It was a beautiful day and I’m so happy we all got to be part of it.
>
‘I’d love to go the Maldives,’ I add wistfully.
‘Why don’t you with Darius?’ Hasina asks after she finishes a bite of toast.
I consider the notion for a second. Darius hates flying; well he doesn’t exactly hate flying but he’s not particularly keen on it either. We went to Spain a few months ago before I started University and I remember the look on his face the whole time we were in the air. Darius is so laid back but I have the feeling he’d put his foot down if I suggested such a long flight.
‘I wish... I don’t think Darius would fly that far and I don’t think I could fit it in between my studies and work.’ I don’t envisage another holiday for the foreseeable.
Hasina pushes her plate away slightly as she finishes her toast and frowns a little. ‘Don’t students have like most of the year off?’ she asks.
‘Months at a time,’ Chloe clarifies.
‘It’s not that much time off,’ I protest. ‘And in between the breaks we’re given assignments to do and the majority of the time after the break we have exams to go back to,’ I persist. They know this. They both went to University themselves.
‘You could carve two weeks out of the year... and this year doesn’t even count towards your degree. It would be the perfect time to go,’ Hasina continues.
‘Maybe... but it’s an added expense I could do without right now.’
I’m kind of hoping they will let it drop. I know I’d said I’d like to go but logistically it wouldn’t work even if Darius was happy to go. I’m not saying I’m not going to go on holiday until after I’ve graduated but I want to be careful. It feels like such a precarious time for me. I don’t factor in chilling out any time soon. I almost feel like I have something to prove so I can’t let anything get in the way. It’s the reason my sudden flakiness is starting to get to me. I don’t want to feel like something is still missing. I need this to work. I need University to work for me. I don’t want to contemplate the alternative so early on.
‘Did you do anything fun?’ I ask trying to steer the conversation off myself.
