by Emma Evans
Ted doesn’t need to pull me away from my thoughts because they are not in a place they should not be. I feel lighter. I feel like I was going down a path which was toxic in every way. It’s not his fault of course. He did not encourage me in any way. I let myself become fixated which I have never done before. I needed to take the step back. It’s made me realise I’m better off being single; for the time being at least anyway. I’m happy with my decision. There is no burden bearing down on me.
I get up the following day feeling like any other. I go to my lectures and I hit the gym before I go into work. I’m working nearly every evening this week which is okay because I don’t have another assignment due for another month or so. I decided to get in as many shifts as I can now so I can cut back a little in a few weeks to get it all completed. I finally feel like I am juggling my work and University life. Who needs a social life? I certainly don’t. Hannah has asked me to go out with the girls a few times but I always politely decline.
I had a subtle conversation with Hannah a little while back; at least I felt like it was subtle anyway. I was worried about her safety when she goes out. I seemed to be the only person looking out for her well being when she got into a mess. I know that guy also offered to help but I meant her friends really. Hannah reassured me she doesn’t normally get so drunk and she would not be touching any wine in the near future. I know she consumed too much wine so I am taking her at her word. I remember her housemate made it seem as though it is a regular occurrence but maybe it’s not. Hannah hasn’t missed a single lecture since that night so I’m seeing this as a good thing.
I head into work feeling exceedingly disappointed that Ted is not working tonight. I have the pleasure of Nadine’s company. She hasn’t been very bitchy towards me for a while but she acts more like I am not even in the same room as her. I’ll take that over any snide remarks. I’ve tried to suss out what is going on with her and Ted. I even asked Ted outright if anything was going on but he was quite adamant that there wasn’t. He didn’t clarify if something had been and I didn’t really push him any further. I don’t know why Nadine feels threatened by mine and Ted’s friendship but I find it all rather childish so I try my best not to lower myself to her level. If she is into him then she needs to tell him and get it over with; at least then she will know where she stands, although it seems pretty clear where she stands.
I’m still feeling my rush from the gym when I get into work. I don’t have time to wash my hair so I tie it back into a ponytail and put a little bit of mascara and blusher on. I don’t really need the blusher as I am still feeling flushed but that will change in an hour. I’m hot. The weather has changed drastically in the last few weeks and I don’t think I have adjusted to it yet. I love the heat but not when I’m already rushing around.
Nadine is already behind the bar when I get in. I smile and politely say hello and she utters her own greeting. It’s a start. Maybe I should kill her with kindness. The thought is appealing. Thankfully we are saved from making too much conversation with one another as the bar has quite a few customers tonight. There are faces I’ve never seen before which isn’t uncommon but is normally reserved for a weekend; not a Thursday night.
I spend the first few hours totally absorbed with the job. The time goes quickly and it’s just the way I like it. The crowd disperses around eight o’clock. I was hoping to drag it out a bit longer.
‘How was last night?’ I ask Nadine out of politeness. I know Nadine went out last night as Hannah had told me so.
‘Fine,’ she replies almost in a sigh.
‘Was Hannah okay?’ I ask wondering if she really still gets in the same mess she did the night I went out with them all.
‘Of course,’ she replies and looks at me as if I have asked something ridiculous.
‘Any more swimming competitions?’ I persist.
It might be an extremely awkward conversation but I’m determined for Nadine to get passed whatever it is that’s pissing her off about me.
Nadine doesn’t even try to hide her boredom as she pulls out her phone from her skin tight black jeans. She should be wearing trousers really but who am I to say anything?
‘Yep,’ she eventually replies after she has scrolled through her phone for a while.
I’m about to ask my next question still undeterred by her behaviour when I notice a customer waiting at the bar. I smile politely as I make my way down to where the guy is standing.
‘Hello. What I can I get you?’ I ask in my friendliest tone.
‘Can I have a pint of... bud please gorgeous?’ the guy asks as he has surveyed our choice of beverages.
I falter in my step for a second. Did he call me gorgeous? I occasionally get called different names by customers but for some reason this one makes me blush.
‘Um... coming right up,’ I reply as I gather myself.
For some reason my confused look seems to amuse my customer and he is beaming at me with a smile which could melt hearts. What can I say? He has a beautiful smile. I push the thought away. There’s nothing wrong with recognising he has a nice smile. I’m totally off men so there is no harm at all.
I pull his pint and bring it to him as I ask for the necessary money. He’s still trying to dazzle me with that smile but it’s not going to work.
‘Thank you beautiful,’ he replies when I give him his change.
‘Do you always use such endearments?’ I ask. I don’t know why. Our interaction was coming to an end. I stand with my arms folded as I await his answer.
‘Of course,’ he replies as he pockets his wallet. ‘Isn’t everyone beautiful in their own way?’ he asks.
‘Yeah, I guess,’ I reply as I take in his words. Everyone is beautiful in one way or another.
‘But I’ll let you in on a little secret...’ he tells me and I find myself leaning in closer from the other end of the bar as if he is going to whisper something to me. ‘Beautiful doesn’t quite adequately do you justice.... You’re breathtaking.’
I blush as I move away from him. I don’t know why he is having this effect on me. I mean yeah he is drop dead gorgeous himself. His dirty blonde hair is styled in a way which looks like he has made no effort at all and his caramel eyes seem so knowing. I’d guess he is over six feet tall and he carries himself with confidence; confidence but not cockiness. I’d guess his age to be around his late twenties and even though he is dressed in a fine suit I have him pictured as an outdoorsy type who is good with his hands. This guy is hot. Even though he is using a cheesy line on me it amuses me more than anything else.
‘Well you’re not so bad yourself,’ I reply with a wink.
This wouldn’t be my usual response but I’m quite interested in what his response will be. There’s no one else to serve and Nadine is not being conversational. I’m doing this because I am bored.
‘Why thank you,’ he replies with his smile firmly in place. ‘I’ve been driving my friends crazy all night staring at you so I decided to do something about it,’ he adds.
I look at him confused. I hadn’t quite expected those words out of his mouth. I thought we were going to engage in some friendly banter but now I have the sense he’s going to do something which is going to make us both feel uncomfortable. How could I have read him so wrong? This is another reason why I should stay clear of men.
‘Well...’ I trail off nervously having no idea what I had been about to say to him.
‘Don’t panic... I’m only asking you out on a date, not a marriage proposal,’ he says in jest.
I encouraged him and now he’s asked me out. I’ll have to politely decline and make out I have some work to do. I am so stupid. Where did I think it was going?
‘Thank you for asking... but no.’ Okay I could have used a bit more finesse with the words but it would have been the same result any way.
The guy raises his eyebrows as if he had really not expected my response. I guess he doesn’t hear the word no a lot.
‘That’s a pretty firm no,’
he states. I don’t know whether he is reiterating the words for my benefit or his.
I shake my head. ‘Yes it is,’ I agree formally but for some reason I don’t feel awkward. He seems quite flummoxed which I find amusing. Everyone should hear the word no from time to time.
‘Why?’ he enquires.
He really wants to know why I turned him down. Will his ego really be able to take it? The guy leans on the bar top as if I am about to relay a great secret.
A million different responses flitter through my head but I decide for honesty.
‘I’m not dating,’ I tell him simply.
I don’t feel embarrassed about my admission but the intense gaze he is giving me is making me feel a little uncomfortable. It’s not that weird; people do it all of the time.
‘Again, why?’ he asks looking genuinely interested.
I shrug my shoulders. ‘I’ve got a lot on. I’ve just come out of a relationship. I’m not sure what I want out of life... take your pick. They’re all true to a certain degree,’ I reply.
I should feel affronted that I’ve had to justify myself but I don’t. It actually feels good to say the words out loud.
‘That simply will not do...’ he says and trails off. He’s assessing me. I have no idea what he sees but again it makes me blush. I don’t think I have ever blushed so much in a short space of time.
‘I can assure you it will,’ I reply in a light tone.
‘You’re fun,’ he replies as he shakes his head.
‘I’m actually really quite boring... hence the no dating rule,’ I remind him. My tone makes him smile. I really don’t know why he finds me amusing.
‘You’re hiding, you’re certainly not boring,’ he states as if he knows me.
‘Why thank you,’ I repeat his earlier words.
I don’t know what else to say. We chatted. He asked me out. I said no. End of conversation. He doesn’t seem like he is in any rush to leave. I’m kind of hoping a customer will materialise for me to serve. The guy is nice enough and he’s made me smile but I’m never going to agree to go on a date with him.
For some reason I think he’s got it in his head that I am some challenge he needs to tackle. I bet it would be more about the chase rather than actually wanting to get to know me. I can’t blame him. He’s taken a little dent to his ego and he wants to feel better about himself. Maybe I should humour him. I think better of it. It will only lead him on. I am categorically not interested in him. He does seem like the type of guy I could be friends with though.
‘You’re cute,’ he tells me as he leans back from the bar.
‘I don’t think my ego can take another compliment this evening,’ I reply.
‘Get used to it,’ he states emphatically like he knows something I don’t. ‘I think...’
Both of our attention is drawn elsewhere when we hear someone clear their throat. My heart literally skips a beat. I hadn’t felt his presence so near as I was so enthralled with the guy at the bar. That never seems to happen. I knew he was in here. I knew the very second he walked in but I carried on as I normally do as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Only something out of the ordinary has happened because Lawson is standing right in front of me with a scowl which sets me on edge. He seems furious and I wonder what has put him in that mood. I push the thought away as it’s none of my business.
Why has he come to the bar when he normally orders his drinks at the restaurant? Why has he initiated interaction now? This feels like a test and I cannot fail. My eyes drift back to the other guy. He is also gazing intently at me. What the hell do I do? Common sense takes over; I obviously need to serve him. Perhaps the service in the restaurant is off tonight and he got fed up of waiting. That must be the reason although they are always normally so attentive.
‘I’ll let you get back to work,’ the guy tells me. He places a card across the bar. ‘In case you change your mind,’ he adds.
I pick up the card which holds his name and telephone number. I pick up the card instinctively. His name is Gerald Smith.
‘See you around Avery,’ he says as he leaves and heads back to his group of friends.
I’m about to ask how he knows my name but it gets stuck on my tongue as my attention is brought back to Lawson. He’s raging. I don’t know what to say so I stay silent. He’s breaking the rules so I no longer know how to abide by them.
‘Can I have a glass of lemonade?’ he eventually asks.
I wait for the rest of the order but it doesn’t come. I look around to the restaurant and where he is normally seated but there is no one there. Why is he still here if his company has left? I’m confused. I look at him. I try my best not to drink him in. I succeed. His hostility is setting me on edge. It’s clear that the distance between us has done no good. He seems angrier at me now than he did before. Shame floods me again. I don’t want to be reminded of my past mistakes. I just want to get on with life.
I remember that he’s asked for a drink and I make haste on doing it. I place the drink in front of him seconds later and he’s looking at me with an intensity which leaves me more confused than ever. I utter the amount he needs to pay. Lawson puts the coins down on the bar but makes no move to give them to me. He wants to interact with me as little as possible.
‘Forget it. I shouldn’t have come,’ he grits out.
I stare at him utterly lost as he turns and leaves his drink untouched. I have no idea what to make of it. I push back the part of me that wants to obsess about how good he looked. He was dressed in a black suit and white shirt. His hair was exactly the way I remembered it. Everything was exactly the way I remembered it except for the hostile look which was etched across his face. I could quite happily never see that look again.
I have a good word with myself in my head. I’m not going to ponder his actions. Logically I know he must have been trying to get back to normal and wanted to stay for an extra drink but I pissed him off. I’ve apologised and I’m not going to keep beating myself up over it. I know what I did was wrong and if he can’t get passed that then he’ll need to find a new place to take his clients. I’ve kept up my side of the bargain. I’ve not glanced at him once since our chat so I’m not going to tear myself apart again.
I push him to the back of my brain and I continue to work. Fortunately for me the bar seems to pick up again not long after. I get to the end of my shift and I am feeling exhausted. I don’t have a lecture until eleven tomorrow so I am looking forward to a well deserved lie in.
As I get to the car park I say goodnight to Nadine. She raises her hand up in response but doesn’t bother to look up from her phone. I’m so tempted to say something to Ted because her attitude is really starting to piss me off. I don’t know. Maybe I should say something to her. I’ll contemplate it in the morning. I’m too tired to think clearly now.
I stand fumbling with my car keys in the dark. It’s a lot cooler than it had been during the day and I shiver.
‘Avery...’
I literally jump out of my skin and drop my keys. Fear hits me for a second but I know that voice. I turn to see him standing there and confusion doesn’t come close to how I am feeling. Lawson bends and retrieves the keys I have dropped and places them back in my hand. He’s touched me and it’s setting my body alight from the little contact he has made. I snatch my hand back.
‘I don’t know what’s wrong with you today but I am playing by the rules and...’
He kisses me. Lawson pulls me to him and places his lips on mine and all the rage and anger from him seems to be spilling out as he claims my mouth. In all the times I had imagined this moment it had never come close to feeling this way. It feels as though he hates me but at the same time can’t get enough of me.
I stop thinking. My mind clears as I kiss him back. What am I doing? His kisses are addictive. He’s pulling my deeper and my need for him intensifies beyond anything I have ever felt before. His lips are demanding and take exactly what they want.
What am I d
oing? I’m not this person. I gently put my hands on his chest to push him away. He does so immediately. We’re both breathing hard as we stare at one another. That just happened. I lean into him and give him a slow lingering kiss. I’m already going to hell and I’m just sealing my fate. I pull back again and Lawson seems to have regained the control he’d lost. The anger has dissipated and is replaced with regret.
I watch as he turns and leaves me. I don’t think. I can’t think. I turn around and unlock my car door. That wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been. I sit in my car to clear my head but it doesn’t work. I eventually start the engine and head home. It’s going to be a long evening.
Chapter 9
I contemplate not going to my lecture this morning but I do. I know I’m not going to take much in but I at least have to try. It was a restless night. Of course it had been a restless night. Lawson kissed me. I kissed Lawson. It happened. I have no idea how it happened but it did and now that’s all I can think of. His lips on mine are replaying over and over.
I don’t know where it came from. He seemed so angry with me but then he kissed me. It makes no sense. We’ve had no contact for a while now and I respected his wishes. Why the hell did he kiss me?
I touch my lips. I keep touching my lips. I thought what I had been feeling was one sided but what if it wasn’t? I can’t think that way. I really can’t. Maybe he had a bad day and he was confused and his lips somehow found their way onto mine.
What if he feels for me what I feel for him? I have to stop it. Even if he did feel the same way then it doesn’t change anything. He’s still married. He’s married and I keep thinking of our kiss and how life changing it was. I guess it was life changing for him too but for a totally different reason. He’s a cheat. He cheated on his wife. It was only a kiss but it is no way acceptable.
