Emma?
She appeared as upset to see him as he was to see her. No wonder she was trembling. She had no reason to believe he’d help her daughter. Not after what he’d done to her.
His throat parched and his nerves stretched taut, Kyle longed to mumble an apology. But what could he say to someone who’d paid a terrible price for his mistakes?
While he dithered, Leah opened the bag and set out the supplies. “I can hand things to you as you need them.”
Trapped between the woman he’d destroyed and the one he’d fallen for, Kyle struggled to concentrate on his work.
The cut, Kyle. The cut. He clicked his mind into doctor mode, blocking out Leah’s soft presence and Emma’s frightened face.
He unwrapped the towel and was relieved to see that, although the cut was deep, it was clean. It would be easy to stitch and should heal well. “This will pinch a little.” He repeated the lie most doctors used.
The small girl surprised him by remaining still throughout, which was more than he could say for Emma. Not that he blamed her. If she had her choice, she’d probably snatch her daughter and run as far from him as she could.
Leah passed him supplies as he needed them, and their fingers brushed. Being in Emma’s presence somewhat dampened those jolts of electricity, but Kyle still struggled to concentrate on his work, rather than Leah’s nearness.
While he finished the stitches and bandaged Rose’s hand, he parroted the care instructions. Leah helped him clean up and pack his supplies. But as Emma rose, Kyle’s conscience wouldn’t let him leave without an apology.
As her husband reached for their daughter, Kyle stood and faced them both. “I’m so sorry. For everything.”
Emma’s eyes filled with tears, and her husband set a hand on her shoulder. “We all forgave you long ago.”
Kyle shook his head. He had a hard time believing that.
“God has a reason for everything that happens.” Emma smiled up at her husband. “If it weren’t for the accident, I’d never have married Sam, and you wouldn’t have become a doctor.”
Emma was right. Who knows where they might have ended up if things had continued the way they had, but that didn’t absolve him of the damage he’d done.
As if she’d read his mind, Emma said softly, “You need to forgive yourself, Kyle. And also believe God can forgive you.”
Before he could turn and bolt, Leah set her hand on his arm as if she sensed his need for comfort. Kyle longed to interlace his fingers with hers. If only he had that right. She handed him his bag, and he turned to smile at her. The sympathy in her eyes touched his heart, made him want to enfold her in his arms. He forced himself to reach for the bag and head to the door before he acted on that impulse.
Leah’s eyes and smile stayed with him, but Emma’s words echoed in his ears as he crossed the lawn to his car. He wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself. But maybe it was time to try.
Chapter Twenty
As Kyle turned on the engine, someone shouted his name. A man, holding one hand on his black felt hat to prevent it from flying off, jogged toward his car.
No…not Caleb. If only he’d driven off, Kyle could have put this whole nightmare behind him. He was tempted to throw the car in gear and push the gas pedal to the floor, but his brother had already reached the car.
Gasping for breath, Caleb asked, “May I get in?” Without waiting for an answer, he rounded the car and slid into the passenger seat. “When they told me you were here, I couldn’t let you leave without seeing you. How have you been?”
Kyle kept his expression stony and his tone chilly to hide the turmoil inside. Learning he was adopted, seeing Emma again, fighting his growing attraction to Leah, and now facing his estranged brother. Too many emotional encounters had hit him this past week; his head hadn’t stopped reeling. “I’ve been better.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Caleb tilted his head as if inviting Kyle to confide in him. When Kyle didn’t respond, Caleb waved a hand toward the porch. “There’s Lydia with the twins.”
Kyle glanced in the direction his brother indicated. One six-year-old stood on each side of his sister-in-law. Or was she his sister-in-law? Now that he’d discovered he’d been adopted, family relationships had become murky.
He turned back to Caleb. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth about my birth?”
“What?” From the confusion on his brother’s face, Caleb had no idea about the truth.
As Kyle recounted the story the Hesses had told him, Caleb’s expression changed to shock, then pity. “I had no idea. I remember Mom bringing you home, but I never questioned it. She only said you were my brother, and that hasn’t changed.”
Kyle started to protest, but Caleb interrupted him. “Did either one of them ever treat you differently than they did me?”
“No, but—”
“Exactly. They loved us both. To them, the circumstances of your birth didn’t matter. You were their son the same as I was.”
Kyle had come to that conclusion earlier, but to have his brother reinforce it made a much bigger impact. If Caleb hadn’t seen a difference, then it must be true. That only made Kyle’s teenage rebellion doubly shameful.
He’d spent years trying to tamp down the guilt. The main reason he’d avoided Caleb had been to evade the truth.
He turned to his brother. “Caleb, I owe you an apology. I made your life miserable after”—he forced himself to continue—“Mom and Dad died.” Would he ever be able to say the words Mom and Dad again without choking up? “Can you ever forgive me?”
“I forgave you a long time ago. I know what it’s like to be a teenager. I rebelled against our parents when I was that age.”
Kyle noted the emphasis on our. Caleb must have been trying to reassure him of his place in the family. “I don’t remember that.”
“You were what? Maybe nine or ten at that point? Mom came down hard on me.” Caleb’s eyes held regret. “All you had at age sixteen was an older brother who had no idea how to parent. I blame myself for not doing a good job. The truth of the matter is I should be asking for your forgiveness.”
“It’s not your fault I went wild.”
“Like many teenagers, you had a rough time. It’s over now, so let’s put all that behind us. Look what you’ve done with your life now. I’m so proud of you.”
Becoming a doctor had been Caleb’s dream. A dream that he’d set aside to parent Kyle. Not only had Kyle dashed his brother’s dreams, he’d damaged Emma’s life. They both seemed to have recovered, but how different their lives would have been if it weren’t for Kyle.
Caleb reached out a hand to shake Kyle’s. “Let’s start fresh and leave those teenage years behind.”
Kyle shook his hand, and Caleb knuckled his head like he used to do when they were kids.
* * *
Watching Kyle treat Emma’s daughter brought terrible memories rushing back. Kyle shouldn’t be blaming himself for that accident. Leah had to tell him the truth. The first time she’d seen Kyle, she’d been afraid he’d look into her eyes and remember. So far, he’d shown no signs he recalled that connection. And when their gazes met, Leah forgot everything. Past, present, and future condensed down to one heart-stopping moment in time.
But today, she’d go out to the car and avoid looking at him—staring, actually—so she could confess. Maybe then he could forgive himself.
Leah had been about to dash out to talk to him when Caleb pushed past everyone in the living room, murmuring, “Please, God, don’t let him drive away before I can talk to him.”
Stepping aside so Caleb could dash outside, Leah went to the window to watch their interaction. She hoped Caleb wouldn’t say anything to hurt Kyle. He’d been through so much.
As soon as Caleb stepped from the car and slammed the door, Kyle revved his engine. Praying the same prayer Caleb had, Leah dashed out the door. The car had already started down the gravel driveway, stones spitting out from beneath the wheels, by the time
she reached the lawn.
“Kyle,” she called.
She worried the roar of the motor had drowned out her voice, but Kyle slammed on his brakes. The locks clicked as she neared the car. Was he unlocking the door or keeping her out?
Reaching for the door handle, Leah tried to assess Kyle’s mood. “I didn’t want you to drive away while you were upset.” And she had something to tell him.
“I’m not upset. But why does it matter if I were?”
Before she could stop herself, Leah blurted out, “Because I care about you.” She couldn’t believe she’d just said that. What had she been thinking? “I mean…”
“I know what you mean,” Kyle said dully. “As a friend.”
The feelings roiling inside Leah were anything but friendlike, but she nodded anyway. “Of course. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”
Kyle pinched his lips together and stared straight ahead through the windshield as if fascinated by the quiet country lane.
“It must have been hard coming here today. Facing everyone.”
Tight-lipped, Kyle’s curt, “It was,” indicated he didn’t want to talk about it.
But Leah couldn’t let him go without letting him know about her part in his past heartache. “About the accident…”
“I’d rather not talk about it, if you don’t mind.”
“There’s something you should know.” Leah pleated her apron with her fingers. Once he knew, he’d probably never forgive her. How could he? She’d let him take the blame all these years and carry all the guilt.
“Maybe you’d better tell me another time.” Kyle waved toward his rearview mirror. “I’m not sure he appreciates you being alone with me in the car.”
Ben stood in the doorway of the house, waiting for her.
* * *
He regretted hurting Leah’s feelings, especially after she’d been so kind, but he had to gain control of his emotions. His attraction to her had grown so strong he’d almost blurted out his feelings when she’d laid her hand on his sleeve. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms. Resisting that impulse had taken all his willpower.
He was glad he hadn’t, because as he pulled away, he glanced in the rearview mirror for one last glimpse of her. Ben stood in the doorway, waiting for her, looking as if he’d been betrayed.
What if Ben broke up with Leah? The possibility set his heart singing, but he’d never wish for anything that might hurt her. She wouldn’t leave her faith, and she deserved a good Amish man.
Unlike his brother, Kyle could never become Amish. He would have to give up his profession. Could he do that?
It still bothered him to see Caleb dressed in plain clothes. He’d probably never adjust to his brother with a beard and bowl haircut wearing suspenders and a broad-brimmed hat. Although if Caleb had fallen for Lydia as hard as Kyle had fallen for Leah, he could understand his brother’s motivation.
He shook his head. What was he doing imagining such far-fetched scenarios? Leah already had a relationship, and even if Ben were upset with her, he’d be a fool to give up someone as wonderful as Leah.
Rather than heading straight back to the office, Kyle drove around for a while. With everything that had happened this past week, his head was whirling. He needed to unwind and regain some peace of mind before he returned to the Hesses’.
Seeing Leah and Emma together today revealed how childish his infatuation with Emma had been. His schoolboy crush on Emma paled in comparison to his budding love for Leah. All the more reason to stay away from Leah, stay out of her life. Emma claimed everything had worked out for good, but she’d failed to mention she’d lost several years of her life recuperating from the accident he’d caused. And that hadn’t been the worst of it. Every time he worked with a child, he remembered.
As Kyle wound down country lanes past chopped-down fields of corn, fields lying fallow, it reminded him of the emptiness of his life. Ever since the accident, he’d been desolate. Emma’s words came back to him. He needed to forgive himself. But how?
How could he ever forgive himself for what he’d done? The Amish community had, but only a few people knew the whole truth. Yet Emma and her dad both knew everything, and they’d both forgiven him.
Perhaps the reason he couldn’t forgive himself or let it go was because he’d closed himself off from God’s forgiveness. Accepting that meant asking for forgiveness for all the things he’d done in the past, not just to Emma. Kyle wasn’t sure he could reach that place right now. But he could apologize to two people he’d hurt.
He turned the car around and headed back to the Hesses’ house. When he walked in the door, Esther was reading the Bible to her husband, who was ensconced in the recliner with an afghan tucked around him. A mug and a glass of water sat on the table beside him, along with a small plate of fruit.
Kyle smiled to see that the doctor had acquiesced to his wife’s preferences. She loved to care for him, bring him drinks and treats, and read to him. Kyle usually tried to avoid their reading times because they preferred the Bible or spiritual books.
Esther waved to him. “Come in and join us. I’m almost done with this passage. Then you can tell us about the stitches.”
Kyle wished he could slip upstairs and come down later, but he felt obligated to be polite, and he did have things he needed to say to them. He sat on the edge of the chair, ready to flee as soon as he could.
“We’re reading First John, chapter one,” Esther said. “I’m on verse eight. I can go back to the beginning if you’d like.”
“No, no.” Kyle motioned for her to continue. He tuned out as she began to read. A few words penetrated. Something about sins. He had plenty of those. He didn’t want to hear more about that, but the first part of the next verse stood out.
“‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us…’”
Esther finished the rest of the verse, but Kyle mulled over those words. To hear the same message twice in the same day? He’d grown up in the church and heard that section many times, but today it seemed he couldn’t escape.
His shoulders relaxed after Esther closed the Bible and set it on the table beside her, only to tense again when she and the doctor bowed their heads for prayer. To be polite, Kyle followed suit, but he kept his eyes open.
His mom’s whisper floated through his mind, warning him as she had in childhood that a rebellious attitude would only bring heartache. She’d been right. He’d had so many heartaches since his teen years. Mom would say he needed to get right with God. But Kyle still balked at that idea.
The Hesses raised their heads, and Kyle lifted his head in relief.
“So how did things go at the Rupps’?” the doctor asked.
“Fine.” Well, the doctoring part did. The rest of the visit had left him in emotional turmoil. “A little girl needed stitches in her hand.”
“Aww, poor thing.” Esther’s compassionate voice revealed her love of children, reminding Kyle of his plans. Before he could speak, her face switched to alarm. “Oh, I hope it wasn’t one of Ada’s siblings.”
“No, it was”—Kyle didn’t want to subject himself to the Hesses’ sympathy—“one of the other guests.”
“Do you know her name by any chance? If she’s a local, she’ll be coming here to get her stitches out.”
“Rose,” he muttered. “I’m pretty sure she’s not from around here.”
In fact, he was positive she wasn’t. Caleb had moved to Upper Dauphin County after he married Lydia, and Emma had married their next-door neighbor, Sam. A place he’d avoided at all costs ever since that day he and Emma had their painful confrontation, and she’d broken his heart.
“Are you all right?” Esther sounded alarmed.
“Just remembering the past.”
“It looks to be a rather upsetting memory.”
Kyle had no idea how to answer that. Most of his memories were equally as disturbing.
“You know, son,” Dr. Hess said, “you could t
ake some of those burdens to the Lord.”
The doctor had often called him “son,” but he’d assumed it had been a generic term. Now that he knew the truth, he wondered if the term had a deeper meaning behind it. He couldn’t meet Dr. Hess’s eyes. “I know,” he mumbled.
“Knowing and doing are two separate things.” The doctor’s kind tone took much of the sting from his words.
Bowing his head slightly so Dr. Hess couldn’t see into his eyes, Kyle managed a nod. He’d been getting slammed from all sides by spiritual lessons. Lessons he wasn’t ready to apply to his life. Not yet.
Time to change the conversation to something a bit less distressing. Or maybe not. He had to make a confession.
His mouth dry, he began the apology he’d planned in the car. “When you told me about being”—he choked back the tightness in his throat—“adopted, it stunned me. I needed time to process it.”
Now came the hard part. “I know I haven’t been very polite or friendly to you since, and I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it, but I’m still struggling to accept the fact that I built my whole life around a lie.”
“Oh, Kyle.” Esther appeared close to tears. “I wish we could start over and do things differently. We’re the ones who should be apologizing. We didn’t supervise your mother closely enough, we gave you up when we should have persevered, and we kept a secret we should have told you many years ago.”
“I’m not blaming you for any of that.” Somehow this conversation had gotten derailed. He was supposed to be asking for forgiveness. Instead, they were saying they were sorry.
“I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive us,” Esther said in a shaky voice.
“You weren’t to blame.” The two of them had taken in his mother and offered to adopt him. “I’m the one who needs forgiveness.” The words came out like a cry from his heart. And he realized he’d not said it only to them, but also to God.
* * *
Ben’s sad gaze followed her as she crossed the lawn. “Everyone’s already heading down to the basement for the evening meal.”
The Amish Midwife's Secret Page 19
