Leah pushed away from his arms and stepped back on unsteady legs. He wanted to reach out and support her, but he kept his hands to himself. “Yes, adoptive parents can and do love their child with every fiber of their beings.” In a choked voice, she said, “It’ll rip out my heart to give her up.”
As she spoke those words, Miriam exited the shop behind Leah. “You really love her that much?”
Leah whirled to face her. “She means everything in the world to me.”
Meeting Kyle’s eyes, Miriam nodded. “I could see that from the minute she was born.” She teared up. “I was forced to give her up, walk away, and never mention her again. I couldn’t look at her, so I watched you instead.”
“Forced to give her up?”
Miriam stared at the ground. “My boyfriend’s parents insisted. His father is a famous preacher, and they’d groomed him for a high-profile role. They don’t want anyone to know. I thought he’d wait for me”—she bit back a sob—“but he got engaged to someone more suitable. Another Englischer.”
“I’m so sorry.” Leah reached out a hand to Miriam. “I can see why you’d want your baby back.”
“My baby back? I can’t take her back. My parents would never understand.” Miriam stepped back and turned wary eyes in Kyle’s direction. “I thought…”
Kyle held up a hand. “Leah seems to have gotten the wrong impression about our meeting.” He set his hands on Leah’s shoulders. “I looked for Mary—Miriam—because I wanted to ensure you could adopt Ruby legally. I didn’t want you running in fear of discovery.”
Leah stared at him uncertainly. “I can keep Ruby?”
“We’re heading to the courthouse now so Miriam can sign the papers. She also needs to amend the birth certificate.”
When Leah lifted teary, but shining, eyes to meet his, it took all his willpower not to enfold her in his arms and kiss her. He’d vowed to see that she could keep Ruby permanently, and he’d kept that promise, but would she be happy about the rest of the agreement he’d made?
He took a deep breath. “There’s just one catch.”
Some of the joy on Leah’s face dimmed, and she stared at him, her expression apprehensive.
Kyle wished he didn’t have to tell her she’d need to share Ruby. “The thing is, well, Miriam wants her daughter to have two parents. She insisted that I adopt Ruby too.”
“There’s no one I’d rather parent with.” Leah, her cheeks crimson, pressed a hand to her mouth.
“You mean that?” A seedling of hope took root in Kyle’s heart. Maybe, just maybe…
* * *
Leah couldn’t believe she’d blurted that out, but at the chance to spend more time with Kyle, her happiness overflowed. What must he be thinking?
Her burning cheeks revealed her real feelings for the whole world to see. She could barely look at Kyle while they signed the paperwork. Afterward, they dropped Miriam off at the shop.
When they pulled into the parking lot beside Leah’s house, Kyle said, “We should probably discuss how we’ll parent Ruby. Could we go to a restaurant and find a quiet corner to talk about the future? With our baby, of course.”
“I’ll run in and get her.”
Her heart singing, Leah practically danced into the store. Precious Ruby was hers now and Kyle’s too. She’d get to spend more time with him. He’d be a wonderful father. If only they could marry, but he’d been adamant about not becoming Amish, so that was impossible. But with Miriam being Amish, Leah hoped Kyle would agree to raise Ruby Amish.
Joel studied her when she waltzed past him to pick up Ruby. “Wow,” he said. “Your eyes are so starry they could light up the whole night sky,” Joel said.
If they reflected even a small portion of the delight filling her, Leah could only imagine how brightly they shone. “I need to get Ruby. Kyle and I have to discuss some things.”
“She’s right here, sound asleep. I just changed her and fed her, so she’s all ready to go.”
Joel helped her get Ruby bundled up for the cold. Then Leah practically skipped out to the car. Kyle carried Ruby and settled her gently into her car seat.
Leah’s heart swelled at how tenderly he held Ruby and adjusted the belts of the car seat, testing each one to make it snug. They’d be doing this parenting together. Her elation expanded to fill her whole body; every cell thrilled with anticipation and delight.
At the restaurant, Kyle requested a secluded corner where they settled across from each other and passed Ruby back and forth between them. When Leah cradled her little girl, her precious daughter, in her arms and met Kyle’s eyes, she couldn’t imagine ever being happier.
A short while later, he looked up from feeding Ruby her bottle, and a serious expression crossed his face. “I spent the night in prayer, getting right with God and asking for His guidance for my future. I believe I told you I applied for fellowships several weeks ago.”
Tears sprang to Leah’s eyes. She’d dreamed of being a team, of working together. “You won’t be around to see her grow up.” Though she tried, she couldn’t keep disappointment from coloring her tone.
“Wait, I haven’t finished yet.” Kyle lifted Ruby over his shoulder and patted her back. “As I was saying, I prayed about it. Miriam refused to sign the forms unless both of us agreed to parent Ruby. I couldn’t let you lose the baby.”
“You did it for me, so I could keep Ruby?” It touched her that he cared to help her, but much of the joy and excitement fizzled.
“I promised Miriam I’d be a father to Ruby.”
“You agreed but have no intention of keeping your commitment?”
A look of hurt flashed in Kyle’s eyes. “I thought you knew me well enough to know I always keep my promises.”
“It’s hard to be a father when you’re not around.”
“I agree. The fellowships won’t be posted until January, but I planned to turn down any offers. I told Dr. Hess I’d take over his practice, but I’d love it if you could work there, so we could both be around Ruby all day.”
That would be wonderful, but without the Hesses around, they’d be facing a great deal of temptation.
Kyle continued, “I’d been hoping to get fellowships at hospitals that study rare diseases. After seeing what they do at the clinic here, I realized I could have that opportunity here. What do you think?”
Leah kept her answer to a neutral, “That sounds like a great idea,” even though inside she shouted YES!
After Ruby had been redressed in her outer garments and swathed in blankets, Kyle tucked the baby into her car seat, and they headed back to the shop. The baby soon fell asleep. As they rode out of town, Kyle veered off onto a different road, one that wound into the country. Leah rejoiced that he’d chosen the long way home so they’d have more time together.
But when he made one more turn onto the road where the accident had occurred, she clenched her hands together as they neared the spot. Kyle startled her by pulling over.
Then he turned to her. “I wanted to come here together because this tragedy—the one that occurred here—shaped both of our lives. Although I’ve asked for forgiveness, I’ve struggled with guilt for so long, and I know you have too.”
Her eyes brimming with tears, Leah nodded. Her guilt had only increased after she’d discovered he and Emma had lost a baby.
With his thumb, Kyle brushed away a teardrop trickling down her cheek, and the gentleness of his touch started an inner fire.
When he spoke again, his voice was husky. “We can’t go back and change what happened, but I’d like us to move forward—together. To start a new life as a family.”
He reached for her hand, and as his large, warm fingers closed over hers, Leah’s pulse pitter-pattered out of control.
“Dr. Hess once told me if I waited for the special person God has for me, I’d be as blessed as he and Esther are. I believe I’ve found that special person.” Caressing her hand, Kyle looked deep into her eyes. “Being around you, working with you, sharing
a child with you means so much to me. I’ve tried to deny my feelings for a long time, but I’ve fallen in love with you. Would you do me the honor of being my wife?”
Leah’s dream had come true. She almost said yes but stopped herself in time. “Are you considering becoming Amish?”
His eyes registered his shock. “I couldn’t. I’d have to give up my profession. I’m planning to go to church with the Hesses. Could you…would you consider becoming Mennonite?”
A hollow emptiness opened inside Leah. How could he even ask that question, knowing what her Amish faith meant to her? “I can’t do that,” she whispered.
The sorrow in Kyle’s eyes made it clear how deeply she’d hurt him, but she’d made a vow when she joined the church, and she couldn’t give up her commitment to God and her community. Even if it meant spending the rest of her life alone. Even if it meant giving up the man of her dreams, the man she’d come to love with her whole heart.
Kyle opened his mouth as if to speak, but then he shook his head. Gripping the steering wheel, he glanced in the rearview mirror before pulling out onto the road. The rest of the ride, they sat in silence. Not the companionable silence that had fallen from time to time while they were at the restaurant, but the painful silence of unspoken thoughts, dashed hopes, and unrequited love.
As soon as Kyle pulled into the parking lot, Leah unbuckled Ruby and barged through the door of the shop with their daughter in her arms.
Joel stared at her. “Earlier you walked through here thrilled and excited. Now you look like you’re about to cry. Want to talk about it?”
No, she didn’t, but she couldn’t keep this heartbreak to herself. While she removed Ruby’s winter clothing and changed her, Leah told Joel about the parenting agreement and Kyle’s proposal.
“Congratulations! I could tell he’s the right one by the way you light up whenever he’s around.”
Leah bit her lip to prevent tears from sliding down her cheeks. “I turned him down.”
“Why? You love him, don’t you?”
“With all my heart.” A deep sadness choked her, closed up her throat. She could barely get her next words out. “I’m Amish, and I’ll never give up my faith. He won’t become Amish, so…”
“Oh, sis. That’s…” Joel seemed at a loss for words.
His sympathetic look started the pent-up tears flooding down her cheeks. How would she live without Kyle? Her heart had been torn in half. But she could never give up her faith. Remaining true to the vows she’d made to God had to take priority in her life. No matter how wrenching the sacrifice.
“Leah?”
At her brother’s hesitant question, she gazed at him through blurry eyes.
“I don’t know if this would work, but would you consider becoming Beachy Amish?”
“Ach, Joel, what would Mamm and Daed think?”
“The same thing they thought about me turning Englisch. This wouldn’t be as bad as that. You’d still be Amish.”
Her parents had welcomed Joel back, although Daed’s eyes still revealed his hurt from time to time when he glanced at his son. Yet no one could doubt their love for him.
“Think about it, sis. It’s obvious you’ve fallen for him hard, you’ve adopted a child together, and he wants to marry you. You’d still be keeping your commitment to God.”
Leah shook her head. Yes, her commitment to God was paramount, and she’d still be faithful to Him. But leaving the church still wouldn’t be right. She’d joined the Old Order Amish. She loved her community and wanted to remain a part of it forever. If she became Beachy Amish, she’d be turning her back on everyone she loved.
Leah hung her head and gazed down at the beautiful little girl in her arms. “We’d be shunned.” She loved her daughter too much to make her an outcast from her own heritage.
“I know.” The sympathy in Joel’s voice touched her.
Her brother had experienced what it was like to be excluded from the family for years. He hadn’t been placed under the Bann because he hadn’t been baptized and hadn’t joined the church, but their father had treated Joel as if he’d been shunned. Leah’s case, as a baptized member, would be more clear-cut. Everyone in the community would be required to shun her for leaving the church. Joel and Daed had reconciled, but it still broke her father’s heart that Joel was not with the church. And they’d all endured the pain of separation—Joel most of all.
“It isn’t easy,” Joel admitted. “It’s a lonely life if you aren’t a part of a community. You’ll find yourself on the outside looking in, not really a part of anything because the Englisch will never quite accept you, and you’ll be unable to accept many of their ways.”
“And I’d break Mamm’s and Daed’s hearts…” She couldn’t hurt them more than they’d already been hurt by Joel. Yes, they’d forgiven him, but they’d always ache inside. She couldn’t add to their sorrow.
“Jah, it would,” her brother agreed, “but it would also be foolish to throw away the love of a good man.”
She wouldn’t be throwing away his love. “Kyle will still help me parent Ruby no matter what.”
“He’s a good man, then. Many men would walk away. But is it fair to Ruby not to have both her parents living in the same house?”
Plenty of Englischers did that, but the Amish married for life. When she got old enough, Ruby would question it, wonder why her home life was so different from her friends’. Could Leah put her little girl in that situation?
Yet what were the alternatives? Joining the Beachy Amish meant leaving the community she loved and being shunned.
Joel cleared his throat. “I’m not trying to play devil’s advocate here, but if you don’t marry Kyle, I assume that means you’re both free to marry other people?”
Leah’s eyes widened. “I-I don’t know. We didn’t talk about that.” Without a commitment from her, Kyle could marry someone else. He’d still continue to parent, but he might have a family of his own, and she’d have to watch him with his wife. Her stomach churned at the thought. Could she bear to be around him if he fell in love with someone else? She’d have to, for Ruby’s sake.
“Why don’t you pray about it?” Joel started down the nearest aisle, straightening shelves and putting products back in their proper places, something she did when she was nervous. “I’ll pray too,” he added. “And maybe you should discuss it with Mamm and Daed. They might have some ideas.”
“Thanks.” Leah wasn’t sure she wanted to discuss this situation with her parents, especially when she was pretty sure it wasn’t the right decision. If she backtracked, she’d only have caused them unnecessary heartache.
After saying good night to Joel and thanking him for his suggestions, Leah headed upstairs to put Ruby in her crib. As she lowered her sleeping daughter into bed, Kyle’s face flashed before Leah’s eyes. His tender gaze when he held and fed Ruby. He loved their little girl. Was it fair to him that he would never get to see her sleep at night? Never read her bedtime stories? Never wake to the patter of her feet as she grew older?
And what about her own life? Would she be content to leave Kyle each night, spend her nights alone? Joel’s suggestion that Kyle might marry someone else made her ache inside. She couldn’t ask him to give up his whole life for her and Ruby. Maybe he’d want to have a family of his own, other children.
Even if she gave up her Amish life for him, she’d never be able to give him children. He’d been happy to adopt Ruby, but had he only said that to comfort her? If he truly meant it, could she turn Beachy Amish to marry him?
Joel was right. The Beachy Amish did allow more freedom than the Old Order. Kyle could keep his Mennonite beliefs. He’d be permitted to use his car and remain a doctor. And she could get her certification as a midwife. She could even take nurse’s training the way Kyle had once encouraged her to do. They could be together as a family if Kyle was willing to join.
She’d struggle with some of their ideas, so she’d ask Kyle to let her keep most of her Old Order wa
ys. The other major hurdle would be her parents. She hated to hurt them this way, but she should ask for their counsel.
When Daed got home from work, Leah asked to talk to him and Mamm upstairs. In the bedroom, she poured out her heart.
Daed tugged at his beard the way he did whenever he was distressed. He remained silent and stoic.
Her eyes wet, Mamm said, “It seems it might be the best solution, dochder. I’d like to see you married, and a child should have two parents.”
Leah gave her a grateful glance. Mamm knew of Leah’s decision never to marry and her inability to have children. Likely, she viewed this as the only chance Leah would have. And she knew of Leah’s dreams of higher education.
Daed, his face sorrowful, said, “Parents don’t usually have a say in the choice of marriage partners. As much as it pains me, I will support whatever you decide. I only ask that you spend time in prayer before making such a momentous decision.”
“I will, Daed.” Though her heart longed to accept Kyle’s proposal, how could she leave the Old Order, knowing she’d be shunned by her community?
Mamm lifted her gaze to meet Leah’s. “You will always be welcome in our home whatever choice you make.”
They’d still have to keep to the rules of shunning, and Leah would need to eat at a separate table, but knowing she wouldn’t lose her parents’ love and could still be a part of family gatherings helped. Daed hadn’t agreed yet, though, and he was the head of the house. If he forbade it, Mamm would accept his decision. The way she’d done with Joel.
Daed’s grave expression indicated he might contradict Mamm, and Leah held her breath, waiting for his response.
He shuffled his feet and stared at the floorboards as if examining each whorl in the wood. Finally, he spoke. “I regret cutting Joel out of the family. I won’t be happy with your decision, but I won’t turn you away if you visit.”
“Danke, Daed.” Leah appreciated how hard it had been for him to agree to that.
Her heart lighter, Leah slipped from the room to pray. With her parents supporting her—or at least resigned to her decision if she chose to become Beachy Amish—Leah’s spirits were lighter. The road ahead would be difficult, but at least Ruby would get to know her grandparents. And with Kyle getting to know and love his first set of adoptive parents, Ruby would have a second set of doting grandparents. Leah couldn’t wait to tell Esther she had a granddaughter. If Kyle agreed, of course.
The Amish Midwife's Secret Page 27
