“Not churches. A church. And I had a problem. But I solved it, didn’t I, Mister Evans?”
The two men stared at each other for a second, then Evans said, “Yes. I suppose you did. And see where it has landed you.”
At dinner, things seemed to grow worse for Lanky.
The meal that night was creamed chicken, which was mostly a thick, grayish cream and not much chicken, with peas that had been boiled into a state where whatever claim they might once have had on being a vegetable had evaporated in the heat of the stove, and hard baked potatoes that had the same consistency as frozen, except that they were as hot as coals taken from the bottom of a fire. The tall man sat alone, at a corner table, while the other residents of the building jammed into seats at the other tables, trying to give him space. One or two residents had tried to join him at the start of the dinner, but Lanky had waved them away furiously, growling a bit like an old dog disturbed from its sleep.
The usual buzz of conversation seemed muted, the ordinary clatter of dishes and trays seemed softer. There were several tables set aside for the elderly, senile patients, who needed assistance, but even the hovering, attentive busywork of feeding them, or aiding the catatonics who stared blankly ahead, barely aware that they were being fed, seemed quieter, more subdued. From where he was seated, chewing unhappily on the tasteless meal, Francis could see that all the attendants in the dining room kept tossing glances at Lanky, trying to keep an eye on him, as they went about the business of taking care of the others. At one point Gulp-a-pill put in an appearance, spent a few moments intently observing Lanky before speaking rapidly with Evans. Before he left, Gulp-a-pill wrote out a scrip, which he handed to another nurse.
Lanky seemed oblivious to the attention he was drawing.
He was talking rapidly to himself, arguing back and forth, as he pushed the food on his plate about into a rapidly congealing mess. He gulped at a glass of water, gestured once or twice wildly, pointing at the air in front of him, his bony index finger jabbing the space, as if punching the chest of no one in front of him as he made a dramatic point to no one who was there. Then, just as rapidly, he would lower his face, and stare at his food, and return to mumbling to himself.
It was near dessert, squares of lime green Jell-O, when Lanky finally looked up, as if suddenly aware of where he was. He spun about in his seat, a look of surprise and astonishment on his face. His wiry gray hair, which usually fell in slimy rings to his shoulders, now seemed electrically charged, like a Saturday morning cartoon character whose finger is pushed into a light socket, except this was not a joke and no one was laughing. His eyes were wide and wild with fear, much like they had been when Francis first encountered the older man, but multiplied, as if accelerated by passion. Francis saw them search rapidly around the room, and then fasten on Short Blond, who was only a little ways away from where Lanky was seated, trying to help an elderly woman through her dinner, cutting each slimy morsel of chicken into small bites, then lifting them to her mouth as if she were a baby in a highchair.
Lanky pushed back sharply from his seat, sending the chair clattering to the floor. In the same motion, he lifted his cadaverous finger and began pointing it at the young nurse-trainee.
“You!” he cried out furiously.
Short Blond looked up, confused. For a second she pointed at herself, and Francis could see her mouth the word, “Me?” She didn’t move from where she was seated. Francis thought that this was probably her limited training. Any veteran of the hospital would have reacted much more swiftly.
“You!” he cried again. “It must be you!”
From the far side of the dining room, both Little Black and his brother started moving rapidly across the space. But the rows of tables and chairs and the crowd of patients, made their course filled with obstacles, and slowed their pace. Short Blond rose to her feet, staring at Lanky, who was now striding toward her quickly, finger outstretched, pointing directly at her. She recoiled slightly, backing up toward the wall.
“It’s you, I know it!” he cried. “You’re the new one! You’re the one that hasn’t been checked! It’s you, it must be! Evil! Evil! We’ve let her through the door! Get away! Get away! Everyone be careful! No telling what she might do!”
His frantic warnings seemed to imply to the other patients that Short Blond was diseased or explosive. Throughout the dining room, people shrank back in sudden fear.
Short Blond retreated to the nearest wall and held up her hand. Francis could see the edge of panic in her eyes as the old man steadily descended upon her, arms flapping like bird wings.
He started to wave the other patients away, his voice rising in pitch and fury, “Don’t worry! I’ll protect us!”
Big Black was now pushing tables and chairs aside, and Little Black vaulted one patient, who had fallen to his knees in some indistinct terror of his own. Francis could see Mister Evil sweeping in their direction, and Nurse Wrong and another nurse also moving through the tangle of patients, all of whom were knotting together, unsure whether to flee or to watch.
“It’s you!” Lanky shouted as he reached the nurse-trainee, and towered menacingly above her.
“It’s not!” Short Blond screamed in her high-pitched, reedy voice.
“It is!” Lanky yelled back.
“Lanky! Stop there!” Little Black shouted. Big Black was closing fast, his own face set in an obsidian mask of determination.
“It isn’t, it isn’t!” Short Blond said, cowering, sliding down the wall.
And then, with Big Black and Mister Evil still yards away, there was a momentary silence. Lanky rose up, stretching toward the ceiling, as if he was going to throw himself down upon Short Blond. Francis heard Peter the Fireman cry out from nearby, but he wasn’t sure where, “Lanky don’t! Stop right now!”
And, to Francis’s surprise, the big man did.
He looked down at Short Blond and a quizzical look came over his face, almost as if he was inspecting test results from an experiment that didn’t precisely show what the scientist thought they should. His face took on a skewed, curious expression. Much more quietly, he gazed at Short Blond, and asked, almost politely, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes, yes,” she choked, “I’m sure!”
He stared at her closely. “I’m confused,” he said sadly. It was a deflation of immediate and immense proportions. One second, he’d been this avenging force, gathered as if for assault, then in a microsecond, he was childlike and small, diminished by a storm of doubts.
In that moment, Big Black finally reached Lanky’s side, and roughly grabbed the tall man by the arms, pinning them back. “What the hell are you doing!” he demanded angrily. Little Black was only a stride behind, and he stepped into the space between the patient and the nurse-trainee. “Step back!” he insisted, a command that was obeyed instantly, because his immense brother jerked Lanky rearward.
“I could be wrong,” Lanky said, shaking his head. “It seemed so clear, at first. Then it changed. Just all of a sudden, it changed. I’m just not sure.”
The tall man turned his head to Big Black, craning his ostrichlike neck. Doubt and sadness filled his voice. “I thought it had to be her, you see. It had to be. She’s the newest. She hasn’t been here at all long. A newcomer, to be sure. And we have to be so careful not to let evil inside the walls. We have to be vigilant at all times. I’m sorry,” he said, turning as Short Blond rose to her feet, trying to regain her own composure. “I was so sure.” He looked at her hard again, and his eyes narrowed.
“I’m just still not sure,” he said stiffly. “It could be. She could be lying to me. Satan’s assistants are expert liars. They are deceivers, each and every one of them. It’s easy for them to make someone seem innocent, when they’re really not.”
Now his voice lacked rage and doubt.
Short Blond stepped away from the group, keeping her eyes warily on where Lanky was being held by Big Black. Evans had finally managed to cross the room and join the tangle of peo
ple, and he was speaking directly to Little Black. “See that he gets a sedative tonight. Fifty milligrams of Nembutal, IV, at medication time. Maybe we should put him in isolation for the night, as well.”
Lanky was still eyeing Short Blond, when he heard the word isolation. He spun toward Mister Evil and shook his head vehemently. “No, no, I’m okay, really, I am, I was just doing my job, really. I won’t be a problem, I promise …” His voice trailed off.
“We’ll see,” said Evans. “See how he responds to the sedative.”
“I’ll be fine,” Lanky insisted. “Really. I won’t be a problem. Not at all. Please don’t put me into isolation.”
Evans turned to Short Blond. “You can take a break,” he said. But the slender nurse-trainee shook her head.
“I’m okay,” she replied, mustering some bravery in her words, and went back to feeding the elderly woman in the wheelchair. Francis noted that Lanky was still staring in Short Blond’s direction, his unwavering gaze marked with what he took for uncertainty, but, later, realized could be many different emotions. The usual evening crowd pushed and complained at medication time that night. Short Blond was behind the wire mesh of the nurses’ station, helping to distribute the pills, but the other, older and more experienced nurses took the lead in handing out the evening concoctions. A few voices were raised in complaint, and one man started crying when another pushed him aside, but it seemed to Francis that the outburst at dinner had rendered most of the Amherst residents if not exactly speechless, at least subdued. He thought to himself that the hospital was all about balances. Medications balanced out the madness; age and confinement balanced out energy and ideas. Everyone in the hospital accepted a certain routine, he thought, where space and action were limited and defined and regimented. Even the occasional jostling and arguing, like nightly at medication time, was all part of an elaborate insane minuet, as codified as a Renaissance dance step.
He saw Lanky enter the area in front of the nurses’ station, accompanied by Big Black. The tall man was shaking his head, and Francis heard him complain, “I’m okay, I’m okay. I don’t need anything extra to calm me down …”
But Big Black’s face had lost the easygoing edge it usually wore, and Francis overheard him say calmly, “Lanky, you gotta do this nice and easy-like, because otherwise we’re gonna have to put you in a jacket and lock you up in isolation for the night, and I know you don’t want that. So take yourself a deep breath and roll up your sleeve and don’t fight something that shouldn’t be fought.”
Lanky nodded, complacent in that moment, although Francis saw that he eyed Short Blond, working at the rear of the station, warily. Whatever doubts Lanky had about Short Blond’s capacity to be a child of Satan, it was clear to Francis that they had not been resolved by medication or persuasion. The tall man seemed to quiver from head to toe with anxiety. But he did not fight Nurse Bones, who approached him with a hypodermic dripping with medication, and who swiped his arm with alcohol and stiffly plunged the needle into Lanky’s skin. Francis thought it must have hurt, but Lanky showed no signs of discomfort. He stole a final long look at Short Blond, before allowing Big Black to lead him away, back to the dormitory room.
chapter 5
Outside my apartment the evening traffic had increased. I could hear diesel sounds from heavy trucks, the occasional blare of a car’s horn and the constant hum of wheels against pavement. Night comes slowly in the summertime, insinuating itself like a mean thought on a happy occasion. Streaky shadows find the alleys first, then start creeping through yards and across sidewalks, up the sides of buildings, and slithering snakelike through windows, or taking purchase in the branches of shade trees until finally darkness seizes hold. Madness, I often thought, was a little like the night, because of the different ways in different years it spread itself over my heart and my imagination, sometimes harshly and quickly, other times slowly, subtly, so that I barely knew it was taking over.
I tried to think: Had I ever known a darker night, than that one at the Western State Hospital? Or a night filled with more madness?
I went to the sink, filled a glass with water, took a gulp, and thought: I’ve left out the stench. It was a combination of human waste battling against undiluted cleansers. The stink of urine versus the smell of disinfectant. Like babies, so many old and senile patients had no control over their bowels, so the hospital reeked of accidents. To combat this, every corridor had at least two storage rooms equipped with rags, mops, and buckets filled with the harshest of chemical cleaning agents. It sometimes seemed as if there was someone constantly swabbing down a floor somewhere or another. The lye-based cleaners were fiercely powerful, they burned your eyes when they hit the linoleum floor, and made breathing hard, as if something was clawing at your lungs.
It was hard to anticipate when these accidents would happen. In a normal world, I suppose, one could more or less regularly identify the stresses or fears that might prompt a loss of control by some ancient person, and take steps to reduce those occurrences. It would take a little logic, a little sensitivity, and some planning and foresight. Not a big deal. But in the hospital, where all the stresses and fears that ricocheted around the hallways were so unplanned, and stemmed from so many haphazard thoughts, the idea of anticipation and avoidance was pretty much impossible.
So, instead, we had buckets and powerful cleaners.
And, because of the frequency that nurses and attendants were called upon to use these items, the storage rooms were rarely locked up. They were supposed to be, of course, but like so many things at the Western State Hospital, the reality of the rules gave way to a madness-defined practicality.
What else did I remember about that night? Did it rain? Did the wind blow?
What I recalled, instead, were the sounds.
In the Amherst Building there were nearly three hundred patients crowded into a facility originally designed for about one third that number. On any given night a few people might have been moved into one of the isolation cells up on the fourth floor that Lanky had been threatened with. The beds were jammed up next to each other, so that there was only a few inches of space between each sleeping patient. Along one side of the dorm room, there were some grimy windows. These were barred, and provided a little ventilation, although the men in the bunks beneath them frequently closed them up tight, because they were scared of what might be on the other side.
The nighttime was a symphony of distress.
Snoring, coughing, gurgling noises mingled with nightmares. People spoke in their dreams, to family and friends who weren’t there, to Gods who ignored their prayers, to demons that tormented them. People cried constantly, weeping endlessly through the darkest hours. Everyone slept, no one rested.
We were locked in with all the loneliness that night brings.
Perhaps it was the moonlight streaming through the barred windows that kept me flittering between sleep and wakefulness that night. Perhaps I was still unsettled over what had taken place during the day. Perhaps my voices were restless. I have thought about it often, for I am still not sure what kept me in that awkward stage between alertness and unconsciousness throughout the dark hours. Peter the Fireman was groaning in his sleep, tossing about fitfully in the bunk next to mine. The night was hard for him; during the daytime, he was able to maintain a reasonableness that seemed out of place in the hospital. But at night something gnawed steadily away within him. And, as I faded back and forth between these states of anxiety, I remember seeing Lanky, several bunks distant, sitting up, legs folded like a red Indian at some tribal council, staring out across the room. I recall thinking that the tranquilizer that they gave him hadn’t done the job, for by all rights he should have been pitched into a dark, dreamless, drug-induced sleep. But whatever the impulses that had so electrified him earlier, they were easily battling the tranquilizer, and instead, he sat, mumbling to himself, gesturing with his hands like a conductor who couldn’t quite get the symphony to play at the right tempo.
T
hat was how I remembered him, that night, as I slipped in and out of consciousness myself, right to the moment I had felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. That was the moment, I thought. Start right there.
And so, I took the pencil and wrote:
Francis slept in fits and starts until he was awakened by an insistent shaking that seemed to drag him abruptly from some other unsettled place and instantly reminded him where he was. He blinked open his eyes, but before they adjusted to the dark, he could hear Lanky’s voice, whispering softly, but energetically, filled with a childish excitement and pleasure, saying, “We’re safe, C-Bird. We’re safe!”
Francis slept in fits and starts until he was awakened by an insistent shaking that seemed to drag him abruptly from some other unsettled place and instantly reminded him where he was. He blinked open his eyes, but before they adjusted to the dark, he could hear Lanky’s voice, whispering softly, but energetically, filled with a childish excitement and pleasure, saying, “We’re safe, C-Bird. We’re safe!”
The tall man was perched like some winged dinosaur, on the edge of the bed. In the moonlight that filtered past the window bars, Francis could see a wild look of joy and relief on the man’s face.
“Safe from what, Lanky?” Francis asked, although as soon as he asked the question, he realized he knew the answer.
“From evil,” Lanky replied. He wrapped his arms around himself, hugging his own body. Then, in a second motion, he lifted his left hand and put it to his face, placing his forehead in his hand, as if the pressure of his palm and fingers could hold back some of the thoughts and ideas that were springing forth so zealously.
When Lanky took his hand away from his forehead, it seemed to Francis that it left behind a mark, almost like soot. It was hard to see in the wan light that sliced the dormitory room. Lanky must have felt something, as well, because he suddenly looked down at his fingers quizzically.
The Madman's Tale Page 9
