Mel sniffed and emptied her glass.
“There have been rumors about Jake Allingham,” she said. “But then there are always rumors about nubile young actors with faces like Greek Gods. I never put much stock in them myself.”
“You’re saying that, what, that they’re both gay and putting it all on for the press? Seriously, Mel.” Kate stared at her and shook her head. “It’s the twenty-first century. People do not do that anymore.”
“You’d be surprised,” Mel said. “I could name three celebrity couples just off the top of my head that are in marriages of convenience. Either because one or both of them are gay or for some other reason, like the real object of their affection is someone unsuitable by LA standards. The press hold a hell of a lot of sway in this city, Kate. And a lot of people will do a lot of things to keep the fame, power and money that’s promised to them.”
“No,” Kate said firmly. “That’s ridiculous. And verging on wishful thinking. I won’t believe it. Besides, all of this is pointless. With any luck I’ll be moving to New York some time soon. I don’t want to have anything to do with Nat Lee. This whole experience was... interesting maybe, and not always in a good way. But it’s over. Any stupid emotional feelings on my part will go. I’m sure of it.”
“Whatever you say,” Mel said.
“Nothing can or will happen.”
“And yet you obviously have feelings. Why not act on them? Why not just speak up, ask for what you want? The worst that can happen is that she says no.”
Or that she leaks it to the press, or to the network of PR agents and freelance agents and magazines that Kate hoped were going to take an interest in her work. Or Nat laughed at her. That, that would hurt the most.
“Let it go. Nothing will happen. It was a learning experience and I’ve grown from it. End of story.”
“Whatever you say,” said Mel again.
Kate gave her an eye roll. “Tell me about your week,” she said.
✽✽✽
It was late on a Friday afternoon almost two weeks since the cabin shoot when Kate’s phone rang on her desk. She shoved her hair out of her eyes and blinked to get the images from her computer screen out of her mind before picking it up. Unknown number. She clicked ‘accept call.’
“Kate S. Photography.”
“Are you avoiding me?”
Her hand started trembling. In truth yes, she had been ignoring Nat. She just wanted her to go away. Had hoped that she would go away, that this whole thing would fade away into the past and she could get on with her life. She’d ignored the emails, had even ignored a couple of calls from Brooks.
“No, of course not.”
But the sound of Nat’s voice brought lightness to her heart even though she knew it shouldn’t. She’d tried so hard to put Nat out of her mind, which was tough to do when she’d spent hours poring over her pictures and selecting the perfect ones for her portfolio. Just four words though, and all her feelings came flooding back. Four words and her heart was throbbing and her pulse was racing and her mouth was dry.
“Good. Because you promised me copies of those pictures and I’m going to hold you to it,” Nat said through the phone. “You’re not the only one with a portfolio, you know.”
“I’ll get them couriered over tomorrow.”
“Nope, bring them over tonight.”
Kate thought fast, but not fast enough. “I, uh, can’t.”
“Why, what are you doing?”
“Working.” Not a good enough answer.
“It’s Friday night. Take a break. Bring me the pics, please? I need to work on my portfolio with Brooks and he’s called some horrible meeting at an ungodly hour tomorrow, probably to try and keep me from getting into trouble tonight. Please, Kate?”
She hated that she wanted to go. Hated that she wanted to see her. Why? Why draw all this out? Why put herself into an impossible situation? But she couldn’t think of an excuse. More, she wanted to be there. One last time, she promised herself. One time. She’d go, drop off the pictures, then leave. Five minutes max. She’d steal a memory, a glimpse of the private Nat, a remembrance of her scent, an image of the light catching in her eyes. Something to look at, to remember later, privately, when all this was less confusing. Just one last time.
“Fine,” she said. “I’ll be there in an hour.”
Chapter Ten
“I have big news.”
Kate was standing in the corridor still, the big double front door open, Nat standing framed by it. She was wearing simple cut-offs and a t-shirt, nothing special. No makeup. Her hair was looped up, kept off her face. She was breath-taking. Absolutely beautiful. Kate felt her body start to respond, worse, felt her head start to respond. And Nat was blushing and talking at the same time and Kate wanted to kiss her.
There, she’d admitted it to herself. She wanted to kiss Nat Lee. She wanted to feel those lips, to feel that skin, to sink into those eyes. And why? Because she sang badly in the car. Because she helped carry a few bags. Because she looked so badly like she needed love. Who else in Nat’s life had ever loved her?
“Big news?” she managed to echo.
“Come in, come in,” Nat said, standing aside. “First, and most important, I want you to know that I’m clean. Not a single pill or anything else since we left the cabin. Oh, I’ve had a couple of glasses of champagne her and there, but never more than two at a time. And I’ve not been in the gossip pages for almost a week. Brooks is about to lose his shit.”
“Why?” Kate was following her down the hallway.
“Because there’s no pleasing him,” Nat grinned. “It’s not enough that I’m not hitting the front pages for bad reasons, I should be hitting them for good reasons instead. I told him I was working on it.”
“Are you?”
“Not really,” she grinned again.
It was a good start, there was no denying that. But it had been all of two weeks. And even two weeks clean didn’t make Nat’s lifestyle any less toxic. The pressure she was under must be incredible, Kate thought. Maybe Nat was stronger than she’d given her credit for. Saying no to her so-called friends must be tough. She relaxed a little more, let herself draw just a little closer to Nat.
“And the best part is, thanks to your report on my performance, Brooks has put me up for an audition next week,” Nat was saying. “It’s a big part too, something amazing though I’m not supposed to talk about it.”
She had led them to a large table, chairs surrounding it, a low light suspended over the tabletop.
“That’s why my portfolio needs work,” she was saying. “And why I’m grateful for you bringing the pictures over. And obviously, grateful to you for...”
She looked up and her eyes were sparkling and Kate knew, just knew, that she was falling for her. She tried to stall the fall.
“No need for gratitude.”
“Yes, there is. Kate, you gave me the confidence I needed, you gave me strength, calm, whatever it was that happened up there. You showed me that I can do this. And you told Brooks that I could too. I owe you. Big time.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Her stomach was feeling uncomfortable, twisting and turning with emotions. She put the envelope of pictures onto the table. And Nat promptly emptied it out and bent over the shots.
Maybe a TV job would be good for her. A stricter schedule, less time to party, people watching over her all the time. A steady paycheck. Perhaps this was just what Nat needed. Or perhaps, said Kate’s little back-of-the-head voice, perhaps you’re just what she needs. I make her feel centered, she said so, I make her feel calm. Perhaps I’m just what she needs. She could help Nat, she saw that now.
There was no reason that she should want to help Nat though. Other than her obvious attraction to her. No reason why she should accept this woman that had treated her so badly back into her life. Yet Nat really had changed. Hadn’t she?
“This one and this one are the best,” Nat said, separating two shots from the rest
.
Kate looked down. One was a shot that she’d already selected herself for her own portfolio. The other was one she’d quickly disregarded.
“Really? This one?” she asked, pointing to the second.
“Look at the light,” Nat said. “Look closely. Look at the juxtaposition of textures on the dress and the tree trunk. Look at the way the lines blur together and yet everything stands separately. This is a brilliant photo, Kate.”
And Kate did look more closely. She was right. The image that she’d dismissed so quickly on her computer screen was actually a wonderful one. Not just beautiful, but technically proficient as well. She made a mental note to add it back into her portfolio. Nat sorted through a few more of the pictures.
“You know, you really have to relax.”
Instinctively, Kate let her arms hang a little more freely. Nat caught the movement and laughed.
“Not right now. When you’re shooting,” she said.
It could have been an insult, a criticism. But Nat’s tone wasn’t critical. Kate thought she was being constructive. And the woman obviously knew what she was talking about. Kate had completely missed that second picture, would have trashed it if Nat hadn’t noticed it.
“Why?” she asked cautiously.
“Because you’re too controlling. Even in the way you hold the camera. You’re stiff and in charge. You need to relax and let the process happen. You can see it in this picture,” she pointed to a shot. “And this, and this. They seem almost too posed, too framed. There’s an element of spontaneity missing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Here,” Nat said, looking around and then grabbing a book that happened to be sitting close by. “Hold this like you’d hold your camera.”
Kate did as she was told, feeling stupid.
“And already you’re gripping it like someone’s going to take it away from you. You’re too stiff.” Nat was behind her now, putting her hands onto Kate’s arms, moving them. Kate almost groaned. The touch was too much and not enough. She wanted more.
“Relax,” Nat said.
She moved a little, coming around so that she could see Kate’s face. But one of her hands was still there, trailing now so that Nat was lightly holding her around the waist. It felt... good. Natural. Kate tried not to breath harder, tried to show no sign that the touch was having any effect at all.
“Have you ever done yoga?” Nat asked.
Kate shook her head dumbly.
“Okay, try this,” said Nat.
By the third pose that Nat showed her Kate was feeling a lot more relaxed, but that was mostly because she was almost hysterical with laughter. Everything that Nat could do so naturally and effortlessly seemed to end up with Kate falling on her butt. And every time she fell they both dissolved into giggles.
“That’s probably enough,” Nat said, wiping her eyes. “Else there’s a serious chance I’m going to wet myself.” She looked up and Kate caught her eyes, and then she smiled just a little. “Hey, you want to grab some dinner? It’s getting late. We could go out if you want or just order in. Whatever.”
No. No, no, no. The defenses came back. This couldn’t happen. She couldn’t stay. She was falling for Nat, whatever she’d told Mel, and that just couldn’t happen. Couldn’t happen at all. For a million reasons.
“No, I, uh, I can’t.”
“Oh. Okay.”
The hurt was evident. But Kate was saved from any further explanation by Jake, who came bounding down the stairs looking like a million bucks. Jeans tight, hair gelled back, he looked like he’d stepped straight out of a shoot.
“I should be going,” Kate said immediately.
“Don’t go on my account,” Jake grinned. The doorbell sounded. “That’ll be for me.”
Kate was already turning towards the door, looking for her escape route, so she saw exactly what happened next.
Jake opened the door. He pulled inside the person waiting. A thin, Asian man, skin like toasted almonds and hair spiky. And then he kissed him.
“Missed you.”
The man grinned.
“See you later girls,” Jake said, before hurrying the man out of the apartment.
Kate turned back to Nat, who was smiling in a sad kind of way. “Who was that?” She knew that she sounded accusatory.
“That would be Van.” A heartbeat of a pause. “Jake’s boyfriend.”
Kate felt her heart speed up. She said nothing, not sure of what to say, what her reaction should be.
“And now you know our dirtiest secret,” Nat said finally.
“But why?” was the only thing Kate could think of to say.
“Come over here,” Nat said, walking towards the couch. “You look like you might fall over.”
Kate followed her, not sure if she was following what was happening. Not sure if she was pleased or sad or... anything.
“Why?” Nat said, sitting down and waiting until Kate joined. “The same reason anyone does anything in this town. Reputation. Brooks set it up, it was his idea. Well, him and Jake’s agent too. It works out for both of us.”
“But who cares?” asked Kate. “I mean, seriously, it’s not like being gay is a problem nowadays.”
“You’d be surprised,” said Nat. “Especially for someone like Jake. His romantic comedies play well in the Red states, he’s got fans, followers in love with him. It makes financial sense, career sense, for him not to be out. And for me, well, Jake gives me somewhat of an aura of respectability, I suppose. At least that was the plan. That I look more settled, less wild.”
“How awful.”
Her words barely covered the tip of her feelings about having to hide who you were. Nat sighed.
“But now that’s out of the way, now you know, there’s something else. I’ve been trying here, Kate. Trying so hard. And I don’t know if it’s that I’m not being clear enough or if you’re just not interested at all. God knows, I’d understand if you aren’t.”
“What are you talking about?” Even though she knew full well what Nat was talking about.
“This,” said Nat. “Us. Is it just me? Or is there something here? Something starting?”
“Something? Us? What?”
She sounded like an idiot, but she hadn’t had time to process this new information, no time to sort it all out in her head. Nat sighed again and banged her head on the back of the couch in a show of frustration.
“Jesus. Okay, let’s be clear then. Cards on the table. Kate. I like you. As in like you like you. As in I’m attracted to you. And I was starting to think that maybe, possibly, you might feel the same way. But maybe I’m wrong. If I am, just say the word and I’ll leave you alone.”
“You like me?”
Nat laughed and ran her fingers through her hair.
“Kate, I’ve come so close to kissing you a half dozen times. Did you really have no idea?”
Her heart was pounding. She swallowed.
“Then why didn’t you?”
It wasn’t the question that she’d meant to ask. She had no idea what she’d meant to say.
“Because I was afraid,” shrugged Nat.
“Afraid?”
“You’re always so spiky. So in control. And I guess I’m jealous of that. Jealous that you always have things in hand. That... I don’t know. That you’re you. I mean, why would you want me?”
And now Kate laughed. It was so unlike Nat, so unexpected.
“No, I’m serious,” Nat said. “I’m beautiful, definitely. But other than that. Jesus, I’m pretend-dating a gay man, I’m not out, I drink too much and take the occasional happy pill. I’m as close to the end of my career as I can get without actually being dead, and I’ve got nothing else lined up. It’s not exactly like I have a lot to offer. Particularly when compared to someone like you. Someone who knows what she wants, someone in control of her life.”
“Are you sure you’re talking about me?”
It was happening. She was falling again. She hadn’t sto
pped the fall, only grabbed onto a fragile branch for a moment, and now that branch had snapped. Now, with Nat’s honesty, with her bare explanation of how she felt, Kate was tumbling back down. And she didn’t want to. She so didn’t want to.
“I’m talking about you, Kate,” said Nat quietly. “And then there’s all the other stuff. I liked you before, you know. I liked you at the first shoot we did. And I thought maybe I could get you to like me too. Then you told me about our past, about me hurting you so badly and I thought that I’d blown any chance I had. Then you came here tonight, and I thought maybe I hadn’t. I don’t know. I’m confused.”
“You’re not the only one.”
They sat quietly for a moment, the sun setting over the city through the big window in front of them.
“I liked you even before that,” Nat said eventually. “When we were kids, I mean. I don’t think I understood it at the time. I just knew that you made me feel a way that I wasn’t supposed to feel about another girl. And maybe that’s part of the reason that I did what I did to you as well. You made me feel abnormal, just when I wanted to feel a part of something, just when I was starting to feel normal again. I hated you for that.”
Nat’s hand was coming closer, was brushing her leg, and then resting on her thigh and Kate wanted to shrug it off. But she also wanted it to stay there.
“You haven’t said anything.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Kate said truthfully.
“Is there something here?” asked Nat. “Or am I just making it up?”
Kate took a deep breath then blew it out. Now was her chance. She could lie. Could leave. But she couldn’t. Nat was being honest with her, she knew that. It was only fair to give her the same courtesy.
“There’s something here,” she said.
“That’s a start,” said Nat.
“But I’m not sure how I feel about it.”
“That’s fair.”
“I mean, I don’t know if anything can happen or...”
There was a moment of peaceful quiet.
“You’re good for me, Kate,” Nat said. “You make me feel a way that I haven’t felt for a long, long time. I feel like I’d be an idiot if I didn’t at least try and see where this could go.”
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