by River Savage
“So, I’d let him play me. Any day.” Lissy’s eyes glaze over and I know she is imagining something that involves Jesse Carter.
“Oh, I know you would.” I know just how well Lissy likes to play. She’s not shy when it comes to men.
“He likes you.”
“Please, don’t,” I whisper, knowing where it’s leading. I wish I was ready for anything remotely like what she is implying, but I’m not.
“He does. Couldn’t keep his eyes off you.” She shrugs, stating the facts. I know I felt his stare burn into me, but I can’t read too much into it. I won’t allow it.
“Yes, Lissy, but show the man legs and he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes off them; besides, he’s old. A lot older.”
“No, I think you’re wrong. He totally wants you, and he isn’t that old, Jesus. Older men are better lovers,” Manda adds, but I won’t let her words affect me. I can’t allow him affect me.
“I wonder what games he’s good at playing.” Lissy groans, and this time, I can’t fight my grin. Typical Lissy. I love my friends but they are all hopeless romantics. I’m the least romantic person ever. I don’t believe in love or fairytales with happily ever afters, and I don’t need a man to make me happy. Am I lonely? Sometimes, but having a man in my bed isn’t going to fill the void in my life. I know that. Especially men like Jesse Carter.
“Just quit it, guys. I’m not interested, you know this,” I say, cutting their daydreaming short.
“But why, Bell?” Kate pushes. “You should be a little bit interested. Just look at him.”
“You know why.” I shake my head, ignoring what she thinks I should and shouldn’t be doing. I’m so sick of hearing it. Why can’t people let it go?
“Because of Paige?” she asks and I can hear the sadness in the question.
“No,” I snap back the lie. I don’t do sympathy and I hate when they blame Paige for my lack of interest in men.
“You can’t wait forever for her,” Manda whispers and I know they are about to start back up again.
“Guys.”
“You do know how messed up this is? It’s your birthday and your family is at home mourning her. You have a man, a sexy-as-sin man come up to you and you just shut him down.” Lissy reminds me, spreading my sadness further down into my soul. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell.
“Lissy stop.”
“No, Bell. It’s not right. You’re important too. Don’t you see?” she keeps pressing, but it’s the last thing I need to hear tonight.
“It’s okay for you guys. You don’t have to live with it. You didn’t lose your sister. Your mother didn’t lose her child.” I drag a deep breath through my nose, hoping to calm my frustration.
“No, but thousands of people do, and there comes a time when moving on is the next step,” Manda adds and I know she’s right. It’s not like we are the only family in the world who are mourning a missing person, but until you live it, breathe it, you have no idea what it’s like.
“Do you know what it’s like not knowing if she’s alive?” I ask, my insecurities flaring at being ganged up on. “We live with it daily. You all sit here and act like I’m some pushover, like I’m wasting my life simply because I’m holding out hope for my sister to be alive.”
“Bell, it’s been six years,” Lissy whispers, reminding me just how much we have lost.
Another blow to the gut.
“Yeah and her body hasn’t been found. You might think you know what it feels like but you don’t. You couldn’t begin to imagine. So what, a man asks me to dance and I say no, so it has to be Paige’s fault?” I stand, pushing my chair back in frustration. Thoughts of Paige and where she could be, what she might have endured, flash in front of me and I can’t handle it.
“Bell, wait.” Manda stands but I can’t be around them right now, not if they continue to throw this all back in my face.
“Just give me five,” I say, needing some fresh air. They don’t follow me. Much to my relief. I need to calm down. I make my way outside; the need to take a breather calls to me. I can’t believe my birthday turned out like this. I should have known better. My birthday has been jinxed since I was seventeen—the night my sister vanished. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.
Pushing the doors with both hands, I drag another breath through my nose and let it fill my lungs. What my friends don’t know is, I hate my sister for this overwhelming despair, this resentment. I don’t know how much more of this painful loneliness I can take. Then in the same breath, I feel desperate, desperate not to give up, often questioning my own well-being. What if she did run away like the police first thought. What if she is dead, her body never to be found? Sometimes I wish she were dead. That her body would show up, end the constant worry. Then maybe our family could have some closure. Maybe the heartbreak of reliving my birthday every year not knowing what has happened to her would be easier. The unknown scares me. One day we have to have the answers. One day we have to have closure.
“Baby, if I knew you’d get so excited over my bike, I’d fuck you over the back.” A deep voice grabs my attention and I find myself staring at Jesse sucking face with some blonde-haired, big-boobed Amazon woman.
Oh, man, not him again. His tanned arm comes around the woman’s waist and pulls her to him. She wraps a leg around him and starts rubbing up against him. It’s the last thing I want to see, but for reasons I don’t want to admit, I can’t look away.
“You know his club has connections. Maybe they could put some feelers out there for Paige?” Lissy comes up behind me as I stand and watch Jesse pull back from the woman then plant her on his bike.
“Why are we still talking about him?” I turn my back, disgusted when I find myself wishing it was me getting on his bike. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He gets me so worked up. I would never be what Jesse wants, and he would never be what I need. So why does seeing him kiss some skank make me want to be sick? The rumble of his bike grabs my attention and before I can catch myself, I turn back one last time.
“You would look good on the back of his bike,” Lissy teases, and it’s my cue to get back inside.
“Oh, God, no, never,” I lie, hoping I pull it off. We make our way back to the table as I try to push all thoughts of Jesse out of my head.
“I was just telling Bell about the connections the Knights Rebels have,” Lissy tells Manda and Kate as we sit back down at the table. “This isn’t public knowledge but, one of my friends said they helped a woman escape an abusive relationship a while back.” I glance at Lissy, silently thanking her for easing us back into conversation after storming off on them.
“Do you think they would help me?” I sit a little straighter; a small fire sparks in my belly. Could they be the help I need to finally find her? The police have exhausted all avenues. But something has to give. Someone out there has to know something. Something we are missing.
“They might, but how do you ask something like that if it’s all hush?” Kate voices my small concern.
“I have no idea. Maybe just ask Jesse.” Lissy smirks and I immediately know her game plan.
“She barely talked to him earlier. How do you suggest she walk into the club asking for help?” Manda doesn’t seem convinced. But the idea is growing on me.
“They’d eat her alive. It would be interesting to watch.” Lissy laughs but I don’t find anything funny about it.
“I’d be willing to try.” I’d be willing to try anything for Paige, for my family.
“So what, she just walks into the club and asks for help?” Kate asks, not buying it. I’m kind of with her; no doubt Jesse would love it.
“No, we go to one of the club parties, have a few drinks, relax and just drop it in.” Lissy sits up, trying to form an idea.
“You think it will work?” I force myself not to get too excited, but I can’t help it.
“I don’t know him, you do. Either way, there’s no harm in trying.” She’s right; there’s no harm in trying. If I could he
lp give my family the answers they need, I’d do it. I’d do anything.
“I want to try,” I tell them. Hope slowly ignites in my heart once again. The awareness brings questions and anticipation but I know it’s what I need.
“Okay, let me talk to my friend who knows them. She’s seeing some guy named Hunter, the newest member. She asked if I wanted to go to a club party a couple of weeks back. Maybe she can get us in.”
“Yes, do it.” I nod ready for this. This is one chance I can’t give up. Even if it means talking to Jesse.
“Okay, but if she says yes, there is no pulling out. We’re doing this,” she throws her warning at me, but I don’t need it.
“I want this,” I tell her.
“And if they agree, whatever they find out, you have to accept,” she adds and I understand what she is saying. If the Rebels don’t find my sister, I have to let it go. I can’t promise her that, so I lie.
“I will.”
She licks her lips before taking a sip of her drink. “Well, looks like we might be going to a Rebels’ party.” She sounds as excited as I feel. But knowing Lissy, it’s for totally different reasons.
“I hear they party hard.” Manda flashes an are-you-sure-about-this grin at me, but I can’t let myself think about that right now.
This is the chance I need. I just need one break, one clue. There has to be someone who knows something, and something in me tells me the Knights Rebels just might be able to give me my answers.
* * *
“I don’t even look like myself.” I turn my face to check out another angle. “I really don’t think this is a good idea.” I blink once, then twice and decide I’m in way over my head. Tonight, we’re going to the Knights Rebels’ clubhouse to see if they can help me. I’ve had the last two weeks to think this game plan over, two weeks to ponder if they can really help. Two weeks to gather some much needed confidence.
“You don’t look like you, so what? It will make it easier to relax,” Lissy explains. I let my eyes travel over my face at the artwork she has managed. My dark hair is pulled up in a bun on top of my head, waiting for Manda to work her magic, but my face, my face is flawless—smoky eyes, long lashes. I’m looking at myself but seeing a different woman.
“How do I not look like me?” I ask again, listening to them all laugh.
“Have you ever had your makeup done?” Manda asks, and I shake my head. There has never been a time when I’ve needed to. Not once.
“Tell me why we have to go to this extreme again?” I ask, watching Manda set up her curling iron, ready to start on my hair.
“Have you seen the women these men get? We need to fit in, okay?” Lissy pulls out a short black skirt while searching for something to pair it with.
“I am not wearing that.” I spy the gold top she chooses.
“You will if you want to get the man,” she counters, placing it on the bed.
“I don’t want any man,” I scoff, turning away from the mirror and picking up the small scrap of material she expects me to wear. It’s barely enough to cover the most important parts.
“You should! Especially a man like Jesse.” Manda swoons and I roll my eyes. God, help me.
“Please, just stop,” I plead and fall back on the bed. The nerves are becoming too much, eating at me each minute that ticks by. “I’m not trying to get laid. I’m trying to find my sister,” I remind them what tonight is about. I know this is exciting for them, but for me, this is about Paige. Nothing more.
“We know, but wouldn’t it be cool to get laid as well?” Lissy asks so seriously I have to process it for a second.
“NO!” I sit up and look at her.
“Come on, Bell, you’re twenty-three, for God’s sake.”
“So?” The question squeaks from my lips because I know what she’s about to say.
“A twenty-three year old virgin.”
“Hey, I’ve had sex before.” I counter, hating they still think I’m a virgin.
“Bell,” Lissy sighs, “did the penis make it all the way in?” She asks the same question every time we argue about this subject.
“Halfway,” I admit, watching them laugh. “Where’s Kate gone?” I ask, starting to feel picked on.
“Don’t change the subject,” Manda says but I ignore her.
“Kate,” I call out, needing backup. Out of all the girls, Kate is the one who agrees with me.
“Bell, you do know you’re still a virgin, right? The one penetration when you were sixteen doesn’t count.” Lissy moves to the bed and sits next to me.
I look up, wanting to argue my case, but if I’m being honest, she’s right. “I know,” I sigh, wishing I had let it happen all the way. The stigma of being a twenty-three year old virgin is getting old.
“Not that we are saying anything bad about it, but you should pop your cherry before you get to fifty, and when I say pop, I mean pop it all the way.” Lissy laughs, so I nudge her shoulder. Unprepared for it, she tilts back before falling to the floor.
“Teasing me about my virginity isn’t very nice,” I tell her, then help her up.
“Well, lose it and it won’t be an issue.” She falls on me, pushing me back onto the bed.
“I’ll lose it when I’m ready, and it won’t be with a man like Jesse,” I shift her off me. I know they are playing with me, but a part of me hates that I haven’t experienced it yet. I often wonder if I ever will.
“Girl, if I could have a do over, I’d volunteer to lose mine to Jesse Carter.” Lissy sighs, a lustful look dancing over her face.
“The man is a whore,” I state the obvious but she just shrugs not phased by the truth.
“Means he’s well practiced.” She giggles and I just shake my head.
“Or he has an STD,” Kate walks in, giving her opinion.
“Thank you.” I throw my hands up knowing she would have my back.
“Please, a man like Carter would know about wrapping it up,” Lissy counters, not giving up her fight.
“Are we done?” I stand, not prepared to imagine Jesse wrapping his business. I need to keep my head straight tonight.
“Yes, come here. I need to do your hair,” Manda says, ready for me. I stand and walk back over.
“Regardless if you let him pop your cherry this is going to be so much fun.” Lissy stands to get dressed, while dread weaves its way into my mind. Fun is the last thing on my mind. I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. I just have to remember I’m doing this for Paige. Everything about this is for Paige.
* * *
We pull into the Knights Rebels’ compound an hour later. After forcing me to wear the stupid gold top and short black skirt, I decided it would be easier just to go with the flow, and get it over with. Agreeing with Lissy is often the best in these sorts of situations.
“He’s not going to recognize me,” I tell the quiet car, my fingernails digging into my palm.
“Oh, please, he will,” Manda assures me as we park.
“You’re going to be fine.” Kate reaches over and squeezes my hand. I don’t feel fine. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
“So what do I say again?” I ask as the girls all pile out. They’ve already gone over play-by-play what I need to say, but it’s not sticking.
“Let’s just find Sarah and she can show us around,” Lissy shakes her head knowing it’s not going to help. I just need to be thrown in. Then I will be fine. I nod, and start following her to the large steel door at the entrance. Two guys block our path, arms folded over their chest, eyes trained on us. Both stand taller as we approach.
“Hi, we’re here with Hunter’s woman tonight,” Lissy says, knowing what to say to get us in. The bigger, older guy nods and moves to let us pass. I ignore his eyes as they travel down my body and pray Lissy knows what she’s doing bringing us here. I’ve never been anywhere near men like this before, and the slight anxiety I feel of the unknown keeps me on edge.
“Thanks, boys.” She waves them off like she knows them, stepping into the clubhouse with ease. I take Kate’s hand, drawing strength from her and follow closely down a darkened hall. For a second, I seriously think about turning around and leaving, but leaving would mean walking past those men alone, so instead, I pull Kate forward, move closer to Manda and continue down the hall inside the clubhouse.
Before we came, Lissy schooled us on how we should act and what to do in certain situations. I’m surprised Manda and Kate still agreed to come after learning what we might see. But I think deep down, they want this for me as much as I do. I know coming here may be dangerous, but I have dealt with the Knights Rebels before, in the hospital, and each time I have met them they seem like nice people. But maybe they are different in their own environment.
“You made it.” Sarah, Lissy’s friend, spots us first when we turn the corner into a large open area. She’s sitting at the bar talking to a cute dark-haired man whose Rebels’ cut tells me he’s a member.
“We’re here,” Lissy says, accepting Sarah’s hug. I look around, while the girls all say hi, and notice the amount of people in tonight. I know Lissy said the Rebels like to party, I just didn’t expect it to be this type of party. Girls in barely-there clothes, less than what I’m wearing, hang off bikers, their fake laughs filling the air. An older guy sits on the sofa, a woman, on his lap, her hips riding against him in time with the music that blares above us.
“You look amazing, Bell,” Sarah finally greets me. We embrace, breaking my stare at the couple. “Hot damn, stay away from my man.” She laughs and turns back to the guy behind the bar. My eyes follow her lead and land on the dark-haired man. He’s busy filling drinks but still manages to take a moment to look back at Sarah. He lifts his chin up in greeting, then turns back to what he was doing.
“That’s Hunter. He’s mine.” She winks and I laugh awkwardly. That’s the last thing on my mind. I’m not here to find a man. Only to talk to Jesse. I think to myself.
