by Linda Kage
She opened her mouth but no words came out. When she closed her lips again, Jonah pressed his hand to his chest.
“I don’t know how to deal with this,” he confessed. “I don’t how to say sorry and have it actually make a difference. I’m so fucked up right now, my life is basically over, and the only friend I ever had is dead, killed by Einstein. Now everyone in America hates me and thinks I should be dead too. No way in hell do I want Tess involved in any of that. And you know she would be. You know her better than anyone. She’s so giving and big-hearted, if I apologized and managed to make up with her, she’d try to stand by me through all this. But it’d only drag her down too.”
“Well, fudge,” Bailey muttered. “I was all fired up to come in here and blast you a new one, tell you you had it all wrong, she didn’t lie to you to get any kind of revenge. She honest-to-God just wanted to help the poor amnesiac in room three-twelve feel like he wasn’t alone for one night. I was going to force you to talk to her.”
“And now you see why I can’t. I can’t let her back in.”
“Actually, Tess is a big girl and can decide with her own mind whether she thinks being with you is worth the risk. You should not get to make that decision for her.”
Jonah held his breath and waited for her to reveal what she was going to do about it. When she didn’t, he asked, “So…you’re going to tell her I didn’t really want her to go, then? You’re going to let her know I actually do care?”
“Jesus, no!” Bailey exploded. “Are you insane? You’re a fucked up mess, and everyone in America hates you and wants you dead. I’m not letting my best friend get within fifty miles of that.”
He blinked, utterly confused. “But you just said—”
“Hey, just because you’re wrong and shouldn’t make a decision like this for her doesn’t mean I don’t agree with you. You need to straighten your shit out before you go anywhere near my best friend again.”
His derisive laugh was harsh and bitter. “Yeah, if I could only figure out how to do that.”
Bailey sighed again, scowling hard. “If you look at it from Tess’s optimistic point of view, you’d see you can only go up from here. Right? So, stop whining over everything you lost. It’s gone. Life sucks, and you have to start over from scratch, blah, blah, blah. I get it. But Tess isn’t going to stop hurting until you fix yourself. So, find a way to get your act together, and then—only then—should you look up my girl again. Got it?”
That was not what he was expecting her to say at all. He’d been ready for her to warn him away from Tess forever. But to get a partial blessing from the best friend gave him a smidgeon of hope. “Why are you helping me?”
“Excuse me? Let’s get one thing clear. I’m not helping you.” She sent him a dirty look. “Why would I help you? I don’t even know you. And what I do know, I don’t like. To me, you’re just that douchebag who’s breaking my best friend’s heart. This is all for Tess. Only Tess. And she likes you. She can open up to you as she’s never opened up to any guy. I don’t know what she was smoking when she chose you, but she did. I’m just here to make you pull your head out of your idiot ass and get my friend the guy she chose.”
The crazy ball of hope in his chest that just wouldn’t die stirred from the depths where he was so sure it had shriveled up into nothing. It pounded through his heartbeat until he heard it thrumming through his ears. Suddenly, he had something left to live for.
Nodding solemnly at Tess’s unorthodox friend, he said, “I’ll see what I can do.”
Chapter Sixteen
A WEEK PASSED. And then another. Tess didn’t return to the hospital, not even for volunteer duty. Bailey called for them to say they wouldn’t be in for their Sunday shifts any longer.
The days dragged on, and classes resumed. Tess went to each course lecture, continuing her regular routine…without any contact with a certain lying, deceiving, heartless gunshot victim. And on the weekends, Bailey drove them back to their hometown as she did every Friday, where they spent Saturdays and Sundays with their families.
Though her two older twin brothers, Marc and Eddy, still lived at home with her father, Tess rarely saw them anymore. They each worked odd shifts at the power plant near their farmstead and were usually asleep when she was awake.
But she did spend mealtimes with her dad. He took care of the cattle and came in whenever she texted him that she had lunch ready. She wasn’t sure who cooked while she was away at school during the week, but it looked as if her father was gaining a little weight, so he must be finding food somewhere.
On the second weekend after everything fell apart with Jonah, her dad seated himself across from her at the family table in the kitchen, and they started a quiet meal together. He glanced over at her and finally noticed something was up with his only daughter because he frowned thoughtfully.
“You doing okay over there, little sparrow? Looking a little tired around the eyes this weekend.”
He’d called her little sparrow for as long as she could remember. Their special time together had always been bird watching and identifying each type by song and appearance. Since Tess had always been so shy growing up and sparrows were typically social birds, he’d once told her—so she’d stop worrying that she’d be a public misfit—that one day, she’d spread her wings and turn into a sparrow.
Thinking about the origin of that nickname and how Jonah had managed to pull out the sparrow in her, then remembering how it had all been a lie, she grew even more depressed.
“I’m fine,” she said, poking at the fake mashed potatoes she’d made from a box. At least the corn on the cob was real. A couple of Bailey’s brothers had picked it last summer and bagged it for Tess’s family to freeze. She lifted the corn and took a bite, but she realized she wasn’t very hungry.
“Ever decide on a major?” her father asked.
She sighed, even more depressed about that. She just couldn’t picture anything in her future. It looked like a miserable, gray blob. “No,” she mumbled.
“Well.” Her dad let out his own heart-felt sigh. “My shoulder’s been bothering me again. After lunch, do you think you could rub it like you always do? I swear, no one works out a knotted muscle kink like my little sparrow.”
She smiled softly. “Sure, Dad. I’d love to.”
He didn’t ask her any more about her troubles. He’d never been the type to push; he’d always let her go to him whenever she was ready to talk. But she didn’t know what to say about this. So, when Bailey drove up her lane to pick her up Sunday afternoon and return them to Granton, she simply hugged him goodbye and climbed into the passenger seat of Bailey’s car.
“Ready to return to hell?” Bailey asked.
“As I’ll ever be.” Tess pulled her seatbelt on and stared stonily out the front window. It only took five minutes of silence for her best friend to snap.
“Okay, enough of this. I’m sorry, all right? I’m sorry I love you and wanted to see you happy and protected and away from that asshole liar. He was and still is bad news. But I’m sorry it hurts you this way. I really am.”
With a sigh, Tess closed her eyes. “I don’t know why you’re apologizing. None of this was your fault. You’re the one who warned me away from him.”
Bailey bit her lip, not looking certain about that. Then she hesitantly asked, “So…we’re good?”
“Of course we’re good. Why would we not be good?”
Blowing out a relieved breath, Bailey nodded quickly and said, “No reason.” She began to talk then, about school and people around campus. About boring mundane things Tess listened to with only half an ear.
Inside, something was just…off. It was as if she was going through the motions of her life, but she wasn’t really living it. All through classes on Monday, she sat and wrote notes, outlining the major points all her teachers emphasized, but she didn’t really digest them.
When she walked down to supper with Bailey in the evenings, she heard the words her friend said and r
esponded accordingly, but she still had no clue what their conversations were about. And as she ate, she rarely tasted the food. She just chewed and swallowed, eating enough to keep anyone from questioning her appetite.
Her numbness was still afflicting her when they stepped out of Gibson Hall and another countless supper together on the third week after meeting and losing Jonah Abbott. They’d no sooner taken two steps back to their dorm, than Bailey screamed, “Cowboy!” and took off sprinting across campus.
Startled from her funk, Tess gaped after her until she caught a glimpse of a white cowboy hat in the distance. Seeing her best friend race straight toward it, she kicked herself into gear, and took off after them.
Five minutes later, she finally caught up to a cursing, scowling Bailey who was glancing in a circle all around her. “I can’t believe we lost him. I swear, if I hadn’t seen him with my own eyes, I’d say this guy was a freaking figment of my imagination. I mean, you saw him too, right?” When Tess nodded, she growled. “How the hell does he just vanish like that?”
Still breathing hard from her run, Tess gave her a sympathetic pat on the back. “He can’t escape us forever. Maybe we’ll catch him next time.”
Bailey didn’t seem to want to give up and wait for a next time, though. She wanted to find him now. “I didn’t even see which building he went into. Did you see?”
“No. Sorry.”
“It must’ve been Hanley or Overmore.”
“Or Echles,” Tess put in, not so helpfully. When Bailey scowled at her, she shrugged. “What? It was also close to where we lost him.”
“Damn it,” Bailey muttered under her breath. “I’m beginning to think meeting this guy is not meant to be.”
“Maybe he’s just not meant for you quite yet,” Tess said, thinking about Jonah, unable to stop wondering if they’d only met under different circumstances at a completely different time in their lives, would it have ended so awfully. Her throat went dry until it burned.
Damn him. When was she ever going to get over her stupid infatuation with a freaking liar?
“Hey, what’s going on over there?” At Bailey’s question, Tess followed the direction of her curious gaze until she saw an ambulance parked at the end of the block, right in front of their dorm building, where a crowd had gathering on the lawn around the main entrance.
“This can’t be good.” Grabbing Bailey’s hand, Tess held on for dear life. “I hope Paige is okay.”
“Paige?” Bailey sent her a brief incredulous glance. Tess shrugged because Paige was the first person, after Bailey, she’d worry about if something went wrong. And since Bailey was right here, her next worry went to Paige.
Face contorting into concern, Bailey took off running, dragging Tess along with her because they still had a death grip on each other’s hands.
“What’s going on?” Bailey demanded as soon as they reached the fringes of the crowd. Tess hopped up and down to see over all the people, but she barely caught a glimpse of half a dozen police officers barricading the front doors.
“They’re not letting us in,” someone answered. And then a murmured word whispered across the sea of people.
Suicide.
“Someone committed suicide?” Tess choked out. “In our building?”
She gaped at Bailey, who grimaced and patted her hand. “It might be something else.”
But the word swept by again, the rumor gaining volume.
“Who would commit suicide?” Bailey asked, sounding completely perplexed. “Hasn’t there already been enough death on this campus to last a lifetime?”
Tess let out a moan, one-third frustration and two-thirds pure fear. “Why does everything have to happen at our dormitory? Next year, we’re renting an apartment off campus. That’s all there is to it.”
“Shit. Here they come.” Bailey pulled Tess back as if to shield her from the view. But suddenly there were no more tall people standing in her way to block the entrance.
Two officers opened the door, and three EMTs rolled a gurney out into the bright day. A white sheet covered it, displaying the distinct outline of a body underneath.
“God.” Bailey winced as she kept her focus on the stretcher. “Why didn’t they put it in a body bag? It’s not like we can’t tell someone is dead under there.”
“Bailey,” Tess hissed in warning. “That dead body might have friends close by.”
“Does anyone know who it is?” More people asked, but no one had a clue. Until the EMTs hit a crack in the sidewalk, jostling the stretcher. A limp arm dropped off one side and half the crowd screamed out startled yelps. Tess was one of them.
Covering her mouth, she stared at the dangling limb, or rather at the colorful tattoo of the Roadrunner on its forearm. Nausea welled in her esophagus. “Bailey,” she choked out. “Oh, my God. It’s that one guy.”
“What one guy?”
“The one! The bully guy who was being harassed last month in front of the Ferdinand Hall. That’s his tattoo.”
“Oh, shit.” Bailey’s eyes were huge as she stared at the limp arm. “Damn,” she breathed turned back to Tess. “The guilt must’ve been too much for him to handle.”
Guilt? Tess blinked and stared back at Bailey as Logan’s words echoed through her head.
If he’s anything like I was, he’s pretty upset with himself right now. And remorseful, and scared, depressed. Guilty. I’m sure he’s full of a lot of uncomfortable emotions he doesn’t want to feel. And I bet he’s grasping for something to save him.
“No,” she whispered.
You have no idea how much your visits help me, Jonah had once told her.
He’d been looking for someone to save him from the pain and guilt. And she’d walked out of his life and left him alone and abandoned. So, what was to stop him from doing exactly as the Roadrunner had done?
“Oh, God, no.” She whirled around and took off, tearing toward the parking lot.
“Hey!” Bailey called after her. “Where’re you going? Tess!”
But Tess didn’t stop until she found Bailey’s car and realized it was locked. Panic was thwarting all her thinking skills. She should’ve already known it would be locked and the keys would be with her friend. She spun back to find said Bailey when she jogged up, holding her side and panting like crazy.
“Too. Much. Running.” She bent over and rested her hands on her knees as she sucked in oxygen.
“I need your keys. Now.”
“And where…do you think…you’re going?”
“Remember what you said to me the day that bully was harassed for picking on Einstein?” Yeah, Tess just said that name. But at the moment, she was too panicked to care about bad juju or anything else. Jonah’s life was in danger. “You said, ‘at least he wasn’t the head bully.’”
Bailey’s eyes widened.
Tess shivered and hugged myself. “What if Jonah hurts himself?” She may want to hate him for using her and taking liberties with her feelings and her body, but no matter how much she could wish for a thing, it didn’t automatically turn off her true feelings. And her true feelings didn’t want to see Jonah hurt.
Bailey straightened, held up a finger to ask for a second to catch her breath. “I’m driving.”
For once, Tess was glad her buddy drove like a madwoman. They made it to the hospital in record time. She didn’t even wait until Bailey had thrown the car into park. As soon as it came close enough to a stop, Tess threw open the door and leapt out. She ran all the way to the front entrance and took the stairs because waiting for the elevator was more than she could handle.
The door to his room was closed, but she pushed her way in and was nearly to his bed before she realized it was empty. Tess skidded to a halt and stared at the spot where she was used to seeing him. Why wasn’t he in his bed?
She was still frozen in the middle of his room, gaping at his stripped hospital mattress when a breathless Bailey blew into the room behind her. “Damn. I had no idea you could run so…Hey, where is
he?”
Tess shook her numb head. “I…I don’t know.” She turned to look at her friend, and seeing Bailey’s thoughts mirror her own worry made Tess freak. “Oh, God.”
“Excuse me, ladies.” A nurse poked her head into the open doorway of 312. “But this room had just been sterilized. I need you both to—”
“What happened to him?” Bailey asked, pointing toward the empty bed. “Where’s Jonah, the patient who was in this room?”
The nurse blinked as if she didn’t understand the question. Then she simply said, “He’s gone.”
Tess whimpered. Gone? When her knees gave out, Bailey lurched forward to catch her. The two clutched each other as a wide-eyed Tess whispered, “Gone?”
Bailey scowled over at the nurse while she propped Tess back onto her feet. “When you say gone, you mean…?”
Keeping up with the whole clueless expression she was perfecting, the nurse scratched her hair. “I mean gone, as in gone. He checked out this morning.”
Tess’s fingers gripped Bailey’s arm harder.
“And by checked out, you mean released, right?” Bailey pressed. “He was free to leave the grounds? Not that he…died or anything.”
“Why would he be dead?”
“Oh, my God, lady. It’s a hospital! People die here. And he was shot three freaking times. Why do you think we were worried he might be dead?”
“Well, you don’t have to get snippety with me, young lady. If you didn’t know where your friend was, you should’ve kept better track of him. Now please get out of this room. We’re already going to have to re-sterilize for the next patient because you two barged in.”
“Where did he go? What time did he leave?” Bailey asked as she gently took Tess’s arm and led her from the room. “Do you know how we can find him?”
Sending them both a bitter smile, the nurse said, “I don’t know, and if I did, I still couldn’t tell you.”
