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Willow started to say something and stopped. She gazed out at the shadowy street, her face tense. “Alex, this isn’t fair. He’s my friend. ”
“And I’m your boyfriend. Which is more important to you?”
She gave a short laugh, looking at him in disbelief. “You’re not seriously saying it’s him or me, are you? This is ridiculous!” She took his hand, held it tightly. “Please, please listen to me – I am in love with you. I love you more than anything in the world. I want to grow old with you. Seb is just my friend. ”
Her fingers felt warm in his. For a moment, all Alex wanted to do was hold her; then he pulled away. “Yeah, and you want him around when you’re old too. ”
“Not in the same way!”
“Yes, but you do, don’t you? You want him around too. ”
He watched her let out a long breath. “If he wants to be, yes,” she said finally. “I don’t want him to. . . to hang around when nothing else is going to happen between us, if that doesn’t make him happy. But if he wants to be with me—” She swiped the heel of her hand harshly across her eyes. “Look, you’re right; I do need him – he’s the only other half-angel I’ve ever met. I need to have someone in my life who understands what this is like. I felt so alone here, before. I—” She stopped, hugging herself.
Alex didn’t let himself feel the tenderness that washed over him; the urge to take her in his arms. “Yeah, except it’s not even just that he’s half-angel, is it?” he demanded. “It’s that he’s him. Look, I’m sorry you’ve felt alone; I do get that. But I can’t handle this. It used to be enough that it was just us, but if that’s not good enough for you any more—” He broke off.
“What?” she whispered.
Part of him couldn’t believe he was saying the words, but he was helpless to stop them. “Just choose. You can have your wonderful friendship, or you can have me. You can’t have both. ”
She didn’t move as she studied his face. “Is this really how much you trust me?” she said, her voice dull.
He felt like punching the door. “Oh, don’t even play that card! After everything you’ve just told me? You can’t stop thinking about him! You’re attracted to him – do you think I haven’t noticed?”
The anger was back in her eyes. “Maybe I am,” she said. “In the same way you’re attracted to Kara. ”
“What?” He stood staring at her. Where had that come from?
She gave him a level look. “Seb’s attractive. So’s Kara. You’d be blind not to notice Kara, and I’d be blind not to notice Seb. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust you around Kara – even if she wants more than friendship too. Or did you think I hadn’t noticed?”
His head felt like it might split in two at any moment. “Jesus, what is this – the best defence is a good offence? I have done nothing wrong here—”
“Neither. Have. I,” she gritted out. “I’m sorry you don’t trust me. I will do everything possible to make you see that you can trust me. But you are not going to tell me who my friends can be. ”
“Yeah, and what if you weren’t with me, what then?” he said, his voice low and fierce. “Would you still just want to be friends with him?”
She started to answer; stopped abruptly. “That’s. . . not a fair question. ”
Deep down he knew she was right, and that if the same question were posed to him about Kara, his reaction would have to be the same. It didn’t matter. “No, but you just answered it anyway,” he ground out. “Like I said: choose. I don’t want that guy in my life. ”
Willow’s chin snapped up; he saw again how furious she was. “No, I won’t choose – you’re being completely unfair. Seb’s the only other half-angel I know in the world; I’m not going to cut him out of my life just because you’re acting like a jealous jerk. ” As he stared at her, she let out a breath, pushing her hands through her hair. “God, look, I’m sorry – please can we forget all of this, and talk about it tomorrow? We’re both upset; we’re saying things we don’t mean. ”
There was a pause, with the sounds of the city thrumming around them like a living heartbeat. “No, I’m not,” said Alex finally. “I’m saying exactly what I mean. ” He opened the door to go back inside and glanced at her as she stood there, with the backdrop of the street behind her. She was so beautiful that it wrung his heart, even now.
“Enjoy your friendship with Seb, Willow,” he said quietly.
I DON’T REALLY KNOW HOW you can come back from an argument like that one.
I didn’t eat any dinner that night; there was no way I could have choked food down. Instead I went into the girls’ dorm and stayed there, lying on my bed and thinking, Have Alex and I just broken up? The words brought back with a chill my premonition from the first time I’d ever seen this house; the unhappiness I knew I’d find here.
God, I hated being psychic sometimes. I lay curled on the faded blue bedspread, listening to the traffic; the distant sound of rock music playing somewhere. And I wished that I’d never even met Seb. Then I sighed. No, I didn’t. I couldn’t wish that; I could never wish that.
Had Alex and I really broken up?
I kept coming back to that, like a scratched record. We couldn’t have, could we? Because he still loved me, I knew he did – and I loved him so completely that the thought of not being with him was like not having air to breathe. Surely he’d calm down by tomorrow and see how unfair he was being. Wouldn’t he? I’d go downstairs and his eyes would meet mine – I’d see the apology in them, and we’d slip off somewhere alone together and he’d hold me and say, I’m so sorry, of course I trust you, forget every word I said.
I stared at the ceiling with its uneven plaster, taking in the shadows cast by every lump and bump. It was a nice fantasy, but I had a feeling that’s all it was. I’d never seen Alex so angry. It wasn’t like I didn’t understand why. I knew I wouldn’t be thrilled if he’d told me that he and Kara shared a psychic bond. Understatement. The thought would probably gnaw at me day and night, and that’s with me being psychic and able to tell whether anything else was going on. Alex couldn’t do that – I could hardly blame him for being upset.
No. . . but I could blame him for not trusting me. For so obviously thinking I had a thing for Seb, and that it was only the fact he and I were together that was keeping me from disappearing off into the sunset with him.
Seb. I swallowed as I lay there. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was aware of how badly I wanted to psychically seek him out. He had to be aware that Alex and I had fought, and I knew how concerned he’d be; he’d want to know I was okay. Almost without realizing it, I started to reach out to him – and then stopped, my cheeks catching fire as I heard Alex say, So if you thought about Seb right now, in the shower. . . Oh, god. There was no way now I could ever feel comfortable again about what had seemed such a natural thing – something that, for all I knew, was a natural thing between half-angels; just an extension of our friendship. Feeling completely and miserably alone, I pressed my face against the pillow.
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