I have had several moments in the fifteen short years that I can remember where I have done exactly that. I stopped, I became still, and in doing so I made sure those moments were branded permanently in my mind so that no matter what may happen I would never forget them. Moments like the two occasions I have fallen in love. The first time to Rachael, traditional, sweet, and almost as far back as I can remember. Two people who were nervous and excited. Full of possibilities. That first kiss suspending me above myself. I didn’t know then, but that first kiss would eventually lead to another wonderful moment when Rachael told me I was going to be a dad. A box presented to me, inside being a positive pregnancy test, a card and baby grow. Tears that fell and warmed my cheeks. Her smile, unfiltered.
The biggest moment of all is reserved for the day my son was born, six years ago. Although it feels like six minutes. His tiny body helpless and defenceless. His beautiful little head that fitted perfectly in my palm as I carried him towards his mummy who lay on the operating table post-caesarean. His cry, his voice. As I carefully moved towards her, his eye found mine and changed everything I assumed I knew about myself.
But there is also the second time I fell in love, more recently, to my Katie. Our meeting and dating coming from a place that was wiser, but no less powerful.
I may have had more of these moments in the years before 2003. But I would never know. Mum prefers never to speak of the time before the accident; it’s not important, she tells me. I know that they’re memories that she doesn’t want to relive and I’m not interested in finding out about them, not when I have no way of remembering. She’s more focused on the man I am now – on rebuilding my life after what happened. She has spoken of my kindness though, my ability to love others and to jump into situations too quickly. Sometimes I will catch her staring into space and I just know she’s recalling another time, another me.
In some ways, me losing my past is harder for her, she has to mourn for the man I once was without mourning at all, and I knew, despite how much I wanted to know about the me before, that if I asked her outright, she might break her silence, spilling the bottled-up emotions she held on to for my benefit. Something I couldn’t do to her; she has been through enough. So I left it alone and focused on the now and the future. Which was Thomas and Katie.
From his bedroom I heard Thomas tell Katie what Santa had left him at Mummy’s house before, asking her to build a tower from the Lego my mum had bought him. His voice was followed by the crashing sound of hundreds of plastic blocks being poured onto his bedroom floor. It wasn’t the words spoken or the sounds of Katie and Thomas building that would form into a lasting memory, but the context.
The woman I loved and the boy who means more than anything else in the world to me had formed a relationship that didn’t need me to mediate. I wasn’t required for them to be able to play and talk. I wasn’t needed for them to be able to know and care for one another. And, with what I had planned for after New Year, Katie and Thomas caring for one another in such a way was essential.
Katie still thought I was asleep. I knew because she was speaking in her quiet whispery tones despite Thomas not lowering his voice at all. Truth was, I’d not really been asleep since just after 4 a.m. A dream, my dream, waking me early. The same one I had been having for over a year. The one of the accident that took away my memories and the life before.
Slipping out of bed I tiptoed towards Thomas’s room. As I stepped in, I allowed myself a moment to enjoy the sight of them sat next to each other, him leaning into her as they built some sort of tower that stood about eighteen inches tall. Katie saw me first as Thomas was concentrating on his building task, and she smiled, looking from me to Thomas before resting her chin on his head. Her eyes told me everything. She was happy that he let her be close, she was content. After just over a year, he was treating her like part of his family. She mouthed a good morning to me, and I mouthed it back before turning my attention to my fixated boy.
‘Morning, Thomas.’
He looked up at me, a smile spreading across his face.
‘Daddy, look at the robot Katie and me made.’
‘Wow, did you two really make this?’
‘Yep.’
‘All by yourselves?’
‘Yep.’
‘That’s amazing. You are both very clever.’
‘Well, Thomas did most of the building, I just helped where I could,’ Katie said, focusing on Thomas as she spoke.
‘Well then, I’m even more impressed. Bit of a clever one, aren’t you?’
‘Am I?’
‘Yes, look at your robot. I doubt there is anything you can’t do. Are you two hungry? Shall I make some breakfast?’
‘Not yet, Daddy.’
‘OK, no rush.’
‘What time are you meeting Will today?’ Katie asked, her smile shrinking, morphing into a tight one that she always held firmly in place when she was trying not to be worried about how I would feel after seeing my therapist.
‘Not till 2.30, so we can take our time this morning.’
‘Do you want me to come?’
‘No it’s OK. I’ll drop Thomas back at his mum’s earlier than usual this week.’
‘Daddy, can I stay up here and play a little longer? I want to build a racing car.’
‘Of course you can. Do you want me to help?’
‘No. I want Katie to.’
‘You want Katie to?’ I said looking once again to my girlfriend, not even trying to suppress my smile.
‘Right, I’ll leave you two to it. I’ll be downstairs, come down whenever you’re ready.’
Once downstairs I flicked on the kettle before sitting at my kitchen table. I quietly drank my coffee and looked into my garden as the lazy sun forced its way over the horizon and listened to them talk above my head. Thomas laughed, his infectious giggle making Katie laugh as well.
Not knowing my past is a huge part of my present, and the questions that remain unanswered about me will be ones I will carry for ever. But, listening to my son and my love playing in a bedroom above me, I let myself believe that the questions I had, scars I carried, wouldn’t be the future of me.
The future was now. The future was upstairs and everything about it was definitely real.
Dear Reader,
When I set out on this amazing journey of creating books, I couldn’t see how I could write even one. And yet, here we are, three books in.
Three. A hat-trick of novels. It still blows my mind.
And it’s all because of you!
The support shown for my journey has been overwhelming. Because my first two stories have been shared, talked about and reviewed, I’ve been able write this third from a place of real joy. I’m motivated to keep going, to keep telling stories, and to try to make the stories I tell more entertaining, more engaging.
As I’ve mentioned, Closer Than You Think has been the most fun I’ve had in writing. I set out to achieve a story about a woman who is a hero in her own life. A hero because of the courage she shows in going out of her front door. In doing so, I have fallen in love with the person Claire Moore is. I hope you have too.
If you liked Closer Than You Think, please feel free to leave a review or get in touch. I’d love to hear from you, and reviews really help us writers find new readers.
When I’m not sitting in front of my laptop, which isn’t often, you can find me on social channels: @darrensully. My wonderful publishers, HQ Digital and HQ Stories, are on Facebook and Twitter too. Follow them, they are doing incredible things in publishing.
Finally, I want to say that I am living my version of a dream come true, and there will never be enough words to show how grateful I am.
So, here’s to you, your passion and kindness. And here’s to many more adventures in writing.
You’re all bloody amazing.
Darren x
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this book – we hope you enjoyed it! If you did, we’d be so appreciative if you lef
t a review.
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