by Crane, M. L.
Despite the gloomy look of the slums that Alice lived in, the sky was clear blue perfection. The sun was bright and a few lazy clouds drifted by slowly. She spotted a couple of birds flying by, chasing and circling each other playfully. What she wouldn’t give to be able to fly away with them.
Alice closed her eyes and imagined herself in another world far, far away. A fantastic world where magic was real and beasts were friends. A place where nonsense made sense and every day was a tea party. Somewhere her father could never find her, and no one would ever hurt her again. It would be her sanctuary. Her haven. Her Wonderland.
Alice began to feel dizzy. Not the sort of dizziness that you can feel throughout your whole body and makes you faint. This dizziness was only in her mind. She felt as though her soul was falling asleep while her body remained wide awake.
Suddenly, Alice’s eyes flew up. She felt so strange, as though she were looking through someone else’s eyes.
Alice spun around to face Dinah.
Dinah had grown bored of playing with the tea bag string and had begun exploring the rest of the surface of the table. Alice clapped her hands gleefully, jumping up and down. She skipped over to the table and plopped down in the chair. She placed her elbows on the table, resting her chin in her hands, and observed Dinah with intense interest.
Alice extended her hand to the kitten and introduced herself.
“Hello, tiny fur-thing. My name is Maddock Hatcher. I am pleased to make your acquaintance!” Alice said, speaking with a flamboyant British accent.
Dinah pounced on Alice’s hand, clawing and nibbling at her fingers. Alice pulled her hand away quickly and scowled. “Well, I never! That is very rude, you know! Very rude indeed! You should never bite the hand that feeds you. That’s very important, you know. Unless, of course, it is covered in molasses.
“But, no matter! I know who you are, so we will pretend that you have properly introduced yourself.”
Alice scooped Dinah up into her hands and examined the kitten more closely. “Why, you’re no bigger than a dormouse! My, my. You are a funny looking creature, aren’t you? Stupid little thing. Oh, well. That’s not your fault, you know. Let’s have some tea, shall we!”
Alice set Dinah back down on the kitchen table and offered the kitten her cup of tea. The kitten seemed uninterested and began to walk away.
“Hm. It appears that the funny little creature does not know how to drink tea. The poor, stupid thing. It shall never know the pleasures of warm tea running down its throat unless I assist it!”
Alice picked up Dinah and dipped her nose into the tea. The kitten began sneezing and struggled in Alice’s hands, trying to back away from the cup.
Alice’s jaw dropped. She pressed a hand against her chest, shocked and insulted by the kitten’s reaction. Alice slapped her hand down hard on the table, startling the kitten and making it hiss out of fright.
“That simply will not do, you know!” Alice exclaimed.
Alice clutched Dinah firmly with both hands so that she could not get away. She shook the kitten and yelled angrily in its face. “It is very rude to refuse tea when someone has offered it to you! It’s very, very rude!”
Alice plunged Dinah head first into the tea cup. The poor helpless kitten struggled desperately in Alice’s grip. It clawed at Alice’s hands, drawing blood with its small razor sharp talons, but Alice seemed unfazed by the kitten’s fight for its life. Bubbles rose to the surface of the tea while the kitten tried unsuccessfully to draw air into its drowning lungs. Within moments, the kitten went limp.
Alice beamed with pride. “There! Now, see! Tea is quite lovely, isn’t it?”
Alice pulled Dinah from the tea and set her down on the table. The kitten lay there motionless. Its beautiful aqua blue eyes were vacant, its body was lifeless, and its mouth was gapped open with its effort to draw one last breath.
Alice poked the kitten, trying to rouse it. She clucked her tongue and shook her head. “Oh, my. It seems that the little fur-thing has completely exhausted itself after making such a fuss. You really are a stupid little creature, you know.”
Alice got up and went back to the window to look outside. All of the children that were at the playground had gone home. It looked like a deserted apocalyptic scene.
Alice turned and looked at the dead kitten laying on the kitchen table. Amber liquid dribbling out of its mouth and nose.
“It’s a shame, really. But you should never trust anyone who doesn’t like tea, you know.”
CHAPTER
TWENTY-EIGHT
“I didn’t mean to kill her. It was an accident,” Alice said, feeling ashamed.
“I know dear, I know. Just like I also know that you didn’t mean to kill your mother either. You must remember Alice, that it wasn’t really you that did these things. Your alters did.”
Alice shook her head. “No. That is not an excuse. They are me. I created them. I did these terrible things, and I won’t put the blame them for what I’ve done.”
“Well, I am very proud of you, Alice. Taking responsibility for your actions is a tremendously brave thing to do.”
Dr. Pelletier rose from his chair and stood behind Alice, grasping the handles of the wheelchair. “Would you like to take a short break?”
Alice was looking into the mirror, and staring back at her was Maddock. He was smiling and waving goodbye to Alice with one hand, while in the other he held something close to his chest. Alice was filled with relief and joy when she realized that it was Dinah. The kitten was curled up fast asleep, purring contentedly against Maddock’s warm heart. And then, just like before with Whitney, Alice could feel Maddock fade away.
“Alice? What are you seeing?” Dr. Pelletier asked.
“Nothing. I just…it’s nothing. Yeah, I’d like to take a break, please.”
~~~~~
Dr. Pelletier wheeled Alice out into the hallway. It was brightly lit with not a single flickering bulb. The perfect white tiles were polished to their usual mirrored shine. None of them were broken, and they were definitely not black and white checkerboard like Alice had originally thought. The air smelled clean and sanitized. Not at all the musky, moldy aroma that Alice thought she had smelled. It was strange for Alice, looking up and down the hallway. It was all so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
Dr. Pelletier pushed Alice down the hallway slowly, telling her how proud he was of the progress she was making. How brave she was for facing these horrible memories. And how sorry he was for having to put her through all of it. But Alice barely heard a word that he was saying. She was lost in thought.
Alice wondered to herself where Whitney and Maddock went. They were gone, but yet, she could still sense them. They were so very far away. She could still hear them and feel them, but just ever so faintly. Like an echo that had long since passed, but its vibrations still lingered in the air. Wherever they were, they were finally happy. She could feel it.
“Nurse Allen!” Dr. Pelletier exclaimed.
Alice had been so preoccupied with her thoughts about Whitney and Maddock, that she hadn’t noticed Nurse Allen walking towards them.
“Lorina, I was going to take Alice outside for some fresh air, but perhaps you’d like to do it? I believe the two of you have a lot to talk about.”
“I’d love to. Alice, is that all right with you?”
Alice shrugged her shoulders. “Sure, I guess so.” She craned her head back, trying to look at Dr. Pelletier. “Dr. Pelletier?”
“Yes, Alice?”
“Can I have these restraints taken off now?”
Dr. Pelletier and Nurse Allen exchanged looks as though they were discussing it telepathically. Alice saw Nurse Allen nod her head and smile.
“All right, dear. But I am trusting you to behave. If at any time you get out of hand, you will be placed back in the restraints and brought to your room. I do not want to be forced to have you sedated again. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand,” Alice said, e
ager to move her hands freely.
Nurse Allen bent over and removed Alice’s restraints.
Alice rubbed her wrists and stretched her arms above her head. Her back popped and she groaned with satisfaction. She felt like a caged animal that had finally been released.
“Thank you so much,” Alice said gratefully. She looked down at her wrists and saw that were red and bruised from struggling against them.
“All right, let’s go buttercup. We need to grab a couple of jackets if we’re going outside. It’s a bit nippy out today.”
“Lorina, If you need me, I’ll be in my office. I have some work I need to tend to. Please see to it that you bring Alice back to the meeting room in one hour. Enjoy the fresh air ladies.” Dr. Pelletier passed Alice’s wheelchair over to Nurse Allen and headed towards his office.
After Nurse Allen had gotten their jackets and a blanket for Alice’s lap, they headed towards the main entrance of the building. They went past a receptionist’s desk where a woman in her late fifties with a severe face, was busily clacking away on her computer.
“Hey, Janet. I’m just gonna take Alice out for some fresh air,” Nurse Allen said to the receptionist.
“Um, excuse me? I don’t think so. I’m sorry, but you can’t take her out that way. Why aren’t you taking her out back to the patient’s playground?” Janet scolded.
Nurse Allen stopped just in front of the sliding glass doors. They slid open, waiting for her to exit. “Oh, look! The doors aren’t broken, so it appears that I can take her out this way. Weird, huh?”
Janet stood from her chair, shaking a finger at Nurse Allen. “Lorina, you know the rules! You can’t just take patients out the front door because you feel like it! That patient needs to go out the back.”
“Calm your tits, Janet. I just want her to see what the building looks like.”
Alice silently enjoyed the battle, whipping her head back and forth as though she were watching a tennis match.
“Well, I’m sure that the patient saw it when she was brought here. I highly doubt she needs a reminder,” Janet said sarcastically.
“Yup, she saw it. But not through these eyes,” Nurse Allen said, winking at Alice. Alice couldn’t help herself. She smiled back at her sister.
“I’m sorry, Nurse Allen. But I cannot allow you to take this patient out that door,” Janet said in a huff, pointing at the automatic doors.
“Well, Janet. Tough shit. And you can stop calling her “The Patient” because it’s rude. Her name is Alice, and she’s my sister. And I am taking my sister out that door,” Nurse Allen said, pointing at the automatic doors, mocking Janet. “If you’ve got an issue with it, call Dr. Pelletier and take it up with him. He’s in his office right now. Peace out Mrs. Crabby Pants.” With that, Nurse Allen stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry at Janet like a child, and marched Alice out the door.
Janet harrumphed and immediately picked up the phone.
“You’re going to get yourself into trouble,” Alice said to Nurse Allen.
“Pfft, nope. I’m Dr. Pelletier’s favorite. Janet’s gonna call him up, he’s gonna get pissed off for being interrupted, and I’m gonna get away with shit I’m not supposed to do. Like usual.”
Alice giggled.
Only days prior, Alice had been enraged when she discovered that Nurse Allen was her sister. She had felt betrayed. But at that moment, she found that the rage had passed.
Alice had missed Nurse Allen’s goofy personality that made her laugh. She had missed hearing Nurse Allen’s loud bellowing laughter and all of her sarcastic remarks. And she had missed looking into Nurse Allen’s large amber eyes while they chatted over a cup of tea in the cafeteria.
Alice’s heart filled with a warmth she had never known. She wasn’t alone anymore. She had a sister. A sister who truly loved her.
When they stepped outside, the chill in the air caught Alice by surprise. The air was crisp and cool. A gust of wind picked up a pile of leaves from the ground and sent them spinning and swirling through the air. The leaves on the trees had turned vibrant shades of orange, yellow, and red. It was stunning, but Alice was very confused.
“Wait. It’s fall?” Alice asked.
“Yeah, it’s October. Why?”
“Well, it’s just…” Alice began but stopped herself. She remembered what Dr. Pelletier had said about her imaginary world. Her beach house wasn’t real.
“It’s just, what?” Nurse Allen asked.
“M-my beach house. It was summer time,” Alice muttered, feeling like a fool.
“Beach house? Oooh. Um, yeah. I guess that’s my fault. When you first got here, you just kept staring at the wall, and you looked so sad. So, I thought maybe if I hung something nice up for you to look at, you’d be happy. I found a really pretty ad in a magazine about beach houses and taped it to the wall. I thought you’d like it.”
“I loved it,” Alice said, more to herself rather than to Nurse Allen.
The beach house may not have been real, but Nurse Allen had given Alice something she didn’t even realize she needed. She gave her a sanctuary.
Alice thought fondly of her beach house and wondered if she would ever be able to go back there again. Then she thought of Rose, and her heart ached.
“What about Rose?”
“Who?”
“Rose. She was my girlfriend. We lived together at the beach house. She was really sick, and then…and then…”
“Oh,” Lorina said somberly. “I’m so sorry, Alice. I wanted to add a bit of life to your room, so I brought you a rose from my garden. I forgot to keep adding water to the vase. It must have dried out. I didn’t know. I’m really, really sorry.”
“No. Don’t be sorry. She was wonderful.” Alice closed her eyes and hung her head. Her heart was broken.
Nurse Allen pushed Alice in silence, allowing her sister a moment to mourn the loss of a lover she never really had.
When they reached the parking lot, Nurse Allen turned Alice’s wheelchair around so that she could face the building.
“Ta da!” Nurse Allen exclaimed, eager to lighten the mood. “So, what do you think? Does it look the same as when you arrived or is it totally different from what you imagined?”
Alice lifted her head and opened her eyes. Her vision was blurred with tears, so she wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and looked again. It was not at all the Lutwidge Mental Health Institute that she was familiar with.
It was a two-story, red brick building, that was incredibly dull. It was not at all the ornate Gothic-style structure, with broken clock tower, that she had first seen. This building was box shaped with a flat top roof. There was nothing flattering, nor special, about it in any way. There were no broken bricks with moss growing in the cracks. Nor was there any ivy growing up the sides of it. Nothing but a couple of plain shrubs along the front.
Alice couldn’t believe her eyes. She realized that every single moment since her arrival at the Institute had been nothing but a lie. A lie of epic proportions that her own mind had concocted.
“It’s. So. Boring,” Alice teased.
“Awe, come on. It’s not that bad. I think it’s kinda cute!”
“Trust me. If you could have seen the building that I saw, you would be agreeing with me right now.”
Nurse Allen chuckled and then fell quiet. She came around to Alice’s side and sat down on the pavement with her legs crossed. She looked up at Alice with her large amber eyes, begging her for forgiveness without even uttering a single word.
“I don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Alice said.
Nurse Allen shrugged. “I wouldn’t blame you even if you did.” She paused, picking up a few pebbles and throwing them across the parking lot. She looked back at Alice and said, “I’m so sorry, Alice. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you can understand now, why Dr. Pelletier made me keep my mouth shut. He was worried that if I told you who I was right away, it could have made things even worse.”
; “It’s fine, really. I get it now. I just wish…I wish I had known about you years ago, you know? My entire life, I’ve felt so alone and unwanted. And this whole time, you were right there. A big sister. My big sister. I could have had someone to share secrets and clothes with. Someone I could have gone to when I needed advice or a shoulder to cry on. Someone who could have protected me and prevented…” Alice stopped and looked away.
“Someone who could have prevented the abuse,” Nurse Allen finished.
“No. Someone who could have prevented me from going completely insane.”
They both laughed until laughter turned into tears.
Nurse Allen got up and kneeled in front of Alice, hugging her. They held onto each other and cried for all of the years they had lost. They cried for all of the childhood memories that failed to exist, and for the sisterly bond that they were robbed of.
“I’m so sorry, Alice,” Nurse Allen sobbed. “I tried so hard to see you, but your mother refused to let me be a part of your life. After she had died, I thought that maybe I’d finally be able to see you. But dad stopped coming to see me. I kept calling him and fought with him so many times to let me see you. That son of a bitch even put a restraining order on me to make damn sure that it wouldn’t happen. That’s when I knew he was hiding something. I tried getting the authorities involved, but no one could help me. I even contacted Social Services, but they couldn’t investigate just based on my hunch. I kept dreaming of the day that you would turn eighteen. Because once you were of legal age, there wouldn’t have been anything he could do to stop me from seeing you. But then you…” her voice trailed off.
