by Aristophanes
TEREUS: You mean you’re looking for a town
greater than Athens.
PEISETAIRUS: Greater? No,
just better for us.
TEREUS: So it’s aristocracy you seek?
PEISETAIRUS: Not at all, Aristocrates disgusts me.467
TEREUS: Well, then, what kind of city would you really like?
PEISETAIRUS: One where my worst fear would be
a friend arriving at my house at dawn
announcing that: “In the name of Olympian Zeus, make sure
that you and your brats are washed and in your best
tomorrow on the dot and at my door.
I’m preparing a wedding feast, so don’t disappoint me;
or I’ll not let you cry on my shoulder next time I’m feeling down.”
TEREUS: My word, you do expect the worst!
[to EUELPIDES] And what about you?
EUELPIDES: Me, too.
TEREUS: Which is?
EUELPIDES: A city where I run into the papa
of a ripe and lovely boy at his best,
and the papa exclaims: “Hey, a fine one you are!
You bump into my son coming from the gym
all rosy from his bath and you don’t kiss him,
go into a huddle, and hug him or cuddle his balls,
and you call yourself a family friend!”
TEREUS: Unhappy man, what miseries you court!
However, there is a town that I think you’ll find
the congenial spot you want.
It’s on the shores of the Red Sea.
EUELPIDES: Oh no, not near the sea—not for him and me—
not anyplace where some fine day Salaminia, the galley,468
hoves into port with a writ. . . .
Haven’t you got a Greek city?
TEREUS: Well, there’s Lepreus in Elis. Why not go and settle there?
EUELPIDES: Heaven help us! Lepreus stinks, sight unseen. It’s got Melanthius in it.469
TEREUS: Then how about Opuntius in Locris?470 That would suit you fine.
EUELPIDES: Not me. I wouldn’t be Opuntian
for a whole talent of gold.
PEISETAIRUS: Let’s get back to life with the birds. You know all about it.
TEREUS: It’s quite nice, actually, and the great thing is,
there’s no need—of a purse.
EUELPIDES: Which immediately gets rid
of life’s greatest curse.
TEREUS: We have picnics in the gardens, of blanched sesame seed,
myrtle berries, poppy seeds, and mint.
EUELPIDES: Wow! The life of honeymooners!
PEISETAIRUS: [to EUELPIDES] Lordy me, what bliss I see
in the empire of birds. . . . Take my advice:
for you it’s absolutely meant.
TEREUS: What advice, pray, do you suggest?
PEISETAIRUS: What advice? Well, to begin with,
stop fluttering around every which way with open beaks—
the silliest of bloomers.
For instance, if we at home saw one of these flying geeks
and asked: “Who’s the flit wit?”
the reply from Teleas471 would be: “The fellow’s a bird—
never stays put, is unbalanced, volatile, and absurd.”
TEREUS: Right on! By Dionysus! But what can we do about it?
PEISETAIRUS: Found a single bird town.
TEREUS: But how could we ever found a town of birds?
PEISETAIRUS: Really, what a scatterbrained remark!
Look down.
TEREUS: I’m looking.
PEISETAIRUS: Now look up.
TEREUS: I’m looking.
PEISETAIRUS: Swivel your head backwards and forwards.
TEREUS: A capital way to dislocate my neck!
PEISETAIRUS: Did you see anything?
TEREUS: The clouds and the sky.
PEISETAIRUS: Well, isn’t that where the birds will stop?
TEREUS: In what way?
PEISETAIRUS: Their own personal spot, you might say,
at present merely a stopping or stepping-off place
where everything’s in a whirl, so it’s called a world,
but as soon as you settle it and make it solid
it will be a city-state, and you’ll reign over mortals
as you do over bugs. . . . As for the gods,
you’ll starve them out, like the unfortunate
natives of Melos.472
TEREUS: How?
PEISETAIRUS: Because in between them and us is air. Right?
And just as we have to ask for visas from the Boeotians473
when we want to visit Delphi, so will humans
when they sacrifice to the gods have to get visas
from you for the savory smell of fried bacon
to reach heaven.
TEREUS: Hear! Hear! Yes, yes! By every trap and net
and snare of earth and cloud, I’ve never heard
a prettier trick; so let
me join you in establishing this city,
if the other birds agree.
PEISETAIRUS: Who will tell them of the plan?
TEREUS: You. And they’ll understand.
I’ve been with them for an age
and they’re not the oafs they were
before I taught them language.
PEISETAIRUS: How will you summon them here?
TEREUS: With ease . . . In a trice I’ll disappear
into the copse and wake up my nightingale,
and we’ll send out a joint call.
The moment they hear us they’ll come on the double.
PEISETAIRUS: Most beloved of birds, get moving, I beg,
and enter the copse at once
to wake up the nightingale.
[TEREUS steps into the copse.]
TEREUS: Up with you, songster. No longer lag
In the depths of slumber. Open the throttle
Of sanctified song from your divine
Bill and lament the loss of your child
Itys, and mine, in the flood and the trickle
Of melody from your quavering throat.
[From somewhere in the woods, the notes of a flute accompany the nightingale’s answer.]
Up through the viridescent tresses of bryony
The limpid trills of the melody float
To Zeus’s abode, where Apollo the lovely,
With his tresses of gold, resides and hearkens
To your lament, and on his ivory
Lyre strums a vibrant response
Inspiring the gods to a sorrowful dance
Till the fullest divine harmony beckons.
EUELPIDES: Zeus, King, how that bird’s song
has turned the whole copse into a honey glen!
PEISETAIRUS: Hey, there!
EUELPIDES: Can’t you keep quiet?
PEISETAIRUS: The Hoopoe’s going to sing again.
EUELPIDES: What for?
TEREUS:474 Epop-pop-poie, epop-popoie-popoie
Yo yo ito ito ito . . .
Come hither, come hither, birds of a feather:
All you whose terrain over the rural
Acres beneath you is fertile in grain,
And you dippily flying seed-eating finches
Joyously crying, and rook and seagull
noisily following the upturning trenches
Happily happily tio-tit-tio-tio-tio-tio.
All you who guzzle deep in the gardens
Among ivy-hung branches,
And you who feed on arbutus and olive
In the wild hills,
Wing your way quickly, come to my calls.
Trioto trioto totobrix.
And you who are in the flats and the marshes
Teeming with greedily biting gnats,
All you who inhabit the swampy places,
And that bird that’s all freckles:
The godwit, the godwit.475
And you various tribes that fly with t
he halcyon476
Over the rolling boom of the ocean
Come quickly and listen to what’s going on.
Here we are mustering in all our variety
Of long-necked birds;
For here there has come a venerable sage
Full of ideas,
Full of new ways.
Come along all of you to our purlieu of words:
Hither hither hither hither
Toro-toro-toro-torotix
kikkabau kikkabau
Toro-toro-toro-lililix.
PEISETAIRUS: See a bird anywhere?
EUELPIDES: Not a feather,
though I’ve kept my eyeballs skinned on the sky.
PEISETAIRUS: So the hoopoe hoopooing in the copse
is as hopeless as the curlew crying in the swamps.
[As TEREUS emerges from the copse a FLAMINGO appears.]
TEREUS: Torotix torotix.
EUELPIDES: You may be right, pal, but look over there:
a bird.
PEISETAIRUS: It’s a bird, yes, but what?
A peacock? No way!
EUELPIDES: Our host will surely say
what kind of bird is here.
TEREUS: It’s not the kind of bird mankind is used to. It comes from the marsh.
EUELPIDES: My word! What a flaming pink!
TEREUS: Flaming, yes, that’s why “flamingo” is its name.
EUELPIDES: Hey, look!
PEISETAIRUS: At what?
EUELPIDES: Another bird has come.
[A PHEASANT struts into view uttering its raucous call.]
PEISETAIRUS: You are right,
and with a flamboyance nothing can match.
Who the hell is this stunning bird?
Is he from the highlands? A mantic crooner?
TEREUS: He’s called Pheasant and he’s from Persia.477
EUELPIDES: Heaven help us! From Persia indeed!
Did he come by flight and not by camel?
[HOOPOE appears.]
PEISETAIRUS: Here’s another bird. This one’s crested.
EUELPIDES: What, another hoopoe? So Tereus is not so unusual.
TEREUS: This is the son of Philades’ hoopoe and I’m his granddad:
just as Hipponicus is the son of Callias
and Callias’ grandson is the son of Hipponicus.478
PEISETAIRUS: So this bird is a Callias, although he’s molting.
TEREUS: Well, yes, being noble and rich he gets plucked
by the cheats and plucked by the womenfolk.
[The bird GULPER appears.]
EUELPIDES: Holy Poseidon! This bird’s a really flashing bloke.
What’s his name, I wonder!
TEREUS: Him? He’s Gulper.
PEISETAIRUS: So Cleonymus is not the only gulper.479
EUELPIDES: If this were Cleonymus, he would have chucked
away his crests and gone bolting.
PEISETAIRUS: Why do many of these birds wear crests?
Are they parading?
TEREUS: Not a bit of it. Like the natives of Caria,480
for the sake of safety, they build the nests on crests.
[At this point the twenty-four members of the bird CHORUS begin to come in. At first in ones and twos and then in a rush. Each bird is distinguished by a different costume.]
PEISETAIRUS: Holy Poseidon, just take a look! What a plethora of birds is in the area!
EUELPIDES: Whoopee! Lord Apollo! What a flock! Such a cloud, you can’t see the scenery anymore.
PEISETAIRUS: There’s a partridge.
EUELPIDES: And there’s a godwit.
PEISETAIRUS: And there’s a wigeon.
EUELPIDES: And there’s a halcyon.
PEISETAIRUS: And behind her, what?
EUELPIDES: That one? A razorbill.
PEISETAIRUS: You mean, there’s a barber bird?
EUELPIDES: Isn’t Sporgilus that?481
Look, there’s an owl.
PEISETAIRUS: An owl brought to Athens? How absurd!482
EUELPIDES: Jay, turtledove, cuckoo, little owl,
Redcap, bunting, kestrel, seagull,
Robin, wood pigeon, redshank, lark,
Reed warbler, vulture, dove, hawk,
Woodpecker, lammergeier.483
PEISETAIRUS: Whoopie! What a lot! Whoopie! Every sort of pecker: how they chirp and skip about! How they screech each other out! Hey, but this is getting scary. They’ve got their peckers open as if ready, and they’re glaring at us, you and me.
EUELPIDES: I think so as well.
CHORUS: Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop! Oh from where did I hear a call? Where is he perched?
TEREUS: I am the one, and readily
at the disposal of my friends.
CHORUS: Tit-tit-tit-tit-tit! Oh tell me
what message for me have you fetched?
I am your friend.
TEREUS: One that affects us all,
our safety and our rights . . . is sweet as well.
Two gentlemen are here to see me—
most sagacious men.
CHORUS: Where? Why? Which? What?
TEREUS: Two venerable men, I tell
you, are here from the world of man.
They come proposing a most auspicious plan.
LEADER: O monster of mistakes! It beats
the worst since I was fledged.
TEREUS: Don’t fly off the handle because of what I said!
LEADER: What! When you’ve knocked me down with a feather?
TEREUS: All I did
was welcome a couple of men in love with our world of birds.
LEADER: You actually welcomed them, did you?
TEREUS: I actually did, and I’m glad.
LEADER: So they’re somewhere here among us? TEREUS: As sure as I’m among you.
STROPHE
CHORUS: Alas! Alas!
Outrageous it is that we’re betrayed:
Betrayed by a friend who shared our fare
In the meadows where we used to feed,
Breaking our primal laws and flouting
Our every birdly undertaking.
He’s tripped us up in a serpentine snare.
He’s tossed us into the mass
Of an unprincipled race
That right from the beginning
Has harassed us with war.
LEADER: Very well, when it comes to him
we’ll settle with him later,
but that couple of dotards, I think we’ll do it now
and pull them limb from limb.
PEISETAIRUS: So that’s the end of us!
EUELPIDES: Oh yes, we’re in a mess, you blighter,
and you are to blame.
Why ever did you drag me here from the back of beyond?
PEISETAIRUS: As a companion.
EUELPIDES: As a lachrymose dummy, in my opinion.
PEISETAIRUS: An odd proposition—
crying with your eyes pecked out.
ANTISTROPHE
CHORUS: Tallyho!
Onwards, attack in a broadside, muster,
Strike in every direction, slaughter:
Bamboozle them with your smothering flight;
Make this couple of hooligans shout
And offer them up to my greedy beak.
Nowhere is there a shadowy peak
Nor cloud of sufficient height
Nor heavy fathoms of sea
That will save these two
Once I set to pursue.
LEADER: Cut any further twaddle and get pecking and plucking—
on the double.
EUELPIDES: That’s the end, then. Where can this goner flee?
PEISETAIRUS: Stay where you are.
EUELPIDES: So I can be torn asunder?
PEISETAIRUS: Well, where do you propose to fly?
EUELPIDES: I haven’t an idea.
PEISETAIRUS: Allow me to tell you:
Grab one of those frying pans and fight like thunder.
EUELPIDES: What’s the use of a f
rying pan?
PEISETAIRUS: We can ward off the owls with it.
EUELPIDES: What! With their talons and claws?
PEISETAIRUS: Get hold of a skewer
and hold it in front of you, if you can.
EUELPIDES: But what about our eyes?
PEISETAIRUS: Use a cup or saucer and fit it.
EUELPIDES: You absolute genius of a military commander, why, you surpass even General Nicias.484
LEADER: Onwards and at ’em with fixed beaks
and no hanging back.
Pull ’em, punch ’em, pluck ’em, flense ’em,
knock out the frying pan.
TEREUS: Stop it, I say, you soddingest
of stupid creatures:
Out to slay and dismember
two men who haven’t hurt you;
Relatives of my wife and
members of my clan.
LEADER: I see, we have to be kinder
to these two men
Than to wolves, when there’s nobody
we should fight
More readily than them.
TEREUS: They’re natural enemies, maybe,
but here’s a thought:
They’ve come here only to give you
admirable advice.
LEADER: What possible advice
could such men
Come here to offer when
they’re enemies
Of ours since ancestral times?
TEREUS: Even from enemies much can be learned
by the intelligent,
More in fact than from our friends.
For example,
It was from enemies that we learned
to build ample
Walls and ships of war to defend
our homes and children,
And our property.
LEADER: Well, I suppose it’s expedient
to hear them out.
A prudent person after all
can pick up something
Even from an enemy.
PEISETAIRUS: It seems their anger is abating,
slowly fall
Back step by step.
TEREUS: Surely it’s right action, too,
and surely you
Could not do better than to butter me up!
LEADER: We’ve never opposed you in the past at least.
EUELPIDES: It looks as though at last they’re asking for
