by Aristophanes
to wangle themselves a Chorus,756
after they’ve pissed all over Tragedy, they’re never heard of again.
Meanwhile, you can hunt for a poet of consequence,
someone capable of a memorable line,
and you won’t find a single one.
HERACLES: A poet of consequence?
DIONYSUS: Yes, consequence in that he can invent
a striking phrase, like “Ether, the bedroom of Zeus,”
or “the footstep of Time,” or “a heart that won’t
go along with what the tongue is willing to swear.”757
HERACLES: You like such piffle?
DIONYSUS: I’m crazy about it.
HERACLES: You know as well as I do it’s pure baloney.
DIONYSUS: “My mind is my own care. Mind your own affair.”
HERACLES: No, seriously, it’s utter twaddle.
DIONYSUS: Stick to teaching me how to be greedy.758
XANTHIAS: But about me—not a syllable.
DIONYSUS: [The remark is again ignored.]
Now the reason for the outfit I wear,
copying yours, is that I’m going to have to confront Cerberus,759
like you did, and I need a few tips.
Also, do you have any good contacts down there?
And I’d like to know about ports, towns, brothels, bakeries,
restrooms, roads, where to get a drink, landladies,
and lodgings with the fewest creepy crawlies.
XANTHIAS: But what about me? Not a word!
HERACLES: Don’t tell me you’ve the nerve to go there, too, you
poor kid?
DIONYSUS: Never mind that. Just tell me how to get there:
the quickest route down to Hades.
And I don’t want one that’s too muggy or too chilly.
HERACLES: Well now, let me see . . . Hmm . . . What should I
recommend first?
There’s one past the Rope and Gallows where you could hang out.
DIONYSUS: And strangle . . . Not that!
HERACLES: Then there’s a shortcut paved by suicides.
DIONYSUS: Hemlock addicts?
HERACLES: I’m afraid so!
DIONYSUS: That’s too upsetting. I can feel the chill:
turns shanks into blocks of ice.
HERACLES: You might prefer a speedier route—all downhill.
DIONYSUS: Not so nice if you don’t freewheel.
HERACLES: Oh! . . . But you could take a stroll
through the potteries.
DIONYSUS: What for?
HERACLES: To climb the tower there, the high one.
DIONYSUS: Then what?
HERACLES: Watch the torch race start,
and at the words “Ready, set, go” you go, too.
DIONYSUS: Where?
HERACLES: Down.
DIONYSUS: I’d rather not. . . . It would be a waste of brain.
HERACLES: So how will you go?
DIONYSUS: The same way you went.
HERACLES: A long trip by water. First you come to a huge lake—quite bottomless.
DIONYSUS: How do I get across?
HERACLES: You’ll be ferried across by an ancient tar
in a tiny bark the size of this—no bigger.
Two obols is the fare.
DIONYSUS: My goodness, obols everywhere! How did these two get down there?
HERACLES: Brought there by Theseus.760 After that, you come to an arena horribly alive with snakes and beasts—really beastly!
DIONYSUS: Don’t try to scare me off. You won’t succeed.
HERACLES: You’ll run into a mass of mud and a river of excreta
in which you’ll see quite a lot of people flounder:
those who wronged a stranger,
those who screwed a comely lad out of his fee or lashed out at his
mother,
or socked his father in the jaw,
or anyone who was a perjurer
or copied out a speech by Morsimus.761
DIONYSUS: And you should put on the list, too,
anyone who has learned that stupid war dance by Cinesias.762
HERACLES: Then the soft airs of the flute will breathe about you
and sunbeams play as beautiful as ours
amid myrtle groves where happy bands
of men and women throng to the sound of clapping hands.
DIONYSUS: And who are they?
HERACLES: The Mystery novices.
XANTHIAS: And I’m the damn donkey toting mysteries,
but I’ve had enough. I’m not going to play.
[He dumps the baggage off his back.]
HERACLES: [ignoring him] They’ll tell you all you need to know. In fact they live on the way you have to go right outside the entrance to Pluto’s house. So goodbye, brother, and best of luck!
[HERACLES goes into the house.]
DIONYSUS: [calling after him] And to you, too. [to XANTHIAS] Pick up that luggage, you louse.
XANTHIAS: Just a tick . . . I’ve just put it down.
DIONYSUS: Just make it quick.
XANTHIAS: Have a heart, boss. Hire someone else.
[He sees a procession of mourners carrying corpses.]
Why not one of those?
They’re heading in the same direction.
DIONYSUS: Not so easy to get hold of one.
XANTHIAS: Very well, take me.
DIONYSUS: I will.
[A cortege passes with a CORPSE laid out on a bier.]
DIONYSUS: Look, here comes a body being taken away.
[He approaches the bier.]
Hey you, corpse, I mean. . . . Say, stiff,
how’d you like to cart some bags to Hades?
CORPSE: [sitting up] How many?
DIONYSUS: This lot—see?
CORPSE: Three drachmas, I’d say.
DIONYSUS: Far too much.
CORPSE: Bearers, move on.
DIONYSUS: Wait a minute, corpsy. I’m sure we can reach
a sum within reason.
CORPSE: Two drachmas down, or go to blazes.
DIONYSUS: Here’s one and a half.
CORPSE: I’d sooner come to life.
[CORPSE flops back on the bier and is carried away.]
XANTHIAS: Bloody cheek, the creep! Good riddance! I’ll do it.
DIONYSUS: Good of you—real nice! Let’s proceed to the skiff.
[They move on, and in the distance, CHARON is visible handling his boat. They walk towards him and can just hear him.]
CHARON: Whoa there! Make her secure.
DIONYSUS: [gazing into the horizon] What’s over there?
XANTHIAS: A lake, boss.
DIONYSUS: Yes, of course. It’s the lake he told us of, and there’s the dinghy.
XANTHIAS: Holy Poseidon, and there’s Charon.
DIONYSUS: [drawing up to him] How do you do, Charon?
XANTHIAS: Hi there, Charon.
DIONYSUS AND XANTHIAS: [together, shouting] Charon, good day to
you.
CHARON: [ignoring them] Anybody for Amnesia or Peacehaven? Anybody for the Savannahs of Oblivion? Step this way if you want to see the famous painting of Oeneus763 down there plaiting ropes for ’is donkey, or the spot where ’eracles grappled with Cerberus.
DIONYSUS: I do.
CHARON: Come along then, on board.
DIONYSUS: Where to?
CHARON: ’ell.
DIONYSUS: Good Lord!
CHARON: On board if you want to. For you, it’s special.
DIONYSUS: [to XANTHIAS] On board, kid.
CHARON: I’m not taking ’im. No slaves unless they fought at Arginusae.764
XANTHIAS: Would have, but had eye trouble.
CHARON: Yer’ll ’ave ter go round the lake, m’boy, and on the double.
XANTHIAS: Where shall I meet you then?
CHARON: By Rotting Rock and the Rest in Peace ’otel.
DIONYSUS: Got it?
XANTHIAS: Sure do, worse luck! Ever
since leaving the house it’s not been my day.
[XANTHIAS meanders off into the shadows.]
CHARON: [as DIONYSUS gets into the boat] Sit ’ere by the oar. ’urry up. Any more for the trip? ’ey, you, what yer doing?
DIONYSUS: What me? Just what you told me to:
sitting by the oar.
CHARON: Not on the oar, fat’ead, ’ere.
DIONYSUS: Fine.
CHARON: Now open yer ’ands and stretch out yer arms.
DIONYSUS: Done.
CHARON: Not like that, dummy. Brace yer feet against the board and row like ’ell.
DIONYSUS: All very well,
but what do you expect? I’m no sailor.
I’m from terra firma. I’m not a rower.
CHARON: ’ain’t nothing to it. And once yer start rowing,
yer’ll ’ear beautiful singing.
DIONYSUS: Singing?
CHARON: Yeah, frog swansongs—real spellbinding.
[As the boat begins to move off, the FROG CHORUS is heard from afar.]
DIONYSUS: Why, it’s in time with my rowing!
CHARON: Yeah: in . . . out . . . in . . . out . . . in . . . out.
[The FROG CHORUS has now entered. They follow the boat leaping and pretending to swim.]
CHORUS: Brekekekex koax koax Brekekekex koax koax Of lake and stream we are the brats And this is the music we chatter that’s In tune with the fifes. It is our song. It’s a beautiful koax koax. We sang it once for Zeus’ son Dionysus in the bogs
On the Festival of the Fen.765
That was when
Revelers rollicked home befogged
Through the precincts of our shrine.
Brekekekex koax koax.
DIONYSUS: My poor bottom’s getting worn. Koax to you, koax koax.
FROGS: Brekekekax koax koax.
DIONYSUS: For you people of course it lacks Any importance—koax koax.
FROGS: Brekekekax koax koax.
DIONYSUS: Damn you and your ceaseless croaks! All you amount to is koax.
FROGS: As you say, you fussy old man. Meanwhile we’re loved by the lyre-playing Muses And cherished by reed-piping, goat-footed Pan. And the harp of Apollo also seduces Us in thanks for the reeds that we coax To grow in the lake, and these he uses To wrap round his lyre. Brekekekex Koax koax.
DIONYSUS: And I’ve got blisters on my arse. My bottom’s bleeding till it soaks. Don’t be surprised if up it pokes, Uttering this sodding curse.
FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax!
DIONYSUS: I’ll thank you melody-making frogs to stop it.
FROGS: Not a bit of it. We’re all set
To rasp out our lungs when the sun shines
And we frolic and leap in the sedgy reeds
Drowning the water with our songs.
Or on the days when Zeus’s rain
Is pattering down and we are sheltering
Under the water, we are spattering Our musical jewels deep in the wet.
DIONYSUS AND FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax.
DIONYSUS: I’ve caught the disease from you.
FROGS: Not a good idea.
DIONYSUS: Not as bad as what This rowing’s doing to my rear.
FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax.
DIONYSUS: Koax away, I don’t care.
FROGS: Have no fear, We’ll koax all day Until we blow Our lungs asunder.
DIONYSUS AND FROGS: Brekekekex koax koax.
DIONYSUS: You’re not going to beat me in this.
FROGS: And you’ll never never beat us.
DIONYSUS: You’ll never never beat me
And if necessary
I’ll brekekekex all day.
Brekekekex koax koax.
[The FROGS retire.]
DIONYSUS: I knew I’d outkoax you out of the way.
CHARON: [bringing his boat alongside the jetty as he and DIONYSUS arrive
in the port of Hades]
Whoa there! Have a care. Use your oar. . . .
Now give me the fare.
DIONYSUS: Two obols, here you are. Xanthias, where’s Xanthias? Xan . . . thi . . . as!
XANTHIAS: [calling from the shadows] Yoho . . . o!
DIONYSUS: I’m over here.
XANTHIAS: [appearing and looking a little distraught] Gee, boss!
DIONYSUS: How did it go?
XANTHIAS: Blackness and mire.
DIONYSUS: But did you catch a glimpse
of those hooligans and perjurers he warned us of?
XANTHIAS: No, did you?
DIONYSUS: [looking straight at the audience] I certainly did,
and I can see them right now.
What’s the best thing to do?
XANTHIAS: The best thing, guv? Beat it from here. This is the haunt of those monsters he told us of.
DIONYSUS: He’ll be sorry he did.
He is trying to fool us, the fraud, and make me afraid.
He knows how fierce I am and he’s jealous.
He’s very touchy is Heracles about his prowess.
I’d give anything to run into a dragon or something right now
and stamp a real triumph on this enterprise.
XANTHIAS: [smirking] So you would, boss. . . . Hey, what’s that noise?
DIONYSUS: [nervously] Where? Where?
XANTHIAS: Right behind you.
DIONYSUS: Get in front of me.
XANTHIAS: No, it’s in front.
DIONYSUS: Get behind me.
XANTHIAS: Oh, brother, what a monster!
DIONYSUS: What s-sort of monster?
XANTHIAS: Horrible. It changes all the time . . . a cow . . . no, a
mule.
Now it’s a girl—quite beautiful!
DIONYSUS: Where? I’ll affront her.
XANTHIAS: Wait a minute! She’s no girl. She’s a bitch.
DIONYSUS: [shaking] Must be Em . . . p-p-pusa.766
XANTHIAS: Her whole face blazes like a beacon.
DIONYSUS: Is one of her legs copper?
XANTHIAS: It is, by Poseidon! The other one cow dung, I reckon.
DIONYSUS: W-where can I f-fly to?
XANTHIAS: Me, too.
DIONYSUS: [turning to the priest of DIONYSUS in the audience, who was
always honored with a front seat]
Rescue me, reverend sir, so I can come to your celebrations after.767
XANTHIAS: Lord Heracles, we’re dished.768
DIONYSUS: Don’t use that name, boy. Don’t call me that.
XANTHIAS: Well then, Dionysus.
DIONYSUS: That’s even worse.
XANTHIAS: [pretending to see something] You there, Empusa, go and get pissed! Come over here, boss.
DIONYSUS: What is it?
XANTHIAS: Cheer up! Everything’ll be all right
and we can pronounce with Hegelochus:
“After the storm I can see the tom.”769
Empusa’s hopped it.
DIONYSUS: Are you sure?
XANTHIAS: Zeus be my witness.
DIONYSUS: Swear it.
XANTHIAS: I do, by Zeus!
DIONYSUS: Once more.
XANTHIAS: By Zeus, on my heart!
DIONYSUS: You know, she made me go quite white.
XANTHIAS: [pointing at the priest] And him there, flaming red. In
empathy of course.770
DIONYSUS: I wonder where these provocations come from,
which of the gods is to blame: Ether, Zeus’ bedroom,
or the Footsteps of Time?
XANTHIAS: Shh.
DIONYSUS: What now?
XANTHIAS: That sound?
DIONYSUS: What sound?
XANTHIAS: Flutes.
DIONYSUS: You’re right. [sniffing] And I can smell a hint of mystical torches in the air. Let’s listen and crouch down here.
CHORUS: [ from afar] Iacchus! O Iacchus!771
XANTHIAS: I know what it is, guv:
the Mystery novices he told us of.
They’re gamboling away happily somewhere near.
&n
bsp; Listen, they’re chanting that hymn by Diagoras.772
DIONYSUS: I think you’re right. Mum’s the word until we’re sure.
[The men and women of the CHORUS of novices enter. They are raggedly dressed and carry torches.]
STROPHE
MEN: O Iacchus, wonderful one in your stately hall, Iacchus, Iacchus! Come to this meadow, enjoy our flutter. Come with your pious followers, all Who have crowned your forehead with a vigorous coil Of exuberant myrtle as they pepper The earth with a stimulant step Wildly ebullient Worshipping merrily, In the way the Graces themselves made hip, For these our novices pure and reverent.
XANTHIAS: O wonderful daughter of Demeter,773
what a scrumptious whiff of pork is in the air!
DIONYSUS: If you’ll just keep your muzzle shut
you might just get some sausage meat.
ANTISTROPHE
WOMEN: Light the flares and flourish them in your hands. Iacchus, Iacchus, Dazzling star of our ritual night. Look, the meadow—it’s on fire
And knobby old knees frisk about
Of men oblivious of care
And the long leviathan of years
As they adore.
Let the flames and the light
Usher our dances of the young
Through the floodlit meads, O blessed one.
[The dancing goes on for a while until the smell of cooking entices everyone to take their places for the feast. The two LEADERS then give advice to the novices.]
MEN’S LEADER: To make it explicit we’re singling out
for dismissal the following,
Who’ll not take part in any of our dancing:
those who ignore
Our jurisdiction or go in for
downright obscenity,
Or who have never been present
at the ritual dances
Of the excellent Muses, nor
ever been introduced
To the Bacchic rites so admirably
described by Cratinus,774
Or are hoping to see this reduced
