Chapter 6
April 1902
Mobile, Alabama
“Are you going to tell Mr. Rockford that you are married?” Joseph asked timidly.
“Joseph we discussed this last night.” Who does he think he is? Does he not listen? Victoria squeezed her eyes shut, blew out a ragged breath, counted to three, and then continued. “I will tell him what I feel I can tell him at this time. You know I did not share everything with you. I am not at peace about it. Please stop asking.”
“Fine, I just wanted to know so I do not say anything in front of him that you are not ready for him to hear.”
Victoria picked up her pace and walked ahead of Joseph. They were walking home just as they did when they first arrived. This time Victoria's shoes were comfortable. Joseph had a point about what she should share since they all lived in the same house. It would be best to share the same information with Mr. Rockford. That way, they would not have to keep secrets from each other. When the time was right, she would tell them the rest of it.
Joseph was hoping Victoria would share more with Mr. Rockford because it would leave the possibility of walking in on a conversation just like at his parents. It certainly helped matters. No telling how long it would have taken her to share that she was still married not a widow. At first he was delighted because it meant she could not marry him not that she did not want to. He spent a lot of time thinking about it on the way home and now he was full of doubt. Would she decide to just leave him if they were to marry? What was she running away from when they met? She had left her husband over a year ago. There was currently no record of a divorce. What was he going to do? He still loved her. That had not changed.
“I expected you to be more talkative on our walk home.”
“I am sorry, Victoria. I was thinking.”
“Would you like to share?”
“No.”
With Joseph's short reply, Victoria picked up her pace again. The rest of the walk was done in silence. About the halfway mark, Victoria slowed her pace to match Joseph's and took his arm. The ground was a bit uneven and the last thing she wanted was to trip and fall. She would need to find the courage soon to tell Joseph about her daughter. He was already becoming distant, causing her to doubt that he understood why she left her husband. At times she was uncertain as to why, but knew she had to. Pastor Mary helped her to see that God had forgiven her and that it was best not to seek out her husband in person just to satisfy the guilt she felt from what she had done. A letter indicating that she was safe and to wish him well was what Pastor Mary recommended if there was to be any contact. Part of her wanted to see him, to beg for his forgiveness, since no matter what she did he always forgave her. There was no guarantee if she wrote that he would write back. Besides, it was likely he had already forgiven her without her even asking and moved on with his life. Her mind continued to hash out the what if's as they made their way home.
“Victoria, before we go inside I would like you to know we are still friends.”
“Only friends?” Victoria asked softly.
“Things are different now. You are still married. There is still the chance you will go back to your husband. We cannot have the relationship we had. It was wrong for me to be so close, to hold your hand. I do love you, Victoria. It was wrong of me to ask you to leave your husband to marry me. Will you forgive me?”
“There is nothing to forgive, Joseph. I know I did not explain much before we left. I am still working up the courage. I am thankful for what you said. I will tell you everything. Just give me time.”
“What are you afraid of Victoria?”
“You leaving.”
“Have I given you any reason to think I would leave? I am the one that has to be concerned about you leaving.”
“That was not nice Joseph. I told you from the start I could not marry you.”
Joseph refrained from a terse reply. This was not the time for an argument.
“We should get inside. I am sure Mr. Rockford is expecting us.”
“Fine. But we are not done talking.”
Joseph picked up the bags that had been placed by the door earlier. They had asked the driver to leave them so as not to bother Mr. Rockford. Mr. Rockford was waiting for them in the parlor with fresh coffee and a plate of sliced meats, cheese, and bread.
Victoria quickly sat down next to Uncle Rock and gave him a hug. Joseph was more reserved. He was very happy to see Mr. Rockford, more so than seeing his parents and it bothered him. He needed to have a long talk with Mr. Rockford. He did not know if he could continue to live in the same house as Victoria.
“I see you are happy to be home.”
“I am delighted to be home, Uncle Rock. Did you miss us?”
Uncle Rock paused before replying. He did not know why Victoria had been running away, but he was thankful to have her in his life now. “I missed both of you. The house was not the same.”
“You just missed my cooking.” Victoria did not want to give herself hope that he was fond of her.
“A little.”
“Only a little. I thought you loved my cooking.” Victoria's face showed shock. He certainly made sure he cleaned his plate every meal. How could he miss her cooking only a little?
With a loving, warm smile, Uncle Rock replied. “I do. After two days of fixing my own meals again, I hired a new cook.”
Victoria stood quickly. She was outraged that Uncle Rock would replace her so quickly. Before she could run from the room, Joseph was by her side.
“Victoria, please sit. I am certain Uncle Rock is not asking you to leave.”
“He is correct, Victoria. Please sit. I do not want you going anywhere. You are like a daughter to me.”
Victoria plopped down on the sofa and Joseph remained standing nearby wanting to be close in case she needed him. It was the least he could do if he was planning to move out. He needed to be here for her now.
“You wanted to be more than just a cook and a maid. I want you to be more involved with the home. One day I would like you to take over my responsibilities.”
Victoria did not know what to say. Uncle Rock wanted her. However, would he still want her after he learned the truth?
“I see I have left you speechless.”
“I am not worthy. You do not know the things I have done.”
“They do not matter. You have confessed your sins to God and work daily to be who God wants you to be. The past does not matter.”
“But it does Mr. Rockford. The past is still part of Victoria's present.”
“Victoria what is Joseph talking about? I have never seen you two so distant.”
“I am married, Uncle Rock,” Victoria stated softly as she looked down. She was not able to look at Uncle Rock when she responded in fear of seeing his disappointment on his face.
“I thought you were a widow. I do not understand.”
Victoria stood and pushed her way past Joseph. He was not going to hold her here. She needed time to think. The secret was destroying everything. Lord, please give me courage and strength to tell them both everything.
“Joseph what do you know about this? I know you have some idea about what is going on.”
“I do not know much more than what she just stated. She said she left her husband, that it was her fault, and nothing Lawrence did. There is more that she wants to tell us, but she indicated she was not ready. I know she needs help facing the secrets that are haunting her, but I cannot stay here any longer.” Joseph was still standing next to the sofa with hands clenched at his sides.
“I have to say I am disappointed. I thought you loved Victoria and would forgive her.”
“I do love her and forgive her. I am afraid that I may do something dishonorable. I want to be with her as my wife in every way. What if she does the same thing to me and leaves? I can imagine how Lawrence felt. He is still waiting for her to return. It has been over a year and he is still waiting. They are still married.” A mixture of anger, sad
ness and fear flowed through his words.
“You must think I am heartless.” Victoria had entered the room unaware. She was not in her room, but a minute or two when she felt she should return. It was time to stop running. Joseph just stared at her with tears in his eyes. He did not know what to think. Heartless was the last thing he thought of when he thought of Victoria.
“It is OK Joseph. You can be mad at me. I understand why you are afraid I will leave, but please do not leave on my account. It is my sin. If anyone should leave, it should be me.”
“No Victoria. I do not believe that is the answer.”
Mr. Rockford escorted Victoria from the doorway to the sofa. If it took all night, they would work this out.
“What do you think is the answer, Uncle Rock?”
“You need to do what you have been doing except the holding hands, hugs and innocent kisses. You both need to learn more about each other and yourselves. You need to let God take control.”
“I do not think I can do this.”
“What, Joseph. You cannot stand to look at me.”
“Far from it. I want to be with you. All of you.” Joseph stated boldly looking directly into Victoria's eyes.
Victoria blushed bright red. No one had been so bold as to tell her they wanted her in that way. She understood his longing since she wanted to be with him too; however, she was not going to make the same mistake twice. When the warmth of her cheeks faded, she spoke.
“Joseph please try to stay. I will keep my distance. I will tell you everything. I will understand if you want me to leave after you hear what I have done. I will be OK. Mrs. Johnson said I could move in with her and find work in town. I will not be running. I will not be able to stay if you do not want me here.”
“Victoria please just tell us and give us time to pray. I am sure we can work things out,” stated Joseph.
“OK. I married Lawrence shortly after my father died. We had been seeing each other for about a month. We traveled north right away. I just could not stay there. My father was gone. My world revolved around him. I do love my mother. I was just closer to my father.”
“I am sure your mother understood.” Uncle Rock softly replied.
“I do not think she did. She allowed the marriage, but was not happy about it. She said I needed time to grieve before starting a life of my own. I accused her of just wanting me to be there to work in the boarding house and that she was not looking out for me. I was sad and angry. Only Lawrence was able to make me smile and bring me comfort. I needed him. He went along with whatever I asked of him.”
“Then why did you leave?” asked Uncle Rock.
“Things were OK at first. We stayed a few nights in each town as we traveled north. We decided to settle in Sunder. That is when things changed for me.”
“Was he mean to you?”
“Not at all. He loved me, but I realized I did not love him. I started to feel overwhelmed. My grief became more intense.” Victoria started looking towards the hallway.
“Why was that?” Mr. Rockford was hoping to keep her talking and share everything with them that night.
“He started to remind me of my father.”
“Why was that a bad thing?”
“I did not want to be around anything or anyone that reminded me of him. Pastor Mary says I was in denial. I felt better when there was nothing of my fathers around. I do not know why I was so moody and tired once we settled. Prior to that, I was doing very well.”
“When did you leave Lawrence?”
“Right after Christmas. He had been so kind and generous. He decorated the house with homemade decorations to make me feel more at home.”
“Did you feel more at home?”
“Yes, that was the problem. I was not at home. I could never go home. It would just not have been the same with my father gone.”
“What did you do after you left?”
“I took a transport boat to the next town. I did not want to spend too much money. I had no idea what I was going to do. I just knew that leaving was my only option at the time.”
“Did you find work right away?”
“I did not have to.”
“How did you provide for yourself?”
“When I went to the closest hotel to the docks, I met a man in his forties. He was very charming and offered me a place to stay.”
“I am assuming you took his offer?”
“Yes, I did. Same as I did with your offer only I was unfaithful.” Shame showed in her eyes, but at the moment there were no tears.
Mr. Rockford handed Victoria a fresh cup of coffee and smiled. “I am sorry your moment of weakness has caused you such pain. It may help if you explain the circumstances. We may be able to help you find peace.”
“I do not remember being unfaithful.”
“Then why do you believe you were?”
“I had a child.”
Victoria looked down as a tear ran down her cheek. Surely they would want her to leave now. She was a sinner. Joseph's face showed a moment of shock before schooling his features.
“Victoria, I would like us to talk about why you do not remember.”
“Why does it matter? I had to be.”
“What happen that night?”
It was several minutes before Victoria had the courage to continue. She kept her eyes focused on her cup of coffee and slowly drained the cup. Setting the cup down, she continued.
“It was my first night. Samuel was kind. We had wine with our meal. I have no idea how much I drank. It was my first experience drinking wine. The next morning I woke up alone in his bed. My clothes had been changed and my traveling dress draped on a nearby chair.”
“Did you ever talk about it?”
“He wanted to. I was too ashamed. He allowed me to stay until I could find a job and manage on my own. Then I found out I was pregnant and he allowed me to stay until after the baby was born.”
“When was the baby born?”
“August.”
“When in August?”
“August first!”
“Was the baby, OK?”
“Of course. Gloria was such a big healthy girl. Slept well,” replied Victoria with a bit of longing in her voice that she did not expect.
“Victoria, when did you leave your husband?”
“I told you. Right after Christmas.”
“Victoria, do you know how long a woman is normally pregnant?”
“Of course, nine months. My mother explained all of that to me.”
“Then Samuel cannot be the father unless Gloria was born early.”
“What are you saying Uncle Rock?” Victoria paled. Could the child be Lawrence's? Is it possible she did not have an affair? Samuel kept insisting the maid helped her into her nightdress. Did she give up her marriage and daughter for nothing?
“Uncle Rock is Lawrence the father of my child?”
“I believe so, Victoria. Where is your daughter?”
“I left her with my mother.”
“What did your mother say?”
“I do not know. I left a note. The boat captain offered to bring her down into the cabin to stay warm. I put a note in her bag and placed it by the door. My mother would have seen the note when she opened the door.”
“What did you do after that?”
“I got off the boat as quickly as I could and took the first train out of there. I was so ashamed of what I had done. I had no way of taking care of myself. At the time, I felt I could not go back to Lawrence. I thought I gave birth to another man's child. I know my mother would take good care of her.”
“What do you plan to do now?” asked Joseph
“I do not know. Should I go find them?” Victoria was overwhelmed with the discovering and started to look frantic.
“Only you can answer that question, Victoria. You need to pray about this and seek God's guidance. You will be disrupting your daughter's life if you seek her out and then leave again. You have to be sure.”
“That is a good idea. I will come get you when it is time to eat.”
“Thank you Uncle Rock.”
Victoria left the room in deep thought. She had a big decision to make. Falling in love with Joseph was not what she planned when she left, especially since she never felt that strongly about Lawrence. Even though she did not bond with Gloria and still did not feel ready to be a mother, she still wondered if she should seek her out. It truly bothered her not bonding with her child and not longing to be with her.
Upon entering her room, the tears that had been pooling in her eyes began to fall. She was sad and happy at the same time. It was a relief that her secret was out. Joseph would help her decide. If Joseph still wanted to be with her, she would stay. Victoria changed into her nightdress and climbed into bed. She had missed the soft, worn sheets with the blue flowers. The pillow had just the right height to cradle her head. After a night’s rest she would feel better. Maybe she was already dreaming. What happened to her carefree life before her father passed away?
/ / /
“Mr. Rockford will Victoria be OK?”
“She will in time. You will need to give her time and distance yourself. She has to make the decision to stay without us interfering. The weather is much nicer. I think it would be best if you camp out at the construction site.”
“How long do I need to stay away?”
“As long as Victoria needs to decide. We will see you on Sunday for services.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Not if you wish to continue working for me.”
“I will go pack the rest of my things so I can leave first thing in the morning.”
“It will be best if you leave tonight.”
He had to decide if he still wanted to be with such a woman. Thee without sin cast the first stone. I know Lord, but I do not know what to do. The construction will keep him busy. Joseph entered his room and smiled briefly. It was definitely more his, then his room at his parents, but now he had to leave. He hoped Mr. Rockford would not change anything while he was gone.
Joseph decided to walk along side his horse since the horse was carrying a heavy load of supplies out to the job site. He was not expecting to have to live out here this soon. The comforts of living in Mr. Rockford's house would be missed. Roughing it for the next several weeks would give him time to think about what he was doing with his life and if Victoria was to be an intimate part of it. How could she have given up her child? There had to be a reason. Victoria is such a loving person. It is possible she gave up the child because she thought she had been unfaithful. Regardless, he had to see if he could move forward and not stress over her past. He certainly did not want to risk being left and never knowing his child. Lord, I pray this is all part of your plan and that you have reunited Gloria with her father.
Joseph found a suitable spot to set up the tent. Knowing he would not have time to build a fire to cook a meal, he packed two sandwiches and an apple for his dinner. As he was erecting the tent, he reflected back to when he was a teenager and his father stressed the importance of surviving during hard times. His father reminded him that no one ever knows when hard times will come and to always be prepared. Every season they camped out on the land for at least a week to hone their skills. He would write to his father that night to thank him.
Sitting on the ground inside the tent, Joseph mentally thought through what and where everything would go in his new home. Over the next two weeks in his spare time he would build the needed furniture, starting with a small table and chair. For now, he had to be content with sleeping on the floor. With the letter to his father complete, he rolled out his bedroll and placed the small pillow in its proper place. After saying grace, he ate his plain, but fulfilling meal and went to bed.
/ / /
“Uncle Rock, I have not seen Joseph this morning. Did he go to the job site earlier than usual? I thought he would be eating with us this morning.”
Uncle Rock placed his coffee cup down, but did not reply.
“Uncle Rock are you OK?”
“I am fine Victoria. I told Joseph last night that he was to move to the job site. I informed him we would see him on Sundays.”
Victoria sat down in a nearby chair. She did not know what to think. Was he going to send her away too?”
“You did not have to send him away. I told you I would leave. Why are you punishing him? I am the sinner.”
Victoria closed her eyes, dropped her head and placed her hands over her eyes. This is why she had not said anything. They think differently of her. Not that she blamed them for their reaction since she still did not know why she did any of it. Now that everyone new, maybe a talk with the doctor would provide some insight. A flicker of hope touched her heart. She looked back up at Uncle Rock.
“Victoria. I am not punishing him. I want you to stay. I need you to learn the business. I certainly was not going to ask you to go live on the job site.”
A small laugh escaped her lips. She certainly could not image such a thing. She was too spoiled with the modern ways of life.
“I do not understand you Uncle Rock. If you want me to learn the business than I will have to work with Joseph.”
“Yes, you will be working with him. You will not be living in the same house with him. I will be with you whenever you need to meet with Joseph.”
“So you do not trust me. I should have known. Why do you think it took so long to tell you?”
Victoria stood and walked to the stove. She needed a bit of space. She was thankful the cook had the morning off. She was certain Uncle Rock planned it that way to allow her time to adjust. She would meet Miss Jenny Walldon on Monday since tomorrow was Sunday. He insisted she not work on Sundays.
“Actually, Victoria, it did not take that long, only a few months. You could have tormented yourself for years with the secret.”
“I guess you are right, Uncle Rock.”
Mr. Rockford interrupted her before she could say anything else. “Victoria, please have a seat. I will fix us some bacon and eggs for breakfast. You have the day to yourself to do what you want. We will see Joseph tomorrow at church. I do trust you Victoria. However, you are a married woman and it is best for Joseph to keep his distance. You have to decide what you are going to do about your marriage and your child. There cannot be any outside influences. I do not want your feelings for Joseph to make you decide to do something you will later regret. It would not be fair to you or Joseph.”
“Very well Uncle Rock. I will stay for now. I cannot promise for how long.”
“I know you now have options Victoria. Do not do anything without thinking it through and praying for God's guidance.”
“I promise Uncle Rock. I will not leave in the middle of the night. You have my word.”
Victoria's Family Page 5
