by Vesper Young
In the evening, the lights were dim, the warm glow catching the reflective garland I’d wrapped around the apartment. Ryan danced around with me while we made gingersnaps and snickerdoodles. The Charlie Brown holiday special played while they baked.
Watching the Charlie Brown special made me think of Lucas. It did every year. What had once been my tradition alone had become, like so many other things, intricately connected to my memories of him.
Most years I wrapped up that sadness, waiting for it to dull. The ache was too sharp to ignore this year. It had been barely a week since he’d found out about Ryan. I’d worked a few nights since then. When I worked, he didn’t speak to me. He didn’t come by the bar. He barely left his office at all. Aside from the first night when he’d told me he wanted to meet Ryan and walked away, he avoided any and all contact with me. It was obvious enough that Amelia had eloquently asked, “Who kicked his pet rock?”
I hadn’t quite been able to laugh at that.
Ryan pressed against me, playing his new game during commercial breaks. I dunked a snickerdoodle in my hot cocoa, another act that made me think of Lucas. Not the old, familiar memories, but the new one from when we’d gone ice skating. When I’d started to believe again that maybe there was something real between us, something I could hold on it.
I leaned over Ryan, peering at the bright lights of his screen while I held him close. There was something real between us. And even if my silence had ended that one pathway, as painful as it was to think of, he’d always be between us.
If Lucas wanted to be in Ryan’s life, even if we weren’t together, we had to be able to talk to each other. I reached for my phone and tapped out a message, slowly, as if it might explode if I hit the screen too carelessly.
Merry Christmas.
I pressed send, then fired off a second message before I could think twice about it.
Thinking of going to the Natural History Museum tomorrow with Ryan. Do you want to come?
His response came seconds later.
Yes.
21. Lucas
I’d spent Christmas with my parents, the same as I had every year. It was exactly what I expected, what I could count on. Fireplace burning with real wood even though we hardly got any snow. Stories about relatives who lived far away that I’d heard dozens of times. The three of us sitting at the kitchen table, since there was no need to clear off the larger one in the dining room. It was relaxed and familiar, and usually an all-around good time.
This year even my parents had picked up on my melancholy mood. They didn’t prod too much, beyond a few significant looks from my dad and pointed questions from my mom.
The truth was, it had hit me how alone I was. I had accomplished a lot in a decade. Gone to school, gotten good grades and a job. I’d made a name for myself in a competitive industry. Built my company into a billion-dollar success. Made more money than I could even aspire to spend.
My personal life suffered from neglect. No one else was worth pursuing once I compared them to Kara. Working long hours wasn’t exactly compatible with cultivating a social life. My few friendships, if I could even call them that, were focused on business. Outside of the few times I made the trip to see my parents, I took most holidays as a chance to work on personal projects.
It wasn’t enough.
The feeling wasn’t entirely new. But having tasted something more with Kara these past few weeks, I was acutely aware of what I lacked.
More than that even. Now, I’d found out I’d accomplished one more thing. I’d fathered a son, although I hadn’t known about him until last week.
And today I would meet him.
I should’ve been exhausted after the early morning drive back to New York. Three black coffees effectively staved off the worst of that. Nervousness thrummed through me.
Kara hadn’t said much. Just that he was eight and liked dinosaurs, hence the Natural History Museum as a neutral meeting spot. We’d agreed to meet at eleven.
I got there almost an hour early and waited on the steps. I spotted Kara first. At her side was a boy. He vibrated with excitement, sandy brown hair that had once been neatly combed was now mussed up by tiny fingers. Despite the fact he was bundled warmly for the cold weather, his movements were minimally constricted based on how he hopped around. Or maybe he was just a particularly animated kid.
Not just a kid. My son.
When Kara spotted me, her pace slowed, though the child with her didn’t notice and continued to bound forward. Kara managed to stop him from barging past me.
“Ryan, honey, this is my friend I told you about.”
He looked at me, considering. He didn’t strike me as particularly shy, but he chewed the bottom of his lip the same way Kara did when she was thoughtful.
“Ryan, why don’t you introduce yourself?” Kara prodded.
“Hi,” he finally said, after another minute. “I’m Ryan.”
“Nice to meet you, Ryan. I’m Lucas Northman.”
Ryan turned to his mom. “Do I call him Mr. Northman?”
“Why don’t you ask him?”
He repeated the question to me.
“Lucas is fine,” I answered.
Ryan gave a nod, clearly happy to have that sorted. “Do you like dinosaurs?”
“I love them,” I assured him. “And I hear we’re in the right spot to see some cool ones.”
With that, I stood up from the steps and we headed in. Kara had a slightly nervous expression on her face, with the faintest smile under the surface. We headed into the museum. Ryan was adamant we go find the biggest dinosaurs. Kara grabbed a map, twisting it around trying to orient herself. I grinned despite myself. Maps were not her strong suit. Once we’d gone to a nature preserve she insisted she’d been to a dozen times and would be my guide. We hadn’t found our way out until sunset.
I peered over her shoulder and pointed towards the correct hall, on the far right.
“Oh, that must be it,” she commented, relieved. “Ryan, see where Lucas is pointing? That’s where we can see the dinosaurs.”
Once Kara told him which way we were headed, Ryan took off like a shot. Kara frantically followed. An unusual pride hit me. I was part of this. In the past, Kara might’ve staunchly protested she’d figure it out herself. But she was trusting me, even if we were no longer together.
I wasted no time following Kara down the hall, fueled by my determination to not get separated. This was my chance, even if I didn’t know what it was a chance for.
“He’s really excited about the dinosaurs,” she explained. “And has way too much energy.”
The words were tentative, unsure. Utterly unlike Kara. I should’ve been angry at her. I’d been furious when I found out. At my core, I was never someone who dwelled on the past, but every interaction with Kara haunted me. I wanted her before and despite my best efforts, I wanted her now.
We caught up to him at the first exhibit, where he stood frozen in front of a massive set of fossils, jaw dropped in awe. He pointed at it with both hands, looking back at us as if to make sure we didn’t miss it.
I headed up to better see the exhibit and read the caption. I recited a few of the more interesting facts out loud, drawing Ryan next to me.
From there we moved from one display to the next. Ryan graciously allowed me to cherry-pick the more interesting parts of the paragraphs in front of the exhibits. I tossed in a couple factoids I’d come across on my way up. Since all I’d known was that he liked dinosaurs, I’d listened to several podcasts about dinosaurs.
We got to the stegosaurus exhibit. Kara crept up next to me. She’d mainly hung back, letting me escort Ryan around. I stood a little taller, knowing she trusted me enough to let me have this. I’d accused her of not trusting me, but for better or worse, I tried to understand her decision.
“Okay, listen, I need a favor,” she said, her voice low and serious.
I gave her a slightly concerned look.
“I know stegosauruses are herbivor
es, but I need you to glaze over that part.”
“Huh?”
Kara loosed a bone-weary sigh. “When Ryan first got into dinosaurs, he was on a vegetarian kick after his class got a pet bunny. The only way he would consider eating meat again—and by extension, letting me eat meat—was by telling him stegosauruses ate both veggies and meat.”
I laughed in surprise. I’d expected something more serious. “With so many omnivores and carnivores, why didn’t you mention the truth about one of those? Like the deinocheirus or oviraptor? Raptors are cool.”
She shook her head. “No dice. I have it on good authority stegosauruses are the single most awesome kind of dinosaur in the world. I tried, Lucas, I did. But alas, I had to resort to deception.”
Ryan came up to us, apparently impatient with the boring adult-talk. “You have to see the stegosauruses! They’re awesome,” he insisted, tugging at my hand.
I obliged, allowing myself to be pulled away. “Your secret is safe with me,” I told Kara. At least this time it was a more light-hearted deception.
We spent the next several hours walking through the museum. Ryan delighted in each new dinosaur he got to see. For my part, I was surprised by how much I liked him. He was a funny kid and clearly very smart, based on his curiosity and constant questions. We eventually circled back to the exit. It was almost three when he caved and went up to Kara.
“Mom, I’m hungry,” I heard him say from a few feet away.
Kara’s entire demeanor changed when she looked at her son. There was a hint of joy in her expression no matter how mundane the moment over these hours. Now the curve of her lip as she saw him dramatically rubbing his stomach had an unmistakable softness. The Kara I’d known in college had been wild, and while she certainly hadn’t lost her edge, the love that she showed as a mother revealed an entirely different side to her.
I took the two of them in for a long moment. There was an almost fleeting sense of guilt in intruding. She’d been his only parent for a long time, and I was immediately demanding to intrude on that. The anger I’d initially felt had cooled substantially. Kara had been accommodating all morning. It couldn’t have been easy, because, despite the softness she had around Ryan, I’d also glimpsed her fierce protectiveness.
I headed over them. Because I wanted to be a part of their little duo for a bit longer.
“Why don’t we go get pizza? My treat,” I offered.
Kara looked at me, and I noticed the softness she had when she looked at Ryan didn’t disappear when she faced me. In fact, she offered me a tentative smile.
“That sounds good. Let’s find a place.”
The good thing about Manhattan is you can’t go a block without having your choice of pizza stores. We let Ryan choose—or rather, Kara offered it and I followed her lead—and he decided on a little hole-in-the-wall that wasn’t too crowded. Kid had good taste.
We took a seat in the back and Kara led him to the bathroom before coming back by herself.
“Okay, we have a few minutes. He’s, ah, making space for all the pizza,” she said with a shake of her head.
I snorted.
“Which is good,” she continued. “Because it gives us a minute to talk.”
“About what?” I asked.
“What to tell him.” She chewed her lip for a minute, and I waited to see if she was going to confirm what she meant.
“That I’m his father?” I prodded.
She nodded.
“Aren’t you concerned it’s too soon?”
She shrugged. “Clearly, I don’t know the right time to tell people things. And if I know him, the second we’re on the bus home I’m gonna get the third degree on who you are.”
He did seem like a persistent kid.
“Won’t he be confused?”
She loosed a breath. “Oh, I suspect we’ll have a lot to explain. But he’s adaptable.”
Even though she tried to sound confident, I could see her concerns written on her face as clearly as if she voiced them. I imagined motherhood has featured a lot of winging it, and I guess fatherhood would, too.
“Okay, we’ll tell him then. What does he know about me? Does he even know I exist?” That question had plagued me for the past few days.
“Conceptually? Sure, the birds and bees were last year’s big talk. But beyond that not much. I explained that I got pregnant when I was a lot younger and that we went our separate ways.”
At least she hadn’t lied, just omitted information. It was hard to fault her. What child wanted to hear his father didn’t want him, though? Or that they didn’t know he existed?
Ryan came back a moment later and slid in next to Kara while assuring her he’d washed his hands.
We settled on two pies. Each of us chimed in with our preferred toppings, forcing the waiter to furiously scribble down pineapple, pepperoni, peppers, and eggplant.
Once the waiter left Kara nonchalantly—and bluntly—broke the news to Ryan.
“Ryan, you wanna know something cool?”
“Is it about dinosaurs?” he asked.
Kara glanced at me. “Is thirty-one years old a dinosaur?”
I chuckled. “Not quite.”
“Then, no. But it’s still cool,” she assured Ryan. “Lucas is your father.”
The kid’s eyebrows crept up higher and higher, head swinging back and forth between the two of us. Kara looked completely unperturbed, as if that was the most normal news to break to someone. I held my breath for his reaction, trying and failing to emulate Kara’s composure.
“Weird,” was his final proclamation.
It was weird.
Kara discreetly elbowed him. “Ryan, don’t say weird,” she chastised.
He gave her a slightly lost look, unsure.
“Why don’t you ask him some of your interview questions?” she prompted.
Ryan knew what that meant, because that was all it took for him to regain his confidence. In short order, he asked for my full name, age, and favorite color.
“What’s your job?” he asked.
“I used to work with computers,” I explained. “Now I work with your mother at the Rattler.”
His eyes widened. “Do you make video games?” he asked.
“No,” I admitted. “But I like to play them, and I know people who do. Sometimes they let me try out stuff early.”
That got his interest. Ryan quickly abandoned the formal questions, excitement coloring his whole demeanor. “What’s your favorite? I just got some games for Christmas!”
I rattled off a few titles, one of which Ryan owned, and that quickly became the conversation of discussion. Even when our pizzas came and we were faced with eating our abomination pizzas—apparently, they’d decided all the topics should go on all the slices—we kept talking. Kara reminded Ryan to swallow before talking but quickly gave up. For my part, I was just happy he wasn’t freaked out by me. It didn’t hurt he liked games as well, either.
We finished our lunch and after a moment’s hesitation, Kara let me give the two of them a ride home.
Back at my place, I listened to the news absentmindedly while I processed the day. It had been a good day, despite the rough start. Kara had been willing to give me a bit of time with Ryan, and I cherished it because I already knew he was going to be one of my favorite people. Not just because I was his father. Little dude was awesome in his own right.
My thoughts had turned back to Kara when my phone rang, her name lighting up the screen. When I answered, her voice was soft on the other end.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” I replied.
There was silence on the line for a moment.
“I had a good time today—” “Ryan’s been going nuts—”
We both stopped and waited.
“I had a good time today,” I finished. “What’s up with Ryan?”
She laughed but it didn’t sound forced. “Remember when I said I’d get the third degree? Oh, boy, did I. I also failed since I didn�
��t remember your shoe size, since he wants to get you matching dinosaur socks. Anyway, he was hounding me all evening to ask if you’d want to have a sleepover. I tried to explain that would be too much but that I’d ask. Maybe if you guys wanted to have a playdate one afternoon?”
“Definitely,” I said quickly. “Or even a sleepover is great. I could go to your place or he could come here. I’m not far away.”
Kara hesitated. I pictured her chewing her bottom lip while she weighed her options.
“Besides, he’s on vacation, right? I could take him just for a night, order pizza like we had today, and you could have time to relax.”
I was unproven as a father, but I wanted, no, needed Kara to have faith I could do this.
“Okay.” Something in me unclenched at the single word, at her trust in me. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow morning and we’ll see, though I’m sure he’s going to jump on the chance. When should we do it? His break ends next Wednesday, and I know the bar is busy on the weekend…”
“How about tomorrow?” I said, hoping it wasn’t too soon. All at once, I needed to make up for the years I missed and I didn’t want to waste a moment.
More hesitation. Finally, “Okay. We’ll text and work out the details tomorrow.” She paused. “I had a good time today, too, Luke.”
“That makes me happy. Good night, Kara.”
“Good night.” Her voice was a soft caress, and with that, she hung up.
22. Kara
Ryan had barely been able to contain his excitement once I mentioned he could visit Lucas. My kid was absolutely taken with his father. First, with Lucas reading out the dinosaur facts, then getting us pizza, and finally sealing the deal with video game talk. And so help me if I didn’t feel little flutters in my stomach when Lucas gave him an extra indulgent look, like he already loved our son as much as I did.
We’d hashed out the details over breakfast. In the afternoon, I brought Ryan over, with an overnight bag in hand. I told Lucas not to be offended if Ryan wanted to come home early since he sometimes got nervous in new places, though Ryan had been uncommonly at ease with him. Lucas promised over text that if Ryan said the word, he’d take him back home. He’d surprised me by continuing to ask questions throughout the morning. What Ryan usually ate for breakfast, and what toothpaste he used, and other miscellaneous things I hadn’t expected him to ask about. When he invited us in, Ryan’s favorite cereal was prominently placed on the counter. The apartment was a bit more unpacked since I was last there, featuring two controllers ready and waiting by his TV.
