by Jamie Adams
“I have just had a phone call from Ruby next door. She has been trying to call me for a while. There is a fire at our place. We have to go now!” She sort of screamed as she broke out into an almost running pace.
I looked at Dad, and he shrugged his shoulders. We turned towards the exit and raced towards our car. We had to find Tess before she got into any more trouble. God knows what she had already managed to do.
Chapter 24 (Max)
Driving up to our house, we could see a fire engine and ambulance parked outside, and a few men in high visibility jackets roaming around in the front driveway. Ruby came over to meet us and led us into the back garden. An ambulance man was stooped over a teenage girl, who I immediately recognised as Tess. Mum screamed as she spotted that our shed was half-burned to the ground, smouldering at the bottom of the long, dark garden. Tess looked away, loudly sucking on the oxygen mask that she had attached to her face. The ambulance man asked me to keep my distance for the time being, but Sam soon swooped past me and sat beside her, stroking her hair.
“What is going on here?” Mum whined.
“She was trying to get away, and she tripped over that tree stump in the dark,” Ruby said, with a serious tone to her voice. “The little brat was lucky not to break a leg.”
“I don’t get it! What was she trying to do?” Mum replied, looking at me for answers.
I pulled her away from Ruby and decided to give her an honest answer.
“She wanted to hurt you!” I said, with a mixture of resentment and discomfort.
“Hurt me?”
“I know what you did, Mum. I saw your e-mails. I don’t know how Tess found out, but you can bet she did this because she knows you bullied her mum.”
For the first time in my life, I saw Mum break down in front of me. Like a chocolate bar sitting close to an open fire, she melted into tears and sniffles.
“That is not how it was,” she squealed as Dad tapped me on the shoulder, asking me if I was alright.
“Listen to me. I was not bullying her. We used to be friends…but she and I just always argued.”
Tess had stood up now and walked over to where we were standing.
“You are an evil cow who made my mum’s life a misery!” she yelled, with one foot forward, and her left hand firmly clutching Sam’s. You could tell that she was feeling vulnerable and needed back-up.
“Your mum hurt me one day. We were arguing outside the shops, next to that hill that leads down to the river. She was angry that I had got pregnant with Matt.”
“When you were going to have me?” I asked, curiously.
“No!” interrupted Dad, “not you son.”
Now I really was puzzled. I had no idea they had another child. My head began to spin, and I felt a supportive hand cross my shoulder and sling around onto my chest. Realising it was not Dad’s, I looked to see who it belonged to. It was Lisa of all people. I was overwhelmed that she had made the effort to come and find me, but things were becoming more chaotic; and Alex and Alfie suddenly rushed in, with Tess flinging herself upon him.
“She killed Mum!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. “She bullied Mum until she could not face living anymore.”
Alex swung around to us and asked, “What is all of this about?”
“Tess got a bit upset and started a fire in the garden here,” said Sam, trying to remain calm.
“You told me you were out with your friends,” Alex said to Tess, peeling her off him so the ambulance man could return the oxygen mask to her face.
“She really needs to rest now,” he said, leading her away towards the ambulance.
Alfie went with them, but Alex remained behind for a moment to quiz Mum a little.
“Did you and Michelle have an argument?” he asked.
“We had many arguments, Alex!” boomed Mum, through a sprinkling of tears which immersed her cheeks. “We had always been friends, and then we fell out. Then we made up again. We were like chalk and cheese. We hurt each other many times over the years. But it was when she pushed me down that hill. That broke our relationship forever. There was no going back!” she whimpered, looking at Alex for some kind of appreciation.
He didn’t give her any and seemed none the wiser.
“Pushed you? Michelle? Well, it must have been an accident,” he cried.
“She knew what she was doing…and later that day, I lost my baby. I lost what was to be my first-born child because of her!”
“I can’t handle this right now,” squirmed Alex as he headed off to catch the ambulance before it drove away.
I took Mum’s hand, and we went into our house. Dad put the kettle on, and Sam plonked himself down on the couch. Josh stayed outside with Lisa for a bit to help with the clear up and take a handover from the fireman. Mum stood staring at a photo of me, her and Dad when I was younger. She turned to me and smiled, still washed out but seeming less tyrannical and more like the mother I remembered in the past.
“Sometimes girls fall out when they are teenagers. But then they are pulled together again. I suppose me and Michelle had a kind of love/hate relationship. I think we always had had.”
Everyone was silent, and the noise outside seemed to dissolve as she continued to speak about her side of the story.
From underneath the wine cabinet, she produced an envelope that I had never seen before. It was white and stamped with our address written on by hand in beautiful handwriting. Mum unravelled it and started to read it aloud.
"Dear Hannah,
When you read this, I will be long gone. I know that is what you wanted. I know it is for the best. I cannot live with myself for what I did to you. I have tried so many times to apologise and make up for it, but you have always told me to stay away and keep out of your life.
I have never been at peace since I pushed you, knowing that your baby died because of my stupid actions. I am so ashamed that I did such an awful thing, especially as all we were arguing over was Matt.
We were 17. I know age isn’t an excuse, as I have said many times, but I didn’t know what I wanted back then. Yes—I was jealous that you had the captain of the football team. He never even so much as looked at me apart from that one night at that dreaded barbecue, where you caught me trying my hardest to chat him up. I have admitted all of this.
I soon discovered the wonderful Alex. The moment he moved to our school, I knew he was the one for me. I had no hard feelings towards you, but you would not let it rest. I had no idea you were pregnant that day when I pushed you. But yes—I did push you. I was the reason for the death of your child. Despite every effort, I can see why you hate me so much.
Well, after this, you will never see me again, but know one thing. I have nothing but respect for you. You dealt with your loss so well. You are strong and confident, and we all admire you. Look after Max and Matt. Have a good life.
Michelle x"
We were all totally dumbfounded. I threw my arms around Mum, and we cried with relief. Relief that everything was making some kind of sense now. Dad said that he was sorry for hurting her, and he understood now the torment that she had been going through. Sam went off into the garden to relay it all to Josh. Everything was calming down a little. I asked Dad to swing past the hospital and explain everything to Alex, Tess and Alfie, as I knew he would be going there anyway. He was always so caring. He kissed me on the forehead before he left, and Mum and I were alone once more. We switched on the telly and had hot chocolates. For the first time in ages, we felt close again. It was lovely to think that now this was all off her chest, she could move on with her life, and I could have my wonderful Mum back.
Chapter 25 (Alfie)
Seeing her sat up and chirpy in the hospital chair made me feel so much better about what had happened. I hated the thought of my little sister harming herself. Feeding her some grapes, until she spat one out at me, I tried to make her laugh, but she was still a bit down. Dad had just relayed to her the full story which Matt had earlier delivered in the hosp
ital foyer.
“I think you can safely say that none of this is Hannah’s fault. Nor is it your mum’s. Your mum was unwell. I mean we found all of those depression tablets afterwards; didn’t we? I told you about that. Mental health can be an awful illness,” he said as he tried drawing it to a close.
Tess nodded to show that she understood everything he had mentioned.
“Let’s move on now, Tess. Mum would have wanted us to,” I said, trying to sound supportive.
She nodded again and sat between me and Dad, drawing us together in a family huddle. It was great to know that we hadn’t lost the closeness that we had always had.
Part Three – The Anxious Ghost
Chapter 26 (Michelle)
My mind was somehow sublime as I gently used the razor to cut a delicate line across my wrist that morning. The bath water was warm and soothing, but the pain struck me rapidly. I thought of how much I wanted myself gone. I wanted to be out of everyone’s way. I wanted to escape a world I had always felt lost in.
The only friend I had ever cared about hated me. The husband I had loved so much had become distant. My children were joys to watch over, but I felt they deserved a far better mum.
Having just posted the letter to Hannah, I felt like I had done everything I needed to and knew that Tess would understand my grief many years later when she read my notes.
Friends can turn into bullies, and Hannah, for me, was a torment. She refused to forgive me. Her rejection was more painful than any vindictive act. Every time she glared at me or called me a bitch, she cut me somehow internally. I knew that her child had been lost because of me. I knew that she would never be able to look me in the eyes again.
Growing up with depression and having medication for many years made all of this so much worse. I had kept from Alex my secret, the anxiety that had cramped my youth. At first, Hannah had helped me no end. Her friendship as I grew up meant the world to me. It was like sugar in that; it fed my happy brain, leaving the demon side neglected for a while. But every time we fell out, the dark side ate away at me again.
Anxiety can destroy you. It had definitely destroyed me.
She was not to blame for any of that. But was it too much to be forgiven? By this time I knew that even if she did forgive me, I could never have forgiven myself for what I had done.
As I closed my eyes, I remembered all of the happy times we once shared. I was at peace with myself.
Now, looking down at my own grave, I am surprised by the bunches of flowers that engulf it. Alex regularly clears it up and makes sure it looks presentable. Alfie often pops by and tells me about what he has been up to. But it is right now, as I relay this to you, that I am most astonished by what I see, looking down on that graveyard, shrouded in morning mist.
I can see a teenage girl and a grown woman kneeling beside my grave. As they look at the carvings, I can clearly note those bright blue eyes of my daughter, Tess. She is tearful but speaks to me a little about how much she misses me and loves me. She has grown into a clever, sophisticated, independent young woman. My heart would burst but for obvious reasons…well, you know.
Next to her the woman reveals her face to be that of Hannah. She speaks to me about how much she regrets our arguments and tells me that deep down she has always adored me. Those words do it for me. They make it alright. Everything is as it should be.
Standing behind them I see Matt, in a tight embrace with Josh. I am proud of them for coming out and bravely showing the world that they love each other. My husband stands just beside them, smiling and holding onto a dog. A new edition to the household. I love knowing that he is happy again. Alfie kicks a ball around, trying to entice the dog to join in. He calls out towards me, “I love you, Mum.”
So, there it is. I am never sure whether I should have done it. I can’t go back now. But at least everything has settled. I wonder where their futures will take them.
