That earned me a small smile from her as she left me to dry off in peace.
I did want Wyatt. And tonight, I wasn’t afraid to admit to that, even if it was just to myself. Maybe it was the trauma to my head from falling; more likely it was the trauma to my unused heart from falling for him.
I had this nagging feeling that at some point, as stupid as it sounded, I was going to have to make a choice between Wyatt and my brother. But not giving in to my feelings for Wyatt would have been like never attempting the triple again—it would have been letting the fear of the unknown limit me from reaching for the stars; and I wasn’t that kind of girl.
Look out, Wyatt Olsen—I don’t know what it is or what I do to make you want me, but you better strap on your helmet, because it’s looking mighty cold on Monday and I’m going to need you to keep me very, very warm.
“CHANNING!” I GROANED AS ALLY banged on my door. “It’s almost eleven!”
My eyes flew open, the realization that I had nothing to do today—no boarding, no lessons, no work—only coming after the point where adrenaline had already flooded my body and I sat up in bed thinking that I was late.
“What’s up?” I croaked, wiping my eyes open wider.
“How are you feeling? How’s your head? Any headache? Dizziness? You know we need to call Dr. Lam if you notice any new symptoms.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Only from your helicoptering.” I flashed a quick smile at her frown. “No headache. No dizziness. Just a severe case of laziness.”
“Well, I don’t know the last time you had a day off, so I think it’s just what the doctor ordered.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder, instinctively causing me to run my fingers through my own. “Anyway, Zack wanted to come and take me to lunch and I didn’t know how you were feeling and I didn’t want to leave you. But, since you’re doing fine, I’m going to let him know he can come get me.”
“Ok, sure. Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I turned and walked back into my dimly lit room away from the light in the hall.
My room was nothing special and sparsely decorated. There were a few frames of mountain photos on my wall that I had taken over the years at wherever Chance and my competitions had taken us—Vermont, Canada, Wyoming - and then two photos on my dresser: one of Chance and me at the Open last year and one of our whole family at Christmas. The only other decorations were medals and trophies of the competitions that I’d won—reminding me what I’d always been working towards. Everything else though was white—the walls, my dresser and nightstand, my bed and bedspread. I like to think it was because I loved snow and not because I was just that basic.
Picking up my phone and pulling it off the charger, the screen lit to show several messages. Tammy, Nick, and Emmett.
I opened up Tammy’s first, knowing that I’d left her high and dry for an instructor for lessons this weekend.
TAMMY
Hey, just want to see how you’re feeling! Don’t worry about your lessons! I asked Jax to cover them and he was more than happy to. Just focus on getting better and I’ll see you soon!
I quickly tapped back out a reply, grateful to have her as a friend and coworker, thanking her for everything. I didn’t even remember talking to her that day which meant that either Emmett or Wyatt had let her know what had happened and why I wouldn’t be making it to my lessons; since Emmett was with me at the doctor’s, that only left Wyatt who’d made sure that everything was taken care of. I wasn’t surprised by his thoughtfulness even in the face of my thoughtlessness.
NICK
Hope you’re feeling better!
Typical, canned response from Frost, but that was a lot for him.
Last, I opened up the text from Emmett.
EMMETT
I’ll be by later.
Typical Emmett. Caring, yet controlling to a fault. I wasn’t sure what ‘later’ meant since I received the text at eight this morning, but it’s not like I had big plans today anyway. Unless Wyatt was coming by.
I bit into my lip wondering if he was going to come over with his brother. What was I going to say? My stomach clenched. ‘Thanks for the take-out and for eating me out’?
I groaned. Nice, Channing. Real nice.
Maybe this is why I didn’t get involved with guys because I had no idea how to deal. I mean, the man had just had his tongue inside of me—did that make us a thing? Did that make us official? Because, even though I wanted him, I wasn’t sure I wanted that right now; I still couldn’t let myself drop out of the Games. I just couldn’t let my brother down like that.
I waited until I heard my sister’s door shut before heading into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I may not have a serious head injury, but I sure looked like I did—my eyes were groggy, my hair was sticking out in all directions because I’d climbed into bed with it wet last night.
My head jerked up as the doorbell rang. Zack. Maybe Wyatt.
I wanted to see him, but I didn’t want to see him like this. Hearing Ally heading for the door, I quickly ran my hand underneath the faucet, trying to subdue my short locks, trying to press down the strays before I walked out into the hall.
I was only to the top of the stairs when I heard Ally yell, “Channing, the asshole—I mean, Emmett is here to see you.”
My pace immediately slowed as I reached the bottom of the steps, just as my sister stormed around the corner. For a second, it looked like she was on the brink of crying, but my neck burned as it tried to follow her and see for sure; the muscles cramped from my fall and forced my head back straight again to see Emmett standing in front of me.
“Lil.” Emmett’s voice rasped. His face looked angry and tortured and I wondered what had just happened between him and Ally. I forgot that I wanted to talk to her about that. “How you doing?”
“I’m alright.” I smiled and tilted my head, signaling that he should follow me into the kitchen.
“Nick says ‘hey.’ He’s behind on some shit, but he said he’d see you Monday.”
“Yeah, he texted me.” I reached into the fridge, pulling out a premade yogurt shake. “You didn’t talk to Tammy about my lessons, did you?”
“Fuck. No. I probably should have though. Did they not have anyone to cover?”
I slightly shook my head, twisting off the cap. “No, no. It’s fine. They are fine. I was just wondering…” So, it had been Wyatt.
His jaw muscle flexed as he rubbed his hand over his red halo of hair. “What were you doing with Olsen?”
His tone immediately had me on the defensive. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what the hell was he doing carrying you down from the mountain?” His hand came up to stop my smart-ass response that he was carrying me because I’d just fallen on my head. “Not what I meant. Why were you with him? I thought you were picking up extra lessons and that’s why you weren’t riding with us in the morning.”
I felt my cheeks beginning to flush. I may have alluded to that. I was afraid to admit that I’d taken his sarcastic suggestion to heart; I was afraid of the questions it might bring.
“I asked him to teach me the triple.” I made sure to keep my gaze locked with his, showing confidence in spite of my concern.
“Jesus…” He swore. “Why? Chance already taught you; you don’t fucking need him.” His black eyes glistened like dark diamonds at me.
“Over a year ago he taught me. And I haven’t done it since. Obviously, I’m still doing something wrong because I can’t nail it and I need someone to coach me who can tell me exactly what I need to change. And, in case you haven’t noticed, Chance isn’t here—for any of us anymore; he’s gone.
“Channing…” His voice was a warning that I sounded like I was about to say something that I didn’t mean—only I did mean it.
“I don’t know when he’s coming back and I’m not going to bank on it anymore. He. Is. Gone. And I don’t care about the fact that he can’t snowboard anymore—at least competitively—the mountain wasn’t the only go
ddamn thing here that he cared about.” I sucked in a ragged breath, feeling angry tears clogging my throat. “Or maybe it was. And that’s what I need to accept because I need to move forward. I need to learn the triple. And I need to learn that I can’t rely on my brother like I thought… like I did.”
Emmett was surprised by my outburst and honestly, I’d shocked myself with my vehemence. I felt it bubbling up inside of me ever since he left, but I kept pushing it down because I should feel bad for him; I should feel empathetic and sympathetic and every other pitiable emotion for him. So, I buried the anger even though I knew it couldn’t stay buried forever—pieces of it kept breaking up and floating to the surface.
“You know that’s complete bullshit, right?” He asked casually.
“Why are you defending him? He left you, too. He stranded all you SnowmassHoles.”
Emmett lightly pounded his fist on the countertop. “Because I’m a grown man, Lil—and you’re a grown woman. Yes, Pride is my friend and yes, I’m fucking concerned for him, but you act like you are nothing without him.” He let out a harsh laugh. “You always have. I get it—you’re siblings, you’re twins—but you’re out there always trying to best him, to be him, instead of just being yourself.” His words paralyzed me. “You aren’t angry because he fucking left; you’re angry because you’ve fucking followed his path for your entire life and now, without him, you think you don’t know where to go.” This was hurting; this was really hurting. “How about instead of resenting your brother for trying to deal with his own shit, you look in the mirror and deal with the real problem.”
I wiped a frustrated tear from my eye, hating to cry in front him. I needed to change the conversation away from Chance—and away from the thoughts that struck too close to home.
I had lived in Chance’s shadow—or at least shared the spotlight with him—for so long. Maybe I was angry because without him, I was starting to realize that I didn’t know who I was.
I didn’t want to talk about my sibling anymore—at least not that one. Now, I was angry at Emmett for throwing all his perceptions on me with no warning and I wasn’t going to let this end without making him feel just as uncomfortable about truths that he was equally wanting to ignore.
“Yeah?” I wiped away one last tear before smirking angrily at him. “How about you take some of your own advice? Are you still refusing to see your mom?” I knew that was a trigger and he was ready to fire at me. “Or how you deal with the real problem between you and Ally? I saw how upset she looked just now; she’s always upset whenever she mentions you or has to see you or ride with you.” I leveled a hard stare on him; it was my turn to ask the probing questions. “Why is that? What’s going on? What happened between you two?”
His mouth thinned and I wondered if he was going to answer me. I watched as he walked behind me to open the fridge and grab a water bottle; he and Nick always made themselves at home here—our unofficial other siblings.
“She’s a hormonal teenager. What else do you expect?” He ignored my first question which was no surprise. He never discussed Miriam.
Interesting answer. “She’s turning twenty in like a month, Emmett. Not a teenager for much longer.” I took another sip of my drink, trying to listen to him but more trying to calm my nerves.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Lil.” Why was he angry at me? He was the one upsetting my sister. He sighed. “Look, Chance isn’t here and I’m just trying to look out for the both of you and I don’t think she should be seeing Zack. He’s too old for her and he’s a douche.”
Zack was only my age—maybe a year older than me, which would make him a year or so younger than Emmett; I didn’t think that was a big age gap. And I didn’t think that he was a douche.
“She’s just having fun,” I murmured. “She can take care of herself and I think Zack is a nice guy. I mean, they did get pretty intense pretty quickly, but it’s fine.”
“Yeah,” he scoffed.
“What was that for?” Now, I was getting pissed.
“She’s a kid; she doesn’t know what the hell she wants or what she’s doing. The whole reason she’s here is because she’s running away from something and whatever it is, she running straight into the arms of stupidity.” His words came as a surprise to me, immediately starting to turn the wheels in my head, seeing my sister in a whole new light and wondering just what I’d been missing. Before I could recover from those thoughts, he spat, “Plus, I didn’t realize that fucking his brother automatically made him a nice guy.”
My eyes shot to his, my face immediately flushing with embarrassment at his words even as my body radiated with anger. “What the hell is your problem?” He had the decency to look surprised by my outburst. “First off, I’m not fucking his brother.” Not yet, at least. I swallowed a groan. “Second off, I can’t believe you just fucking said that to me, dick.” I whipped the lid of my yogurt drink at him. “If Chance were here, he’d tell you that you’ve gone too fucking far. You’re like a brother to me and I know you care about both Ally and me—and I’m grateful for everything that you did for me on Friday, you know that I am. But, as your friend, I’m going to look out for you here and tell you to sort out whatever is up your ass and causing you to be more of a jerk than usual because it’s becoming a problem.”
I didn’t know what the hell happened between him and Ally, but I was tired of having to deal with the repercussions from both sides, especially when my own life was walking on a tightrope between winning and wrecking. “Figure it out and then handle it with my sister. But, I don’t see Zack leaving the picture any time soon, so you better figure that shit into your plans.”
He glared at me for a minute, then slowly drank down the remainder of the water bottle. I felt my mouth parting, tempted to say more just to break the silence, but I didn’t know what else to say. A cold smirk spread over his face and I cringed, really thinking about what I’d said. He was an ass, but he was a caring ass; maybe I should have been a little more patient.
“Alright then. Guess I’ll see you two around then,” he replied callously as he crushed the water bottle between his hands. Ally chose that moment to come back downstairs, her gaze on Emmett cold and unfazed. “Enjoy your Olsen obsession.” He’d been talking to me, but I wasn’t sure that he was anymore. Ally just ignored him, walking into the living room to sit on the couch.
I watched Emmett’s jaw flex before he stalked towards the front door—apparently fed up with both Ryder sisters. I followed a few steps behind, suddenly afraid of leaving things the way they were between us.
I’d already lost one brother. I didn’t want to lose another.
He swung the door open and before I could say a word we saw Zack standing on the other side, about to knock.
“Hey, man,” Zack greeted him with a smile.
Emmett just scoffed in disgust and I heard him mumble “cradle-robber” underneath his breath as he walked out. Even Ally’s excited footsteps as she flew past me didn’t entice him to turn around; he was done with us.
For right now. I knew at some point, the mountain would bring us back to good terms—it always did.
“What’s his problem?” Zack asked; I was unsure if he was talking to Ally or me, but I just stayed silent hoping that she would answer.
“He’s an ass,” came her annoyed response. “I’m ready.”
With a sigh, I turned and tried to mitigate the situation that Ally was instigating with her response. “He’s just very protective of us both and concerned about me after the fall and everything…” Too vague. Too quietly indistinct. But it was the best I had.
Zack just stared at me for a second—a second for me to realize that Wyatt wasn’t with him. My spirits immediately sank until he shoved a bag in my direction.
“Here. The glorified messenger was told to give you this care package from my dear brother.” My heart gave an extra thump as I took it from him.
“Thanks,” I murmured.
“What did you get?”
Ally asked, trying to look inside.
“I thought you were leaving.” I didn’t want to share; she had her man. I was going to enjoy whatever Wyatt had sent alone, with his memory.
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’ll just see it later.”
“C’mon, doll.” Zack wrapped his arm around her waist and led her through the door.
“Call me if you need me, Chan!” Ally yelled over her shoulder, but I was already shutting the door; I was fine.
I began to look through the bag as I walked into the kitchen; whatever was inside smelled delicious. He’d definitely sent food. Thank God.
Each item inside was accompanied by a sticky note on top. The first was the delicious smelling one.
‘So you don’t have to eat soup again.’ I smiled, popping open the lid to see Pad Thai inside.
‘So you don’t have to decide what to do. (Although I can’t stop you from falling asleep.)’ I laughed, pulling the note off to see ‘A Walk to Remember’ underneath—one of my favorites; after this morning, I could use a good cry.
The last thing was the smallest. I lifted it out to read, ‘Dessert. Spoiler: it doesn’t taste as delicious as you.’
Son of a biscuit.
My heart flipped and I crossed my legs as the memory of him between them hit me like a wrecking ball. I leaned against the countertop, laughing ridiculously at myself. It was only later than I actually took the note off to see that it was chocolate.
Emmett was right; I’d been trying to be my brother for so long, to want what Chance wanted, that I was afraid to want anything for myself. Until now.
I wanted Wyatt; he was the first thing that I wanted for myself and I’d be damned if I was too afraid to take him.
I’D FORCED MYSELF TO STAY away Sunday, settling for sending her some Thai food, a DVD copy of A Walk to Remember, and some dark chocolate. Thai food because I wasn’t going to send Chinese again, more Nicholas Sparks because she’d fallen asleep during the last one and I liked reminding her of her guilty pleasure, and dark chocolate because… well, what woman doesn’t like chocolate? Plus, it was just like her: decadent, delicious, with a subtle hint of fucking ecstasy that kept you coming back for more.
The Winter Games Page 18
