I swallowed and made for the stairs. Guilt pooled in my stomach. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, but I needed to know what was going on. I quietly climbed the carpeted staircase, hearing Mary and Wyatt’s voices getting louder. As I neared the top, I slowed, trying to make out what they were saying.
“I’m sorry, Wyatt. I thought you told her already.” Mary’s soft voice floated down to me.
“I wanted to make sure everything was in order first but it looks like that’s not going quite as I had planned.” He sounded frustrated. “I guess I’m just going to have to leave sooner than I thought.”
Leave? He’s going to leave. Not us. Him.
“I did my best.”
He sighed loud enough for me to hear. “I know, mom, and I appreciate it. I figured it was something that couldn’t be done from so far, but I was hoping that I could at least get something definitive squared away before next weekend.”
“I’m sure that it’s going to work out regardless. They seemed very excited about the idea and can’t wait to talk to you in person about it.” His mom asked. All I heard was ‘in person’ which meant in Canada. “Are you going to tell her?”
Silence.
“Of course. I was just trying not to put such a huge commitment on her shoulders this week with the Games coming and everything.”
I think he continued talking, but the sound of my heart breaking drowned out the noise. I shook my head. Dinner. Just get through dinner, Channing.
The last three steps I made sure to be extra loud so that they could hear me coming, ending their conversation as I appeared on the landing.
“Zack is here.” Hopefully, the smile I forced to my face was convincing.
“Oh, wonderful!” Mary exclaimed, pure joy lighting over her face as she put a hand on Wyatt’s arm before walking past me and down the stairs.
I looked back to my boyfriend, my smile dimming slightly before I turned and followed her back down to the main floor. He’d looked like he wanted to say something—or maybe it was just my imagination. I heard him a few steps behind me as we joined the rest of his family.
Mary Olsen embraced her other son, my eyes straying back to Wyatt who watched her intently—as though if he let her out of his sight, she was bound to let something slip that he didn’t want me to know. Like that because I’d told him I loved him, he expected me to move to another country with him.
But nothing of the sort happened. Surprisingly, with another glass of wine, dinner went really well; if my heart hadn’t been breaking, it would have been the perfect ending to the perfect day—meeting the parents of the man that I loved, talking with them, laughing with them, feeling like a part of their family.
I wanted it. I wanted it so badly.
But I couldn’t leave Aspen. I couldn’t leave Colorado—not even for Wyatt.
When we got back to the condo, I made my excuses for why I should head home, not in the least of which was to check on Ally which put Zack on my side.
“Everything ok, gorgeous?” Wyatt asked me quietly as he helped me put my jacket on.
“Yeah, just an eventful day.” I smiled. “I told Emmett about the triple earlier so he wants me to ride with him tomorrow morning.”
“Ok.” He looked a little disappointed. “I should probably spend some time taking these two,” he rolled his eyes over to his parents, “around before my afternoon practice. Meet for dinner?”
“I-I had to add a few hours to my shift because I took off last night and tonight, so I’ll probably be eating while I work.”
“Oh, ok.”
I needed to get out of there. I needed to think. “I’ll text you tomorrow.” I moved around him to say my goodbyes to his parents, making promises to see them later this week that I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep.
Wyatt came outside with me, walking me to my Jeep even though it was parked right out front of his condo.
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
“What do you mean?”
“With my mom.” He somehow knew that that was on my mind. “She’s been helping me with this project, but it’s not going as smoothly as I hoped.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “It’s not your fault. Or hers. I just have to get on the phone with a few people and confirm the details on Monday and then I want to talk to you.”
“About what?” My nervous laugh betrayed me.
“Us.” He pulled me against him. “The future.”
In Canada? I wanted to blurt out, but I held my tongue. The sad truth was that as much as I adamantly refused to move, there was a part of me that was already arguing how to make it work—that I needed to make it work for him because this kind of love doesn’t happen all the time.
“But not tonight.” He kissed my forehead and I released the breath that had been building inside of me. “Text me when you get home, gorgeous.” I wanted to tear my gaze from his, knowing that he would see right into the broken pieces of my heart, but I couldn’t pull away. As much as I wanted to distance myself from the hurt, all my body wanted was to draw closer to him.
His hand came up to cup my face and my eyes closed anticipating the kiss that I still craved. “I know something is bothering you, Channing. Just know that I’m here whenever you want to talk about it.” And then he kissed my lips softly. “Just know that I love you.”
I linked my arms around his neck and crushed my lips to his. His words tore tears from my eyes that I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to hurt. I wanted to kiss him and forget about everything that would stop me from being with him no matter the cost. He groaned and kissed me back just like I needed, his tongue wiping away all my worries. His body was a hard rock that I clung to amidst the storm.
Soon there was only us. Wyatt growled against my mouth. “You should go, gorgeous, if that’s what you want. Otherwise, I’m about to throw you into your back seat and figure out the fastest way to get inside of you.”
I shivered. The idea sounded so deliciously tempting. But I needed to go home.
“Goodnight.” I pressed my mouth to his one last time before I stepped back and opened my car door.
His eyes were glassy with desire as he watched me climb into the Jeep, shutting the door once I was settled.
I made it a half a mile outside of the condo development before I burst into tears.
FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE mountain had no answers for me. It was there—solid and silent—beneath my feet. But no matter how many times I pounded into its snow-covered surface, it refused to respond.
The wind whipped snow across my face as Emmett swung to a stop in front of me. “You planning on riding this morning, Lil? Or just crying and feeling sorry for yourself?” Dick.
I glowered at him. Maybe it had been a mistake to ask him to ride. He was the only one I could count on. And he was as close to Chance as I had.
“You aren’t going to win the Games by sitting there.” I scowled even further. I was supposed to withdraw today. I’d planned on going after my lessons on my way to Breakers, but now I wasn’t sure.
The mountain was all I had. Even though it didn’t answer me, it also wouldn’t leave me. It wouldn’t force me to choose.
Losing Wyatt was going to take a piece of me that I didn’t think was replaceable, but I could at least try to disguise that loss with a win. And now that I had landed the triple again, a part of me begged to stay in the competition and prove to myself that I could do it—and that I didn’t need Wyatt.
“I was thinking of dropping out today,” I said to no one in particular.
“Because of Olsen?” He scoffed. “Do whatever the hell you want. I think it’s fucking hysterical you think you can get away with being Chance. I, personally, just want to see it.”
“I was… but I don’t know anymore.”
He stomped his board. “Fuck, Lil. If you got something to say, then fucking say it. But I’ll warn you right now, I’m not a fucking therapist.”
“I think he’s starting a
business back in Canada and he wants me to move with him,” I replied, my gaze moving from the snow in front of me to the surprise on Emmett’s face. “I can’t move.”
“So then break up with him.” I laughed and shook my head.
“I’m in love with him.”
His hands smacked the side of his helmet. “Well, fuck.”
“My sentiments exactly.” I fell back into the snow.
“So then move. Your sister did. Your brother did.” He paused. “Well I guess he technically didn’t move, he just left.”
“I-I don’t know. I can’t leave Ally or you guys. This is my home.”
“Did he actually ask you to move?” I silently shook my head in the negative. “Christ. What is it with women? Then how do you fucking know that that’s what he wants?” He shook his head, laughing harder. “You want my advice, my therapy session? Talk to him. And as much as I want you to stay in the Games incognito because I want to see Olsen get trashed by his girlfriend, I told you once before to stop living in your brother’s shadow; this is literally the epitome of that. FYI, my rate is three-hundred bucks an hour—I’ll bill you.”
At least living in Chance’s shadow was safe.
I rolled my eyes. “I will talk to him. But if that is the case, I want to be prepared for it; I want to be prepared with an answer. And I don’t want him to find out that I lied to him about Chance. But, if he leaves and I-I don’t do this… I will have lost so much more.”
“And what if Chance is back?”
“Have you…” My eyes widened.
“No,” he answered curtly.
After the other night, there had been nothing suspicious. I tried to call my brother again but it went straight to voicemail. I mean, there was a chance that he could have given someone else a key, but no, he was back.
“Why would he do this?” I wondered aloud. “Why would he come back and hide from us? His friends? His family?” I stared down the slope, feeling the cold air freeze the moisture brewing in my eyes. “Why bother coming back at all?”
“Because he’s a dick.” I glowered angrily at him for his callousness. “What? Don’t give me that look, Lil. You know you’ve thought it, too. Yeah, we all feel bad for the fucker, but life sucks. Trust me, I know how it feels to be stuck with a hand that you never imagined you’d be dealt.” He huffed. “I guess everyone deals with it in their own way, but if running is how you’re going to do it, then run. Don’t creep back here.”
“Do you think he heard that ‘he’ was competing in the X Games?” I saw the coverage that had been on the other night at Big Louie’s, but what was the likelihood that he’d seen it wherever he was… unless he was keeping tabs on the game. But that would be like torture knowing that he wasn’t competing.
Emmett shrugged. “Maybe. But I would have come right to you and smacked you upside the head.” I threw a snowball at him. “You know what I mean… Unless he doesn’t realize that it’s you that’s doing it. Who knows? Who knows what he’s thinking? And who cares? If he wants to be here, he’ll be here.”
I wished I did know. I used to.
“Well, then maybe I should stay in the competition and see if it draws him out.”
I heard him curse underneath his breath. “I don’t get you. Either of you women Ryder’s for that matter. Then just do whatever you want. But right now, we’re sitting in the middle of the park, so how about you just practice your triple because riding requires no thinking.”
“What’s going on between you and Ally?”
His face darkened dangerously. “We hate each other, Channing. Sorry. Not much I can do about it and I sure as shit don’t need a friendly therapy session to figure it out.” And with that, he spun and carved down the slope.
I pushed myself up and headed towards the next kicker.
Funny how when I met Wyatt, I was only worried about pulling my triple together. Now, I had the triple down… and it was everything else that was falling apart.
I threw myself into the rest of my day, trying to focus every ounce of mental energy on my ride, my lessons, my job. Wyatt and I texted back and forth throughout; he’d taken his parents around the town of Aspen earlier in the morning and had spent the afternoon preparing for the Games; the Slopestyle run was on Thursday, and qualifiers were on Wednesday. I responded to him as though his future after the competition wasn’t threatening to tear us apart. I responded to him like everything was still perfect, each time hoping that it was, only to stop and remember that it all hung in the balance.
When I got home, I checked my phone once last time.
-Hope your night was good, gorgeous. Wish I was sleeping next to you again.
~Me too.
-I have a business call tomorrow morning now. I tried to move it later, but it was the only time.
~It’s ok. I told Emmett I would ride with him this week since I’ve been MIA.
-Alright. Can I see you after work Tuesday?
I didn’t respond right away. Burying deeper underneath the covers, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to have the discussion. I was afraid of the discussion. I could move with him. I wanted to be with him. That was the part that scared me the most—not leaving, not what would happen to my friends or family, but the fact that I felt like I could do it so easily, without thinking twice, if it meant staying with him. I felt like I was betraying my sister with my feelings. And like Emmett said again earlier, dropping out of the Games, moving away, it would all be stepping—no, leaping—out of Chance’s shadow, out of the path that we’d been following for our whole lives. For someone who was so comfortable with risking my life, when it came to doing it in this manner, I was petrified.
~Yes, but I work late, I texted back before I could think the better of it.
-I’d wait all night to see you, gorgeous.
It wasn’t fair that even just texting me, he could make my pulse race and my thighs clench together. I waited another minute to see if he was going to say something else—to see if he was going to say ‘I love you’—but nothing ever came.
I was a coward. It was as simple as that.
Turning off the Jeep, I stepped down into the crunch of icy snow covering our driveway. I left work early tonight, claiming that I wasn’t feeling well and I only texted Wyatt about it on my way home.
I was a coward. But if I didn’t talk to him, I didn’t have to hear how his future after the Games was in Canada; I didn’t have to make any hard choices. I told myself that the purgatory of ignorance was better than the finality of knowing.
I unlocked the door, walking into the kitchen and tossing my keys onto the counter.
“Oh, it’s you.” Ally’s rush down the staircase slowed when she saw me. “Everything ok? I didn’t think you’d be home from work this early.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling well.” Opening the fridge, I pulled out a can of La Croix, popping the top and taking a satisfying sip.
She made her way into the kitchen. “What’s going on?”
I shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Are we really going to do this?” She put her elbows on the counter, resting her chin in her hands.
“I’m just… at a loss. I haven’t talked to Wyatt about what you told me. At first, I didn’t really have a chance. But then he wanted to talk tonight and instead I chickened out and came home early from work.”
“Why? Why wouldn’t you want to know?”
“Because knowing makes it final, Al. Knowing means he’s actually leaving with or without me. Knowing means that I can no longer pretend like everything is going to be ok.”
“Well you can’t avoid him forever.”
I groaned. “I know. I just feel like everything is up in the air—Wyatt, our relationship, his future, my future, the Games…”
Her eyes narrowed. “I thought you withdrew from the competition?”
Crap. I ducked my head. “I… was going to and then you told me about Wyatt and… I couldn’t.”
“Channing, how could yo
u?” The look on her face was the one that held me back time and again—the look that I’d let someone down.
“You don’t understand, Al. Riding is who I am. Yes, there are other parts of me, but somehow, I can’t seem to find them without Wyatt. I can’t give up the only part of me that I know won’t go anywhere, especially if he is leaving.” I stared at the can, my fingers toying with the tab until it snapped off from the top. “I can’t quit. I’d be letting myself down. I’d be letting Chance down. This was supposed to be for him.” I wasn’t going to admit how that was part of the problem.
“Channing!” My eyes flew to hers. She’d never yelled at me before; I’d only ever seen her this mad at Emmett. “Stop being a child.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re being a child and you’re running away. I may be your younger sister, but I know this because I’ve done it. Why do you think I moved back to this horribly cold place? You think that everything is up in the air because you like to think you can just live up in the clouds, on the mountain, away from your problems; you can’t. It’s time to come back down to Earth where we deal with our problems—our fears.” I was in shock. Ally was fuming and at the same time looked like she could burst into tears. I was stunned speechless. “I know I said you can’t move to Canada, but if that’s what it takes for you to be with Wyatt—which I’m assuming is what you want—then that’s what I want for you; I want you to be happy—and that doesn’t mean you doing whatever you think will make me happy or protect me—or Chance for that matter, if he were here.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“You need to stop running and talk to Wyatt. Fear can make us do stupid things—especially the fear of letting the ones we love down. It can make you move to Colorado even when you hate the cold. It can make you mess up a jump that you know you can land. And it can make you flee the hospital, with no note, no message, no explanation to any of your friends or family who care about you.” The back of her hand rose quickly to brush a tear from her cheek. “We’re all guilty of it, Channing, all of us. But I’m telling you right now that what I see between you and Wyatt is the real thing—it’s doing the impossible trick, landing the impossible kicker, winning the impossible gold; it’s everything worth fighting for. So, don’t let me down, don’t let Wyatt down, don’t let yourself down—don’t give up.”
The Winter Games Page 30
