“Don’t apologize, Chance. I-I just wish you’d let me be there for you.”
He turned into the resort. The place was teaming with people since it was right in the middle of the season.
“Don’t know who you’d be there for,” he replied making my stomach clench. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Al. That’s the problem. I’ve lost who I was.” The car came to a stop. “It sounds fucking stupid, but I don’t know who I am without this… I’m just glad that Channing is happy and that you… well, you’ve always been a ray of sunshine,” I cringed at the name Emmett called me. “I’m just glad that neither of you have to know what this feels like—to lose everything including yourself.”
My throat constricted to the point where if I wasn’t so sad, I’d be afraid I was choking. Nodding, I mumbled something that I hoped sounded like ‘sorry’ and stepped down from his car. Frozen in my tracks, I watched him drive away.
I did know.
I wanted to tell him that I did know what it was like to lose everything. But who would believe that from the ‘ray of sunshine’? Bright, white, and happy—no one sees that it’s only because I’m burning up from the inside out.
“Hey! I was wondering if I would see you this morning!” Tammy’s smile could thaw the entire mountain. And her intuition rivaled that of Sherlock Holmes. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah.” I tried to smile, grabbing my apron off the hook and heading behind the bar. “What can I get ya?”
“I already ordered.” Her hand clamped around my arm and pulled me back. “Hey, what’s going on?”
Mom-mode engaged.
“Nothing.” I pinched my temples. “Everything,” I groaned.
“Hey, calm down,” she comforted me softly. “Ok, sounds like a girls’ night is in order. Let me talk to Jessa at work today and see if she’s free tonight. You guys can come over to my place.” She always knew what to do, what to say.
I smiled gratefully.
“Sounds good.”
“And then you both can stay over.” She didn’t have to say it for me to know that option was always on the table. And tonight, I had no desire to go home to an empty house and, even more devastatingly, an empty bed. “Good?” she asked when I didn’t respond. I nodded again. “Ok, good. I have to head over to my lessons. I’ll pick you up after your shift.”
This was why I needed girlfriends in my life.
Cup of Joe wasn’t too busy this morning, although I wasn’t there when it opened at seven. Hannah had taken the early shift and probably already dealt with the rush.
The day passed in a blur and even the perpetual, penetrating scent of freshly-brewed espresso couldn’t clear the fog in my mind. Mostly I focused on whatever task was at hand, my brain too exhausted for much more. Sometimes, I focused on the back seat in the corner, the ‘King’s’ throne when he was in residence. Empty now.
“Hey, Al.” Ow, neck cramp. My head jerked up too quickly at my sister’s greeting me with that ‘I’m-in-love’ smile that nothing and no one could wipe from her face. I hated myself for hating her for it. “Sorry about this morning. Wyatt and I… ahh…” Her face flushed and I really didn’t need her to finish her excuse.
“Don’t worry about it. Chance got me.”
“I’ll bring you home though when I’m done.”
“It’s ok. I’m going over Tammy’s tonight.” I kept my eyes down as I made my sister’s usual mocha.
“Oh… ok,” she stammered. “I thought that maybe we could talk.”
“Oh?” I put the whipped cream on top without even asking if she wanted it or not. “About what?”
“Hey there, gorgeous.” Wyatt came up behind her and pulled her into his arms.
Was it bad that I might have dropped a few tears into my sister’s coffee?
I went on to making the next drink on the bar, waiting for their reunion to come to an end.
“Hey, Ally,” Wyatt greeted. I turned to give him a smile.
Is it possible to be so happy and yet so sad about something at the same time? That’s what seeing the two of them did to me.
Wyatt’s expression though told me everything I needed to know about what Channing wanted to talk to me about. Zack.
“Hey.” I gave him my biggest smile because being pitied sucked. I’d lived—I’d drowned—in pity for the year before I moved here; I wasn’t looking to go back.
“Are you around tomorrow?” My sister asked and stared eagerly at me.
“Um… sure.” There was a whole day between now and then for me to pull myself together.
“Awesome. I’ll be home in the morning to start packing some stuff. We can do lunch together,” she suggested.
I just nodded, but she barely even saw as Wyatt whispered something in her ear and she became lost in their world.
I was happy for her. I was. Even Dylan and I hadn’t been like that.
“Shit.” I pulled my hand back from where I’d been scrubbing the frother on the espresso machine mindlessly for the past few minutes. Two red spots tattooed my thumb and forefinger from where I’d burned them.
They were leaving on Monday for Canada for a three-week working vacation—working for him, vacation for her. You didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that he was going to propose at some point along the trip. They were starting in Montreal with his family, then Quebec, and then a week out west, dividing their time between Banff and Lake Louise.
Honestly, I wasn’t jealous. I didn’t have anything left with which to be jealous. All I wanted was to not fall apart. To survive.
And that’s what I focused on minute by minute until the minutes of work were done.
TAMMY
MEET ME OVER BY THE SCHOOL. I’M ALMOST DONE.
For the first time since I moved, I stopped on the walk over to the ski school and just stood there, looking up at the mountain: a giant white wall rising above me, the people tiny specks along its surface. Maybe Tammy could try to teach me to ski again.
Zack had tried the other week and it had been a disaster. Surfing had been easy for me to learn. Skiing, on the other hand, my brain seemed unable to process. I’d almost been tempted to say that maybe I should learn how to snowboard, but I’d been around my siblings long enough to know that the rivalry between the two sports was very real—and at that point, I didn’t want to disappoint my date. Tammy had tried her best to salvage the attempt, but I still chalked the afternoon up as a complete and utter failure.
Someone bumped into me and broke my trance.
For the first time since I moved, it felt like the mountain was calling to me. Only, I seemed to be physically incapable of answering it.
“Jessa said she’ll be here in five,” Tammy said as she unlocked the door to her small condo. Somehow, she managed to make the space look like it came right out of a Pottery Barn catalog even though I knew she would never spend the money for anything from that store.
The cozy, one-bedroom that was about fifteen minutes from the resort. It was in a nicer community that she’d splurged on only because of the security that they provided for their residents.
“What do you want to drink?” she asked.
“How about the red wine I brought over the other week?” The only alcohol she kept in the house was the stuff that Jessa and I brought so I always knew exactly what was there. “You should probably pour Jessa a glass, too,” I added.
Speaking of… Tammy handed me my wine just as our third wheel came crashing through the door.
“Hey, ladies!” She exclaimed, relaxing back against the door for a second. Her pink hair was a wavy disaster, snowflakes caught in the curls. “Sorry it took so long.”
“You weren’t at Open Hearts this late, were you?” Our mom-ager responded right on cue. Jess and I gave each other a knowing look. “What!” Even Tammy couldn’t help but smile at her conditioned response, handing Jessa the other glass of wine.
“No. I was doing a reading for a friend.” Jess was into Tarot cards—and from what
I knew, pretty good with them.
Free-spirit: (n.) someone who goes with the flow. Synonyms: Jessa Madison.
“Oh! That sounds like fun.”
She plopped down on the tan couch next to me. Everything in Tammy’s condo was calm neutrals. Nothing overly exciting. Everything in order and its place.
“We could do one if you want,” she offered enthusiastically.
“Speaking of parties,” Tammy walked over from the kitchen with her classic cup of tea, “what are we doing for your birthday, Ally?”
Crap. How did she know?
“I don’t know.” I sunk deeper into the couch. “Nothing.”
“Um, we aren’t doing nothing. I didn’t know your birthday was coming up! Why have you been holding out on us, Al?” Jess polished off her glass.
“Because it’s February thirteenth. Basically Valentine’s Day. And the last thing I want to do is go out and celebrate and see all the other lovey-dovey, vomit-inducing couples.” Overly dramatic, even for me, but I had enough to hold in.
“I don’t care if it’s the Pope’s birthday the next day, it’s your twenty-first birthday. There is no effing way you are getting away without a party or celebration of some sort.”
“I agree with Jess. We are doing something—even if it’s here. Not to mention I promised your sister who threatened me bodily harm if I didn’t.” So, that’s how Tam knew.
“She threatened to create a mess in your apartment, didn’t she?” I asked wryly.
Tammy blushed. Nailed it. “And make a mess of the equipment room at the school; you know I can’t stand a mess.”
“We know,” Jess interrupted. “Which is why I’m vetoing your idea; we are not celebrating here because that would be wallowing—only made worse because we’d have to be wallowing clean freaks.”
“Guys…” I groaned. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this.
“No, Al. Just think, it’ll just be an extra-special Gal-entine’s Day event.”
“I don’t know.” I stared off at Tammy who was lighting two Vanilla Musk candles that were on her coffee table. I loved that smell.
“You don’t have to.” Jessa smirked at me, trying to tame her rainbow mane with a braid. “Big Louie’s is having karaoke that night. I know you can’t turn that down.”
Double crap. Me and my stupid karaoke obsession.
“Jess…” Tammy cautioned. “If you don’t want to, Al, we don’t have to. I don’t want you to feel any worse.”
“No, we are not compromising yet.” She held up her finger to Tammy and looked at me. “Alright, lady, spill.”
I swirled what was probably one last sip in my glass. “Zack and I broke up last night. He’s moving back to Canada for school. Leaving with Wyatt and my sister on Monday.”
“Oh my God. What a shithead!” she yelled.
“Jessa!”
“Sorry, mom.” Really she was sorry-not-sorry. Plucking the wine glass from my hand, she walked into the kitchen and I knew she was refilling both before I even heard the cork pop.
“I’m so sorry, Ally. I know you two got really close, really fast. I’m sure this is so hard.” She was truly the kindest soul. “Is there any chance he could change his mind? Or that he’ll come back?”
I shook my head, taking the refilled glass of wine from Jessa.
Tammy looked up at our friend, observing, “You are suspiciously silent…”
“You want to know what I think?” she drawled slowly; her eyes narrowed on me, the witchy-hazel color changing as she seemed to stare into my soul. “I don’t think you’re really that upset.” Tammy looked like she was about to fall off the couch. “I mean, you’re upset. But I don’t think you cared for him like you wished you did.”
She wasn’t wrong.
“Jessa!” Tammy shushed.
“No, Tam,” I sighed, admitting, “she’s kind of right.” My eyes squeezed shut, feeling the fog coming over my brain again. Self-defense mechanism to avoid pain. “I don’t know. What am I saying? I like him. I’m sad he’s leaving me—or am I just sad he’s leaving? Honestly, I’m lost.” I punctuated my statement with a long sip of wine.
“Ally, what’s going on? What aren’t you telling us?” Tammy knew I was holding back. Of course, I should share with them about Emmett, but how did I explain how something that could never mean anything meant something?
“No. That’s not going to help her. Why don’t you let me read you, Al?” Jessa interrupted, leveling me with a serious stare. “You too, if you want, Tammy.”
Falling in with her free-spirit tendencies, Jessa was all about energies; she practiced yoga and reiki on the regular. Emotive to the point of distraction, her Tarot readings weren’t the creepy fortune teller kind, but a way to shockingly clarify what could be a maze of emotions. But this was the first time she’d offered to do it for either of us—at least that I knew about.
Two glasses of wine in, sure, why not?
“Well, it can’t confuse me any more than I already am, right?” A rhetorical question. Tammy curled into the corner of the couch, chewing on her lip while Jess went to grab her deck from her car. She looked nervous; I’d never seen her nervous before.
“You ok?” I asked.
She quickly gave me a vigorous, but unconvincing, nod. “Of course!”
We sat in perfect silence as Jess shuffled the deck over and over and over again, mumbling something about transferring energy into the deck. The sun was almost set, Tammy’s living room illuminated by the dim overhead light and the two candles she’d lit before, their scent completely permeating the space.
There was a heaviness in the air like there was something brewing, about to be released. This wine did have a slightly higher alcohol content, too.
“Ok, Ally.” She placed the deck on the table. “If you could cut the deck for me.” I reached out—“With your left hand, please.”
Switching hands, I did as she asked. “Now, Ally. Keep in mind this isn’t a crystal ball. This isn’t what will happen. There are no absolutes.”
I nodded, watching as she took the deck and laid out cards in a cross-like fashion: Three across and then one above the middle card and one below it.
One by one, she flipped the cards over, starting with the one in the very center.
Hermit.
“This card represents your present,” Jessa began with a steady calm to her voice that was rarely there. It made her slight southern accent distinct when it was normally absent from her speech. “The Reversed Hermit. Too much time spent on inner reflection, cutting yourself off from others.” She glanced up at me, her eyes narrowing.
“Zack?” I whispered. Personally, I had come here to cut myself off from everything. But in a relationship?
“Is it?” Of course she wouldn’t be able to answer that for me.
And no, it wasn’t Zack.
It was him—the one I didn’t want to leave and the one who’d sworn he’d never stay.
Next she turned the card on the right.
“Five of Cups.” This one was upright. “Your past. Wallowing in regret and self-pity over what has been lost, viewing the future with a hopelessness instead of with potential.” She didn’t turn to me—she didn’t have to—they were the only two here who knew about Dylan; it didn’t need to be said aloud. She flipped over the card on the right.
“Lovers.” Gulp. “Your future, Ally. A strong, soulmate connection and a deeply intense sexual connection.”
Next was the bottom card. “Knight of Cups.”
I looked to her, waiting for more.
“The Knight of Cups. Someone in your past ruled with his heart over his head. Charming and attractive, he brought a whole different emotional experience into your life.” Her lip quivered as she looked at me. “The veritable knight in shining armor. This card—he—is the reason for your hopelessness.”
Dylan. My knight in shining armor. Gone.
I tipped my wine glass up even though there was nothing left inside of it.
“I’m sorry,” Jess whispered. Her voice was strained for hurting me but unable to stop. She turned over the last card.
“The Sun.”
I coughed even though there was nothing in my mouth. The Sun. Sunshine.
“This represents your potential.” Finally tearing her gaze away from the telling cards, she asked, “Are you ok?”
I nodded and waved her on.
A slight nod, like she was being called to the stand and asked to testify.
“In this moment, you are a hermit, secluding yourself off from the world and those who care about you. Maybe not all of them, but the ones who have the greatest potential to hurt you.” Her fingers trailed over the card. “More than that, you have been put in a position of unwelcome isolation in a relationship, where one person wants to deepen the connection while the other is withdrawing. Perhaps isolation from Zack, isolation from your brother, your sister, or isolation… from someone else.”
True. All of it.
“The past that has influenced where you are now is the Five of Cups. You are alone because you feel regret about the past and hopeless about the future. You are hurting and afraid that moving forward will only bring more of the same. This has caused the hermit to be reflected as upside-down since you have chosen to dig your head into the sand, only allowing yourself to feel what you deem is a safe amount of emotion.” She looked at me again and then over to Tammy. “Is this sounding true?”
It felt like a giant rock in my throat. “Just keep going.” Scratchy and hoarse, I begged.
“Your future is Lovers—a card with more meanings than most. In your case, both an insurmountable attraction to someone as well as a big decision. Perhaps the insurmountable attraction has led to this decision of which way to choose. Do you pursue the one who is withdrawing from you? If he is your soulmate, do you fight for him?”
“Zack?” Tammy asked from the background.
It could never be Zack. There was only one person who it could be.
Sensing my hesitation to correct her, Jessa continued, “the reason for your regret is the Knight of Cups, your Knight in Shining Armor.”
The Winter Games Page 52
