by James Comins
“That’s my official title for official occasions,” she muttered back.
“Who’s he?” asked one of the fire guards, pointing at the shepherd’s son.
“He’s with me,” the tin princess replied.
The guard scratched his head fierily. “D’you think they’re for serious, Firesteve?”
“Dunno, Firepete. What if they are and we don’t let ‘em in?”
“Bad news, and no doubt about it.” The guards nodded and led the stone shepherd’s son and the tin princess down more stairs to the throne room.
On the throne was a big, burly, bearded king made of fire. He wore a tall fiery crown and sat very straight on his huge iron throne.
“Who’s this?” roared the fire king to the guards. “Stone? Tin? What’s wrong with their skin? Why are they here?” The big man of fire leaned forward from his iron throne. “I don’t like their looks. They look cold and wimpy. Throw them in the lava pit and see if they burn!” He laughed. “If they can’t take the heat, they’re no one I’ll meet. Now hurry up!”
Chapter Twelve
The stone shepherd’s son and the tin princess started to babble “but-but-but,” but the guards forced them down a side passage apologetically.
“The boss likes everyone to be tough,” said Firesteve, his big fiery hand on the shepherd’s son’s shoulder, explaining. “He likes tough guys. He says even girls ought to be tough. So we gotta test you out or send you away without an audience.”
“Is it okay if I take my coat off? It’s got wood in it,” the stone shepherd’s son asked.
“Acourse. Yer stuff doesn’t matter, so long as you’re tough,” said Firepete.
Off to one side of the hallway was a path leading to a lavafall. Heat came roiling out the minute they approached. The pool below the splashing lavafall bubbled and glurped.
“The pit ain’t very deep,” said Firesteve. “Just stand under the lavafall for a minute and then you can see the boss for real.”
So the shepherd’s son took off his coat, the tin princess rolled up her crinkly sleeves, and they stepped into the lava.
“Yuck,” said the princess. “I’m going to sweat.”
“It’s not too bad,” the shepherd’s son said. “It’s like shearing the stones in the summer. Hot work, but the stones feel so much better when you’re done.”
“Huh,” said the princess. “Farming sounds boring.”
The shepherd’s son stuck out his tongue.
“All right, all right,” said Firepete. “Yer tougher than you look. Let’s go see the king again.” The shepherd’s son grabbed his coat and the princess brushed her sleeves flat.
When they got out to the corridor, a crowd of fire people passed by them carrying two piles of melted widgets and sprockets. The shepherd’s son caught a glimpse of a familiar face among the fire people.
“I know you,” he said, turning to her. “You’re the fire girl I met outside my father’s farm. Remember?”
“Who’s that?” the fire girl sneered, pointing at the tin princess.
“Um, this is the, um, aluminum princess,” he said. “I’m helping her find her missing mom.”
“Are you,” the fire girl said, crossing her arms. “Are you really. You just love helping people, don’t you?”
“It’s a good thing to do,” the confused shepherd’s son replied.
“Only when it’s me you’re helping!” shouted the fire girl. “I’d like you to give me my heart back, please.”
The stone shepherd’s son looked at the fire girl. “You’re really different than I thought you were.” He gave her back the heart-shaped charcoal with the little flicker of fire. It had almost gone out.
Placing it back where it belonged, the fire girl walked away.
Chapter Thirteen
The shepherd’s son and the tin princess followed the guards in awkward silence back to the throne room.
“Look what the cat dragged back!” grunted the fire king. “Hot enough to make you tough. Now. What do you want?”
“My mother, the silver queen, is missing,” said the princess. “There was a rumor that the Bad Birds got her. We were wondering if you knew where she’s at.”
“The Bad Birds are controlled by the Mechanical Empire,” said the fire king. “If the Bad Birds took her, that’s where she is. We can take you there, but there’s a problem.”
“What’s the problem?” asked the tin princess.
“We’re at war,” said the king. “The mechanical empress is building a water cannon to flood the caves and snuff us all out. If you’re willing to be spies for the kingdom of fire and sneak in and destroy the cannon, we’ll help you find your mom.”
The stone shepherd’s son frowned. “Couldn’t we just go there ourselves? Then we wouldn’t get in trouble if they ask us why we’re there.”
“Oh, you can’t get in looking like that!” laughed the king. “You’ll both need disguises. Plus, the entrance is hidden. Good luck finding it without us.”
“And just think,” said Firepete. “You’d be saving lives.”
“Don’t interrupt me!” The fire king frowned. “Yeah, what he said.”
“I don’t like anybody telling me what to do,” sniffed the tin princess.
“Then you’ve obviously never worked on a farm,” said the shepherd’s son, smiling. “On a farm, if you don’t finish your chores the way you’re told, then you won’t have anything to bring to market. Besides, sometimes other people already know the right thing to do.”
“Obviously I’ve never worked on a farm,” said the princess, flicking her hair. “And anyways. Sometimes people just want to trick you! What if they aren’t really at war at all?”
The king glared at her.
“Well, what’s the best way to find your mom?” asked the shepherd’s son.
“I dunno. Let’s be spies,” the tin princess said.
So the fire king installed fake mechanical arms below their real arms. They each got a little mustache and a hat, and the guards led them through tunnels to a secret door.
“Remember,” said Firesteve, “you’ve got to get rid of the water cannon or we’re finished. Just because we might be lying doesn’t mean we are!”
“And we’re not!” added Firepete.
With that, the guards opened the secret door and ushered them inside.
Chapter Fourteen
Giant glowing crystals stuck out from the walls of the tunnel. The secret door shut. The tunnel behind them looked like a dead end now. Ahead were more and more glittering lights. They walked through the crystal cave.
“Okay. Let’s practice what we’re going to say. If they ask us who we are . . .?” said the tin princess.
“Just say we’re spies. No, wait. Don’t. We should tell them we’re a shepherd’s son and a princess and we’re looking for your mom. Right?”
The tin princess grinned. “See? It was a good idea to practice. Now don’t be stupid and blurt out that we’re on a mission to break their water cannon.”
From the cave ceiling, three voices called out:
“You are?”
“She is?”
“Is she?”
The tin princess put her hands over her mouth. “No. I’m not. We’re not. You totally didn’t just hear that.”
Hidden in the shadows, the three voices replied:
“Well, what do you know.”
“Spies, huh?”
“We should tell.”
“No, you definitely shouldn’t,” said the tin princess, looking all around.
“Why?” said the first voice.
“Yeah,” said the second.
“Yeah, why shouldn’t we tell?” said the third.
“You’d get in so much trouble,” said the stone shepherd’s son, thinking fast. “No one likes a tattler.”
Three mysterious shapes dropped from the dark ceiling, but they never reached the floor. They were robot geckos with beady robot eyes. They hung from the ceiling by their
long robot tails like opossums.
“A tattler?” said the first. “Who cares? Who cares if we get in trouble?”
“I do!” said the second.
“I do!” said the third.
“So much trouble,” the tin princess whispered. “Everyone would be mad at you. You shouldn’t tell.”
“I don’t want to get in trouble, but we’re supposed to report everything important to the empress,” said the second gecko nervously.
“I just don’t want to get in trouble!” screeched the third gecko, and he ran away.
“Um,” said the shepherd’s son. “We’re here to save lives and help people and stop a war. If you go and tell, terrible things might happen. Innocent people could get hurt. You shouldn’t tell.”
“Saving lives? Helping people? Who cares? I’m going to tell just to get you into trouble. Who cares about helping?” the first gecko said.
“I do!” said the second gecko. “How could you even say that? They’re trying to save lives and stop a war and all you want to do is watch them get shouted at! I’m not telling.” And the second gecko scurried away.
“So, it’s down to you and me,” said the first gecko. “Go on. Try and convince me not to tell anybody.” He rubbed his metal hands together.
The tin princess and the stone shepherd’s son looked at each other and shrugged.
“I dare you not to tell,” the princess said.
“Ha! I don’t take dares,” the gecko replied, crossing his arms.
“You’d only tell if you were chicken,” tried the shepherd’s son.
“Nuh uh. I’d only tell if I was lizard. And I am!” replied the gecko. “I’ll give you one more try.”
“Well then, I guess we should just let you tell,” said the tin princess.
“Huh?” said the gecko.
“Huh?” said the shepherd’s son.
“Yeah, just go and tell,” she went on. “Obviously you just do whatever people tell you to do.”
“No I don’t,” grumped the gecko. “I decide what to do. I’m a rebel. I make up my own mind. I don’t do anything I’m told.”
“We’re telling you to tattle,” said the stone shepherd’s son.
“Ha! Then I won’t. You can’t tell me what to do. I’ll never tell anyone.” And the first gecko ran away.
Chapter Fifteen
The tin princess and the stone shepherd’s son high-fived and continued on toward the Mechanical Kingdom.
The glittering caves opened into yet another yawning cavern. They stood at a cliff overlooking a thousand delicate machines, spinning and clicking and hopping, made of a thousand thousand metal pieces socketed together. All of them seemed to have very important purposes, but neither the shepherd’s son nor the princess could figure out what most of them did.
Right at the edge of the cliff was a Ferris wheel with mining cars swooping around like windmill arms. Standing on the cliff was a metal pole with mechanical eyeballs at the top and a horizontal loudspeaker below them. The spindly metal pole tipped forward.
“Hello hello hello!” blared a robot voice from the loudspeaker. “You two must be the spies!”
“We’re just a shepherd’s son and a princess and we’re looking for her mom,” recited the stone shepherd’s son quickly.
“Ah, still incognito, huh? Good. Good! Her Empressness will be most pleased. Have you convinced the fire king to dismantle the lava cannon yet?” The eyeballs blinked expectantly.
The tin princess shot the stone shepherd’s son a look.
“Uh, we met with the fire king,” he said.
“You didn’t melt in the lava!” burbled the metal thing excitedly. “Happy days are here again! The Imperial SuggestionBot was going to send spies made out of wax paper, but I told him that was a dumb idea.” The metal pole looked incredibly proud of itself.
“. . . And the fire king sent us to talk to the empress.”
“Well then, we must hurry you along! Yes, we must! Climb on in!”
Once one of the mining carts reached the top of the cliff, the Ferris wheel operator hopped onto a button and the Ferris wheel screeched to a stop.
“You remember the way to the palace, of course. Under the ridipulator, through the bralambulyzer, and on past the niobium nexus. Right?”
“Right,” they replied. They climbed into the Ferris wheel cart and spun down to the ground floor.
When they got out, the same skinny robot was there to greet them. “Give the Imperial Empress my regards,” he said.
“We will,” said the tin princess.
As they walked through the mountainous twinkling machines spinning above them and whirring beside them, the stone shepherd’s son nudged the princess.
“This could turn out really badly,” he said. “All that has to happen is for them to find out . . .” He deliberately didn’t finish, since all sorts of robots with weird squiggly metal faces were examining them as they passed.
“Yeah. I know,” the tin princess replied. “But all we need to do is seem really brave and not tell them the truth.”
“That’s sort of the part that bothers me.” He stopped walking. “We’re lying to everybody.”
“Stone boy.” The tin princess clapped her hands against the shepherd’s son’s cheeks, so that he got fish lips. “Tell me exactly what lies you’ve told so far.”
“Um,” he mumbled. “I said ... I mean, I . . .”
“You haven’t told any. Neither have I. You’re, like, ten times as honest as anybody. All we’re doing is looking for my mom. Right?”
“Yeah,” the shepherd’s son said through fish lips. The tin princess patted his cheek.
“Come on.”
The ridipulator was probably the bridge with all the buckets on strings whizzing dangerously around it. The bralambulyzer might have been the bright green gas-filled room covered in flashing lights with the tunnel through the middle. And maybe, just maybe the niobium nexus was the swoopy orbiting tubes. They hummed as they orbited.
But it wasn’t clear what this ramp clanking with ball bearings was. Or these wheels. Or the pistons, pumping red liquid up a tube leading up to the ceiling. What did they do?
Where was the empress?
When the stone shepherd’s son and the tin princess decided they were finally totally lost, they somehow found themselves in a tangle of wires and columns. In the center was a throne made of pieces of dead and obsolete robots. Two robot slaves with mechanical palm fronds cooled off the giant female robot face with metal spider legs who crouched on the throne.
“Oh my goodness,” whispered the tin princess. The stone shepherd’s son was completely speechless.
Chapter Sixteen
“So. You’re. Back.” screeched the giant robot empress in a toneless, lifeless voice.
“Um um um,” stuttered the tin princess. The stone shepherd’s son just gaped.
“Has. The. Lava. King. Promised. To. Stop. Building. The. Cannon?”
The tin princess straightened her back a little. “The esteemed Lava King sends his regards,” she said in a formal, dignified voice.
“Does. He. Really,” the mechanical empress said skeptically.
“Um, no,” replied the stone shepherd’s son. The tin princess stepped on his foot, but he kept talking anyway: “Actually, he sent us to destroy the water cannon.”
The two slaves waving palm fronds gasped. The mechanical empress started to overheat and steam, and she jabbed them with a spider leg until they remembered to frond her.
“How. Did. He. Find. Out. My. Secret?” the robot empress roared. “I. Must. Finish. It. Sooner. So. I. Can. Threaten. Him. Better.” The giant robot face climbed down from the throne and paced back and forth on clicking pointy legs, frowning. “That. Jerk. Must. Have. Thought. Of. Using. Spies. As. Well.”
“Or he’s guessing,” suggested the shepherd’s son. “Over there, everyone’s made of fire, so a water cannon would be the worst weapon.”
“Hm.” buzzed the empress.
“I. Think. It’s. Spies.” She paced faster. “I’ll. Need. To. Dip. Every. Robot. In. Water. To. Test. Them. For. Fieriness.”
“Your majesty, won’t that short-circuit everybody?” said the princess.
“Exactly. Then. We. Rewire. Them. What. A. Pain. In. The. Butt.” the empress replied. “I. Suppose. We’ll. Have. To. Start. With. You. Two.” She gestured to them. “Come. Along.”
The stone shepherd’s son and the tin princess stared at each other, but they shrugged and followed the head on its spider legs anyways, out of the throne room and around a corner. A giant door with red and yellow caution stripes blocked the corridor. That skinny robot attendant was here, too.
“Ah ha-HA ha ha, what a delight to see you, Your Emprosity! Annnd hello to you, too, Mr. Spy and Miss Spy!”
“Open. Up,” snapped the imperial empress.
The metal thing hopped on a button, and the giant caution door swung open. Inside was a room with a pool of shallow water. On the other side of the room was an elevator cart big enough to hold the empress. Another skinny attendant stood beside it.
“Uh, your majesterialness?” the robot butler beside the elevator said.
“Hm?” said the mechanical empress.
“If you’re going to zap them, would you mind if I close my eyes?”
“Go. Ahead,” said the empress.
It did so.
“Now. Climb. In. You. Two.”
The shepherd’s son and the tin princess held hands and stepped into the pool. The water was warm and came up to their knees. After an awkward moment, the metal elevator attendant peeked.
“Your imperial majesty, I can totally explain,” blurted the princess.
For a moment the empress was furious, then puzzled.
“If. You. Were. Fire. Spies. You. Would. Have. Been. Snuffed.” she said. “And. If. You. Were. Robots. You. Would. Have. Gotten. Zapped.” The giant face looked from one to the other. “So. Who. Are. You?”
The tin princess took off her mustache and hat, then unbuckled the fake robot arms. The shepherd’s son did, too. The princess smoothed out the tin of her dress. “I am the Aluminum Princess, from the golden kingdom. Up there,” she said, pointing at the ceiling. “My dad’s the golden king. My mom, the silver queen, is missing. Stone boy and I are looking for her. The fire king said you might know where she is.”
“Maybe. I. Do,” said the empress.
