by Jeane Watier
“How is your project going?” She didn’t really want to know the details, but it was something to talk about, and the silence seemed hard to take.
“One of the investors backed out on us.”
“Is it serious? Can’t you find someone else?” She wanted to keep the conversation going.
“Maybe. It’s just the timing, and there’s so much money at stake already.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke. He seemed preoccupied. Jenna didn’t think she’d seen him that stressed over a deal before.
She was about to ask how much money and who all was in on it, when Brenton called down wanting a drink. She’d reluctantly agreed to Geoff using ten thousand of their savings to back the deal, and she assumed Jim must have put some in as well, but she didn’t know who else was involved. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
Jenna got up to get a glass of water for Brenton. When she returned, Geoff was on the computer so she decided not to ask any more about his work. She really wanted to know whether he’d be around Saturday to watch the kids so that she could meet with Rachael. “Geoff, do you have a minute?”
“Hold on, babe. I have to finish reworking this proposal. Jim just called. We’re meeting with a potential investor on Saturday,” Geoff replied. “So don’t make any plans. I’ll be gone most of the day.”
Jenna felt a surge of anger, but she walked away before Geoff could notice. She didn’t think that he would anyway; he was so engrossed in what he was doing. She threw a load of clothes in the wash, trying to calm herself down, but what she wanted to do was scream. It’s not fair, she fumed. ‘Don’t make any plans,’ he says. He makes his plans, but he never gives one thought about me!
As she tried to deal with the intensity of the unexpected emotion, Rachael’s words about using anger to take back her power came to mind. However, as angry as Jenna was with Geoff at the moment, she knew there was no way she would be able to confront him with it. She was unsure how to handle it. If I get angry and keep it to myself, is that beneficial? She thought about calling Rachael, but she didn’t know if she’d be at home, or if she’d even appreciate Jenna calling her there. Besides, Jenna didn’t think she could talk to anyone, feeling the way she was.
She tucked the kids in and then went to get ready for bed herself. An idea was trying to get her attention. Write it down. She brushed it off a few times, but it persisted. Jenna wasn’t sure that she wanted to put down on paper what she was feeling; she wasn’t even sure how to start. She’d never kept a journal before, even as a young girl. She was too afraid that someone might read it.
From the top shelf of her closet, she took down a box. In it was a journal that Geoff’s sister had given her for Christmas. It still had the cellophane wrapping on it. She’d been meaning to give it to Chelsea, who was almost nine and loved things like that. Jenna held it for a moment before she slipped off the packaging. The elegant book had a silky fabric cover in a blue and mauve pattern with silver embossed birds. She turned it over in her hands, liking the rich texture. Then she remembered how she’d been feeling, and concluded that writing angry words in such a lovely book was wrong, somehow. She returned it to the box and put it back up on the highest shelf. As she sat down on her bed, her anger flared again.
Write it down.
Trying to ignore the tenacious thought, she turned on the television and mindlessly flipped through the channels. It was useless. Nothing could shift her attention from the issue at hand. She turned the TV off.
He could have at least asked if I had any plans! A new barrage of thoughts inundated her. I know his meetings are important, and they can’t always meet during business hours, but what about my plans? She’d really been looking forward to talking with Rachael again, but it was more than that. She felt that Geoff was taking her for granted.
Write it on scrap paper, and throw it away. The thought was relentless; Jenna knew she had to try. She found an old school notebook of Chelsea’s that was only half used, and tore out several pages. Then she picked up a pen and sat down on the bed again.
I don’t even know where to start, she sighed, twisting the pen in her hand. After several minutes, she began to write what had happened, how her conversation with Geoff had transpired. But after reading it over, she crossed it out. That sounds like a third-page story in a second-rate tabloid. Maybe I should be writing about how I feel instead. She closed her eyes as emotion threatened to overtake her again. That’s easy—I feel hopeless. I feel pathetic. I can’t do this!
She threw the paper aside and began to cry. After a few minutes she went to the bathroom to wash her face. As she looked in the mirror, the anger surfaced again. You are pathetic, she said to the dejected image looking back at her. I hate you!
Back in the bedroom, she grabbed the papers, crumpled them up, and stuffed them in the wastebasket beside her night table. Then she turned out the light and lay silently in the darkened room.
Geoff came in shortly afterward. “Babe, are you still awake?” he asked softly.
Jenna didn’t move a muscle. She didn’t even breathe for several long seconds. She simply listened as he undressed quietly and slipped into bed beside her. She could hear his breathing, even feel his breath on her shoulder. He was inches from her, and yet it seemed like miles. When she heard his soft snoring, the hot tears began to trickle down her cheeks and onto the pillow. Jenna didn’t even try to hold them back.
~
Rachael was humming a favorite tune as she arrived at work. Walking to her desk, she noticed that Jenna was in her office already, so she made a detour and poked her head in the doorway. “Good morning, Jenna. How are you?”
“Okay, I guess.”
Rachael didn’t need to hear any more to know that Jenna was feeling really down again. She wondered whether something had happened since she’d seen Jenna last, or if she’d just been questioning all that they’d talked about. “Are you going to be around for lunch?” she inquired, hoping that they could have a few minutes to talk. She felt responsible for stirring up those feelings in Jenna and wanted to see whether she could help.
“Yeah. I brought my lunch.”
“If you feel like talking…” Rachael didn’t want to pressure her.
“You can join me here if you want,” Jenna offered. “I don’t feel like being around too many people. Would Gail mind?”
“Not at all,” Rachael assured her. “And don’t worry; I haven’t told her what we’ve been talking about—just that you can relate to some of the things that I went through in the past. Besides, this will give her a chance to catch up with some of her other friends. She knows everybody here.”
“Thanks.” Jenna looked relieved. “I didn’t think you’d tell her. I mean...It’s not that it’s a big secret. It’s just…awkward.”
Rachael smiled compassionately. “I know.”
As the morning sped by, Rachael noticed she was feeling a little apprehensive about talking to Jenna; she’d sounded really depressed. It was almost lunch time, but Rachael took a moment to click on her favorite website and read the quote of the day.
You exist…in a place of absolute well-being. Know it. Feel it. Allow it. Be the evidence of it for others so that they will know it a little more, and trust it a little more. Let your life be the one life that is not out of control, so that you can give one other person the reason to believe that all can be well.4
Uplifted, she thanked her Inner Being. It was just what she needed to hear. All can be well, Jenna, she breathed. After stopping in the lunchroom to pick up something at the cafeteria and let Gail know she wouldn’t be joining her, Rachael went to Jenna’s office. Jenna was still busy at her computer when Rachael walked in. “I’m not too early, am I?”
“No, not at all.” Jenna clicked off her monitor and smiled at Rachael. “I appreciate this.”
Rachael pulled up a chair across the desk from Jenna. “You looked kind of down this morning. I thought that maybe I’d given you too much to think about. Are your thoughts driving you
crazy?”
“No,” Jenna started to say. “Well, kind of.” She told Rachael what had happened with Geoff the night before, about how she’d tried to write it down and had felt like such a failure.
“Jenna, you can’t fail,” Rachael reassured her. “And there’s nothing wrong with you, either. You are Source energy. You’re perfect. You’ve just forgotten who you are, that’s all. You have some powerful thoughts that are used to playing loudly. You can’t shut them all off right away; you have to tune them out slowly.
“Think of it like a radio,” Rachael continued. “Who you really are is one channel, and the thoughts you think most often are another channel. You just have to keep turning the dial, and gradually you’ll become tuned in consistently to your Inner Being. As you keep thinking thoughts that feel a little bit better, you keep moving toward who you really are.”
“So the emotions on the emotional scale are like channels on a radio dial? Depression is one channel, anger is another—and each emotion feels progressively better as I move up the scale toward joy?”
“Exactly,” Rachael was impressed by Jenna’s insight. “Each emotion feels better because of the relief it brings.”
“But I let myself get angry last night. Why did I feel worse?”
“Who were you angry at?”
“Like I said, Geoff made plans for Saturday and didn’t even consider me.” Rachael could hear the frustration in Jenna’s voice.
“I’m sorry. Gail always gets frustrated with me, too. I like to ask questions that will help people discover the answers for themselves, but I know it ticks people off sometimes. What I meant is, you said that you felt like a failure. It seems to me you were mad at yourself.”
“Yeah, I guess I was,” Jenna admitted. “I hate getting so emotional over things like that, and I couldn’t even write about it.”
“It sounds like you started out with feelings of anger toward your husband, but then you turned them toward yourself.”
“Is that wrong?”
“There’s no right or wrong. It’s just that anger toward yourself is really self-hate, and on the emotional scale, that doesn’t feel much different from depression. You may have felt slightly better when you were angry with Geoff, but it quickly turned around when you started feeling angry with yourself.”
“But I want to be different,” Jenna acknowledged, “and I get so frustrated when I can’t seem to change anything.”
“You want to feel different,” Rachael gently corrected Jenna and then reminded her again. “Who you are is Source energy; you can’t change that. It just is. You’re perfect and complete. You’ve just forgotten, that’s all.
“Try it again sometime,” she urged. “Sit down with a piece of paper and write across the top, ‘I’m so angry with Geoff because…’ and write whatever comes to mind. Don’t force it; just write what you feel at the moment; then destroy it if you like.
“You might want to start a page for other people as well. Maybe you’re angry with your parents or even your kids. And don’t judge yourself for what you write,” Rachael added as she saw the look on Jenna’s face. “That’s moving the wrong way. Keep your eyes on the direction that you want to go. Remember that anger is a temporary stop and that you’re moving toward even better feelings.”
“When you explain it, it all makes so much sense. Thank you. I will try what you’ve suggested. I’ll try to be less critical of myself, too.”
Rachael thought of more that she wanted to add, but she noticed the time and realized that they needed to get back to work.
“You’ll be fine,” she assured Jenna. “You’re doing really well. And remember, I’m here for you. I want to help.”
“Thank you,” Jenna smiled.
Chapter 8
As Rachael walked back to her desk, she replayed the conversation she’d just had with Jenna. She could so easily relate to what Jenna was feeling, and it affected her in a strange way—it was like opening a door and looking back at her own experience; only it didn’t feel bad. It felt really good.
In the past she’d always attracted people who needed fixing, but it was different now. She no longer saw people as broken or lacking anything. They were simply on a journey. Jenna’s journey was very similar to the one Rachael had taken, and it felt wonderful to be able to share what she’d learned.
The afternoon slipped by, and as Rachael was getting ready to leave, Gail stopped by her desk and handed her a beautiful long-stemmed rose.
“What’s the occasion?”
“I don’t need an occasion to give my best friend a rose,” Gail replied. “Rob sent me a dozen this morning, and I wanted to share them.”
“You’re so sweet.” Rachael appreciated Gail’s thoughtfulness. “Are you ready to leave? I was going to invite Jenna to go to Trophies with us. I wonder if she left yet.”
“She wasn’t in her office when I went by.”
Rachael watched for Jenna as they walked out, but there was no sign of her, so she dismissed the thought. She liked to let the Universe take care of things. Jenna would join them one day, if and when she was ready. Things always worked out for the best.
“Jenna seems nice,” Gail commented, as they rode the elevator down to the main floor of their building. “Sad, though.”
“It’s like opening a door to my past,” Rachael admitted. “Like reliving it in a way, but this time I have the answers I need. It feels good to be able to share them with Jenna. She really wants to learn.”
Outside, they walked quietly for a few minutes. It was overcast, and the wind was gusting, causing leaves to fall from the few, small trees that had been encouraged to grow amid all the concrete of the downtown core. The fallen leaves appeared to be scurrying along the sidewalk, trying to keep up with the crowds of people that were now heading home for the day.
“Just don’t get caught up in her negative stuff,” Gail cautioned.
“Yeah, I know. I have to remember my own well-being first.”
“I can help you with that,” Gail smiled. “I’ll make it my mission to remind you of your well-being.”
Rachael laughed. “You do it already. I just have to think of your friendship, and I’m reminded. You know how much I appreciate you.”
As they walked into Trophies, Gail looked around, “Wow. It’s busy in here today. Let’s take a seat at the bar for now and wait for a table.”
“Can I get some drinks started for you?” The bartender was tall and remarkably handsome. He appeared to be in his mid thirties. Rachael couldn’t help but notice his smile.
Gail ordered a Long Island iced tea. Rachael was about to order her usual latte and then decided to be adventurous. “I think I’ll try one of those exotic drinks you’re always ordering,” she said to Gail. “What was that you had at the sushi bar the other night?”
“What did I have?” Gail thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, it was a Mai Tai.”
“I’m not sure what that is,” Rachael said to the bartender, “but I’ll have one of those.”
“Mai Tai is a Tahitian phrase. It means ‘out of this world.’ It’s rum with Curacao, almond flavored syrup, and lime juice,” he explained and then added, “Happens to be one of my favorites.”
Rachael watched him make their drinks. He made Gail’s and handed it to her. He was quick, but he didn’t spill a drop. Then he took a lime, squeezed the juice into a shaker with ice and quickly poured in the rum and other ingredients. After shaking the drink, he strained it into a chilled glass and added a couple of mint sprigs.
“I hope you enjoy it.” He smiled again as he set it down in front of her and then turned to serve another customer.
Gail leaned over and whispered, “Wow. He’s really cute and he’s not wearing a ring. Let’s find out his name.”
“I don’t think he’s my type,” Rachael whispered back. “But he sure isn’t hard on the eyes.”
“How do you know he’s not your type?”
“Stop matchmaking,” Rachael ordered
under her breath. Then she dismissed Gail’s efforts as she took a sip of her drink. “This is really good. Do you want anything to eat? I’m starving.”
“Me too. I don’t see a table open yet. We may as well just eat here.”
Rachael nodded. Why not? The scenery’s nice.
They ordered wraps, and as they waited for their food, Rachael decided to take an indirect approach in asking Gail about her diet. “How are you feeling about yourself lately?”
“Fine,” Gail frowned. “Why?”
“I was just wondering if you’d given any more thought to our conversation the other day.”
“Oh that.” Gail shook her head. “I wasn’t sure what you were getting at. Yes, I have thought about it, and I’m beginning to realize just how negative my thoughts are about the way I look.”
“It’s amazing what goes on in our minds when we aren’t paying attention.”
“Thanks.”
“Sorry,” Rachael replied. She’d given her friend a pat answer and decided to explain further. “We all do it; it’s easy to live our lives unconsciously. Our thoughts will run on autopilot if we let them.”
“I know what you mean,” Gail agreed. “I can’t believe how focused I was on what I don’t want. What you said the other day really hit me. I still find myself thinking those negative thoughts, but now I catch myself and try to change them.”
“That’s awesome,” Rachael smiled at her friend. Gail understood the concepts easily and had no trouble applying them. It was fun to watch.
“It’s made me think.” Gail over enunciated the last word. Then laughing, she poked Rachael’s arm. “I blame you for that. Yesterday, I found myself wondering something. You remember what I said about this being the first time I’ve ever had to deliberately focus to make something happen?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I started wondering what my life would be like if I deliberately focused on all subjects. My life is pretty good—I’m not complaining, but could it be even better if I wanted it to be?”
